The Collected Plays Of W.somerset Maugham (vol-ii)

THE COLLECTED PLAYS OF
W SOMERSET MAUGHAM

VOL II

LIZA OF LAMBETH

MRS CRADDOCK

THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

THE EXPLORER

THE MAGICIAN

THE MOON AND SIXPENCE

OF HUMAN BONDAGE

THE TREMBLING OF A LEAF

ON A CHINESE SCREEN

THE PAINTED VEIL

THE CASUARINA TREE

ASHENDEN

THE GENTLEMAN IN THE PARLOUR

CAKES AND ALE

THE FIRST PERSON SINGULAR

THE NARROW CORNER

AH KING

DON FERNANDO

COSMOPOLITANS

THEATRE

THE SUMMING UP
CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
BOOKS AND YOU
UP AT THE VILLA
STRICTLY PERSONAL
THE RAZOR’S EDGE
THEN AND NOW

HERE AND there (Collection of Short Stones)

CREATURES 0% CIRCUMSTANCE

CATALINA

quartet (Four Short Stones with Film Scripts)
trio ( Three Short Stories with Film Scripts )
encore ( Three Short Stories with Film Scripts)

A WRITERS NOTEBOOK

THE COMPLETE SHORT STORIES (3 Vols)

THE SELECTED NOVELS (3 Vols)

THE PARTIAL VIEW

TEN NOVELS AND THEIR AUTHORS

VOL 1

The Collected Plays

LADY FREDERICK VOL 2

MRS DOT

JACK STRAW

PENELOPE

SMITH

THE LAND OF PROMISE

OUR BETTERS

THE UNATTAINABLE

HOME AND BEAUTY

THE CIRCLE

THE CONSTANT WIFE

THE BREADWINNER

vol 3 c^sar’s wife

EAST OF SUEZ

THE SACRED FLAME

THE UNKNOWN

FOR SERVICES RENDERED

SHEPPEY

THE COLLECTED
♦ PLAYS ♦

of

W. SOMERSET

MAUGHAM

VOL II

WILLIAM HEINEMANN LTD

MELBOURNE LONDON TORONTO

THE COLLECTED PLAYS
FIRST PUBLISHED I93I
REPRINTED 1952 , I955

PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN
AT THE WINDMILL PRESS
KINGSWOOD, SURREY

THE COLLECTED PLAYS OF W SOMERSET MAUGHAM

OUR BETTERS
THE UNATTAINABLE
HOME AND BEAUTY
THE CIRCLE
THE CONSTANT WIFE
THE BREADWINNER

PREFACE

The three plays following are placed in the order m which
they were written Our Betters , though it was not acted m
London till 1923, and then only “with a scene at the end of
the second act altered to suit the exigencies of the Lord
Chamberlain, was written in Rome at the beginning of 1915
When at last it was produced I extracted a certain amount
of discreet amusement from such of the critics as found in
it a development of characteristics that they had discovered
m plays produced before but written much later I may
add m passing that m this edition I have reverted to my
original version It was more probable and I do not see
that it was more shocking In the few years that have passed
audiences have become used to greater frankness, and if
the play were ever revived I have little doubt that the word
slut used by one of the characters, which made the spectators
on the first night gasp with horror, would now fail entirely
to express the speaker's indignation The Unattainable was
produced under the name of Caroline , and it gave Irene
Vanbrugh the opportunity for one of the best performances
of her distinguished career I had a somewhat unusual
experience with this play I wrote it in Geneva during the
autumn of 19 1 5 It was engaged m work for the Intelligence
Department which the Swiss authorities did not approve
of, and my predecessor had had a nervous breakdown owing
to the strain it put upon his temperament, more sensitive
than mine, to break the law, my colleague at Lausanne had
lately been sent to prison for two years I did not know
how political prisoners were treated and I had no notion
whether, should such an unpleasant fate befall me, I should
be allowed pens and paper I hated the idea of leaving the
play unfinished, and I knew it would be very difficult to
take it up again after a long interval It was a great relief

to me when I wrote the last line I sent it to London, and
it was put into rehearsal at once I had written the whole
play up to a great comic scene in the last act, a scene of
mistaken identity in the classic manner, which m imagina-
tion had very much amused me, and, indeed, it was on my
exuberant description of this scene that Irene Vanbrugh had
accepted the plav I managed to get a few days’ leave and
went to London for the final rehearsals The date was fixed
for production Things were very well advanced The caste
was word-perfect I sat through the first two acts and was
not dissatisfied, the play seemed to have come through very
much as I had seen it m my mind’s eye, but I was awaiting
the scene which I expected to prove the climax of the
comedy A very good actor, George Tully, had been engaged
to play in it The persons concerned started They went
through it and they acted it very well To my dismay I
discovered that it did not amuse me at all Here was a pretty
kettle of fishl It took up two-thirds of the last act, and it was
to lead up to it that the first two acts had been devised It
seemed to me that there was but one thing to do I waited till
the rehearsal was finished and then, telling Dion Bouacault,
who was producing it, that this would not do at all, asked
him to give me twenty-four hours, took the script home
and rewrote the last act I left out the scene that had so
much disappointed me, and with it the character that George
Tully was to act The play now offered to the reader is the
result I do not know that it is an author’s business to point
out to his readers the defects of his work, but if I were a
critic I should perhaps feel it my duty to make the observa-
tion that the play really is finished by the end of the first
act What follows might have very well been left to the
imagination of the audience

The same stem critic might make the same objection to
Home and Beauty y the third play in this volume, and m each
case the answer might be given, in extenuation, that a
certain number of diverting scenes do what is possible to
atone for the failure to adhere to the strict canons of drama

PREFACE

IX

Home and beauty was written in a sanatorium during the last
winter of the war I had escaped a Swiss prison, but the
work I was engaged in had much exposed me to the rigours
of a singularly bad winter and I had contracted tuberculosis
of the lungs This had been aggravated by a sojourn in
Russia, and when on the seizure of power by the Bolsheviks
I was obliged to come back to England, I was feeling very
sorry for myself It was impossible then to go to Davos
or St Moritz, so I went to Scotland It was a very pleasant
life at Nordrach-on-Dee I was sent to bed every day at
six o’clock, and an early dinner gave me a long evening to
myself The cold, windless night entered the room through
the wide-open windows, and with mittens on my hands so
that I could comfortably hold a pen, it was an admirable
opportunity to write a farce For Home and Beauty pretends
to be no more I never had an opportunity of seeing it, but
I believe it made people laugh very much Some of the
critics called it cruel and heartless I should not have thought
it was It was written in the highest possible spirits It was
intended to amuse

So, for the matter of that, where the other two plays The
reader of the previous preface to this edition of my plays
will not be surprised at my confession that I think tins is
the business of a comedy / To my mind it is not a work
of edification, though it should be a work of art, and if it
castigates the follies of the moment that is by the way
and only m so far as this no doubt laudable pro*, ess occasions
laughter The object is the entertainment of the audience,
not their improvement /

I am conscious that my plays ate classed by the learned
who write books on the drama and contribute articles to
encyclopedias as'commeroal theatre/and it is true that on
the whole the managers have made money out of them and
I have kept the wolf some distance from my door
^The difficulty of the drama as an art lies for the most part
in its dependence on the audience An audience is a crowd
and art as we know has nothing to do with the multitude*

preface

The working classes, absorbed m the daily effort of provid-
ing for the needs of the body, have little energy left over to
cultivate the disinterested emotions of art The upper
classes know nothing of it and care less They feign some-
times an interest in it when fashion suggests such a pose as a
social distinction Great ladies then cultivate those occupied
with the arts as in former times they kept buffoons An
interest in art is found, if m any class at all, most commonly
perhaps in the middle ranks of society A German observer
of this country has stated that it is almost exclusively con-
fined to the northern and western suburbs of London Even
here it must be rare, for it needs not only a natural instinct,
which is uncommon, but an elaborate cultivation That the
two are necessary is shown by the fact that a true feeling for
one of the arts by no means entails feeling for the others a
man may have admirable taste in pictures and none at all in
literature or musjc The appeal of the arts then is to the
very few

But the drama cannot do with that It must address itself
equally to the working man in the gallery and to the gilded
youth in the stalls It must interest the stock-jobber who
reads nothing but The Financial Times and the elderly
spinster whose soul is sweet with memories of Italy and
Greece Attempts have been made from time to time to
separate the various classes of playgoers It has been
suggested that certain plays should be written with the idea
of attracting a limited, intellectual section, rather than the
public at large, but the attempts have failed, as indeed an
elementary acquaintance with the philosophy of the subject
would have shown was inevitable, and the difficulty still
remains to move, amuse and entertain an audience composed
of persons with every variety of education and intelligence f
It would be impossible if the audience consisted simply of
the aggregation of individuals, but the play forms it into a
distinct organism with characteristics peculiar to itself It
seems obvious that'the audience is as much part of the play
as the words and their interpreters,, I read once a French

PREFACE

XI

criticism in which the theory was advanced that the reading
of a play was the only test of its merit on the stage one was
influenced by the skill of the actors, the elaborateness of the
setting and the emotions of one’s fellow spectators I think
this is nonsense The play that is read differs not at all from
that monstrous product, once fashionable, the novel in
dialogue A play exists without an audience as little as a
colour without a spectator If plays have maintained
through the many centuries since the drama arose “in a rude
and unpremeditated manner” from the worship of Dionysus,
certain main traits, it is owing not to the imitativeness of the
dramatists, but to the unaltered characteristics of the crowd ^
I do not know if the psychology of the audience is capable of
change, but it is clear from the most casual study of dramatic
works since iEschylus that no great change has taken place in
it hitherto

The audience has a collective soul It feels, reacts, and
thinks differently from what each member of it, taken
separately, would do It is emotional rather than intel-
lectual, and this gives it homogeneity, for however unlike
men are by their intelligence, their passions are the same
The audience is on a lower level of civilisation than the
persons of which it is composed, and it may be for this
reason that the theatre is a generation behind the culture of
the age The opinions, ideas and beliefs which are suggested
to an audience are accepted or rejected in the mass, un-
critically, and are consideied either as absolute truths or as
absolute errors An audience can only receive ideas when
they are placed before it in their simplest form, and even
then only when they agree with its own instinctive convic-
tions

An audience demands sympathy, which I take to be no
more than direction of interest, for it is well-known that a
sympathetic character need not be a virtuous one^It has a
moral code which, according to the time, may be stricter or
more lax than that of the individual At the present moment,
m England at all events, it is shocked by things that would

not shock the individual, though under the reign of Charles
II, when probably the general morality was little different
from what it is now, it accepted conduct which would have
outraged him It is emotional, but at the same time has more
commonsense than the individual It has its own theories of
life which do not always coincide with life as known by the
individual Though swayed by impulse it does not believe
m it on the stage The individual can hardly have failed to
notice that the actions of men are much influenced by their
passions, but an audience insists that they shall be influenced
only by reason It demands much stronger motives than are
demanded in real life For example, it so often happens that
men throw themselves into the water to save a perfect
stranger from drowning that the newspapers seldom trouble
to announce the fact, but on the stage if you made someone
do anything of the kind the spectators would shrug their
shoulders and say These things don’t happen You could
only make the occurrence probable by giving at least three
overwhelming personal reasons for such a piece of fool-
hardiness An audience has also racial characteristics The
English are not a sexual nation and you cannot easily
persuade them that a man wall sacrifice anything important
for love I do not think an English audience, notwith-
standing the prestige of Shakespeare, ever really accepts the
story of Antony and Cleopatra as credible It is this difference
of attitude towards sexual passion that makes foreign plays
so improbable to us

It is clear that the dramatist’s business is with the audience
as an organic whole and not with the persons who make it
up As soon as they leave the theatre and go about their
separate affairs they cease to be an audience and he has no
further concern with them This reduces sensibly the
didactic efficiency of the drama, on account of which writers
have from time to time been attracted to the stage, for
if the individual is so much inclined to hypnotic suggestion
that he cannot shake off the emotions he has felt when his
personality was fused in that of the audience, he is not a safe

PREFACE

XU1

person to be trusted alone, and should promptly be shut up
in an asylum

The acute reader of the foregoing remarks ‘will see at
once that they reduce dramatic criticism to a logical
absurdity I wish for the sake of those who follow this
calling that I could have concealed the fact from him But
the deduction is too obvious The critic trains himself not
to be influenced by the passions of the people who surround
him, but m so doing he does not see the play which they see
His r6le is to keep free from the contagion of the audience
But the audience is so much part of the play that you cannot
judge it unless you are the audience He aims at holding
aloof from popular clamour, but it is only by popular
clamour, the thrill that passes through the house, the
excitement of propinquity, that the play exists Only one
form of criticism is logically reasonable If a critic were so
sensitive to the emotion about him that he could feel it m ail
its subtlety and if he had at the same time the power to stand
outside himself and note his sensations, his criticism would
be, to the playwright at least, exceedingly useful But I
suppose that a man with such gifts would in these democratic
days rule empires rather than write dramatic criticism

I beg the reader not to think that these remarks were
designed to take the bread out of the mouths of that body
of honest, industrious, long-suffermg and conscientious men
who make their living by judging the current drama It was
not indeed till I had set down in black and white my reflec-
tions on the nature of an audience that it occurred to me that
I had incidentally demonstrated the futility of dramatic
criticism Nothing was further from my intention We
greatly need m England a critic of authoritative position
who would be capable of restating the limitations of
the various arts, who had the culture and the knowledge
of life to point out to those who overstepped the bound-
aries that they were attempting the impossible, and whose
philosophical attainments were sufficient to explain why
the direction they were taking must lead to confusion

XIV

PREFACE

For want of this the creators of art are at sixes and
sevens They do not know exactly what they want to
do nor what they can do Sculptors seek to imprison
the momentary gesture in imperishable bronze, musicians
describe events, poets paint landscapes, essayists write
poems in prose (and what detestable, pretentious stuff),
novelists write treatises of sociology, and dramatists
reason

It can hardly be denied that at the present time the drama
of England is poor The reas on given for this is that the cost
of production has so increased that managers hesitate to
give new authors a hearing I do not think this is a fact
The bills of the London theatres are no longer filled by well-
established authors, as they were when first I began writing
plays, but by authors who were till recently unheard of The
experimental theatres have given them an opportunity they
never had before and the dearth of plays is such that the
managers will seize with alacrity upon anything that shows a
likelihood of attracting an audience The way is open to the
dramatist He has only to take it I think it is much more
probable that the poverty of British drama is due to the fact
that the playwrights have been influenced by false theories to
adventure m a field which the nature of the drama forbids
and for which they are temperamentally unfitted" They have
been told that they must raise the theatre from the depths to
which it has sunk They have been implored to produce
something that the intelligent man can see without loss of
self-respect They are on the whole a modest, sincere lot of
men, anxious to do their best, and they have honestly tried
to comply with the demands made on them
A few pages back I acknowledged, I hope with becoming
modesty, that my plays must be classed as commercial
drama, but I did not stay to consider exactly what that
signifies It is of course a term of depreciation It describes a
play which is a source of profit to the manager and the
a utho r and thus one which the public is willing to go and see
for at least a hundred nights It infers a lack of artistic

merit It is not immediately obvious why a play that people
do not want to see is more artistic than one they do If
commercial success is the test a certain difficulty arises It
appears that Bernard Shaw was a commercial dramatist when
he wrote St Joan and an artist when he wrote Back to
Methuselah What are you going to think of Man and Super-
man? When it was first written it was very distinctly
uncommercial did it cease to be a work of art when it was
produced by Robert Lorraine and everyone concerned made
a great deal of money out of it> “Commercial” plays often
fail too, four out of five is, I believe, the average, and the
reasons for their failure are generally plain I will enumerate
them a theme that does not interest, poor characterisation,
faulty construction, verbose and heavy dialogue. Now it is a
very strange thing, but if you examine the plays which are
deliberately uncommercial and whose failure the judicious
grieve at, you will find they suffer from one or all of these
defects x In short the “uncommercial” theatre is uncom-
mercial not because of its merits but because of its
faults A “commercial” play is commercial because of
its merits ,

It is an error to suppose that the writer of this sort of play
writes only to make money A very small experience of the
profession of letters teaches you that to write with this end
is folly It is like happiness which is best achieved by not
aiming at it You earn most money when you write merely
to please yourself Of course you need not go out of your
way to make things difficult You are not likely to attain
domestic felicity if you give your wife a black eye and knock
your children about, nor will you earn substantial royalties
if you write a play about the incestuous relations of a family
of mental deficients But now the intelligent reader sits up
and takes notice That is what we want, he cries, that is the
theatre of ideas All right Let us leave the commercial
theatre and talk of the theatre of ideas

Ideas appeal to reason But when you appeal to the reason
of an audience you are faced with the difficulty that all its

xvi

PREFACE

members ate not on the same level of culture A discussion
on the shape of the planet cannot be of entrancing interest to
those who are already acquainted with the glorious fact that
the earth is round Many writers, when they had produced a
play of ideas, have been disappointed to find that a large part
of the audience was bored stiff and that the critics only
sneered Stale ideas are no more palatable than stale fish
The fact is that ideas do not grow on every gooseberry
bush I suppose that no one knows exactly why the dramatist
can say things in such a way and so present actions that
they hold an audience I can only surmise that it is a rare
knack with which he is lucky enough to be bom Ex-
perience has shown that it cannot be taught He must have
besides a gift for observation, some literary instinct and a
considerable knowledge of the world It is a good deal to
ask that he should be an original thinker as well His mind
moves naturally in the concrete He grows confused when
he has to deal with the abstract, and the nature of his
intelligence forces him to see the instance rather than the
theory

But even if a dramatist were by a lucky chance to conceive
an idea that was both original and momentous what could
he do with it? He could only illustrate it His play would be
like those bad movies in the days of the silent film when the
story was told you in captions and the pictures served only
to put before your eyes what you already knew That is to
waste the possibilities of the medium Nor, I suggest, is
dialogue the best way of presenting ideas I do not suppose
anyone has used it to better purpose than Plato, but take any
one of his dialogues and notice how exasperating it is, once
you are interested in the argument, to be held up by the give
and take of conversation

“You will grant, my dear Polemarchus, that a physician
is useless to persons an sound health ”

“Certainly 99

“And a pilot to persons on shore 99

“Yes ~

PREFACE

XVU

“Is the just man, also, useless to those who are not at
war?”

“I do not quite think that ”

“Then justice is useful in time of peace too, is it y?

“It is”

“And so is agriculture, is it not^”

“Yes ”

“That is to say, as a means of acquiring the fruits of the
earth ”

“Yes ”

“And further, the shoemaker’s art is also useful, is it noP”

“Yes ”

“As a means of acquiring shoes, I suppose you will say ”
“Certainly ”

Does one not wish he would cut the cackle and come to
the ’osses^ For my part I prefer ideas to be presented to me
with lucidity and succinctness I do not want to be per-
suaded to accept the thinker’s thought by his art, I want to
be convinced by his logic

The reader must not do me the injustice of supposing that
I believe there is no room for thought in the theatie The
more intelligent a dramatist is the better will be his plays I
suggest merely that ideas, new or old, as such, are no con-
cern of his He must translate them in terms of emotion
He must feel them before they can affect his audience And
what has feeling to do with ideas? The appeal of ideas is to
the reason and reason is occupied with truth But the
drama is occupied only with' verisimilitude ' And what, if
you please, is the dramatist going to do when truth is on one
side and dramatic effect on the other^ I can tell you If he is
a dramatist he will let truth go to the devil (should he be of a
scrupulous nature perhaps consoling himself with some fine
phrases about the higher truth of art), but if he is a philoso-
pher he will let his play go hang And that will be the end of
his play

Nor is the drama even a good vehicle for propaganda* I
may think that the administration of the dole is very stupid

xvih

PREFACE

and by choosing characters and instances to prove my case I
can make out a scandalous state of things But I have
proved nothing But choosing other characters and other
instances I can show exactly the opposite And such odd
things happen in the theatre that a writer can never be sure
that the moial he inculcates will emerge from the circum-
stances he displays John Galsworthy wrote Justice to show
the evils of the prison system and because he was a very able
dramatist wrote an interesting and moving play, but what he
actually showed was the efficiency with which society
eliminates the unfit The didactic writer may load his dice,
but he can never be certain that he will throw sixes every
time

Prose drama is one of the lesser arts, like woodcarving or
dancing, but so far as it is an art at all its purpose is to afford
delight I do not think it can usefully concern itself with the
welfare of humanity or the saving of civilisation I am afraid
certain critics will say that I am cynical and hold the theatre
m contempt I am afraid of this because they have said it
before and critics (like the rest of us) often repeat themselves
I do not think this is so It may be (and this I do not assert
but throw out as a suggestion) that I have naturally good
taste and that my conception of the art I practised is the
correct one In the eighteenth century, poets were didactic
and wrote long poems on agriculture, astronomy, bee-
keeping, forestry and suchlike subjects They were much
praised for doing so Now we are all agreed that they were
m error When we want to know about such things we
consult a text-book We do not want out poets to impart
information or to inculcate the principles of morality It
may be that in a little while people will think that the drama
s; will do best to confine itself to what it can best do ^This in
my opinion is to give pleasure by telling a story, delineating
character, and by stirring the emotions or causing laughter ^

The Anglo-Saxon race has always looked upon the artist
with misgiving They have never accepted him as a serious
person and now that the spread of education has enabled

writers to move out of Grub Street, this want of con-
sideration is irksome to them unless they have a sense of
humour or a happy indifference to the opinion of their
fellows Writers consequently are apt to claim moral
intentions and pedagogic ends They seek respectability by
adopting a portentous attitude I think it is a pity So far as
the dramatists are concerned too many, who might write
very good, workmanlike plays, thus waste their talents
And the English have a cruel sense of humour I think they
never laugh so much as when they destroy an artist by
turning him into a prophet

I have little to say of the three last plays in this volume
The Circle is generally thought the best play I have written I
have always thought that the device suggested by Clive
Champion-Cheney to his son to prevent Elizabeth running
away not very happy I should have liked at that point a
more substantial and dramatic invention The Constant
Wife was a failure m London It was a great success in
America, m the foreign countries where it has been produced
and even m the provincial towns in England in which it has
been from time to time acted Where it has been successful
it has been much praised by the critics Not of course
because they were influenced by its success, but because
a play consists of the words, the production and the
audience, and the failure of one of the parties concerned may
make the difference between a good play and a bad one

OUR BETTERS

A COMEDY
m Three Acts

CHARACTERS

Lady Grayston
Duchesse de Surennes

pRINCIPESSA DELLA CeRCOLA

Elizabeth Saunders
Arthur Fenwick
Thornton Clay
Fleming Harvey
Anthony Paxton
Lord Bleane
Pole
Ernest

The action of the play takes place at Lady Grayston’s house
in Grosvenor Street , Mayfair, and at her husband's place in
Suffolk, Abbots Kenton.

OUR BETTERS

THE FIRST ACT

Scene The drawing-room at Lady Grayston’s house in
Grosvenor Street , Mayfair It is a sumptuous double room , of
the period of George II , decorated m green and gold, with a
Coromandel screen and lacquer cabinets, but the coverings of the
chairs , the sofas and cushions , show the influence of Bakst and
the Russian Ballet, they offer an agreeable mixture of rich
plum, emerald green, canary and ultra-marine On the floor is a
Chinese carpet, and here and there are pieces of Ming pottery
It is about half -past four, early in the season, and a fine day
When the curtain rises, from the street below is heard the melancholy
chant of the lavender man

Won’t you buy my sweet lavender^

Sixteen blue branches for a penny
If you buy it once.

You’ll buy it twice.

For it makes your clothes
Smell very nice —

Sweet-scented lavender

Bessie Saunders comes m She is a very pretty
American girl, of twenty-two, with fair hair and blue
eyes She is dressed m the latest mode She wears a hat
and gloves, and carries a bag She has just come in
from the street Sher has m her hand a telephone
message, and going over to the telephone she takes up the
receiver

Bessie Gerrard 4321 Is that the Berkeley^ Put me

5

6

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

through to Mr Harvey, please Fleming Harvey, that’s
right [She listens and smiles ] Yes Who d’you think it
ls^ [She laughs ] I’ve just got your telephone message
Where have you sprung fromP That’s fine How long
are you staying in London^ I see I want to see you at
once Nonsense This very minute Now just jump
into a taxi and come right away Pearl will be in presently
Ring off, Fleming No, I will not ring off first [A
pause ] Are you there^ How tiresome you are You
might be half-way here by now Well, hustle

[She puts down the receiver and begins to take off her
gloves Pole, the butler , comes in with a hunch of
roses

Pole These flowers have just come for you, miss

Bessie Ohl Thank you Aren’t they lovely^ You must
give me something to put them in, Pole

Pole I’ll bring a vase, miss

[He goes out She buries her face in the flowers and
inhales their fragrance The Butler enters with a
bowl filled with water

Bessie Thank you You’re sure they are for me? There’s no
label

Pole Yes, miss The person who brought them said they
was for you, miss I asked if there wasn’t a card, and he
said no, miss

Bessie [With a faint smile ] I think I know who they’re
from [She begins to arrange the flowers ] Her ladyship
hasn’t come in yet, has she?

Pole Not yet, miss

Bessie D’you know if anyone is coming in to tea^

Pole Her ladyship didn’t say, miss

Bessie You’d better prepare for fifteen, then.

Pole Very good, miss

ACT 2

OUR BETTERS

Bessie I was being funny, Pole

Pole Yes, miss^ Shall I take the paper away, tmss^

Bessie [With a slight sigh of resignation ] Yes, do, will you^
[The telephone hell rings ] Oh, I forgot, I switched the
telephone on here See who it is

[Pole takes up the receiver and listens , then puts his hand
over its mouth

Pole Will you speak to Lord Bleane, miss?

Bessie Say I*m not at home

Pole Miss Saunders hasn’t come in yet I beg pardon, my
lord I didn’t recogmse your lordship’s voice [A pause ]
Well, my lord, I did hear them say there was a private
view they thought of going to at the Grosvenor You
might find Miss Saunders there
Bessie You needn’t elaborate, Pole

Pole I was only making it more convincing, miss [Listen-
ing ] I think so, my lord Of course, I couldn’t say for
certain, my lord, they might have gone out to Ranelagh
Bessie Really, Polef

Pole Very good, my lord [Hi? puts down the receiver ] His
lordship asked if you was expected in to tea, miss
Pole Is there anything else, miss^

Bessie No, Pole, thank you

[He goes out She finishes arranging the flowers The door
is flung open and Lady Grayston comes in, followed
by Fleming Harvey Pearl — Lady Grayston
— is a handsome , dashing creature , a woman of
thirty f our y with red hmr, and a face outrageously
painted She is dressed in a Tans frocky hut of
greater daring both m colour and cut than a Trench*
woman would wear Fleming is a nice-looking
young American in clothes that were obviously made in
New York,

ACT I

8 OUR BETTERS

Pearl My dear Bessie, I’ve found an entirely strange
young man on the doorstep who says he is a cousin
Bessie [Giving him her hands enthusiastically ] Fleming
Fleming I introduced myself to Lady Grayston She drove
up just as they were opening the door Please reassure
your sister, Bessie She looks upon me with suspicion

Bessie You must remember Fleming Harvey, Pearl
Pe^rl I’ve never set eyes on him in my life But he looks
quite nice
Bessie He is

Pearl He's apparently come to see you
Fleming I rang up five minutes ago and Bessie ordered me
to come round right away

Pearl Well, make him stop to tea I've got to telephone
Fve suddenly remembered that I've asked twelve people
to dinner

Bessie Does George know^

Pearl Who is George^

Bessie Don't be absurd, Pearl George — your husband
Pearl Otfi I couldn’t make out who you meant No, he
doesn't know But what’s much more important, the
cook doesn’t know either I’d forgotten George was in
London [She goes out

Bessie George generally dines out when Pearl is giving a
party, because he doesn't like people he doesn't know,
and he seldom dines at home when we're alone, because
it bores him

Fleming It doesn't sound as if Sir George enjoyed many of
the benefits of home life

Bessie Now let's sit down and make ourselves comfortable
You are going to stay to tea, aren’t you?

Fleming It's not a beverage that I’m in the habit of im-
bibing

ACT I OUR BETTERS 9

Bessie When you’ve been in England a month you won’t
be able to do without it When did you land^

Fleming This morning You see. I’ve lost no time in
coming to see you

Bessie I should think not It is good to see someone
straight from home

Fleming Have you been having a good time, Bessie^

Bessie Wonderful! Since the beginning of the season,
except when Pearl has had people here, I’ve been out to
lunch and dinner every day, and I’ve been to a ball every
night, generally two and sometimes three

Fleming Gee!

Bessie If I stopped now I’d drop down dead

Fleming D’you like England^

Bessie I adore it I think it’s too bad of dad never to have
let me come over to London before Rome and Pans are
nothing We’re just trippers there, but here we’re at
home

Fleming Don’t get too much at home, Bessie

Bessie Oh, Fleming, I never thanked you for sending me
the roses It was perfectly sweet of you

Fleming [With a smile ] I didn’t send you any roses

Bessie Didn’t you? Well, why didn’t you^

Fleming I hadn’t time But I will

Bessie It’s too late now I naturally thought they were
from you, because Englishmen don’t send flowers in the
same way as American boys do

Fleming Is that so^

[There ts a slight pause Bessie gives him a quick look

Bessie Fleming, I want to thank you for that charming
letter you wrote me

Fleming There’s no occasion to do that, Bessie.

10

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

Bessie I was afraid you might feel badly about it But we’ll
always be the greatest friends, won’t we^

Fleming Always

Bessie After all, you were eighteen when you asked me to
marry you, and I was sixteen It wasn’t a very serious
engagement I don’t know why we didn’t break it off
before

Fleming I suppose it never occurred to us
Bessie I’d almost forgotten it, but when I came over here
I thought I’d better make everything quite clear
Fleming [With a smle ] Bessie, I believe you’re in love
Bessie No, I’m not I tell you I’m having a wonderful
time

Fleming Well, who sent you the roses^

Bessie I don’t know LordBleane

Fleming You’re not going to marry a lord, Bessie^

Bessie Have you any objection^

Fleming Well, on first principles, I think American girls
had better marry American men, but then I happen to be
an American man

[Bessie looks at him for a moment
Bessie Pearl gave a dinner party last night I was taken m
by a cabinet minister, and on the other side of me I had
an ambassador Just opposite was a man who’d been
Viceroy in India Madame Angelotti dined with us, and
she sang afterwards, and a lot of people came on from an
official dinner in their stars and ribands Pearl looked
superb She’s a wonderful hostess, you know Several
people told me they would rather come here than to any
house in London Before Pearl married George Grayston
she was engaged to a boy who was in business in Port-
land, Oregon

Fleming [. Smiling ] I see you’re quite determined to marry
a lord

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

II

Bessie No, I’m not Fm keeping an open mind on the
subject

Fleming What d’you mean by that?

Bessie Well, Fleming, it hasn’t escaped my notice that a
certain noble lord is not unwilling to lay his beautiful
coronet at my feet

Fleming Don’t talk like a novelette, Bessie

Bessie But it feels just like a novelette The poor dear is
trying to propose to me every time he sees me, and I’m
doing all I can to prevent him

Fleming Why?

Bessie I don’t want to refuse him, and then wish I hadn’t

Fleming You could easily make him ask you again
Women find that so simple

Bessie Ah, but supposing he went right away to shoot big
game in Africa It’s what they do, you know, in
novelettes

Fleming I’m reassured about one thing You’re not in the
least m love with him

Bessie I told you I wasn’t You don’t mind my saying all
this to you, Fleming?

Fleming Gracious, no, why should I?

Bessie You’re sure you don’t feel sore at my throwing you
over?

Fleming [Cheerfully ] Not a bit

Bessie I am glad, because then I can tell you all about the
noble lord

Fleming Has it occurred to you that he wants to marry you
for your money?

Bessie You can put it more prettily You can say that he
wants to marry me with my money

Fleming And is that a prospect that allures you?

12

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

Bessie Poor dear, what else can he do? He’s got a large
place to keep up, and he simply hasn’t a cent
Fleming Really, Bessie, you amaze me
Bessie I shan’t when you’ve been here a month

[Pearl comes m

Pearl Now, Bessie, tell me all about this strange young
man

Bessie He’s quite capable of telling you about himself
Pearl [To Fleming ] How long are you staying^

Fi eming A couple of months I want to see somethmg of
English life

Pearl I see D’you want to improve your mind or d’you
want to go into society^

Fleming I suppose I couldn’t combine the two*

Pearl Are you rich*

Fleming Not at all

Pearl It doesn’t matter, you’re good-looking If one
wants to be a success in London one must either have
looks, wit, or a bank-balance You know Arthur
Fenwick, don’t you*

Fleming Only by reputation
Pearl How superciliously you say that!

Fleming He provides bad food to the working classes of
the United States at an exorbitant price I have no doubt
he makes a lot of money
Bessie He’s a great friend of Pearl’s
Pearl When he first came over because they turned up
their noses at him in New York, I said to him My dear
Mr Fenwick, you’re not good-looking, you’re not
amusing, you’re not well-bred, you’re only rich If you
want to get into society you must spend money ^
Fleming It was evidently in the nature of a straight talk
Bessie We must do what we can for Fleming, Pearl

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

*3

Pearl [With a chuckle ] We’ll introduce him to Minnie
Surennes

Fleming Who in the world is she^

Pearl The Duchesse de Surennes Don’t you remember^
She was a Miss Hodgson Chicago people Of course,
they’re nobody in America, but that doesn’t matter over
here She adores good-looking boys, and I daresay she’s
getting rather tired of Tony [To Bessie ] By the way,
they’re coming in this afternoon

Bessie I don’t like Tony

Pearl Why not^ I think he’s charming He’s the most
unprincipled ruffian I ever met

Fleming Is Tony the duke P

Pearl What duke? Her husband^ Oh no, she divorced
him years ago

Bessie I think Fleming would like the Princess much
better

Pearl Oh, well, he’ll meet her here to-day, too*

Bessie She was a Miss van Hoog, Fleming,

Fleming Is she divorced too^

Pearl Oh no, her husband’s an Italian. It’s very difficult
to get a divorce in Italy She’s only separated She’s
quite nice She’s one of my greatest friends She bores
me a little

[Pole comes m to announce Thornton Clay and then
goes out Thornton Clay is a stout American with
a bald head and an effusive manner He is somewhat
overdressed He speaks with a marked American
accent

Pole Mr ThorntonClay

Clay Howd’youdo 5

Pearl You’re the very person we want, Thornton An
entirely strange young man has suddenly appeared on my
doorstep, and says he’s my cousin

B

14 OUR BETTERS ACT I

Clay My dear Pearl, that is a calamity which we Americans
must always be prepared for

Bessie I won’t have you say such things, Mr Clay Fleming
is not only our cousin, but he’s my very oldest friend
Aren’t you, Fleming?

Pearl Bessie has a charming nature She really thinks that
friendship puts one under an obligation

Fleming Since you’re talking of me, won’t you introduce
me to Mr Clay?

Pearl How American you are!

F lemin g [, Smiling ] It’s not unnatural, is it?

Pearl Over here we haven’t the passion that you have in
America for introducing people My dear Thornton,
allow me to present to you my long-lost cousin, Mr
Fleming Harvey

Clay It’s so long since I was m America that I almost
forget, but I believe the proper answer to that is
Mr Fleming Harvey, I’m pleased to make your
acquaintance

Fleming Aren’t you an American, Mr Clay?

Clay I won’t deny that I was bom in Virginia

Fleming I beg your pardon, I thought from the way you
spoke

Clay [J Interrupting ] But, of course, my home is London

Pearl Nonsense, Thornton, your hcune is wherever there’s
a first-class hotel

Clay I went to America seven years ago My father died
and I had to go and settle up his affairs Everyone took
me for an Englishman

Fleming That must have gratified you very much, Mr Clay

Clay Of course, I haven’t a trace of an American accent
I suppose that was the reason And then my clothes

[Hi? looks dawn at them With satisfaction ,

ACT I OUR BETTERS 1 5

Pearl Fleming wants to see life in London, Thornton He
can’t do better than put himself under your wing

Clay I know everyone who’s worth knowing I can’t deny
that

Pearl Thornton calls more countesses by their Christian
names than any man in town

Clay I’ll get him cards for some good balls, and I’ll see that
he’s asked to one or two of the right parties

Pearl He’s good-looking, and I’m sure he dances well
He’ll be a credit to you, Thornton

Clay [To Fleming ] But, of course, there’s really nothing I
can do for you At Lady Grayston’s you are m the very
hub of society I don’t mean the stuffy, old-fashioned
society, that goes about in barouches and bores itself stiff,
but the society that counts, the society that figures in the
newspapers Pearl is the most wonderful hostess in
London

Pearl What do you want, Thornton^

Clay In this house, sooner or later, you’ll meet every
remarkable man in England except one That is George
Grayston. And he’s only remarkable because he’s her
husband

Pearl [With a chuckle ] I might have known you were only
saying a pleasant thing in order to make the next one
more disagreeable

Clay Of course, I can’t make out why you never ask
George to your parties Personally I like him

Pearl That’s all the nicer of you, Thornton, since he
always speaks of you as that damned snob

Clay [With a shrug of the shoulders ] Poor George, he has
such a limited vocabulary I met Flora della Cercola at
luncheon to-day She told me she was coming to tea with
you.

ACT I

i6 OUR BETTERS

Pearl She’s getting up a concert in aid of something or
other, and she wants me to help her

Clay Poor Flora, with her good works! She takes
philanthropy as a drug to allay the pangs of unrequited
love

Pearl I always tell her she’d do much better to take a lover

Clay You’ll shock Mr Harvey

Pearl It won’t hurt him It’ll do him good

Clay Did you ever know her husband^

Pearl Oh yes, I met him Just the ordinary little Dago I
cannot imagine why she should ever have been in love
with him She’s an extraordinary creature D’youknow,
I’m convinced that she’s never had an affair

Clay Some of these American women are strangely
sexless

Fleming I have an idea that some of them are even
virtuous

Pearl [With a smile ] It takes all sorts to make a world

[Pole enters to announce the Duchesse de Surennes,
and then goes out

Pole The Duchesse de Surennes

[The Duchesse is a large > dark woman of forty-five
with scarlet lips and painted cheeks , a woman of
opulent form , bold, self-assured and outrageously
sensual She suggests a drawing of a Roman Emperor
by Aubrey Beardsley She is gowned with a certain
dashing magnificence , and wears a long string of large
pearls round her neck During the conversation Pole
and two footmen bring m tea, and place it m the back
drawing-room*

Pearl* My dear, how nice of you to come.

Duchesse Isn’t Tony here?

Pearl No

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

*7

Duchesse He said he was coming straight here
Pearl I daresay he’s been delayed

Duchesse I can’t understand it He telephoned a quarter of
an hour ago that he was starting at once

Pearl [Reassuringly ] He’ll be here presently

Duchesse [With an effort over herself] How pretty you’re
looking, Bessie No wonder all the men I meet rave
about you

Bessie Englishmen are so shy Why don’t they rave to me?
Duchesse They’ll never let you go back to America

Pearl Of course, she’s never going back I’m determined
that she shall marry an Englishman
Clay She’ll make a charming addition to our American
peeresses

Pearl And there’ll be another that you can call by her
Christian name, Thornton

Bessie I wish you wouldn’t talk as if I hadn’t a word to say
in the matter

Clay Of course, you’ve got a word to say, Bessie — a very
important one
Bessie Yes, I suppose?

Clay Exactly

Pearl Pour out the tea, darling, will you?

Bessie Surely [To Clay ] I know you don’t share Flem-
ing’s contempt for tea, Mr Clay
Clay I couldn’t live a day without it. Why* I never travel
without a tea basket
Fleming [Ironically ] Is that so?

Clay You Americans who live in America . •

Fleming [Under hts breath ] So queer of us
Clay Despise the delectable habit of dunking tea because
you are still partly barbarous The hour that we spend

IS OUR BETTERS ACT I

over it is the most delightful of the day We do not make
a business of eating as at luncheon or dinner We are at
ease with ourselves ^ We toy with pretty cakes as an
excuse for conversation We discuss the abstract, our
souls, our morals, we play delicately with the concrete,
our neighbour’s new bonnet or her latest lover We
drink tea because we are a highly civilised nation

Fleming I must be very stupid, but I don’t follow

Clay My dear fellow, the degree of a nation’s civilisation is
marked by its disregard for the necessities of existence
You have gone so far as to waste money, but we have
gone farther, we waste what is infinitely more precious,
more transitory, more irreparable — we waste time

Duchesse My dear Thornton, you fill me with despair
Compton Edwardes has cut me off my tea I thought he
was only depriving me of a luxury, now I see he’s
depriving me also of a religious rite

Fleming Who in heaven’s name is Compton Edwardes,
that he should have such influence^

Pearl My dear Fleming, he’s the most powerful man in
London He’s the great reducer

Fleming Gracious! What does he reduce?

Pearl Fat

Duchesse He’s a perfect marvel, that man Do you know,
the Duchess of Arlington told me he’d taken nine
pounds off her

Pearl My dear, that’s nothing Why, Clara Hollington
gave me her word of honour she’d lost over a stone

Bessie [From the tea-table ] Anyone who wants tea must
come and fetch it

[The men saunter over to the next room , while Pearl and
the Duchesse go on with their conversation

Duchesse Who is that nice-looking young man. Pearl?

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

*9

Pearl Oh, he’s a young American He pretends to be a
cousin of mine He’s come to see Bessie

Duchesse Does he want to marry her?

Pearl Good heavens, I hope not He’s only an old friend
You know the funny ways they have in America

Duchesse I suppose nothing is really settled about Harry
Bleane?

Pearl No But I shouldn’t be surprised if you saw an
announcement in the Morning Post one day

Duchesse Has she enough money for him?

Pearl She has a million

Duchesse Not pounds?

Pearl Oh no, dollars

Duchesse That’s only eight thousand a year I shouldn’t
have thought he’d be satisfied with that

Pearl People can’t expect so much nowadays There
won’t be any more enormous heiresses as there were in
your time Besides, Harry Bleane isn’t such a catch as all
that Of course, it’s better to be an English baron than an
Italian count, but that’s about all you can say for it.

Duchesse Of course she’ll accept him?

Pearl Oh yes, she’s crazy to live m England And as I tell
her, it’s quite pleasant to be a peeress even now.

Duchesse What on earth can have happened to Tony?

Pea.rl Mv dear, he’s not likely to have been run over by a
motor-bus

Duchesse I’m not afraid of motor-buses running over him,
I’m afraid of him running after Gaiety girls

Pearl \Dnly ] I should have thought you kept a very sharp
eye on him

Duchesse You see, he hasn’t got anything to do from
morning till night.

Pearx Why doesn’t he get a job?

20

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

Duchesse Fve been trying to get him something, but it’s so
difficult You’ve got such a lot of influence. Pearl
Can’t you do something^ I should be so grateful

Pearl What can he do^

Duchesse Anything And as you know he’s very good-
looking

Pearl Does he know French and German^

Duchesse No, he has no gift for languages
Pearl Can he type, and write shorthand^

Duchesse Oh, no Poor dear, you can hardly expect that
Pearl Can he do accounts^

Duchesse No, he has no head for figures

Pearl {Reflectively ] Well, the only thing I can see that he’d
do for is a government office

Duchesse Oh, my dear, if you only could manage that
You can’t think what a comfort it would be for me to
know that he couldn’t get into mischief at least from ten
to four every day

[Pole announces Tony Paxton Tony is a handsome
youth of twenty-five , m beautiful clothes , with engaging
manners and a charming smile
Pole Mr Paxton
Pearl Well, Tony, how is life^

Tony Rotten I haven’t backed a winner or won a rubber
this week

Pearl Ah well, that’s the advantage of not having money,
you can afford to lose it

Duchesse [Bursting m ] Where have you been, Tony?
Tony I? Nowhere

Duchesse You said you were coming straight here It
doesn’t take twenty-five minutes to get here from Dover
Street*

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

21

Tony I thought there wasn’t any hurry I was just hanging
about the club

Duchesse I rang up the club again, and tney said you’d
gone

Tony [After a very slight pause ] I was downstairs having a
shave, and I suppose they never thought of looking for
me m the barber’s shop

Duchesse What on earth did you want to be shaved for at
half-past four in the afternoon?

Tony I thought you’d like me to look nice and clean

Pearl Go and get Bessie to give you some tea, Tony, I’m
sure you want it after the strenuous day y ou’ve had

[He nods and walks into the inner room

Pearl Minnie, how can you be so silly? You can’t expect
to keep a man if you treat him like that

Duchesse I know he’s lying to me, there’s not a word of
truth in anything he says but he’s so slim I can never
catch him out Oh, I’m so jealous

Pearl Are you really in love with him?

Duchesse He’s everything m the world to me

Pearl You shouldn’t let yourself be carried away like this

Duchesse I’m not cold-blooded like you

Pearl You seem to have a passion for rotters, and they
always treat you badly

Duchesse Oh, I don’t care about the others Tony is the
only one I’ve ever really loved

Pearl Nonsensel You were just as much in love with Jack
Harris You did everything in the world for him You
taught him to wear his clothes You got him into
society And the moment he could do without you he
chucked you Tony will do just the same.

Duchesse, I’m not going to be such a fool this time Tm
going to take care he can’t do without me

22

OUR BETTERS

ACT 1

Pearl I can’t imagine what you see in him You must
know that

Duchesse {Interrupting ] There’s very little I don’t know
He’s a liar, a gambler, an idler, a spendthrift, but m his
way he is fond of me [Appealingly ] You can see he’s
fond of me, can’t you?

Pearl He’s so much younger than you, Minnie

Duchesse I can’t help it I love him

Pearl Oh, well, I suppose it’s no good talking As long as
he makes you happy

Duchesse He doesn’t He makes me miserable But I love
him He wants me to marry him. Pearl

Pearl You’re not going to?

Duchesse No, I won’t be such a fool as that If I married
him Pd have no hold over him at all

[Enter Pole to announce the Princess della Cercola
She is a tall , thin woman of thirty-five, with a pale ,
haggard face and great dark eyes She is a gentle, kind
creature , hut there is something pathetic , almost tragic,
m her appearance She is dressed, though very well, and
obviously by a Pans dressmaker, more quietly than the
Duchesse or Pearl She has not only wealth, but
distinction

Pole Princess della Cercola

[Exit Pearl gets up to receive her They kiss

Pearl Darlingl

Princess D’you hate me for coming to bother you? I ran
up because I know how difficult you ate to catch
[Kissing the Duchesse ] How are you, Minnie?

Duchesse Don’t ask me for a subscription. Flora I’m so
poor

Princess [Smiling] Wait till I tell you what it’s for, and
then you’ll remember that you had a father called
Spencer Hodgson

ACT I OUR BETTERS 23

Duchesse [With a little groan] As if I 'wanted to be
reminded of it!

Pearl You’re so absurd, Minnie You should make a joke
of the pork I always tell people about father’s hardware
store, and when I haven’t got a funny story to tell about
it, I invent one

Princess You’ve made your father quite a character in
London

Pearl That’s why I never let him come over He couldn’t
possibly live up to his reputation

[Fleming Harvey comes forward from the inner room
Fleming I’m going to say good-bye to you

Pearl You mustn’t go before I’ve introduced you to Flora
Flora, this is Mr Fleming Harvey He’s just come from
America He probably carries a six-shooter in his hip-
pocket

Fleming I’m told I mayn’t say I’m pleased to make your
acquaintance, Prmcess
Princess When did you land^

Fleming This morning
Princess I envy you

Fleming Because I landed this morning^

Princess No, because a week ago you were in America
Duchesse Flora!

Fleming I was beginning to think it was something to be
rather ashamed of

Princess Oh, you mustn’t pay any attention to Pearl and
the Duchesse They’re so much more English than the
English

Pearl I notice you show your devotion to the country of
your birth by staying away from it. Flora
Princess Last time I was in America it made me so unhappy
that I vowed I’d never go there again

ACT I

24 OUR BETTERS

Duchesse I was there ten years ago, when I was divorcing
Gaston I hadn’t been in America since my marriage,
and I’d forgotten what it was like Oh, it was so crude
Oh, it was so provincial You don’t mind my saying so,
Mr Harvey^

Fleming Not at all You’re just as American as I am, and
there’s no reason why among ourselves we shouldn’t
abuse the mother that bore us

Duchesse Oh, but I don’t look upon myself as American
I’m French After all, I haven’t a trace of an American
accent To show you how it got on my nerves, I almost
didn’t divorce Gaston because I thought I couldn’t bring
myself to stay in America long enough

Princess It’s not because it was crude and provincial that I
was unhappy in America I was unhappy because after
all it was home, the only real home I’ve ever had, and I
was a stranger

Pearl My dear Flora, you’re being very sentimental

Princess \Smihng ] I’m sorry, I apologise You’re a New
Yorker, Mr Harvey?

Fleming I’m proud of it, madam

Princess New York’s wonderful, isn’t it ? It has something
that no other city in the world has got I like to think of
Fifth Avenue on a spring day The pretty girls in their
smart frocks and neat shoes, who trip along so gaily, and
all the good-looking boys

Duchesse I grant you that, some of the boys are too lovely
for words

Princess Everyone is so strong and confident There’s
such an exaltation in the air You feel in the passers-by a
serene and unshakable belief in the future Oh, it’s very
good to be alive in Fifth Avenue on a sunny day in April

Fleming It’s good for an American to hear another
American say such pleasant things about his country

ACT I OUR BETTERS 25

Princess You must come and see me, and you shall tell me
all the news of home

Pearl How high the newest building is, and how much
money the latest millionaire has got
Fleming Good-bye

Pearl Have you made friends with Thornton Clay^
Fleming I hope so

Pearl You must get him to give you the address of his
tailor

Fleming Aren’t you pleased with my clothes^

Pearl They’re very American, you know,

Fleming So am I

[Thornton Clay comes forward The Duchesse strolls
over to the inner room and is seen talking with Bessie
and Tony Paxton

Pearl Thornton, I was just telling Mr Harvey that you’d
take him to your tailor
Clay I was going to suggest it
Fleming My clothes are not at all a success
Pearl Who d’you go to^ Stultz^

Clay Of course He’s the only tailor in London [To
Fleming] Of course he’s a German, but art has no
nationality

Fleming I’m pleased at all events to think that it’s a
German tailor who’s going to make me look like an
Englishman

[He goes out Thornton makes hs farewells
Clay Good-bye, Pearl

Pearl Are you goings Don’t forget you’re coming down
to Kenton on Saturday

Clay I won’t, indeed I adore your week-end parties. Pearl
I’m so exhausted by Monday morning that I’m fit for
nothing for the rest of the week Good-bye

zS

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

[ne shakes hands and goes out As fa is going , Pole
opens the door to announce Lord Bleane He ts a
young man, very ’English tn appearance 9 pleasant , clean
and well-groomed

Pole Lord Bleane [Exit

Pearl Dear Harry, how nice of you to come
Bleane Fm m absolute despair
Pearl Good heavens, why?

Bleane They’re sending a mission to Rumania to hand the
Garter to some bigwig and I’ve got to go with it

Pearl Oh, but that’ll be very interesting

Bleane Yes, but we start to-morrow, and I shan’t be able
to come down to Kenton on Saturday.

Pearl When do you come back?

Bleane In four weeks

Pearl Then come down to Kenton the Saturday after that
Bleane MayP

Pearl You must go and break the news to Bessie She was
so looking forward to your visit
Bleane D’you think she’ll give me some tea?

Pearl I have no doubt, if you ask her nicely.

[He goes over to the inner room
Princess Now I’ve got you to myself for two minutes
You will help me with my concert, won’t you?

Pearl Of course What do you want me to do? I’ll make
Arthur Fenwick take any number of tickets. You know
how charitable he is
Princess It’s for a very good cause
Pearl I’m sure it is But don’t harrow me with revolting
stories of starving children I’m not interested m the
poor

Princess [Smiling ] How can you say that?

ACT I OUR BETTERS 27

Pearl Are yoiP I often wonder if your philanthropy isn't
an elaborate pose You don't mind my saying that, do
you^

Princess [Good-humouredly] Not at all You have no heart,
and you can’t imagine that anyone else should have

Pearl I have plenty of heart, but it beats for people of my
own class

Princess I’ve only found one thing really worth doing with
all this money I have, and that is to help a little those who
need help

Pearl [With a shrug ] So long as it makes you happy

Princess It doesn't, but it prevents me from being utterly
miserable

Pearl You make me so impatient. Flora You've got more
money than you know what to do with You're a
princess You’ve practically got rid of your husband I
cannot imagine what more you want I wish I could get
rid of mine

Princess [Smiling ] I don't know what you’ve got to
complain of in George

Pearl That's justit I shouldn’t mind if he beat me or made
love to chorus girls I could divorce him then Oh, my
dear, thank your stars that you had a husband who was
grossly unfaithful to you Mine wants me to live nine
months of the year in the country and have a baby every
five minutes I didn’t marry an Englishman for that

Princess "Why did you marry him?

Pearl I made a mistake I'd lived all my life in New York
I was very ignorant I thought if you were a baronet you
must be in society

Princess J often wonder if you're happy. Pearl

Pearl Do you^ Of course I’m happy

Princess An ambassador told me the other day that you
were the most powerful woman in London It's very

28

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

wonderful how you’ve made your way You had
nothing very much to help you

Pearl Shall I tell you how it was done* By force of
character, wit, unscrupulousness and push

Princess [Smiling ] You’re very frank.

Pearl That has always been my pose

Princess I sometimes think there’s positive genius in the
way you’ve ignored the snubs of the great

Pearl [With a chuckle ] You’re being very unpleasant.
Flora

Princess And there’s something very like heroism in the
callousness with which you’ve dropped people when
they’ve served your turn

Pearl You’re driving me to the conclusion that you don’t
altogether approve of me

Princess On the other hand I can’t help admiring you
You’ve brought all the determination, insight, vigour,
strength, which have made our countrymen turn
America into what it 3$. to get what you wanted In a
way your life has been a work of art And what makes it
more complete is that what you’ve aimed at is trivial,
transitory and worthless

Pearl My dear Flora, people don’t hunt in order to catch a
fox

Princess Sometimes, doesn’t it make you rather nervous,
when you’re sitting on the top of your ladder, in case
anyone should give it a kick as he passes*

Pearl It’ll want more than a kick to topple my ladder over
D’you remember when that silly woman made such a
fuss because her husband was in love with me* It wasn’t
till I only just escaped the divorce court that the duchesses
really took me up,

[The Duchesse comes forward with Tont Paxton*

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

2 9

Duchesse We really must be going, Pearl I expect my
masseur at six Compton Edwardes told me about him
He’s ’wonderful, but he’s so run after, if you keep him
waiting a moment be goes away

Pearl My dear, do be careful Fanny Hallam got herself
down to a mere nothing, but it made her look a hundred

Duchesse Oh, I know, but Compton Edwardes has
recommended to me a wonderful woman who comes
every morning to do my face

Pearl- You are coming to my ball, aren’t you^

Duchesse Of course we’re coming Yours are almost the
only parties in London where one amuses oneself as
much as at a night club

Pearl I’m having Ernest to come in and dance

Duchesse I thought of having him one evening How
much does he charge for coming in socially^

Pearl Twenty guineas

Duchesse Good heavens, I could never afford that

Pearl What nonsense! You’re far richer than I am

Duchesse I’m not so clever, darling I can’t think how you
do so much on your income

Pearl [Amused] Pm a very good manager

Duchesse One would never think it Good-bye, dear Are
you coming, Tony^

Tony Yes [She goes out

Tony [Shaking hands with Pearl ] I’ve not had a word with
you to-day

Pearl [Chaffing him ] What are we to do about it?

Princess I must get Minnie to go to my concert Minnie

[She goes out Tony is left face to face with Pearl

Tony You’re looking perfectly divine to-day I don’t
know what there is about you.

ACT I

30 0 XT R B El TERS

Pearl [. Amused \ but not disconcerted ] It is nice of you to say
so

Tony I simply haven’t been able to take my eyes off you
Pearl Are you making love to me^

Tony That’s nothing new, is
Pearl You’ll get into trouble
Tony Don’t be disagreeable. Pearl

Pearl I don’t remember that I ever told you you might call
me Pearl

Tony It’s how I think of you You can’t prevent me from
doing that

Pearl Well, I think it’s very familiar

Tony I don’t know what you’ve done to me I think of
you all day long

Pearl I don’t believe it for a minute You’re an un-
principled ruffian, Tony
Tony Do you mind 5

Pearl [With a chuckle ] Shameless creature I wonder what
it is that Minnie sees in you
Tony I have all sorts of merits
Pearl I’m glad you think so I can only discover one
Tony What is that?

Pearl You’re somebody else’s property
Tony Oh!

Pearl [Holding out her hand ] Good-bye

[He kisses her wrist His lips linger She looks at him
from under her eyelashes

Pearl It doesn’t make you irresistible, you know

Tony There’s always the future

Pearl The future’s everybody’s property.

Tony [In an undertone.} Pearl

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

31

Pearl Be quick and go Minnie will be wondering why
you don't come

[He goes out Pearl turns away with a smile Bessie and
Lord Bleajne advance into the room

Pearl Has Harry broken the news to you that he can't
come down to us on Saturday^

[The Princess comes m

Princess I've got my subscription

Pearl I kept Tony up here as long as I could so as to give
you a chance

Princess [With a laugh ] That was really tactful

Pearl Poor Minnie, she's as mean as cat's meat [With a
glance at Bessie and Lord Bleane ] If you'd like to come
down to the morning-room we can go through my
visitors' book and see who’ll be useful to you

Princess Oh, that would be kind of you

Pearl [To Bleane ] Don’t go till I come back, will you^
I haven't had a word with you yet

Bleane All right

[Pearl and the Princess go out

Bessie I wonder if you sent me these flowers. Lord Bleane^

Bleane I did I thought you wouldn't mind

Bessie It was very kind of you

[She takes Wo oj the roses and puts them in her dress
Bleane is overcome with shyness He does not know
howto begin

Bleane D'you mind if I light a cigarette^

Bessie Not at all

Bleane [As he lights it] D'you know, this is the first time
I've ever been alone with you It was very tactful of
Lady Grayston to leave us

Bessie I’m not sure if It wasn't a trifle too tactful.

32

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

Bleane I was hoping most awfully to have the chance of
getting a talk with you

[The song of the lavender ts heard again m the street
Bessie welcomes the diversion

Bessie Oh, listen, there’s the lavender mac co me back again
[She goes to the window and listens ] Throw bam down a
shilling, will you ?

Bleane All right [He takes a com from his pocket and throws
it into the street

Bessie I seem to feel all the charm of England m that funny
little tune It suggests cottage gardens, and hedges, and
winding roads

Bleane My mother grows lavender at home. When we
were kids we were made to pick it, and my mother used
to put it in little muslin bags and tie them up with pink
ribbon And she used to put them under the pillows of
one’s bed and in all the drawers Shall I ask her to send
you some^

Bessie Oh, that would be such a bother for her

Bleane It wouldn’t She’d like to And you know, it’s not
like the lavender you buy It knocks spots off anything
you can get in shops

Bessie You must hate leaving London at this time of year

Bleane Oh, I’m not very keen on London [Making a dash
font] I hate leaving you

Bessie [With comic desperation ] Let’s not talk about me.
Lord Bleane

Bleane But that’s the only topic that occurs to me.

Bessie There’s always the weather in England*

Bleane You see, I’m off to-morrow

Bessie. I never saw anyone so obstinate

Bleane I shan’t see you again for nearly a month We
haven’t known one another very long, and if I hadn’t

ACT I OUR BETTERS 3*

been going away I expect Fd ha^e thought it better to
wait a bit

Bessie [< Clasping her hands ] Lord Bleane, don’t propose to
me

Bleane Why not?

Bessie Because I shall refuse you

Bleane Ohl

Bessie Tell me about the part of the country you live in I
don’t know Kent at all Is it pretty^

Bleane I don’t know It’s home

Bessie I love those old Elizabethan houses that you have in
England with all their chimneys

Bleane Oh, ours isn’t a show place, you know It’s just
a rather ugly yellow brick house that looks like a box,
and it’s got a great big stucco portico in front of it I
think the garden’s rather jolly

Bessie Pearl hates Abbots Kenton She’d sell it if George
would She’s only really happy in London

Bleane I don’t know that I was so particularly struck on
Bleane till I was over in France When I was m hospital
at Boulogne there didn’t seem much to do but to think
about things It didn’t seem as if I could get well
I knew I should if they’d only let me come home, but
they wouldn’t, they said I couldn’t be moved It’s
rather bleak in our part of the country We’ve got an
east wind that people find a bit trying, but if you’ve
been used to it all your life it bucks you up wonderful
In summer it can be awfully hot down there, but there’s
always something fresh and salt in the air You see,
we’re so near the marshes It was only just across
the water, and it seemed such an awful long way off
I ain’t boring you, am P

Bessie No I want you to tell me

ACT I

34 OUR BETTERS

Bleane It’s a funny sort of country There are a lot of
green fields and elm trees, and the roads wind about —
it’s rotten for motoring, and then you have the marshes,
with dykes in them — we used to jump them when we
were boys, and fall in mostly, and then there’s the sea
It doesn’t sound much, but I felt it was the most ripping
thing I knew And then there are hop-fields — I forgot
them — and the oast-houses They’re rather picturesque,
I suppose I expect it’s like the lavender to you To me
it’s just England

[Bessie gets up and walks towards the window In the
distance is heard the melancholy cry of the lavender man

Bleane What are you thinking about^

Bessie It must be Very wonderful to feel like that about
one’s home I’ve never known anything but a red stone
house in Nineteenth Street As soon as dad can get a
decent offer for it we’re going to move further up town
Mother has a fancy for Seventy-Second Street, I don’t
know why

Bleane Of course, I know it couldn’t mean the same to a
girl that it means to me I shouldn’t expect anyone to
live there always I can be quite happy in London

Bessie [With a smile ] You’re determined to do it?

Bleane If you could bring yourself to marry me, I’d try
and give you a good time

Bessie Well, I suppose that’s a proposal

Bleane I’ve never made one before, and it makes me a bit
nervous

Bessie You haven’t said anything that I can answer yes
or no to

Bleane I don’t want to say anything that you can answer
no to

Bessie [With a chuckle ] Let me say that I’ll think it over,
may I?

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

1 )

Bleane I’m going away to-morrow
Bessie I’ll give you an answer when you come back
Bleane But that won’t be for four weeks
Bessie It’ll give us both a chance to make up our min ds
After all, it is rather a serious step You may come to
the conclusion that you don’t really want to marry me
Bleane There’s no fear of that

Bessie You’re coming down to Kenton for the week-end
after you get back If you change your mmd send Pearl
a wire putting yourself off I shall understand, and I
shan’t be in the least hurt or offended
Bleane Then it’s good-bye till then

Bessie Yes And thank you very much for wishing
to marry me

Bleane Thank you very much for not refusing me outright
[They shake hands and he goes out She walks over to
the window to look at him , glances at the watch on
her wrist , and then leaves the room In a moment
Pole shows in Arthur Fenwick He is a talk
elderly man with a red face and grey hair \

Pole I’ll tell her ladyship you’re here, sir
Fenwick That’ll be very good of you

Pole goes out Fenwick takes a cigar from his case ,
and the evening paper from a table , and settles himself
down comfortably to read and smoke He makes him-
self very much at home Pearl comes m

Pearl Aren’t Bessie and Harry Bleane here^

Fenwick No

Pearl That’s very strange I wonder what can have
happened

Fenwick Never mind about Bessie and Harry Bleane
me your attention now
Pearl You’re very late

Give

ACT I

3 6 OUR BETTERS

Fenwick I like to come when I stand a chance of finding
you alone, girlie

Pearl I wish you wouldn’t call me girlie, Arthur I do
hate it

Fenwick That’s how I think of you When I’m present at
one of your big set-outs, and watch you like a queen
among all those lords and ambassadors and bigwigs,
I just say to myself. She’s my girlie, and I feel warm
all over I’m so proud of you then You’ve got there,
girlie, you’ve got there

Pearl [Smzhng ] You’ve been very kind to me, Arthur

Fenwick You’ve got brains, girlie, that’s how you’ve done
it It’s brains Underneath your flighty ways and that
casual air of yours, so that one might think you were
just enjoying yourself and nothing more, I see you
thinking it all out, pulling a string here and a string
there, you’ve got them in the hollow of your hand all
the time You leave nothing to chance, Pearl, you’re
a great woman

Pearl Not great enough to make you obey your doctor’s
orders

Fenwick [Taking the agar out of his mouth ] You’re not
going to ask me to throw away the first cigar I’ve had
to-day^

Pearl To please me, Arthur They’re so bad for you

Fenwick If you put it like that I must give in

Pearl I don’t want you to be ill

Fenwick You’ve got a great heart, girlie The world just
thinks you’re a smart, fashionable woman, clever,
brilliant, beautiful, a leader of fashion, but I know
different * I know you’ve got a heart of gold

Pearl You’re a romantic old thing, Arthur

Fenwick My love for you is the most precious thing I have
in the world You’re my guiding star, you’re my ideal

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

57

You stand to me for all that’s pure and noble and clean
in womanhood God bless you, girlie I don’t know
what I should do if you failed me I don’t believe I
could live if I ever found out that you weren’t what
I think you

Pearl {Wzth her tongue m her cheek ] You shan’t, if I can
help it

Fenwick You do care for me a little, girlie^

Pearl Of course I do

Fenwick I’m an old man, girlie

Pearl What nonsense! I look upon you as a mere boy

Fenwick [. Flattered ] Well, I expect a good many young
men would be glad to have my physique I can work
fourteen hours on end and feel as fresh as a daisy at
the end of it

Pearl Your vitality is wonderful

Fenwick I sometimes wonder what it is that first drew you
to me, girlie

Pearl I don’t know I suppose it was the impression of
strength you give

Fenwick Yes, I’ve often been told that It’s very difficult
for people to be with me long without realising that —
well, that I’m not just the man in the street.

Pearl I always feel I can rely on you

Fenwick You couldn’t have said anything to please me
better I want you to rely on me I know you I’m
the only man who’s ever understood you I know that,
deep down m that big, beating, human heart of yours,
you’re a timid, helpless little thing, with the innocence
of a child, and you want a man like me to stand between
you and the world My God, how I love you, girliel

Pearl Take care, there’s the butler

Fenwick Oh, damn it, there’s always the butler

[Pole comes tn with a telegram and a parcel of books

ACT I

38 OUR BETTERS

Pearl [Taking the telegram and glancing at the parcel ] What’s
that, Pole?

Pole They’re books, my lady They’ve just come from
Hatchard’s

Pearl Oh, I know Undo them, will you? [Pole cuts
open the parcel and takes out a bundle of four or five books
Pearl opens the telegram ] Oh, botherl There’s no
answer, Pole

Pole Very good, my lady

[Exit

Fenwick Is anything the matter?

Pearl That fool Sturrey was dining here to-night, and
he’s just wired to say he can’t come I do hate having
my parties upset I’d asked ten people to meet him

Fenwick That’s too bad

Pearl Pompous owl He’s refused invitation after invi-
tation I asked him six weeks ago this time, and he
hadn’t the face to say he was engaged

Fenwick Well, I’m afraid you must give him up I daresay
you can do without him

Pearl Don’t be a fool, Arthur I’ll get hold of him some-
how He may be Prime Minister one of these days
[She reflects a moment ] I wonder what his telephone
number is [She gets up and looks tn a book , then sits down
at the telephone ] Gerrard 703 5 If he comes once because
I force him to he’ll come again because he likes it This
house is like the kingdom of heaven I have to compel
them to come in Is Lord Sturrey in? Lady
Grayston I’ll hold the line [Making her voice sweet and
charming ] Is that you, Lord Sturrey? It’s Pearl Grayston
speaking I just rang up to say it doesn’t matter a bit
about to-night Of course. I’m disappointed you can’t
come But you must come another day, will you"
That’s very nice of you How about this day week?

ACT I OUR BETTERS 39

Oh, I’m sorry Would Thursday suit you^ Oh! Well,
how about Friday^ You’re engaged every evening next
week? You are m demand Well, I’ll tell you wh*t, get
your book and tell me what day you are free

Fenwick You’re the goods, girlie You’ll get there

Pearl Tuesday fortnight Yes, that’ll suit me beautifully
830 I’m so glad you chose that day, because I’m having
Kreisler in to play I shall look forward to seeing you
Good-bye [She puts down the receiver ] This time I’ve
got him The ape thinks he understands music

Fenwick Have you got Kreisler for Tuesday fortnight^

Pearl No

Fenwick Are you sure you can get him?

Pearl No, but I’m sure you can

Fenwick You shall have him, girlie [She takes the boons
that Pole brought in and puts them about the room One
she places face downwards , open ] What are you doing
that fon*

Pearl They’re Richard Twinmg’s books He’s coming to
dinner to-night

Fenwick Why d’you trouble about authors, girlie^

Pearl London isn’t like New York, you know People
like to meet them over here

Fenwick I should have thought your position was quite
strong enough to do without them

Pearl We live in a democratic age They take the place
in society of the fools whom kings kept about their
courts in the middle ages They have the advantage
that they don’t presume on their position to tell one
home truths They’re cheap A dinner and a little
flattery v> all they want And they provide their own
clothes

Fenwick You litter up your house with their rotten books

40

OUR BETTERS

ACT I

Pearl Oh, but I don't keep them These are on approval
I shall send them all back to the bookseller to-morrow
morning

Fenwick Pearl, you're a little wonder When you want to
go into business you come to me and Fll take you into
partnership

Pearl How is business?

Fenwick Fine! I'm opening two new branches next week
They laughed at me when I first came over here They
said I'd go bankrupt I've turned their silly old methods
upside down He laughs longest who laughs last

Pearl [Reflectively ] Ah, I can't help thinking that's what
my dressmaker said when she sent me in my bill

[He gives a slight start and looks at her shrewdly He
sees her blandly smiling ]

Fenwick Girlie, you promised me you wouldn’t run up
any more bills

Peirl That's like promising to love, honour, and obey
one's husband, the kind of undertaking no one is really
expected to carry out

Fenwick You naughty little thing

Pearl It's Suzanne — you know, the dressmaker in the
Place Vendome The war has dislocated her business
and she wants to get her money in It isn't very con-
venient for me to pay just at present It's rather a large
sum [She gives him a sheaf of typewritten documents ]

Fenwick This looks more like a five-act play than a bill

Pearl Clothes are expensive, aren't they? I wish I could
dress in fig-leaves It would be cheap, and I believe it
would suit me

Fenwick [Putting the hill tn his pocket ] Well, Fll see what
I can do about it

Pearl You are a duck, Arthur Would you like me
to come and lunch with you to-morrow?

ACT I

OUR BETTERS

41

Fenwick Why, sure

Pearl All right Now you must go, as I want to he down
before I dress for dinner

Fenwick That’s right Take care of yourself, girlie, you’re
very precious to me

Pearl Good-bye, dear old thing

Fenwick Good-bye, girlie

[He goes out As he goes to the door the telephone rings
Pearl takes up the receiver

Pearl You’re speaking to Lady Grayston Tony! Of
course I knew your voice Well, what is it? I’m not at
all stern, I’m making my voice as pleasant as I can
I’m sorry you find it disagreeable [She gives a chuckle ]
No, I’m afraid I couldn’t come to tea to-morrow 1
shall be engaged all the afternoon. What is the day
after to-morrow? [Smiling ] Well, I must ask Bessie
I don’t know if she’s free Of course I’m not coming
alone It would be most compromising A nice-looking
young man like you What would Minnie say^ Oh, I
know all about that I didn’t promise anything
I merely said the future was everybody’s property A
sleepless night Fancy! Well, good-bye Tony,
do you know the most enchanting word in the English
language? Perhaps

[She puts down the telephone quickly, and the curtain falls

END OF THE FIRST AC1

THE SECOND ACT

The Scene ts a morning-room at Abbots Kenton, the Grays tons
place in the country It has an old-fashioned, comfortable
look , nothing ts very new, the chintzes are faded Three long
french windows lead on to a terrace

It is after dinner, a fine night, and the windows are open

The women of the party are sitting down, waiting for the men,
they are Pearl and Bessie, the Duchesse de Surennes
and the Princess della Cercola

Princess You must be exhausted after all the tennis you
played this afternoon, Minnie

Duchesse Not a bit I only played four sets

Princess You played so vigorously It made me quite hot
to look at you

Duchesse If I didn’t take exercise I should be enormous
Oh, Flora, how I envy you! You can eat anything you
choose and it has no effect on you And what makes
it so unfair is that you don’t care about food I am a
lazy and a greedy woman I never eat any of the things
I like, and I never miss a day without taking at least
an hour’s exerase

Princess [Smiling ] If mortification is the first step in
sanctity, I’m sure you must be on the high road to it

Pearl One of these days you’ll give up the struggle,
Minnie, and, like Flora, take to good works

Duchesse [With immense decision ] Never! I shall he on my
death-bed with my hair waved and a little rouge on my
cheeks, and with my last breath murmur Not gruel,
it’s so fattening

OUR BETTERS

ACT n

43

Pearl Well, you’ll have more serious tenms to-morrow
Harry Bleane plays much better than Thornton
Duchesse It was very tiresome of him not to come till it
was just time to dress

Pearl He only got back from Rumania yesterday, and he
had to go down to see his mother [With an amused
glance at her szster ] Bessie asked me not to put him nest
her at dinner

Bessie Pearl, you are a cat f I do think it’s hateful the way
you discuss my private affairs with all and sundry
Duchesse My dear Bessie, they’ve long ceased to be your
private affairs

Pearl Fm afraid Bessie misses her opportunities Just
before he went to Rumama I left them alone together,
and nothing happened All my tact was wasted
Bessie Your tact was too obvious. Pearl
Duchesse Well, do be quick and bring turn to the scratch,
my dear I’m growing tired of people asking me. Is
he going to propose or is he noP
Bessie Don’t they ever ask. Is she going to accept him or
is she not^

Duchesse Of course, you’ll accept him
Bessie Fm not so sure

Princess [Smiling ] Perhaps it depends on tne way he asks
Pearl For heaven’s sake, don’t expect too much romance
Englishmen aren’t romantic It makes them feel absurd
George proposed to me when he was in New York
for the Horse Show I wasn’t very well that day, and
I was lying down I was looking a perfect fright He
told me all about a mare he had, and he told me all
about her father and her mother and her uncles and her
aunts, and then he said [Imitating him ] Look here, you’d
better marry me.

Princess How very sudden.

44

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

Pearl Oh, I said, why didn’t you tell me you were going
to propose^ I’d have had my hair waved Poor George,
he asked Why?

Duchesse The French are the only nation who know how
to make love When Gaston proposed to me he went
down on his knees, and he took my hand, and he said
he couldn’t live without me Of course I knew that,
because he hadn’t a cent, but still it thrilled me He
said I was his guiding star and his guardian angel —
oh, I don’t know what* It was beautiful* I knew he’d
been haggling with papa for a fortnight about having
his debts paid, but it was beautiful

Princess Were you quite indifferent to hinP

Duchesse Oh, quite I’d made up my mind to marry a
foreigner People weren’t very nice to us in Chicago
My cousin JVlary had married the Count de Moret, and
mother couldn’t “bear Aunt Alice She said. If Alice
has got hold of a Count for Mary, I’m determined that
you shall have a Duke

Pearl And you did

Duchesse I wish you could have seen the fuss those
Chicago people made of me when I went over last It
was hard to realise that I used to cry my eyes out because
I wasn’t asked to the balls I wantjed to go to

Princess Still, I hope Bessie won’t^ marry any m an she
doesn’t care for

Pearl My dear, don’t put ideas in the child’s head The
French are a much more cmksejd nation than we are,
and they’ve come to the conclusion long ago that
marriage is an affair of convenience rather than of senti-
ment Think of the people you know who’ve married
for love After five years do they care for one another
an^ more than the people who’ve married for moneys

Princess* They have the recollections

OUR BETTERS

ACT n

45

Pearl Nonsense! As if anyone remembered an emotion
when he no longer felt it!

Duchesse It’s true I’ve been in love a dozen times,
desperately, and when I’ve got over it and look back,
though I remember I was in love, I can’t for the life of
me remember my love It always seems to me so odd
Pearl Believe me, Bessie, the flourishing state of father’s
hardware store is a much sounder basis for matrimonial
happiness than any amount of passion
Bessie Oh, Pearl, what is this you’ve been telling people
about dad selling bananas^

Pearl Bananas^ Oh, I remember They were saying that
Mrs Hanley used to wash the miners’ clothes m Cali-
fornia That and her pearls are taking her everywhere
I wasn’t going to be outdone, so I said father used to
sell bananas in the streets of New York
Bessie He never did anything of the kind
Pearl I know he didn’t, but I thought people were getting
rather tired of the hardware store, and I made a perfectly
killing story out of it I had a new Callot frock on and
I thought I could manage the bananas
Duchesse A most unpleasant vegetable So fattening

[The men come m Thornton Clay, Arthur Fen-
wick, and Fleming Pearl and Bessie get up
Bessie You’ve been a long time
Duchesse Where is Tony^

Clay He and Bleane are finishing their cigars
Duchesse Well, Mr Harvey, are you still enjoying life in
London^

Clay He should be I’ve got him invitations to all the
nicest parties But he will waste his time in sight-seeing
The other day— Thursday, wasn’t it^ — I wanted to take
him to Hurlmgham, and he insisted on going to the
National Gallery instead

c

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

46

Pearl \Smihng ] What an outrageous proceeding!

Fleming I don’t see that it was any more outrageous for
me than for you I saw you coming in just as I was
going out

Pearl I had a reason to go Arthur Fenwick has just
bought a Bronzino, and I wanted to see those in the
National Gallery

Duchesse I think it’s much more likely that you had an
assignation I’ve always heard it’s a wonderful place
for that You never meet any of your friends, and if
you do they’re there for the same purpose, and pretend
not to see you

Fleming I certainly only went to see the pictures

Clay But, good heavens, if you want to do that there’s
Chnstie’s, and there you 22 nil meet your friends

Fleming I’m afraid you’ll never make a man of fashion
out of me, Thornton

Clay I’m beginning to despair You have a natural instinct
for doing the wrong thing D’you know, the other day
I caught him in the act of delivering half a bagful of
letters of introduction? I implored him to put them in
the waste-paper basket

Fleming I thought as people had taken the trouble to give
them to me, it was only polite to make use of them

Clay Americans give letters so carelessly Before you know
where you are you’ll know all the wrong people And,
believe me, the wrong people are very difficult to
shake off

Fleming [Amused ] Perhaps some of my letters are to the
right people

Clay Then they’ll take no notice of them

Fleming It looks as though the wrong people had better
manners than the right ones

Clay The right people are rude They can afford to be

ACT n

OUR BETTERS

47

I was a very young man when I first came to London,
and I made mistakes All of us Americans make mis-
takes It wanted a good deal of character to cut people
who’d taken me about, asked me to dine, stay with
them in the country, and heaven knows what, when
I found they weren’t the sort of people one ought to
know

Pearl Of course, one has to do it

Duchesse Of course It shows that you have a nice nature,
Thornton, to worry yourself about it

Clay I’m curiously sentimental Another of our American
faults I remember when I’d been in London two or
three years, I knew pretty well everyone that was worth
knowing, but I’d never been asked to Hereford House
The duchess doesn’t like Americans anyway, and she’d
been very disagreeable about me in particular But I
was determined to go to her ball I felt it wasn’t the
sort of function I could afford to be left out of

Pearl They’re very dull balls

Clay I know, but they’re almost the only ones you can’t
go to without an invitation Well, I found out that the
duchess had a widowed sister who lived in the country
with her two daughters Lady Helen Blair My dear,
she was a very stuffy, dowdy woman of fifty-five, and
her two daughters were stuffier and dowdier still, and
if possible, older They were in the habit of coming
up to London for the season I got introduced to them,
and I laid myself out I took them to the play, I showed
them round the Academy, I stood them luncheons, I
gave them cards for private views, for a month I worked
like a Trojan Then the duchess sent out her invitations,
and the Blair girls had half a dozen cards for tneir young
men. I received one, and, by George, I’d earned it Of
course, as soon as I got my invitation I dropped them,
but you know I felt quite badly about it

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

48

Duchesse I expect they’re used to that

Clay A strangely tactless woman, I ady Helen Blair She
wrote and asked me if I was offended about anything
because I never went near them

Pearl I wish those men would come, and then we could
dance

Duchesse Oh, that’ll be charming! It’s such good exer-
cise, isn’t it* I’m told that you dance divinely, Mr
Harvey

Fleming I don’t know about that I dance.

Duchesse [To the Princess] Oh, my dear, who d’you
think I danced with the other night? [Impressively]
Ernest

Princess Oh!

Duchesse My dear, don’t say, Oh! like that Don’t you
know who Ernest is*

Pearl Ernest is the most sought after man in London

Princess You don’t mean the dancing-master?

Duchesse Oh, my dear, you mustn’t call him that He’d
be furious He isn’t a professional He gives lessons
at ten guineas an hour, but only to oblige He’s invited
to all the best dances

Fleming One of the things that rather surprised me at
balls was to see all these dancing-masters Do English
girls like to be pawed about by Greeks, Dagos and
Bowery toughs?

Clay You Americans who live in America, you’re so
prudish

Duchesse Believe me, I would go to any dance where there
was the remotest chance of meeting Ernest It’s a
perfect dream to dance with him He showed me a
new step, and I can’t get it quite right I don’t know
what I shall do if I don’t run across him again very soon

Princess But why don’t you let him give you a lesson*

ACT II

OUR BETTERS

49

Duchesse My dear, ten guineas an hour! I couldn’t
possibly afford that I’m sure to meet him at a dance in
a day or two, and I shall get a lesson for nothing
Pearl You ought to make him fall in love with you
Duchesse Oh, my dear, if he only would! But he’s so run
after

[Bleane and Tony Paxton come tn from the terrace
Duchesse At last!

Tony We’ve been taking a stroll in the garden

Pearl I hope you showed him my tea-house

Bessie It’s Pearl’s new toy You must be sure to admire it

Pearl I’m very proud of it You know, George won’t
let me do anything here He says it’s his house, and
he isn’t going to have any of my muck He won’t even
have new chint2es Well, there was an old summer-
house just over there, and it was all worm-eaten and
hornd and tumble-down, what they call picturesque,
but it was rather a nice place to go and have tea in as it
had a really charming view, I wanted to pull it down and
put up a smart Japanese tea-house instead, but George
wouldn’t hear of it, because, if you please, his mother —
a peculiarly plain woman — used to sit and sew there
Well, I bided my time, and the other day, when George
was in London, I pulled down the old summer-house,
got my Japanese tea-house down from town, put it up,
and had everything finished by the time George came
back twenty-four hours later He very nearly had an
apoplectic stroke If he had I should have lolled two
birds with one stone
Bessie Pearl!

Princess I don’t know why you’ve furnished it so
elaborately

Pearl Well, I thought in the hot weather I’d sleep tnere
sometimes It’ll be just like sleeping in the open air

JO OUR BETTERS ACT II

Fenwick These young people want to start dancing,
Pearl

Pearl Where would you like to dance, in here with the
gramophone, or in the drawing-room with the pianola ? 5

Bessie Oh, in the drawing-room

Pearl Let’s go there then

Bessie [To Clay ] Come and help me get the rolls out

Clay Right you are

[They go out> followed by the Duchesse and Pearl,
Tony, Fenwick, and Bleane

Fleming [To the Princess ] Aren’t you coming?

Princess No, I think I’ll stay here for the present But
don’t bother about me You must go and dance

Fleming There are enough men without me I’m sure
Thornton Clay is a host in himself

Princess You don’t like Thornton ? 5

Fleming He’s been very kind to me since I came to
London

Princess I was watching your face when he told that story
about the Hereford ball You must learn to conceal your
feelings better

Fleming Didn’t you think it was horrible ? 5

Princess Fve known Thornton for ten years I’m used to
him And as you say yourself, he’s very kind

Fleming That’s what makes life so difficult People don’t
seem to be good or bad as the squares on a chessboaid
are black or white Even the worthless ones have got
good traits, and it makes it so hard to know how to
deal with them

Princess [Smiling a little] You don’t approve of poor
Thornton ? 5

Fleming What do you expect me to think of a man who’s
proud of having forced his way into a house where he

ACT II

OUR BETTERS

5 *

knew he wasn’t wanted^ He reckons success by the
number of invitations he receives He holds himself up
to me as an example He tells me that if I want to get
into society, I must work for it What do they think
of a man like Thornton Clay in England^ Don’t they
despise him?

Princess Everywhere, in New York just as much as in
London, there are masses of people struggling to get
<" into society It’s so common a sight that one loses the
sense of there being anything disgraceful in it Pearl
would tell you that English society is a little pompous,
they welcome a man who can make them laugh Thorn-
ton is very useful He has high spirits, he’s amusing,
he makes a party go

Fleming I should have thought a man could find some
better use for his life than that

Princess Thornton has plenty of money Do you think
there is any point in his spending his life making more ?
I sometimes think there’s too much money in America
already

F lem ing There are things a man can do beside making
money

Princess You know, American wealth has reached a pitch
when it was bound to give rise to a leisured class
Thornton is one of the first members of it Perhaps he
doesn’t play the part very well, but remember he hasn’t
had the time to learn it that they’ve had in Europe

Fleming [Smhng ] I’m afraid you don’t think me very
charitable

Princess You’re young It’s a real pleasure to me to know
a nice clean American boy And I’m so glad that you’re
not going to be dazzled by this English life that dazzles
so many of our countrymen Amuse yourself, learn
what you can from it, take all the good it offers you
and go back to America.

52 OUR BETTERS ACT n

Fleming I shall be glad to go back Perhaps I ought never
to have come

Princess Fm afraid you’re not very happy

Fleming I don’t know what makes you think that

Princess It’s not very hard to see that you’re in love with
Bessie

Fleming Did you know that I was engaged to her^

Princess [Surprised] No

Fleming I was engaged to her before I went to Harvard
I was eighteen then, and she was sixteen

Princess How very early in life you young people settle
things in America!

Fleming Perhaps it was rather silly and childish But when
she wrote and told me that she thought we’d better break
it off, I discovered I cared more than I thought

Princess What did you say to her 5

Fleming I couldn’t try to hold her to a promise she gave
when she was a schoolgirl I answered that I sympathised
and understood

Princess When did this happen?

Fleming A couple of months ago Then I got the chance
to go over to Europe and I thought I’d come to see
what was going on It didn’t take me long to tumble

Princess You’re bearing it very well

Fleming Oh, the only thing I could do was to be pleasant
I should only have bored her if I’d made love to her
She took our engagement as an amusing joke, and there
wasn’t anything for me to do but accept her view of
it She was having the time of her life At first I thought
perhaps she’d grow tired of all these balls and parties,
and then if I was on the spot I might persuade her to
come back to America with me

Princess You may still

ACT II

OUR BETTERS

53

Fleming No, I haven’t a chance The first day I arrived
she told me how wonderful she thought this English
life She thinks it full and varied She thinks it has
beauty

Princess That sounds rather satirical

Fleming Pearl has been very nice to me She’s taken me
about, I've driven with her constantly, I’ve sat m her
box at the opera, I’m her guest at the moment If I
had any decency I’d hold my tongue

Princess WelP

Fleming [Bursting out impetuously ] There’s something in
these surroundings that makes me feel terribly uncom-
fortable Under the brilliant surface I suspect all kinds
of ugly and shameful secrets that everyone knows and
pretends not to This is a strange house in which the
husband is never seen and Arthur Fenwick, a vulgar
sensualist, acts as host, and it’s an attractive spectacle,
this painted duchess devouring with her eyes a boy
young enough to be her son And the conversation —
I don’t want to seem a prude, I daresay people over
here talk more freely than the people I’ve known, but
surely there are women who don’t have lovers, there
are such things as honour and decency and self-restraint
If Bessie is going to remain over here I wish to God
she’d marry her lord at once and get out of it quickly

Princess D’you think she’ll be happy ?

Fleming Are they any of them happy^ How can they
expect to be happy when they marry for [The
Princess gives a sudden start , and Fleming stops short ]
I beg your pardon I was forgetting Please forgive me
You see, you’re so different

Princess I’m sorry I interrupted you What were you
going to say^

Fleming It wasn’t of any importance You see, I’ve been
thinking it over so much that it’s rather got on my

54

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

nerves And I haven’t been able to tell anyone what I
was thinking about I’m dreadfully sorry
Princess You were going to say, how can they expect to
be happy when they many for a trumpery title? You
thought, they’re snobs, vulgar snobs, and the misery of
their lives is the proper punishment for their ignoble
desires

Fleming [Very apologetically} Princess
Princess [Iromcally ] Princess

Fleming Believe me, I hadn’t the smallest intention of
saying anything to wound you
Princess You haven’t It’s too true Most of us who
marry foreigners are merely snobs But I wonder if it’s
all our fault We’re not shown a better way of life No
one has even hinted to us that we have any duty towards
our own country We’re blamed because we marry
foreigners, but columns are written about us in the
papers, and our photographs are in all the magazines
Our friends are excited and envious After all, we are
human At first, when people addressed me as Princess,
I couldn’t help feeling thrilled Of course it was
snobbishness

Fleming You make me feel a terrible cad
Princess But sometimes there’ve been other motives, too
Has it ever occurred to you that snobbishness is the
spirit of romance in a reach-me-down? I was only
twenty when I married Marino I didn’t see him as a
fortune-hunting Dago, but as the successor of a long
line of statesmen and warriors There’d been a pope in
his family, and a dozen cardinals, one of his ancestors
had been painted by Titian, for centuries they’d been
men of war, with power of life and death, I’d seen the
great feudal castle, with its hundred rooms, where they
had ruled as independent sovereigns When Marino
came and asked me to marry him it was romance that

ACT n

OUR BETTERS

55

stood in his shoes and beckoned to me I thought of
the palace in Rome, which I had visited as a tripper, and
where I might reign as mistress I thought it was
splendid to take my place after all those great ladies,
Orsmis, Colonnas, Gaetams, Aldobrandims I loved him

Fleming But there’s no need to tell me that you could
never do anything from an unworthy motive

Princess My husband’s family had been ruined by specu-
lation He was obliged to sell himself He sold himself
for five million dollars And I loved him You can
imagine the rest First he was indifferent to me, then
I bored him, and at last he hated me Oh, the humiliation
I endured When my child died I couldn’t bear it any
longer, I left him I went back to America I found
myself a stranger I was out of place, the life had become
foreign to me, I couldn’t live at home I settled in
England, and here we’re strangers too I’ve paid very
heavily for being a romantic girl

[Bessie comes in

Bessie Really, Fleming, it’s too bad of you to sit in here
and flirt with the Princess We want you to come and
dance

[The Princess, aguated , gets up and goes out into the
garden ]

Bessie [Looking after her ] Is anything the matter*

Fleming No

Bessie Are you coming to dance, or are you not*

Fleming I had quite a talk with Lord Bleane after dinner,
Bessie

Bessie [Smiling ] Well*

Fleming Are you going to accept the coronet that he’s
dangling before your eyes*

Bessie It would be more to the point if you asked whether
I’m going to accept the coronet that he’s laying at my feet

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

56

Fleming He’s a very nice fellow, Bessie.

Bessie I know that
Fleming I wanted to dislike him
Bessie Why?

Fleming Well, I don’t think much of these English lords
who run after American girls for their money I expected
him to be a brainless loafer, with just enough cunning
to know his market value, but he’s a modest, unassuming
fellow To tell you the truth. I’m puzzled
Bessie {Chaffing him ] Fancy that!

Fleming I think it’s a low-down thing that he’s doing, and
yet he doesn’t seem a low-down fellow
Bessie He might be in love with me, you know
Fleming Is he?

Bessie No

Fleming Are you going to marry him?

Bessie I don’t know

Fleming I suppose he’s come here to ask you?

Bessie {After a short pause ] He asked me a month ago I
promised to give him an answer when he came back
from Rumania I’m in a panic He’s waiting to
get me alone I was able to be quite flippant about it
when I had a month before me, but now, when I’ve
got to say yes or no, I’m so jumpy I don’t know what
to do with myselt
Fleming Don’t marry him, Bessie
Bessie Why not?

Fleming Well, first, you’re no more in love with him than
he is with you
Bessie And then?

Fleming Isn’t that enough?

Bessie I wonder if you realise what he offers me. Do you
know what the position of an English peeress is?

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

57

Fleming Does it mean so much to be called Your Ladyship
by tradesmen^

Bessie You donkey, Fleming If I marry an American
boy my life will be over if I marry Harry Bleane it will
be only just beginning Look at Pearl I could do what
she’s done, I could do more, because George Grayston
isn’t ambitious I could make Harry do anything I liked
He would go into politics, and I should have a salon
Why, I could do anything

Fleming \Dryly ] I don’t know why you should be in a
panic You’ve evidently made up your mind You’ll
have a brilliant marriage with crowds outside the church,
your photograph will be in all the papers, you’ll go away
for your honeymoon, and you’ll come back What will
you do then^

Bessie Why, settle down

Fleming Will you break your heart like the Princess be-
cause your husband has taken a mistress, or will you
take lovers like the Duchesse de Surennes, or will you
bore yourself to death like Pearl because your husband
is virtuous, and wants you to do your dut) ?

Bessie Fleming, you’ve got no right to say things like that
to me

Fleming I’m sorry if I’ve made you angry I had to say it

Bessie Are you quite sure that it’s for my sake you don’t
want me to marry Lord Bleane^

Fleming Yes, I think it is When you broke off our engage-
ment I didn’t blame you You wouldn’t have done it
if you’d cared for me, and it wasn’t your fault if you
didn’t When I came over I saw that I could expect
nothing but friendship from you You must do me the
justice to acknowledge that during this month I haven’t
given the smallest sign that I wanted anything else

Bessie Oh, you’ve been charming You always were the
best friend I’ve had

ACT II

58 OUR BETTERS

Fleming If in a corner of my heart I kept my love for you,
that is entirely my affair I don’t know that it puts you
to any inconvenience, and it pleases me I’m quite sure
that I’m only thinking now of your happiness Go back
to America, and fall in love with some nice fellow, and
marry him You’ll have all my best wishes Perhaps
your life won’t be so brilliant or so exciting, but it will
be simpler and wholesomer, and more becoming

Bessie You’re a dear, Fleming, and if I said anything dis-
agreeable just now, forgive me I didn’t mean it I
shall always want you to be my dearest friend

[Lord Bleane enters from the terrace

Bleane I was looking for you everywhere I wondered
where you’d got to

[There is a momenfs pause Fleming Harvey looks
from Bessie to Bleane

Fleming I really must go and dance with the Duchesse or
she’ll never forgive me

Bleane I’ve just been dancing with her My dear fellow,
it’s the most violent form of exercise I’ve ever taken

Fleming I’m in very good condition.

[He goes out

Bleane Blessings on him.

Bessie Why?

Bleane Because he’s left us alone Ask me another

Bessie I don’t think I will

Bleane Then I’ll ask you one

Bessie Please don’t Tell me all about Rumania

Bleane Rumania is a Balkan State Its capital 1$ Bucharest
It has long been known for its mineral springs

Bessie You’re in very high spirits to-night

Bleane You may well wonder Everything has conspired
to depress them

59

ACT II OUR BETTERS

Bessie Oh, what nonsense!

Bleane First I was in England thirty-six hours before I
had a chance of seeing you, secondly, when I arrived
you’d already gone up to dress, then, when I was ex-
pecting to sit next you at dinner, I was put between Lady
Grayston and the Princess, and, lastly, you made me
pound away at that beastly pianola when I wanted to
dance with you

Bessie Well, you’ve survived it all

Bleane What I want to point out to you is that if notwith-
standing Pm in high spirits, I must have a most engaging
nature

Bessie I never dreamt of denying it

Bleane So much to the good

Bessie The man’s going to propose to me

Bleane No, Pm not

Bessie I beg your pardon My mistake

Bleane I did that a month ago

Bessie There’s been a change of moon since then, and no
proposal holds good after the new moon
Bleane I never knew that
Bessie You’ve been down to see your mother
Bleane She sends you her love
Bessie Have you told her?

Bleane I told her a month ago

[Bessie does not speak for a moment, when she answers
it ts more gravely ]

Bessie You know, I want to be frank with you You won’t
think it disagreeable of me, will you? I’m not in love
with you

Bleane I know But you don’t positively dislike me?
Bessie No I like you very much

6o

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

Bleane Won’t you nsk it then?

Bessie [Almost tragically ] I can’t make up my mind

Bleane FU do all I can to make you happy I’ll try not to
make a nuisance of myself

Bessie I know quite well that I wouldn’t marry you if you
weren’t who you are, and I’m afraid I know that you
wouldn’t marry me if I hadn’t a certain amount of
money

Bleane Oh, yes, I would

Bessie It’s nice of you to say so

Bleane Don’t you believe it^

Bessie I suppose I’m a perfect fool v "night to play the
game prettily You see, I know thar you can’t afford to
marry a girl who isn’t well-to-do Everyone knows
what I have Pearl has taken good care that they should
You wouldn’t ever have thought of me otherwise
We’re arranging a deal You give your title and your
position, and I give my money It’s a commonplace
thing enough, but somehow it sticks in my throat

[Bleane hesitates a moment , and walks up and down
thmbng J

Bleane You make me feel an awful swine The worst of
it is that some part of what you say is true I’m not
such a fool that I didn’t see your sister was throwing
us together I don’t want to seem a conceited ass, but
a fellow in my sort of position can’t help knowing that
many people think him rather a catch Mothers of
marriageable daughters are very transparent sometimes,
you know, and if they don’t marry their daughters
they’re determined it shan’t be for want of trying

Bessie Oh, I can quite believe that I have noticed it m
American mothers, too

Bleane I knew it would be a good dung if I married you
I don’t suppose I should have thought about you if I

SlCT II OUR BETTERS 6l

hadn’t been told you were pretty well off It’s beastly
now, saying all that

Bessie I don’t see why

Bleane Because after a bit I found out I’d fallen in love
with you And then I didn’t care if you hadn’t got a
bob I wanted to marry you because — because I didn’t
know what to do without you

Bessie Harry!

Bleane Do believe me I swear it’s true I don’t care a
hang about the money After all, we could get along
without it And I love you

Bessie It’s very good to hear you say that I’m so absurdly
pleased and flattered

Bleane You do believe it, don’t you?

Bessie Yes

Bleane And will you marry me?

Bessie If you like

Bleane Of course I like [He takes her in his arms and
kisses her ]

Bessie Take care, someone might come in

Bleane [Smiling and happy ] Come into the garden with me

[He stretches out his hand , she hesitates a moment ,
smiles, takes it, and together they go out on to the
terrace

For a moment the mum of a one-step is heard
more loudly , and then the Duchesse and Tony
Paxton come in She sinks into a chair fanning
herself, and he goes over to a table, takes a cigarette,
and lights it

Duchesse Did you see^ That was Harry Bleane and Bessie
I wondered where they were

Tony You’ve got eyes like a lynx

Duchesse I’m positive they were hand in hand

6l

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

Tony It looks as if she’d worked it at last
Duchesse I don’t know about that It looks as if he’d
worked it

Tony She’s not such a catch as all that If I were a peer
I’d sell myself for a damned sight more than eight
thousand a year

Duchesse Don’t stand so far away, Tony Come and sit
on the sofa by me

Tony [Go mg over to her ] I say, I’ve been talking to Bleane
about two-seaters
Duchesse [Very coldly ] Oh!

Tony [ Giving her a look out of the corner of his eye ] He says
I can’t do better than get a Talbot
Duchesse I don’t see why you want a car of your own
You can always use one of mine
Tony That’s not the same thing After all, it won’t cost
much I can get a ripper for just over twelve hundred
pounds, with a really smart body
Duchesse You talk as though twelve hundred pounds were
nothing at all

Tony Hang it all, it isn’t anything to you
Duchesse What with the income tax and one thing and
another. I’m not so terribly flush just now No one
knows the claims I have on me Because one has a
certain amount of money one’s supposed to be made of
It They don’t realise that if one spends it in one way
one can’t spend it in another It cost me seven thousand
pounds to have my house redecorated
Tony [Sulkily ] You said I could buy myself a car
Duchesse I said I’d think about it I wasn’t under the
impression that you’d go and order one right away
Tony I’ve practically committed myself now
Duchesse You only want a car so that you can be inde-
pendent of toe

ACT IX OUR BETTERS 63

Tony Well, hang it all, you can’t expect me to be tied to
your apron-strings always It’s a bit thick if whenever
I want to take a man down to play golf I have to ring
up and ask if I can have one of your cars It makes me
look such an ass

Duchesse If it’s only to play golf you want it. I’m sure any-
one would rather go down to the links in a comfortable
Rolls-Royce than in a two-seater

[A silence

Tony If you don’t want to give me a car, why on earth
did you say you would^

Duchesse [Putting her hand on him ] Tony

Tony For goodness’ sake don’t touch me,

Duchesse [Hurt and mortified ] Tony!

Tony I don’t want to force you to make me presents I
can quite well do without a two-seater I can go about
m omnibuses if it comes to that

Duchesse Don’t you love me^

Tony I wish you wouldn’t constantly ask me if I love
you It is maddening

Duchesse Oh, how can you be so cruel to me !

Tony [Exasperated] D’you think this is quite the best
place to choose to make a scene^

Duchesse I love you with all my heart I’ve never loved
anybody as much as I love you

Tony No man could stand being loved so much D’you
t hink it’s jolly for me to feel that your eyes are glued
on me whatever I’m doing^ I can never put my hand
out without finding yours there ready to press it

Duchesse I can’t help it if I love you That’s my tem-
perament

Tony Yes, but you needn’t show it so much Why don’t
you leave me to do the love-making^

A.CT II

64 OUR BETTERS

Duchesse If I did that there wouldn’t be any love-making

Tony You make me look such a fool

Duchesse Don’t you know there’s nothing in the world I
wouldn’t do for you ?

Tony \Qutckly ] Well, why don’t you marry me ?

Duchesse [ With a gasp ] I can’t do that You know that
I can’t do that

Tony Why noP You could still call yourself Duchesse de
Surennes

Duchesse No, I’ve always told you nothing would induce
me to marry

Tony That shows how much you love me

Duchesse Marriage is so middle-class It takes away all
the romance of love

Tony You simply want to have your freedom and keep
me bound hand and foot D’you think it’s jolly for me
to know what people say about me ? After all, I have
got some pride

Duchesse I’m sure we shall be able to get you a job soon,
and then no one will be able to say anything

Tony I’m getting fed up with the whole business, I tell
you that straight I’d just as soon chuck it

Duchesse Tony, you don’t mean to say you want to leave
me I’ll kill myself if you do I couldn’t bear it, I
couldn’t bear it I’ll kill myself

Tony For God’s sake, don’t make such a row

Duchesse Say vou don’t mean it, Tony I shall scream

Toot After all. I’ve got my self-respect to think of It
seems to me the best thing would be if we put a stop
to the whole thing now

Duchesse Oh, I can’t lose you I can’t

ACT II OUR BETTERS 65

Tony No one can say I’m mercenary, but hang it all, one
has to think of one’s future I shan’t be twenty five for
ever I ought to be settling down
Duchesse Don’t you care for me any more^

Tony Of course I care for you If I didn’t, d’you think
I’d have let you do all you have for me?

Duchesse Then why d’you make me so unhappy?

Tony I don’t want to make you unhappy, but really some-
times you are unreasonable
Duchesse You mean about the car?

Tony I wasn’t thinking about the car then.

Duchesse You can have it if you like
Tony I don’t want it now
Duchesse Tony, don’t be unkind

Tony I’m not going to take any more presents from you
Duchesse I didn’t mean to be unreasonable I’d like you
to have the car, Tony I’ll give you a cheque for it
to-morrow [Coaxwgly ] Tell me what the body’s like
Tony [Sulkily ] Oh, it’s a torpedo body
Duchesse You’ll take me for drives in it sometimes?

[He turns round and looks at her , she puts out hr hand>
he thaws , and smiles engagingly
Tony I say, you are awfully kind to me
Duchesse You do like me a little, don’t you?

Tony Of course I do

Duchesse You have a good heart, Tony Kiss me
Tony [Kissing her , pleased and excited ] I saw an awfully
jolly body in a shop in Trafalgar Square the day before
yesterday I’ve got half a mind to get the people who
made your body to copy it

Duchesse Why don’t you get it at the shop you saw it at?
My people are terribly expensive, and they aren’t any
better than anybody else

ACT II

66 OUR BETTERS

Tont Well, you see, I don’t know anything about the firm
I just happened to catch sight of it as I was passing

Duchesse What on earth were you doing in Trafalgar
Square on Thursday^ I thought you were going to
Ranelagh

Tony I was put off I hadn’t got anything to do, so I
thought I’d just slope round the National Gallery for
half an hour

Duchesse That’s the last place I should have expected you
to go to

Tony I don’t mind haying a look at pictures now and
then

[A sudden suspicion corns to the Duchesse that he was
there with Pearl, but she makes no sign that he
can see

Duchesse [Blandly ] Did you look at the Bronzinos^

Tony \F ailing into the trap ] Yes Arthur Fenwick bought
one the other day at Christie’s He pud a devil of a
price for it too

Duchesse [Clenching her hands in the effort to hide her agita-
tion ] Oh?

Tony I do think it’s rot, the prices people pay for old
masters I’m blowed if I’d give ten thousand pounds
for a picture

Duchesse We’ll go to the National Gallery together one
of these days, shall we?

Tony I don’t know that I want to make a habit of it, you
know

[Pearl and Thornton Clay come in During the
conversation the Duchesse surreptitiously watches
Pearl and Tony for signs of an intelligence between
them

Pearl I’ve got great news for you Bessie and Harry
Bleane are engaged

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

67

Duchesse Oh, my dear, I’m so glad How gratified you
must ber

Pearl Yes, Fm delighted You must come and congratu-
late them

Clay Above all we must congratulate one another We’ve
all worked for it. Pearl

Tony He hadn’t much chance, poor blighter, had he^

Pearl We’re going to have one more dance, and then
Arthur wants to play poker You must come
Clay [To the Duchesse] Will you dance this with me,
Minnie^

Duchesse I’d like to

[Clay gives her his arm She thi ows Tony and Pearl a
glance , and purses her lips She goes out with Clay
Pearl You haven’t danced with me yet, Tony You should
really pay some attention to your hostess
Tony I say, don’t go
Pearl Why noP

Tony Because I want to talk to you
Pearl [Flippantly ] If you want to whisper soft nothings
in my ear, you’ll find the one-step exceedingly con-
venient

Tony You’re a little beast, Pearl
Pearl You’ve been having a long talk with Minnie
Tony Oh, she’s been making me a hell of a scene
Pearl Poor thing, she can’t help it She adores you*

Tony I wish she didn’t, and you did
Pearl [With a chuckle] My dear, it’s your only attraction
for me that she adores you Come and dance with me
Tony You’ve got a piece of hair out of place
Pearl Have P [She takes a small glass out of her hag and looks
at herself As she does so Tony steps behind her and kisses
her neck] You fool, don’t do that Anyone might see us

68

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

Tony I don’t care

Pearl I do Arthur’s as jealous as cats’ meat
Tony Arthur’s playing the pianola
Pearl There’s nothing wrong with my hair
Tony Of course there isn’t You’re perfectly divine
to-night I don’t know what there is about you
Pearl You’re a foolish creature, Tony
Tony Let’s go in the garden
Pearl No, they’ll be wondering where we are
Tony Hang it all, it’s not so extraordinary to take a stroll
instead of dancmg
Pearl I don’t want to take a stroll
Tony Pearl
Pearl Yes^

[She looks at him For a moment they stare at one another
tn silence A hot flame of passion leaps up suddenly
between them 9 and envelops them 9 so that they forget
everything but that they are man and woman The azr
seems all at once heavy to breathe Pearl, like a btrd
tn a net 9 struggles to escape > their voices sink , and
unconsciously they speak m whispers
Pearl Don’t be a fool, Tony
Tony [Hoarsely ] Let’s go down to the tea-house
Pearl No, I won’t
Tony We shall be quite safe there.

Pearl I daren’t It’s too risky
Tony Oh, damn the risk!

Pearl [Agitated] I can’t!

Tony I’U go down there and wait
Pearl [Breathlessly ] But — if they wonder where I am
Tony They’ll think you’ve gone up to your room
Pearl I won’t come, Tony

ACT II

OUR BETTERS

69

Tony Til wait for you

[As he goes out, Arthur Fenwick corns m Pearl
gives a s/ight start , but quickly recovers herself

Fenwick Look here, Fm not going on pounding away at
that wretched pianola unless you come and dance. Pearl

Pearl [Exhausted] Fm tired, I don’t want to dance any
more

Fenwick Poor child, you look quite pale

Pearl Do P I thought I’d put plenty of rouge on. Am I
looking revolting^

Fenwick You always look adorable You’re wonderful I
can’t think what you see in an old fellow like me

Pearl You’re the youngest man I’ve ever known.

Fenwick How well you know the thing to say to please
me!

[He is just going to take her m his arms , but instinctively
she draws back

Pearl Let’s play poker now, shall we^

Fenwick Not if you’re tired, darling

Pearl I’m never too tired for that

Fenwick You don’t know how I adore you It’s a privilege
to be allowed to love you

Pearl [Sure of herself again ] Oh, what nonsense! You’ll
make me vain if you say things like that

Fenwick You do love me a little, don’t yoiP I want your
love so badly

Pearl Why, I dote on you, you silly old thing

[She takes his face m her hands and kisses him , avoids his
arms that seek to encircle her, and goes towards the
door

Fenwick Where are you going^

Pearl Fm just going to my room to arrange my face

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

70

Fenwick My God, how I love you, girhel There’s nothing
in the world I wouldn’t do for you*

Pearl Really?

Fenwick Nothing

Pearl Then ring for Pole and tell him to set out the card-
table and bring the counters

Fenwick And I was prepared to give you a sable coat or a
diamond tiara

Pearl I much prefer chinchilla and emeralds

Fenwick [Taking her hand ] Must you really go and arrange
your face?

Pearl Really!

Fenwick Be quick then I can hardly bear you out of my
sight [He hsses her hand

Pearl [Looking at him tenderly ] Dear Arthur

[She goes out Fenwick rings the hell Then he goes on
the terrace and calls out

Fenwick Thornton, we’re going to play poker Get them
to come along, will you?

Clay [Outside ] Right-ho 1

[Pole comes in

Fenwick Oh, Pole, get the card-table ready

Pole Very good, sir

Fenwick And we shall want the counters Let’s have
those mother-o’-pearl ones that I brought down last time
I was here

Pole Very good, sir

[The Princess comes in Pole proceeds to bring a card -
table into the centre of the room and unfolds it He gets
a box of counters out of a drawer , and puts them on the
table

Fenwick Pearl has just gone to her room. She’ll be here in
one minute

ACT II OUR BETTERS 71

Princess [Looking at the preparations ] This looks like more
dissipation

Fenwick We were going to have a little game of poker 1
don’t think we ought to play very long, Pearl is looking
terribly tired

Princess I don’t wonder She’s so energetic

Fenwick She does too much Just now when I came in she
was quite white I’m really very uneasy about her You
see, she never spares herself

Princess Fortunately she’s extremely strong

Fenwick She has a constitution of iron She’s a very
wonderful woman It’s very seldom you meet a woman
like Pearl She’s got a remarkable bram I’ve frequently
discussed business with her, and I’ve been amazed at her
clear grasp of complicated matters I owe a great deal to
her And she’s good. Princess, she’s good She’s got a
heart of gold

Princess I’m sure she has

Fenwick She’ll always do a good turn to anybody She’s
the most generous, the most open-handed woman I’ve
ever met

[The Duchesse comes in as he says these words

Duchesse Who is this 5

Fenwick We were talking of our hostess

Duchesse I see

[She has her bag in her hand, when the others are not look ng
she hides it behind a sofa

Fenwick I have no hesitation in saying tnat Pearl is the
most remarkable woman in England Why, she’s got
half the Cabinet in her pocket She’s very powerful

Duchesse I have often thought that if she’d lived in the
reign of Charles II she would have been a duchess in her
own light

7 2 OUR SETTERS ACT II

Fenwick [Innocently ] Maybe She would adorn any sphere
She's got everything — tact, brains, energy, beauty

Duchesse Virtue

Fenwick If I were the British people, I'd make her Prime
Minister

Princess [Smiling ] You're an excellent friend, Mr
Fenwick

Fenwick Of course, you’ve heard of her hostel for young
women alone in London?

Duchesse [Sweetly ] Yes, there was a great deal about it m
the papers, wasn’t there?

Fenwick That’s a thing I’ve always admired in Pearl She
has a thoroughly modern understanding of the value of
advertisement

Dlchesse Yes, she has, hasn’t she?

Fenwick Well, believe me, she conceived the idea of that
hostel, built it, endowed it, organised it, all on her own
It cost twenty thousand pounds

Duchesse But surely, Mr Fenwick, you paid the twenty
thousand pounds Pearl hasn’t got sums like that to
throw away on chanty

Fenwick I gave the money, but the money isn’t the
important thing The idea, the organisation, the success,
are all due to Pearl

Duchesse It has certainly been one of the best advertised of
recent philanthropic schemes

[Thornton Clay, Bessie, Bleane and Fleming
come m

Clay We're all dying to play poker.

Fenwick The table is ready

Bessie Where is Pearl?

Fenwick She's gone to her room She’ll be back in a
rrnnute

[They gather round the table and sit down .

ACT n

OUR BETTERS

73

Bessie You’re going to play. Princess^

Princess Oh, I don’t think so. I’ll look on I’m going to
bed in a minute
Bessie Oh, you must play

[The Princess smiles, shrugs her shoulders and ap-
proaches the table

Fenwick Leave a place for Pearl
Duchesse You must leave one for Tony, too
Clay What’s he doing^

Duchesse He’ll be here presently

Fenwick Shall I give out the counters^ What would you
like to play for*

Princess Don’t let it be too high

Duchesse How tiresome of you. Flora! I think I’m in luck
to-night

Fenwick We don’t want to ruin anyone Shilling antes
Will that suit you^

Princess Very well

Fenwick [To Clay ] The whites are a shilling, Thornton,
reds two, and blues five bob Mr Harvey, you might
count some out, will you^

Fleming Sure

[The three of them start counting out the counters
Duchesse Oh, how stupid of me, I haven’t got my bag
Fenwick Never mind, we’ll trust you

Duchesse Oh, I’d rather pay at once It saves so much
bother Besides, I hate not having my bag

Princess One always wants to powder one’s nose if one
hasn’t got it

Duchesse Bessie dear, I left it in Pearl’s new tea-house Do
run and fetch it for me.

Bessie Certainly

OL R BETTERS

ACT II

74

Bleane No, I’ll go

Bessie You don’t know the way I can go through the
bushes It’s only twenty yards You stop and count out
the counters

[She goes out

Fenwick There’s five pounds here Will you take them.
Princess^

Princess Thank you Here’s my money
Dlchesse I’ll give you my fiver as soon as Bessie brings
my bag

Clay How on earth came you to leave it in the tea-house^
Duchesse I’m so careless I’m always leavmg my bag
about

Fleming Here’s another five pounds
Princess What beautiful counters they arel
Fenwick I’m glad you like them I gave them to Pearl
They’ve got her initials on them
Clay Let’s have a hand before Pearl comes Lowest deals

[They all cut

Fleming Table stakes, I suppose^

Fenwick Oh yes, it makes it a much better game
Clay Your deal, Fenwick
Fenwick Ante up. Princess
Princess I beg your pardon

[She pushes forward a counter Fenwick deals The
others take up their cards
Fenwick Two shillings to come in.

Fleming I’m coming in
Bleane I always come in

Fenwick I oughtn’t to, but I shall all the same. Are you
going to make good your ante. Princess^

Princess I may just as well, mayn’t It

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

75

Fenwick That’s how I’ve made a fortune By throwing
good money after bad Would you like a carcb

Princess I’ll have three

[Fenwick gives them to her
Clay The Princess has got a pair of deuces
Fleming I’ll have one

[Fenwick gives it to him
Bleane One never gets that straight, Harvey I’ll take five
Fenwick That’s what I call a real sport
Clay Nonsense It just means he can’t play
Bleane It would be rather a sell for you if I go t a flush
Clay It would, but you haven’t

[Fenwick has given him cards and Bleane looks at them
Bleane You’re quite right I haven’t

[He flings them down Through the next speeches the
business with the cards follows the dialogue
Fenwick Don’t you want any cards, Duchesse^

Duchesse No, I’m out of it

Clay I’ll have three I thought you were in luck.

Duchesse Wait a minute You’ll be surprised.

Fenwick Dealer takes two
Clay Whobets^

Princess I’m out of it
Clay I said it was a pair of deuces
Fleming I’ll bet five shillings
Clay I’ll take it and raise five shillings
Fenwick I suppose I must risk my money What have I
got to put down^ Ten shillings^

Fleming There’s five shillings, and I’ll raise you five
shillings more.

Clay No, I’ve had enough.

Fenwick I’ll take you and raise you again.

OUR BETTERS

ACT II

76

Fleming Very well And once more*

Fenwick I 5 11 see you

[Bessie comes m The Duchesse has been watching for
her Bessie is excessively disturbed
Duchess*. Ah, there’s Bessie
Fenwick [To Fleming ] What have you got^

Duchesse Did you find my ba g?

Bessie [With a gasp ] No, it wasn’t there.

Duchesse Oh, but I remember distinctly leaving it there
I’ll go and look for it myself Mr Fenwick, will you
come with me

Bessie No, don’t — you can’t go into the tea-house
Princess [Surprised ] Bessie, is anything the matter^

Bessie [In a strained voice ] The door of the tea-house is
locked

Duchesse Oh, it can’t be I saw Pearl and Tony go in there
just now

[Bessie suddenly hides her face and bursts into a flood of
tears

Princess [Starting to her feet ] Minnie, you devill What
have you been doing^

Duchesse Don’t ask what I’ve been doing

Fenwick You must be mistaken Pearl went up to her
room

Duchesse Go and look for her.

[Fenwick is about to start from his chair The Princess
puts her hand on his shoulders

Princess Where are you going^

Duchesse I saw her

[For a moment there is a pause
Clay [In an embarrassed way ] Well, we’d better go on with
our game, hadn’t we^

ACT II OUR BETTERS 77

[The Princess and Bleane are bending over Bessie,
trying to get her to control herself
Fleming That was your money, Mr Fenwick
Fenwick [Staring in front of him, with a red face and blood-
shot eyes, under his breath ] The slut The slut

[The Duchesse takes her bag from behind the cushion , ,
gets out the stick for her kps , and her mirror , and
begins to paint them

Clay You’d better deal, Fleming The Princess won’t play,
I expect

Duchesse Deal me cards I want to play
Clay Bleane, come on We’d better go on with our game
Take Bessie’s chips

[Bleane comes forward Fleming deals the cards A
stormy silence hangs over the party , broken only by the
short speeches referring to the game, they play trying to
relieve the tension They are all anxiously awaiting
Pearl, afraid she will come , knowing she must , and
dreading the moment , they are nervous and constrained
Clay Your ante, Bleane

[Bleane puts forward a counter The cards are dealt tn
silence

Clay I’m coming in

[Fenwick looks at his cards , puts forward a couple of
counters , but does not speak Fleming puts forward
counters

Fleming D’you want a card 5
Bleane Three, please
Clay Two

Fenwick [With an effort over himself ] I’ll have three

[Fleming deals them as they ask fust as he has given
Fenwick his. Pearl comes in, followed by Tony
Tony is smoking a cigarette

D

78 OUR BETTERS ACT II

Pearl Oh, have you started already^

Fenwick [ Violently ] Where have you been^

Pearl P My head was aching a little and I went for a
turn in the garden I found Tony composing a sonnet to
the moon

Fenwick You said you were going to your room*

Pearl What are you talking abouP

[She looks round , sees the Duchesse’s look of angry
triumph , and gives a slight start
Duchesse Once too often, my dear, once too often.

[Pearl takes no notice She sees Bessie Bessie has
been staring at her with miserable eyes 9 and now she
bides her face Pearl realises that everything is
discovered She turns coolly to Tony
Pearl You damned fool, I told you it was too risky

END OF THE SECOND ACT

THE THIRD ACT

The Scene zs the same as zn the last act , the morning-room at
Kenton

It zs next day, Sunday , about three in the afternoon , and the sun zs
shining brightly

The Princess, Thornton Clay and Fleming are sitting
down Fleming lights another cigarette

Princess Is it good for you to smoke so many cigarettes^

Fleming I shouldn’t think so

Clay He must do something

Princess Perhaps you can get up a game of tennis later on

Fleming It’s very hot for tennis

Clay Besides, who will play^

Princess You two could have a single

Clay If we only had the Sunday papers it would be
something

Princess You can hardly expect them in a place like this
I don’t suppose there are many trains on Sunday

Clay I wonder if dinner is going to be as cheerful as
luncheon was

Fleming Did Pearl send any explanation for not appearing
at luncheon?

Princess I haven’t an idea

Clay I asked the butler where she was He said she was
lunching in bed I wish I’d thought of that

Princess I’m afraid we were rather silent

Clay Silent! I shall never forget that luncheon Minnie
subdued — and silent Tony sulky — and silent Bessie
79

8o

OUR BETTERS

ACT m

frightened — and silent Bleane embarrassed — and silent
Fenwick fanous — and silent I tried to be pleasant and
chatty It was like engaging the pyramids in small-talk
Both of you behaved very badly You might have given
me a little encouragement

Fleming I was afraid of saying the wrong thing The
Duchesse and Bessie looked as if they’d burst into tears
on the smallest provocation

Princess 1 was thinking of Pearl What a humiliation*
What a horrible humiliation!

F l e m ing What d’you think she’ll do now 5
Clay That’s what I’m asking myself I have an idea that
she won’t appear again till we’re all gone
Princess I hope she won’t She’s always so sure of herself,
I couldn’t bear to see her pale and mortified
Clay She’s got plenty of courage

Princess I know She may force herself to face us It
would be a dreadful ordeal for all of us
Fleming D’you think she’s feeling it very much 5
Princess She wouldn’t be human if she weren’t I don’t
suppose she slept any better last night than the rest of us
Poor thing, she must be a wreck
Fleming It was a terrible scene

Princess I shall never forget it The things that Min me
said I couldn’t have believed such language could issue
from a woman’s throat Oh, it was horrible

Clay It was startling I’ve never seen a woman so beside
herself And there was no stopping her

Fleming. And with Bessie there

Princess She was crying so much, I doubt if she heard

Clay I was thankful when Minnie had the hysterics and we
were able to fuss over her and dab her face and slap her
hands It was a very welcome diversion.

ACTin

OUR BETTERS

Si

Fleming Does she have attacks like that often^

Clay I know she did when the young man before Tony
married an heiress I think she has one whenever there’s
a crisis in the affairs of her heart

Fleming For goodness’ sake, Thornton, don’t talk about it
as if it were a joke

Clay [, Surprised ] What’s the matter, Fleming^

Fleming I think it’s abominable to treat the whole thing so
flippantly

Clay Why, I was very sympathetic I wasn’t flippant
Who got the sal volatile^ 5 I got the sal volatile

Fleming [With a shrug of the shoulders ] I daresay my nerves
are a bit on edge You see, before, I only thought
things were rather queer It’s come as, well, as a shock to
discover exactly what the relations are between all these
people And what I can’t very easily get over is to
realise that I’m the only member of the party who
doesn’t take it as a matter of course

Clay We shall never make a man of the world of you,
Fleming

Fleming I’m afraid that didn’t sound very polite. Princess
I beg your pardon

Princess I should have few friends if I demanded the
standard that you do I’ve learned not to judge my
neighbours

Fleming Is it necessary to condone their vices?

Princess You don’t understand It’s not entirely their
fault It’s the life they lead They’ve got too much
money and too few responsibilities English women in
our station have duties that are part of their birthright,
but we, strangers in a strange land, have nothing to do
but enjoy ourselves

Fleming Well, I thank God Bleane is a decent man, and
he’ll take Bessie out of all this

82 OUR BETTERS ACT III

[The Dlchesse comes m Unlike the Princess, who is tr
a summer frock , suitable for the country , the Duchesse
wears a town dress and a hat

Princess You’ve been changing your frock, Minnie

Duchesse Yes I’m leaving this house in half an hour I’d
have gone this morning, if I’d been able to get away I
alwavs thought it a detestable hole, but now that I’ve
discovered there are only two trains on Sunday, one at
nine, and the other at half-past four, I have no words to
express my opinion of it

Clay Yet you have an extensive vocabulary, Minnie

Duchesse I’ve been just as much a prisoner as if I’d been
shut up with lock and key I’ve been forced to eat that
woman’s food I thought every mouthful would choke
me

Princess Do keep calm, Minnie You know how bad it is
for you to upset yourself

Duchesse As soon as I found there wasn’t a tram I sent
over to the garage and said I wanted to be taken to
London at once Would you believe it, I couldn’t get a
car

Clay Whynot?

Duchesse One of the cars went up to town early this
morning, and the other is being overhauled There’s
nothing but a luggage cart I couldn’t go to London in a
iu ggage cart As it is I shall have to go to the station in it
I shall look ridiculous

Clay Have you ordered it?

Duchesse Yes It’s to be round at the door in a few
minutes

Clay What on earth can Pearl have sent the car up to
London £oP

Duchesse To show her spite

Princess That’s not like her.

ACT III OUR BETTERS 83

Duchesse My dear, she’s been my greatest friend for fifteen
years I know her through and through, and I tell you
that she hasn’t got a single redeeming quality And why
does she want to have the car overhauled to-day^
When you’re giving a party the least you can do is to see
that your cars are in running order

Princess Oh, well, that was an accident You can’t blame
her for that

Duchesse I only have one thing to be thankful for, and that
is that she has had the decency to keep to her room I
will be just It shows at least that she has some sense of
shame

Clay You know, Minnie, Pearl has a good heart She
didn’t mean to cause you pain

Duchesse Are you trying to excuse her, Thornton?

Clay No, I think her conduct is inexcusable

Duchesse So do 1 I mean to have nothing more to do with
her It’s a judgment on me I disliked her the first time I
saw her One should always trust one’s first impressions
Now my eyes are opened I will never speak to her
again I will cut her dead I hope you’ll tell her that,
Thornton*

Clay If that’s a commission you’re giving me, it’s not a
very pleasant one

Princess Will you let me have a word or two with Minnie^

Clay Why, of course Come along, Fleming

[Clay and Fleming Harvey go mto the garden

Duchesse My dear, if you’re going to ask me to turn the
other cheek, don’t Because I’m not going to I’m
going to do all I can to revenge myself on that woman
I’m going to expose her I’m going to tell everyone how
she’s treated me When I was her guest

Princess You must take care what you say for your own
sake, Minnie

ACT III

84 OUR BETTERS

Duchesse I know quite enough about her to make her
position in London impossible I’m going to rum her

Princess What about Tony 5

Duchesse Oh, I’ve finished with him Ah! Fm not the
kind of woman to stand that sort of treatment I hope
he’ll end in the gutter

Princess Don’t you care for him any more 5

Duchesse My dear, if he was starving, and went down on
his bended knees to me for a piece of bread, I wouldn’t
give it to him He revolts me

Princess Well, Fm very glad It distressed me to see you
on those terms with a boy like that You’re well rid of
him

Duchesse My dear, you needn’t tell me that He’s a
thorough wrong ’un, and that’s all there is about it He
hasn’t even had the decency to try and excuse himself
He hasn’t even made an attempt to see me

Princess [Gives her a quick look ] After all, he never really
cared for you Anyone could see that

Duchesse [Her voice breaking ] Oh, don’t say that. Flora I
couldn’t bear it He loved me Until that woman came
between us I know he loved me He couldn’t help
loving me I did everything in the world for him [She
bursts into tears ]

Princess Minnie My dear, don’t give way You know
what a worthless creature he is Haven’t you any self-
respect 5

Duchesse He’s the only man I’ve ever loved I could
hardiy bear him out of my sight What shall I do without
him 5

Princess lake care, here he is

[Tony comes tn He is startled at seeing the Duchesse,
She turns away and hurriedly dries her tears *

ACT 111 OUR BETTERS 8$

Tony Oh, I beg your pardon I didn’t know anyone was
here I was looking for some cigarettes

[He stands there awkwardly , not knowing whether to go or
stay The Princess looks at him reflectively There is
a moment 9 s silence Then she shrugs her shoulders and
goes out He looks at the Duchesse who stands with
her hack to him He hesitates a moment , th$n y almost
on the tips of his toes 9 walks over to the cigarettes ,
fills his case 9 takes another look at the Duchesse, and
is m the act of tip-toeing out of the room when she stops
him with her question

Duchesse Where are you going?

Tony Nowhere in particular

Duchesse Then you’d better stay here

Tony I thought you wished to be alone

Duchesse Is that why you’ve kept away from me all day?

[He sinks sulkily into an armchair The Duchesse
finally turns round and faces him

Duchesse Haven’t you got anything to say for yourself at
all?

Tony What’s the good of talking * 1

Duchesse You might at least say you’re sorry for the pain
you’ve caused me If you’d had any affection for me you
wouldn’t have done all you could to avoid me

Tony I knew you’d only make a scene

Duchesse Good heavens, you surely don’t expect me not
to make a scene

Tony The whole thing’s very unfortunate

Duchesse Ha* Unfortunate You break my heart and then
you say it’s unfortunate

Tony I didn’t mean that I meant it was unfortunate that
you caught us out

ACT III

86 OUR BETTERS

Duchesse Oh, hold your stupid tongue Every word you
say is more unfortunate than the last

Tony It’s because I knew you’d take offence at everything
I said that I thought the best thing I could do was to keep
out of the way

Duchesse You’re heartless, heartless If you’d had any
decent feeling you couldn’t have eaten the lunch you did
But you munched away, munched, munched, munched,
till I could have killed you

Tony Well, I was hungry

Duchesse You oughtn’t to have been hungry*

Tony What are you going to do about it?

Duchesse About your appetite? Pray to God your nest
mouthful chokes you

Tony No, about the other

Dl chesse I’m going to leave this house this afternoon

Tony D’you want me to come, too?

Duchesse What d’you suppose it matters to me whether
you go or stay?

Tony If you go I shall have to go, too

Duchesse You ought to start soon then It’s four miles to
the station I shall be obliged if you will not get in the
same carnage as me

Tony I’m not going to walk They can run me down in a
car

Duchesse There’s nothing but a luggage cart, and I’m
going in that

Tony Isn’t there room for me?

Duchesse No

Tony When d’you want me to move out of my fiat?

Duchesse What has that got to do with me?

Tony You know very well that I can’t pay ttie rent

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

87

Duchesse That’s your look-out

Tony I shall go to the colonies

Duchesse That’s the very best thing you can do I hope
you’ll have to break stones, and dig, and paint — with
lead paint I hope you’re miserable

Tony Oh, well, it’ll have its compensations

Duchesse Such as ?

Tony I shall be my own master I was about fed up with
this, I can tell you

Duchesse Yes, you can say that now

Tony D’you think it was all jam, never being able to call
my soul my own? I was sick to death of it

Duchesse You cadi

Tony Well, you may just as well know the truth

Duchesse D’you mean to say you never cared for me 5 Not
even at the beginning^

[He shrugs his shoulders , hut does not answer She speaks
the next phrases m little gasps gradually weakening as
her emotion overcomes her He stands before her in
sulky silence

Duchesse Tony, I’ve done everything in the world for you
I’ve been kke a mother to you How can you be so
ungrateful You haven’t got any heart If you had you’d
have asked me to forgive you You’d have made
some attempt to . . Don’t you want me to forgive
you^

Tony What d’you mean by that?

Duchesse If you’d only asked me, if you’d only shown you
were sorry. I’d have been angry with you, I wouldn’t
have spoken to you for a week, but I’d have forgiven
you — I’d have forgiven you, Tony But you never gave
me a chance It’s cruel of you, cruell

Tony Well, anyhow, it’s too late now

88

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

Duchesse Do you want it to be too late^

Tony It’s no good grousing about the past The thing’s
over now

Duchesse Aren’t you sorry^

Tony I don’t know I suppose I am in a way I don’t want
to make you unhappy

Duchesse If you wanted to be unfaithful to me, why
didn’t you prevent me from finding out^ You didn’t
even trouble to take a little precaution
Tony I was a damned fool, I know that
Duchesse Are you in love with that woman?

Tony No

Duchesse Then why did yoiP Oh, Tony, how could you^
Tony If one felt about things at night as one does next
morning, life would be a dashed sight easier
Duchesse If I said to you. Let’s let bygones be bygones and
start afresh, what would you say, Tony^

[She looks away He r >sts his eyes on her reflectively
Tony We’ve made a break now We’d better leave it at
that I shall go out to the colonies
Duchesse Tony, you don’t mean that seriously You could
never stand it You know, you’re not strong You’ll
only die

Tony Oh, well, one can only die once*

Duchesse I’m sorry for all I said just now, Tony I didn’t
mean it

Tony It doesn’t matter
Duchesse I can’t live without you, Tony
Tony I’ve made up my mind It’s no good talking
Duchesse I’m sorry I was horrid to you, Tony I’ll never
be again Won’t you forget it? Oh, Tony, won’t you
forgive me^ I’ll do anything in the world for you if only
you won’t leave me

ACT Hi OUR BETTERS 8c

Tony It’s a rotten position I’m in I must think of the
future

Duchesse Oh, but Tony, I’ll make it all right for you

Tony It’s very kind of you, but it’s not good enough Let’s
part good friends, Minnie If I’ve got to walk to the
station, it’s about time I was starting [Hi? holds out hu
hand to her ]

Duchesse D’you mean to say it’s good-bye 5 Good-bye for
ever 5 Oh, how can you be so cruel 1

Tony When one’s made up one’s mind to do a thing, it’s
best to do it at once

Duchesse Oh, I can’t bear it I can’t bear it [She begins tc
cry ] Oh, what a fool I was! I ought to have pretended
not to see anything I wish I’d never known Then you
wouldn’t have thought of leaving me

Tony Come, my dear, pull yourself together You’ll get
over it

Duchesse [Desperately ] Tony, if you want to marry me —
I’m willing to marry you [A pause

Tony I should be just as dependent on you D’you think
it would be jolly for me having to come to you for every
five pounds I wanted 5

Duchesse I’ll settle something on you so that you’ll be
independent A thousand a year Will that do 5

Tony You are a good sort, Minnie [He goes over and sits
down bestde her ]

Duchesse You will be kind to me, won’t you 5

Tony Rather! And look here, you needn’t give me that
two-seater I shall be able to drive the Rolls-Royce

Duchesse You didn’t want to go to the colonies, did you 5

Tony Not much

Duchesse Oh, Tony, I do love you so

Tony That’s right

ACT III

90 OUR BETTERS

Duchesse We won’t sta^ another minute in this house
Ring the bell, vill you? You’ll come with me in the
* u gg a g e catt^

Tony [ Touching the hell ] I much prefer that to walking
Duchesse It’s monstrous that there shouldn’t be a motor to
take luggage to the station It’s a most uncomfortable
house to stav in

Tony Oh, beastly D’you know that I didn’t have a bath-
room attached to my bedroom 5 [Pole comes in

Duchesse Is the luggage cart ready, Pole 5
Pole I’ll enquire, your grace

Duchesse My maid is to follow in the mormng with the
luggage Mr Paxton will come with me [To Tony ]
What about your things 5

Tony Oh, they’ll be all right I brought my man with me
Pole Her ladyship is just coming downstairs, your grace
Duchesse Oh, is she 5 Thank you, that’ll do, Pole
Pole Very good, your grace

[He goes out As soon as he closes the door behind him the
Duchesse springs to her feet

Duchesse I won’t see her Tony, see if Thornton is on the
terrace

Tony All right [He goes to the French window ] Yes I’ll call
him, shall I 5 Clay, come here a minute, will you 5

[He goes out Thornton Clay comes in, followed
immediately by the Princess and Fleming

Duchesse Thornton, I’m told Pearl is coming downstairs
Clay At last

Duchesse I won’t see her Nothing will induce me to see
her

Princess My dear, what is to be done 5 We can’t make her
remain upstairs in her own house

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

9 l

Duchesse No, but Thornton can speak to her She’s
evidently ashamed of herself I only ask one thing, that
she should keep out of the way till Fm gone

Clay Flldomybest

Duchesse Fm going to walk up and down till the luggage
cart is ready I haven’t taken my exercise to-day

[She goes out

Clay If Pearl is m a temper that’s not a very pleasant
message to give her

Princess You won’t find her in a temper If she’s dread-
fully upset, tell her what Minnie says gently

Fleming Here is Bessie [She comes m ] It appears that
Pearl is just coming downstairs

Bessie Is she ?

Princess Have you seen her this morning, Bessie^

Bessie No She sent her maid to ask me to go to her, but
I had a headache and couldn’t

[Thej look at her curiously She is inclined to he abrupt and
silent It may be imagined that she has made up her
mind to some course, but what that is the others cannot
tell Fleming goes over and sits beside her

Fleming I’m thinking of going back to America next
Saturday, Bessie

Bessie Dear Fleming, I shall be sorry to lose you

Fleming I expect you’ll be too busy to think about me
You’ll have to see all kinds of people, and then there’s
your trousseau to get

Bessie I wish you could come over to Pans with me.
Princess, and help me with it

Princess P [She gets an inkling of what Bessie means ] Of
course, if I could be of any help to you, dear child
[She takes Bessie’s band and gives her a fond smile Bessie

9 *

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

turns away to hide a tear that for a moment obscures her eyes ]
Perhaps it’s a very good idea We must talk about it
i Pearl comes m She is perfectly cool and collected
radiant m a wonderful, audacious gown , she is looking
her best and knows it There is nothing m her manner to
indicate the smallest recollection of the episode that took
place on the preceding evening

Pearl [Brightly ] Good-morning

Clay Good-afternoon

Pearl I knew everyone would abuse me for coming down
so late It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to
get up

Clay Don’t be paradoxical. Pearl, it’s too hot

Pe*rl The sun streamed into my room, and I said, It’s a sin
not to get up on a morning like this And the more I said
I ought to get up, the more delightful I found it to he in
bed How is your head, Bessie^

Bessie Oh, it’s better, thank you

Pearl I was sorry to hear you weren’t feelmg up to the
mark

Bessie I didn’t sleep very well

Pearl What have you done with your young man?

Bessie Harry^ He’s writing letters

Pearl Spreading the glad tidings, I suppose You ought
to write to his mother, Bessie It would be a graceful
attention A charming, frank little letter, the sort of
thing one would expect an ingenue to write Straight
from the heart

Clay I’m sure you’d love to write it yourself. Pearl.

Pearl And we must think about sending an announcement
to the Morning Post

Fleming You think of everything. Pearl

Pearl I take my duties as Bessie’s chaperon very seriously

ACT III OUR GUTTERS 93

I’ve already got a brilliant idea for the gown I’m going to
wear at the wedding
Fleming Geel

Pearl My dear Fleming, don’t say Gee, it’s so American.
Say By Jove

Fleming I couldn’t without laughing
Pearl Laffing Why can’t you say laughing^

Fleming I don’t want to

Pearl How obstinate you are Of course, now that
Bessie is going to marry an Englishman she’ll have to
take lessons I know an excellent woman She’s taught
all the American peeresses
Fleming You surprise me

Pearl She’s got a wonderful method She makes you read
aloud And she has long lists of words that you have to
repeat twenty times a day — half instead of haf, and barth
instead of bath, and carnt instead of can’t
Fleming By Jove instead of Gee^

Pearl Peeresses don’t say By Jove, Fleming She teaches
them to say Good heavens instead of Mercy

Fleming Does she make money by it ?

Pearl Pots She’s a lovely woman Eleo Dorset had an
accent that you could cut with a knife when she first came
over, and in three months she hadn’t got any more than
I have

Bessie [Getting up To Fleming J D’you think it’s too hot
for a turn in the garden^

Fleming Why, no

Bessie Shall we go then> [They go out together

Pearl What’s the matter with Bessie^ 5 She must have
swallowed a poker last night No wonder she couldn’t
sleep It’s enough to give anyone indigestion
Clay You know that Minnie is going this afternoon. Pearl?

ACT III

94 OUR BETTERS

Pearl Yes, so 1 heard It’s such a bore there are no cars
to take her to the station She’ll have to go in tne
luggage cart

Clay She doesn’t wish to see >ou

Pearl Oh, but I wish to see her

Clay I daresay

Pearl I must see her

Clay She asked me to tell you that she only wished you to
do one thing, and that is to keep out of the way till she’s
gone

Pearl Then you can go and tell her that unless she sees me
she shan’t have the luggage cart

Qay Pearl!

Pearl That’s my ultimatum.

Clay Can you see me taking a message like that to the
Duchesse^

Pearl It’s four miles to the station, and there’s not a scrap
of shade all the way

Clay After all, it’s not a very unreasonable request she’s
making

Pearl If she wants the luggage cart she must come and say
good-bye to me like a lady

Clay [To the Princess ] What am I to do^ We used up all
the sal volatile last night

Princess I’ll tell her if you like D’you really insist on
seeing her. Pearl?

Pearl Yes, it’s very important [The Princess goes out
Pearl watches her go with a smile ] I’m afraid Flora is
shocked She shouldn’t know such people

Clay Really, Pead, your behaviour is monstrous

Pearl Never mind about my behaviour Tell me how
luncheon went off.

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

95

Cl vjt My dear, it was like a gathering of relations who hate
one another, after the funeral of a rich aunt who’s left all
her money to charity

Pearl It must have been priceless I’d have given anything
to be there

Clay Why weren’t you?

Pearl Oh, I knew there’d be scenes, and I’m never at my
best in a scene before luncheon One of the things I’ve
learnt from the war is that a general should choose his
own time for a battle

Clay Minnie moved heaven and earth to get away this
morning

Pearl I knew she couldn’t I knew none of them could go
till the afternoon

Clay The tram service is atrocious

Pearl George says that is one of the advantages of the
place It keeps it rural There’s one at nine and another
at half-past four I knew that not even the most violent
disturbances would get people up at eight who never by
any chance have breakfast till ten As soon as I awoke I
took the necessary steps

Clay [Interrupting ] You slept?

Pearl Oh yes, I slept beautifully There’s nothing like a
little excitement to give me a good night

Clay Well, you certainly had some excitement I’ve rarely
witnessed such a terrific scene

Pearl I sent out to the garage and gave instructions that
the old Rolls-Royce was to be taken down at once and
the other was to go to London

Clay What for*

Pearl Never mind You’ll know presently Then I did a
little telephoning

Clay Why were you so anxious to prevent anybody from
leaving the house*

ACT III

96 OUR BETTERS

Pe\rl I couldn’t have persuaded myself that my party was
a success if half my guests had left me on Sunday
morning I thought they might change their minds by
the afternoon

Ciay If that’s your only reason, I don’t think it’s a very
good one

Pearl It isn’t I will be frank with you, Thornton I can
imagine that a very amusing story might be made out of
this episode I never mind scandal, but I don’t expose
myself to ridicule if I can help it

Clay My dear Pearl, surely you can trust the discretion of
your guests Who do you thmk will give it away^

Pe\rl You

Clay P My dear Pearl, I give you my word of honour

Pearl [Calmly ] My dear Thornton, I don’t care two-
pence about your word of honour You’re a pro-
fessional entertainer, and you’ll sacrifice everything to a
good story Why, don’t you remember that killing
story about your father’s deaths You dined out a
whole season on it

Clay Well, it was a perfectly killing story No one would
have enjoyed it more than my poor old father

Pearl I’m not going to risk anything, Thornton I thmk
it’s much better there should be no story to tell

Clay No one can move the clock backwards. Pearl I
couldn’t help thinking at luncheon that there were the
elements of a very good story indeed*

Pearl And you’ll tell it, Thornton. Then I shall say
My dear, does it sound probable^ They all stayed quite
happily till Monday morning, Sturrey and the Aldingtons
dined on the Sunday night, and we had a very merry
evening Besides, I was lunching with Minnie only two
days afterwards And I shall say Poor Thornton, he is
such a liar, isn’t he>

iCT III

OUR BETTERS

97

Zlay I confess that if you are reconciled with Minnie it will
take a great deal of the point away from my story
What about Arthur Fenwick^

Pearl He’s a sensualist, and the sensual are always
sentimental

Clay He scared me dreadfully at luncheon He was eating
a dressed crab, and his face grew every minute more
purple I was expecting him to have an apoplectic fit

Pearl It’s not an unpleasant death, you know, Thornton,
to have a stroke while you’re eating your favourite dish

Clay You know, there are no excuses for you. Pearl

Pearl Human nature excuses so much, Thornton

Clay You really might have left Tony alone This habit
you have of snitching has got you into trouble before

Pearl People are so selfish It just happens that I find no
man so desirable as one that a friend of mine is in love
with I make allowances for the idiosyncrasies of
my friends Why shouldn’t they make allowances for
mine^

[The Duchesse comes m, erect and haughty , with the air of
Boadicea facing the Roman legions Pearl turns to her
with an ingratiating smile

Pearl Ah, Minnie

Duchesse Pm told the only way I can leave this house is by
submitting to the odious necessity of seeing you

Pearl I wish you wouldn’t go, Minnie Lord Sturrey is
coming over to dinner to-night, and so are the Arlmg-
tons I always take a lot of trouble to get the right
people together, and I hate it when anybody fails me at
the last minute

Duchesse D’you think anything would have induced me to
stay so long if there’d been any possibility of getting
away^

ACT III

98 OUR BETTERS

Pearl It wouldn’t have been nice to go without saying
good-bye to me

Duchesse Don’t talk nonsense, Pearl

Pearl D’you know that you behaved very badly last night,
and I ought to be extremely angry with you^

Dlchesse P Thornton, the woman’s as mad as a hatter

Pearl You really oughtn’t to have made a scene before
Harry Bleane And, you know, to tell Arthur wasn’t
playing the game If you wanted to tell anyone, why
didn’t you tell George- 5

Duchesse In the first place, he wasn’t here He never is

Pearl I know He says that now society has taken to
coming down to the country for week-ends he prefers
London

Duchesse I’ll never forgive you Never Never Never
You’d got Arthur Fenwick Why weren’t you satisfied
with him? If you wanted to have an affair with anyone,
why didn’t you take Thornton 5 He’s almost the only one
of your friends with whom you haven’t The omission
is becoming almost marked

Pearl Thornton never makes love to me except when
other people are looking He can be very passionate
in the front seat of my box at the opera

Clay This conversation is growing excessively personal
I’ll leave you [He goes out

Pearl I’m sorry I had to insist on your seeing me, but I had
something quite important to say to you

Duchesse Before you go any further. Pearl, I wish to tell
you that I’m going to marry Tony

Pearl [Aghast ] Minnie! Oh, my dear, you’re not doing it
to spite me? You know, honestly, he doesn’t interest me
in the slightest Oh, Minnie, do think carefully,

Duchesse It’s the only way I can keep him.

ACT in

OUR .BETTERS

99

Pearl D’you thick you’ll be happy^

Duchesse What should you care if I’m happy^

Pearl Of course I care D’you think it’s wise^ You’re
giving yourself into his hands Oh, my dear, how can
you risk lt^

Duchesse He said he was going out to the colonies I love
him I believe you’re really distressed How
strange you are. Pearl! Perhaps it’s the best thing for
me He may settle down I was very lonely sometimes,
you know Sometimes, when I had the blues, I almost
wished I’d never left home

Pearl And I’ve been moving heaven and earth to get him a
job I’ve been on the telephone this morning to all the
Cabinet Ministers I know, and at last I’ve done it That’s
what I wanted to tell you I thought you’d be so
pleased I suppose now he won’t want it
Duchesse Oh, I’m sure he will He’s very proud, you
know That’s one of the things I liked in him He had to
be dependent on me, and that’s partly why he always
wanted to marry me
Pearl Of course, you’ll keep your title
Duchesse Oh yes, I shall do that

Pearl [Going towards her as if to kiss her ] Well, darling, you
have mv very, very best wishes
Duchesse [Drawing back ] I’m not going to forgive you.
Pearl

Pearl But you’ve forgiven Tony
Duchesse I don’t blame him He was led away
Pearl Come, Minnie, don’t be spiteful You might let by-
gones be bygones

Duchesse Nothing will induce me to stay in this house
another night

Pearl It’s a very slow train, and you’ll have to go without
your tea.

IOO

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

Duchesse I don’t care

Pearl You won’t arrive in London till half-past eight, and
jou’ll have to dine in a restaurant
Duchesse I don’t care

Pearl You’ll be grubby and hot Tony will be hungry and
out of temper And you’ll look your age
Duchesse You promised me the luggage cart

Pearl [With a sigh ] You shall have it, but you’ll have to sit
on the floor, because it hasn’t got any seats

Duchesse Pearl, it’s not going to break down on the way
to the station^

Pearl Oh, no How can you suspect me of playing a trick
like that on you^ [With a tmge of regret ] It never
occurred to me

[Thornton Clay comes in
Clay Pearl, I thought you’d like to know that Fenwick is
coming to say good-bye to you

Duchesse I’ll go and tell Tony about the job you’ve got
him By the way, what is it^

Pearl Oh, it’s something in the Education Office
Duchesse How very nice What do they do there^

Pearl Nothing But it’ll keep him busy from ten to four
[The Duchesse goes out ]

Pearl She’s going to marry him
Clay I know

Pearl I’m a wonderful matchmaker First Bessie and
Harry Bleane, and now Mi nn ie and Tony Paxton I
shall have to find someone for you, Thornton

Clay How on earth did you manage to appease her?

Pearl I reasoned with her After all, she should be glad
the boy has sown his wild oats before he marries And
besides, if he were her husband, of course she wouldn’t

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

IOI

expect fidelity from him, it seems unnatural to expect it
when he isn’t

Clay But she’s going all the same

Pearl I’ve got a quarter of an hour yet Give me your
handkerchief, will you^

Clay [Handing it to her ] You’re not going to burst into
tears^

Pearl [She rubs her cheeks violently ] I thought I ought to
look a little wan and pale when Arthur comes in

Clay You’ll never love me, Pearl You tell me all your
secrets

Pearl Shall I tell you what to do about it^ Take the
advice I give to Americans who come over to London
and want to see the Tower say you’ve been, and don’t go

Clay D’you think you can bring Arthur rounds

Pearl I’m sure I could if he loved me

Clay My dear, he dotes on you

Pearl Don’t be a fool, Thornton He loves his love for
me That’s quite a different thing I’ve only got one
chance He sees himself as the man of iron, I’m going to
play the dear little thing racket

Clay You’re a most unscrupulous woman. Pearl

Pearl Not more than most Please go I think he ought to
find me alone

[Clay goes out Pearl seats herself m a pensive attitude
and looks down at the carpet, m her hand she holds
dejectedly an open volume of poetry "Presently Arthur
Fenwick comes in She pretends not to see him He is
the strongman , battered but not beaten , struggling with
the emotion which he tries to master

Fenwick Pearl!

Pearl [With a jump ] Oh, how you startled me I didn’t
hear you come in

102

OUR BETTERS

ACT in

Fenwick I daresay you’re surprised to see me I thought it
was necessary that we should have a short conversation
before I left this house

Pearl [Looking away ] I’m glad to see you once more
Fenwick You understand that everything is over between
us

Pearl If you’ve made up your mind, there’s nothing for
me to say I know that nothing can move you when
you’ve once done that

Fenwick [Drawing himselj up a httle ] No That has always
been part of my power
Pearl I wouldn’t have you otherwise
Fenwick I don’t want to part from you in anger, Pearl
Last night I could have thrashed you within an inch of
your life

Pearl Why didn’t you^ D’you think I’d have minded that
from the man I loved^

Fenwick You know I could never hit a woman
Pearl I thought of you all through the long hours of the
night, Arthur

Fenwick I never slept a wink

Pearl One would never think it You must be made of
iron

Fenwick I think I am sometimes
Pearl Am I very pale!

Fenwick A little
Pearl I feel a perfect wreck

Fenwick You must go and he down It’s no good making
yourself ill

Pearl Oh, don’t bother about me, Arthur
Fenwick I’ve bothered about you so long. It’s difficult for
me to get out of the habit all at once
Pearl Every word you say stabs me to the heart*

ACT in OUR BETTERS IO$

Fenwick Fll get done quickly with what I had to tell you
and then go It’s merely this Of course, I shall continue
the allowance I’ve always made you

Pearl Oh, I couldn’t take it I couldn’t take it

Fenwick You must be reasonable. Pearl This is a matter
of business

Pearl It’s a question I refuse to discuss Nothing would
have induced me to accept your help if I hadn’t loved
you Now that there can be nothing more between us —
no, no, the thought outrages me

Fenwick I was afraid that you’d take up that attitude
Remember that you’ve only got eight thousand a year of
your own You can’t live on that

Pearl I can starve

Fenwick I must insist. Pearl, for my own sake You’ve
adopted a style of living which you would never have
done if you hadn’t had me at the back of you I’m
morally responsible, and I must meet my obligations

Pearl We can only be friends in future, Arthur

Fenwick I haven’t often asked you to do anything for me.
Pearl

Pearl I shall return your presents Let me give you my
pearl necklace at once

Fenwick Girlie, you wouldn’t do that

Pearl [ 'Pretending to try and take the necklace off] I can’t
undo the clasp Please help me

[She goes up to him and turns her back so that he may get
at it

Fenwick I won’t I won’t.

Pearl Fll tear it off my neck

Fenwick Pearl, you break my heart Do you care for me so
little that you can’t bear to wear the trifling presents i
gave you

104

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

Pearl If you talk to me like that I shall cry Don ’t you see
that Pm trying to keep my self-controP
Fenwick This is dreadful This is even more painful than
I anticipated

Pearl You see, strength is easy to you Pm weak That’s
why I put myself in your hands I felt your power
instinctively

Fenwick I know, I know, and it was because I felt you
needed me that I loved you I wanted to shelter you
from the storms and buffets of the world
Pearl Why didn’t you save me from myself, Arthur^
Fenwick When I look at your poor, pale little face I
wonder what you’ll do without me, girlie
Pearl [Her voice breaking ] It’ll be very hard I’ve grown so
used to depending on you Whenever anything has
gone wrong, I’ve come to you and you’ve put it right I
was beginning to think there was nothing you couldn’t
do

Fenwick I’ve always welcomed obstacles I like something
to surmount It excites me

Pearl You seemed to take all my strength from me I felt
strangely weak beside you

Fenwick It wasn’t necessary that we should both be
strong I loved you because you were weak I liked you
to come to me in all your troubles It made me feel so
good to be able to put everything right for you
Pearl You’ve always been able to do the impossible
Fenwick [Impressively] I have never found anything
impossible

Pearl [Deeply moved] Except to forgive
Fenwtck Ah, I see you know me I never forget I never
forgive

Pearl I suppose that’s why people feel there’s something
strangely Napoleonic about you

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

105

Fenwick Maybe And yet — though you’re only a woman,
you’ve broken me. Pearl, you’ve broken me

Pearl Oh no, don’t say that I couldn’t bear that I want
you to go on bemg strong and ruthless

Fenwick Something has gone out of my life for ever 1
almost think you’ve broken my heart I was so proud of
you I took so much pleasure in your success Why,
whenever I saw your name in the society columns of the
papers it used to give me a thnll of satisfaction What’s
going to become of you now, girlie^ What’s going to
become of you now ?

Pearl I don’t know, I don’t care

Fenwick This fellow, does he care for you? Will he make
you happy^

Pearl Tony^ He’s going to marry the Duchesse [Fen-
wick represses a start ] I shall never see him again

Fenwick Then if I leave you, you’ll have nobody but your
husband*

Pearl Nobody

Fenwick You’ll be terribly lonely, girlie

Pearl You will think of me sometimes, Arthur, won’t
you^

Fenwick I shall never forget you, girlie I shall never
forget how you used to leave your fine house in Mayfair
and come and lunch with me down town

Pearl You used to give me such delicious things to eat

Fenwick It was a treat to see you in your beautiful clothes
sharing a steak with me and a bottle of beer I can order
a steak. Pearl, can’t P

Pearl And d’you remember those delicious little onions
that we used to have^ [She seems to taste them ] M
M M It makes my mouth water to think of
them

io6

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

Fenwick There are few women who enjoy food as much as
you do. Pearl

Pearl D’you know, nest time vou dined with me, I’d made
up my mind to give you an entirely English dinner
Scotch broth, herrings, mixed grill, saddle of lamb, and
then enormous marrow bones

[Fenwick can hardly hear the thought , hts face grows red,
hts eyes bulge , and he gasps

Fenwick Oh, girlie! [With utter abandonment ] Let’s have
that dinner [He seizes her in his arms and kisses her ] I
can’t leave you You need me too much

Pearl Arthur, Arthur, can you forgive me?

Fenwick To err is human, to forgive divine

Pearl Oh, how like you that is!

Fenwick If you must deceive me, don’t let me ever find
out I love you too much

Pearl I won’t, Arthur, I promise you I won’t

Fenwick Come and sit on the sofa and let me look at you
I seem to see you for the first time

Pearl You know, you wouldn’t have liked the walk to the
station It’s four miles m the sun You’re a vain old
thing, and your boots are always a little too small for
you

[Bessie corns m She stops as she sees Pearl and
Fenwick sitting hand in hand

Pearl Are you going out, Bessie^

Bessie As soon as Harry has finished his letters, we’re
going for a walk

Pearl [To Fenwick ] You mustn’t squeeze my hand in
Bessie’s presence, Arthur

Fenwick You’re a very lucky girl, Bessie, to have a sister
like Pearl She’s the most wonderful woman in the
world

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

107

Pearl You’re talking nonsense, Arthur Go and put some
flannels on It makes me quite hot to look at you m that
suit We’ll try and get up a little tennis after tea

Fenwick Now, you mustn’t tire yourself. Pearl Remember
those white cheeks of yours

Pearl [With a charming look at him ] Oh, I shall soon get
my colour back now

[She gives him her hand to kiss and be goes out Pearl
takes a little mirror out of her bag and looks at
herself reflectively

Pearl Men are very trivial, foolish creatures They have
kind hearts But their heads Oh dear, oh dear, it’s
lamentable And they’re so vain, poor dears, they’re
so vain

Bessie Pearl, to-morrow, when we go back to London,
I’m gomg away

Pearl Are you? Where^

Bessie The Princess is going to take me over to Pans for
a few days

Pearl Oh, is that alP Don’t stay away too long You
ought to be in London just at present

Bessie On my return I’m proposing to stay with the
Princess

Pearl [Calmly ] Nonsense

Bessie 1 wasn’t asking your permission, Pearl I was
telling you my plans

Pearl [Looks at her for a moment reflectively ] Are you gomg
to make me a scene, too? I’ve already gone through
two this afternoon I’m rather tired of them

Bessie Please don’t be alarmed I’ve got nothing more
to say

[She makes as though to leave the room

Pearl Don’t be a little fool, Bessie You’ve been staying
with me all the season I can’t allow you to leave my

house and go and live with Flora We don’t want to
go out of our way to make people gossip
Bessie Please don’t argue with me, Pearl It’s not my
busmess to reproach you for anything you do But it
isn’t my business, either, to stand by and watch
Pearl You’re no longer a child, Bessie

Bessie I’ve been blind and foolish Because I was happy
and having a good time, I never stopped to ask for
explanations of this, that and the other I never thought
The life was so gay and brilliant — it never struck

me that underneath it all Oh, Pearl, don’t make me

say what I have in my heart, but let me go quietly

Pearl Bessie, dear, you must be reasonable Think what
people would say if you suddenly left my house They’d
ask all sorts of questions, and heaven knows what
explanations they’d invent People aren’t charitable, you
know I don’t want to be hard on you, but I can’t afford
to let you do a thing like that
Bessie Now that I know what I do, I should never respect
myself again if I stayed

Pearl I don’t know how you can be so unkind
Bessie I don’t want to be that, Pearl But it’s stronger
than I am I must go

Pearl [With emotion ] I’m so fond of you, Bessie You
don’t know how much I want you with me After all.
I’ve seen so little of you these last few years It’s been
such a comfort to me to have you You were so pretty
and young and sweet, it was like a ray of April sunshine
in the house

Bessie I’m afraid you think women are as trivial, foolish
creatures as men. Pearl

[Pearl looks up and sees that Bessie is not tn the least
taken tn by the pathetic attitude
Pearl [Icily ] Take care you don’t go too far, Bessie,

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

I09

Bessie There’s no need for us to quarrel I’ve made up
my mind, and there’s the end of it

Pearl Flora’s a fool I shall tell her that I won’t have her
take you away from me You’ll stay with me until
vou’re marned

Bessie D’you want me to tell you that I can hardly bear
to speak to you^ You fill me with shame and disgust
I want never to see you again

Pearl Really, you drive me beyond endurance I think I
must be the most patient woman in the world to put
up with all I’ve had to put up with to-day After all,
what have I done^ I was a little silly and incautious By
the fuss you all make one would think no one had ever
been incautious and silly before Besides, it hasn’t got
anything to do with you Why don’t you mind your
own business^

Bessie [B itterly] You talk as though your relations witn
Arthur Fenwick were perfectly natural.

Pearl Good heavens, you’re not going to pretend you
didn’t know about Arthur After all, I’m no worse than
anybody else Why, one of the reasons we Americans
like London is that we can live our own lives and people
accept things philosophically Eleo Gloster, Sadie
Twickenham, Maimie Hartlepool — you don’t imagine
they’re faithful to their husbands^ They didn’t marry
them for that

Bessie Oh, Pearl, how can you ? How can you^ Haven’t
you any sense of decency at alP When I came in just
now and saw you sitting on the sofa with that gross,
vulgar, sensual old man — oh! j [She makes a gesture Oj
disgust] You can’t love him I could have understood
if . but — oh. It’s so disgraceful, it’s so hideous
What can you see in hinP He’s nothing but nch
[She pauses, and her face changes as a thought comes to her ,
and commghorrifies her ] It’s not because he’s nch? Pearl! OhI

B

no

OU R BETTERS

ACT III

Pearl Really, Bessie, you’re very silly, and I’m tired of
talking to you

Bessie Pearl, it’s not that* Answer me Answer me

Pearl [Roughly ] Mind your own business

Bessie He was right, then, last night, when he called you
that He was so right that you didn’t even notice it
A few hours later you’re sitting hand in hand with him
A slut That’s what he called you A slut A slut

Pearl How dare you! Hold your tongue How dare you!

Bessie A kept woman That’s what you are

Pearl [Recovering herself ] I’m a fool to lose my temper
with you

Bessie Why should you^ I’m saying nothing but the
truth

Pearl You’re a silly little person, Bessie If Arthur helps
me a little, that’s his affair, and mine He’s got more
money than he knows what to do with, and it amuses
him to see me spend it I could have twenty thousand
a year from him if I chose

Bessie Haven’t you got money of your own?

Pearl You know exactly what I’ve got Eight thousand
a year D’you think I could have got the position I
have on that^ You’re not under the impression all the
world comes to my house because of my charm, are
yom> I’m not You don’t think the English want us
here? You don’t think they like us marrying their men^
Good heavens, when you’ve known England as long as I
have you’ll reali s e that in their hearts they still look
upon us as savages and Red Indians We have to force
ourselves upon them They come to me because I amuse
them Very early in my career I discovered that the
English can never resist getting something for nothing
If a dancer is the rage, they’ll see her at my house If
a fiddler is in vogue, they’ll hear him at my concert*

ACT m OUR BETTERS III

I give them balls I give them dinners I’ve made myseli
the fashion. I’ve got power, I’ve got influence But
everything I’ve got — my success, my reputation, my
notoriety — I’ve bought it, bought it, bought it
Bessie How humiliating*

Pearl And, finally, I’ve bought you a husband
Bessie That’s not true He loves me
Pearl D’you think he’d have loved you if I hadn’t shown
you to him in these surroundings, if I hadn’t dazzled
him by the bnlhant people among whom he found you
You don’t know what love is made of D’you think it’s
nothing that he should hear a Prime Minister pay you
compliments Of course I bought him
Bessie [Aghast ] It’s horrible

Pearl You know the truth now It’ll be very useful to
you in your married life Run away and take your
little walk with Harry Bleane I’m going to arrange
my face

[She goes out Bessie is left ashamed and stunned
Bleane comes in

Bleane I’m afraid I’ve kept you waiting I’m so sorry
Bessie [Dully ] It doesn’t matter at all
Bleane Where shall we go ? You know the way about
these parts, and I don’t

Bessie Harry, I want you to release me I can’t marry you
Bleane [Aghast ] Why^

Bessie I want to go back to America I’m frightened*
Bleane Of me?

Bessie Oh no, I know that you’re a dear, good creature.
I’m frightened of what I may become
Bleane But I love you, Bessie

Bessie Then that’s all the more reason for me to go I
must tell you frankly I’m not m love with you, I only

1 12

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

like you I would never have dreamt of marrying you,
if you hadn’t been who you are I wanted to have a title
That’s why Pearl married her husband, and that’s why
the Duchess married Let me go, Harry

Bleane I knew you didn’t love me, out I thought you
might come to in time I thought if I tried I could make
you love me

Bessie You didn’t know that I was nothmg but a self-
seeking, heartless snob

B lean e I don’t care what you say of yourself, I know that
you can be nothing but what is true and charming

Bessie After what you’ve seen last night? After what
you know of this house 5 Aren’t you disgusted with
all of us 5

Bleane You can’t think I could class you with the Duchesse
and [He stops]

Bessie Pearl at my age was no different from what I am
It’s the life

Bleane But perhaps you won’t want to lead it The set
you’ve been living in here isn’t the only set in England
It makes a stir because it’s in the public eye Its doings
are announced in the papers But it isn’t a very good
set, and there are plenty of people who don’t very much
admire it

Bessie You must let me try and say what I have in my
heart And be patient with me You think I can make
myself at home in your life I’ve had a hint of it now
and then I’ve seen a glimpse of it through Pearl’s
laughter and the Duchesse’s sneers It’s a life of dignity,
of responsibilities, and of public duty

Bleane [With a rueful smile ] You make it very strenuous

Bessie It comes naturally to the English girls of your class
They’ve known it all their lives, and they’ve been brought
up to lead it But we haven’t To us it’s just tedious.

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

H3

and its dignity is irksome We’re bored, and we fall
back on the only thing that offers, pleasure You’ve
spoken to me about vour house It means everything
to you because it’s associated with your childhood and
all your people before you It could only mean some-
thing to me if I loved you And I don’t
Bleane You’ve made me so wretched I don’t know what
to say to you

Bessie If I make you wretched now, it’s so that we may
both be saved a great deal of unhappiness later on I’m
glad I don’t care for you, for it would make it so much
harder for me to go And I’ve got to go I can’t marry
vou I want to go home If I marry ever I want to
marry in my own country That is my place
Bleane Don’t you think you could wait a little before you
decide finally^

Bessie Don’t put difficulties in my way Don’t you see
that we’re not strong enough for the life over here^ It
goes to our head, we lose our bearings, we put away
our own code, and we can’t adopt the code of the
country we come to We drift There’s nothing for
us to do but amuse ourselves, and we fall to pieces
But in America we’re safe And perhaps America wants
us When we come over here we’re like soldiers desert-
ing our country in time of war Oh, I’m homesick for
America I didn’t know how much it meant to me till
now Let me go back, Harry
Bleane If you don’t want to marry me, of course. I’m not
going to try and make you
Bessie Don’t be angry, and be my friend always
Bleane Always

Bessie After all, three months ago you didn’t know me
In three months more you will have forgotten me Then
marry some English girl, who can hveg^our life and
share your thoughts And be happy.

1*4 OUR BETTERS ACT III

[Pearl comes m She has rouged her cheeks, and has
once more the healthy colour which ts usual With her
She ts evidently jubilant

Pearl The car has just come back from London [She
goes to the french window and calls ] Minnie!

Bessie I shall tell Pearl to-morrow

Bleane I won’t post my letters then I’ll go and get them
out of the bos

Bessie Forgive me

[He goes out The Duchesse and Clay appear at the
window

Duchesse Did you call me ?

Pearl The car has just come back from London, so it can
take you to the station

Duchesse That’s a mercy I didn’t at all like the idea of
going to the station in the luggage cart Where is Flora?
I must say good-bye to her

Pearl Oh, there’s plenty of time now The car will run
you down in ten minutes

[Tony comes in, then the Princess and Fleming

Duchesse Tony, the car has returned, and is going to take
us to the station

Tony Thank God for that! I should have looked a perfect
fool in that luggage cart

Clay But what on earth did you send the car to London
for, anyway?

Pearl In one minute you’ll see

[Arthur Fenwick comes m He has changed into
flannels

Fenwick Who 1$ that gentleman that’s just arrived. Pearl?

Pearl The man ot mystery

[The Butler comes in, followed by Ernest, ana after
announcing him goes out

ACT III

OUR BETTERS

1*5

Pole Mr Ernest

Duchesse Ernest!

Clay Ernest^

[He zs a little dark man > with large eyes , and long hatr
neatly plastered donn He zs dressed hke a tailor's
dummy , zn black coat> white gloves , silk hat ,
patent leather boots He zs a dancing master , and
overwhelmingly gentlemanly He speaks zn mincing
tones

Ernest Dear Lady Grayston

Pearl [Shaking hands with him ] I’m so glad you were able
to come [To the others ] You were talking about Ernest
last night, and I thought we would have nothing to do
this evening and he would cheer and comfort us I sent
the car up to London with orders to bring him back
dead or alive

Ernest My dear Lady Grayston, I’m sure I’ll get into no
end of trouble I had all sorts of calls to pay this after-
noon, and I was dining out, and I’d promised to go to
a little hop that the dear Duchess of Gloster was giving
But I felt I couldn’t refus eyou You’ve always been such
a good friend to me, dear Lady Grayston You must
excuse me coming in my town clothes, but your
chauffeur said there wasn’t a moment to lose, so I came
just as I am

Pe\rl But you look a perfect picture

Ernest Oh, don’t say that, dear Lady Grayston, I know this
isn’t the sort of thing one ought to wear in the country

Pearl You remember the Duchesse de Surennes^

Ernest Oh, of course I remember the Duchesse

Duchesse Dear Ernest!

Ernest Dear Duchesse!

Duchesse I thought I was never going to see you again,
Ernest

OUR BETTERS

act in

Il6

Ernest Oh, don’t say that, it sounds too sad*

Pearl It’s such a pity you must go, Minnie Ernest could
have shown you all sorts of new steps

Ernest Oh, dear Duchesse, you’re not going the very
moment I come dowxP That is unkind of you

Duchesse [With an effort ] I must go I must go

Ernest Have you been practising that little step I showed
you the other day^ My dear friend, the Marchioness of
Twickenham — not the old one, you know, the new one —
is beginning to do it so well

Duchesse [Struggling with herself \ Have we time, PearP I
should like Ernest to dance just one two-step with me

Pearl Of course there’s time Thornton, set the gramo-
phone

[Thornton Clay at once starts it, and the notes oj
the two-step tinkle out

Duchesse You don’t mind, Ernest, do you^

Ernest I love dancing with you, Duchesse

[They take up their positions

Duchesse Just one moment It always makes me so nervous
to dance with you, Ernest

Ernest Oh, now, don’t be silly, dear Duchesse

[They begin to dance

Ernest Now hold your shoulders like a lady Arch your
back, my dear, arch your back Don’t look like a sack
of potatoes If you put your foot there, I shall kick it

Duchesse Oh, Ernest, don’t be cross with me

Ernest I shall be cross with you, Duchesse You don’t
pay any attention to what I say You must give your
mind to it

Duchesse I do! I do!

ACT m OtR BETTERS 117

Ernest And don’t dance like an old fish-wife Put some
vim into it That’s what I always say about these modern
dances you want two things, vim and nous

Duchesse [Plaintively ] ErnestI

Ernest Now don’t cry Pm saying all this for your good,
you know What’s wrong with you is that you’ve got
no passion

Duchesse Oh, Ernest, how can you say such a thing I’ve
always looked upon myself as a very passionate woman*

Ernest I don’t know anything about that, dear Duchesse,
but you don’t get it into your dancing That’s what
I said the other day to the dear Marchioness of Twicken-
ham — not the new one, you know, the old one — You
must put passion into it, I said That’s what these
modern dances want — passion, passion

Duchesse I see exactly what you mean, Ernest.

Ernest And you must dance with your ej es as well, you
know You must look as if you had a knife in your
garter, and as if you’d kill me if I looked at another
woman Don’t you see how I’m looking. I’m looking
as though I meant. Curse herl how I love her Therel
[The music stops and they separate

Duchesse I have improved, Ernest, haven’t P

Ernest Yes, you’ve improved, dear Duchesse, but you
want more practice

Pearl Minnie, why on earth don’t you stay, and Ernest
will give you a real lesson this evening

Ernest That’s what you want. Duchess

[The Duchesse wrestles with her soul

Duchesse Tony, d’you think we can stop?

Tony I didn’t want to go away It’s rotten going up to
town this evening What on earth are we going to do
with ourselves when we get there^

OUR BETTERS

ACT III

Il8

Duchesse Very well, Pearl, if it’ll please you, we’ll stop
Pearl That is nice of you, Minnie
Duchesse You’re very naughty sometimes. Pearl, but you
have a good heart, and I can’t help being fond of you
Pearl [With outstretched arms ] Minnie!

Duchesse Pearl*

[They clasp one another and affectionately embrace
Ernest What an exquisite spectacle — two ladies of title
kissing one another

Bessie [To Fleming] They’re not worth making a fuss
about I’m sailing for America next Saturday!

The End

THE UNATTAINABLE

A FARCE
to Tires Acts

CHARACTERS

Caroline Ashley
Isabella Trench
Maude Fulton
Cooper

Robert Oldham
Rex Cunningham
Dr Cornish

The action takes place during the morning and after-
noon of one day in the drawing-room of Caroline's house m
Regent's Park.

THE UNATTAINABLE

THE FIRST ACT

Scene The drawing-room ^Caroline’s house tn Regent 9 s Park
It is spacious and airy It is furnished tn a pleasantly fantastic
manner by a woman who desires to be tn the latest mode 9 but
who tempers it with her own good taste The influence of
futurism is apparent tn the carpet \ the cushions , the coverings
of sofas and chairs, but there is nothing so outrageous as to
make the room merely a curiosity Here and there large jars
of flowers contrast the sobriety of nature with the extravagance
of human imagination

It is early summer and late tn the morning

Cooper, a trim parlourmaid , ushers in Mrs Trench
Isabella Trench is a woman of thirty-five , fair , plump ,
pretty still \ well dressed and debonair She has an attractive
softness and a great gift of sympathy Her heart melts to
every unhappmess 9 and people tn distress go to her in-
stinctively

Cooper I’ll tell Mrs Ashley you’re here, madam.

Isabella She’s not down yet^

Cooper* No, madam, she’s only just had her bath

Isabella Do ask her i£ I can come up I want to see her
at once

Cooper Very good, madam

Isabella. Tell her I’m frightfully excited.

Cooper. Very good, madam.

Isabella [With a smile ] Of course you know. Cooper^

Cooper Oh, yes, madam, it was cook saw it first She

x*3

124

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT I

always likes to have a look at The Times before it goes
upstairs

Isabella Was Mrs Ashlev surprised
Cooper Well, madam, she never said a word She just kept
staring at the announcement As I said to cook, I really
thought her eyes would pop out of her head
Isabella I must see her at once, Cooper
Cooper 111 go and tell her, madam [As she is going the
telephone bell rings Cooper answers it ] Yes — who is it,
please 5 No, miss, this is Mrs Ashley’s maid speaking
[To Isabella ] It’s Miss Fulton, madam
Isabella Oh, let me speak to her I think I know what she
wants Go and tell Mrs Ashley I’m here.

Cooper Very good, madam

[Exit Isabella sits down and takes the receiver
Isabella Maude, Maude! It’s Isabella Trench speaking I
rang you up this morning, and they said you hadn’t
come up from the country I have not seen Caroline yet
I know no more than you do, darling I think it must be
true. After all, it’s in The Times Why don’t you come
round? I’m sure Caroline will want to see you Yes,
that’s it You’ll find me here Good-bye

[She puts down the receiver Cooper ushers m Rex
Cunningham He is a nice-looking young man with
dark eyes , and dark hair brushed back over his head
and plastered down He achieves a romantic look y
notwithstanding bis motor-coat and the cap that be
carries m his hand
Cooper Mr Cunningham

[Rex hesitates a moment as he sees a stranger in the
room , then recognises Isabella and comes forward
cordially Isabella greets him without warmth
Rex How do you do 5

Cooper Mrs Ashley will be down directly, marfam .

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE 1*5

Isabella Very well

[Extt Cooper

Rex [Lookmg at his wrist watch ] She promised she’d be
ready on the minute
Isabella What for?

Rex I’ve got a new two-seater I’m going to take her for
a turn round Richmond Park
Isabella When did you make that arrangement?

Rex Last night

[She looks at him for a moment pulled
Isabella Haven’t you heard the news?

Rex What news?

Isabella Why, there’s an announcement in The Times this
morning of Stephen Ashley’s death
Rex My hatl Ought one to condole with Caroline or
congratulate her?

Isabella I didn’t know you called her Caroline
Rex Didn’t you?

Isabella She hasn’t seen her husband for over ten years
One can hardly expect her to be very much upset Still,
I don’t think she’ll want to go for a run in your two-
seater

Rex Why not?

Isabella She’ll have other things to do
Rex Was her husband an awful brute?

Isabella I don’t know anything about him Caroline never
discusses her relations with him I don’t believe there’s
one of her friends who’s ever seen him even,

Rex I asked her once if he was cruel to her She said no,
he had adenoids

Isabella You seem to be on very intimate terms with
Caroline

Rex Do you disapprove?

126 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT I

Isabella Very much

Rex What shall we do about it ?

Isabella D’you know that Robert Oldham and Caroline
have been madly in love with one another for the last
ten years^ It has given me a new faith m human nature to
watch their charming affection for one another They’ve
waited all this time, and now at last Caroline is free
I’m so glad to think they have nothing to reproach
themselves with It’s the happy ending to a fairy story

Rex [Dejectedly ] 1 suppose you think the only thing I can
do is to take myself off
Isabella Robert may be here any minute
Rex I was looking forward enormously to our drive
Isabella Are you in love with Caroline^

Rex Desperately

Isabella [Putting her hand on hts arm ] I’m so sorry You
must try and get over it
Rex I shall never do that
Isabella But you knew about Robert

Rex He’s forty-five if he’s a day No man can be seriously
in love at that age

Isabella Caroline oughtn’t to have let you come here
She must have known that you cared for her

Rex She told me she was in love with Robert Oldham*

Isabella [More and more sympathetic ] Are you awfully
unhappy^

Rex Awfully Do you think there’s no chance for me
at alP

Isabella It arould be cruel to hold out any hopes to you
None— none whatever

Rex [Sombrely ] My hati
Isabella Now you must go

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE IZJ

Rex All right If you think I’d better You’ve been awfully
kind to me

Isabella I’ve got such a soft heart and you’ve touched it
Rex May I call you Isabella^

Isabella I’d like you to

[She gives him her hand He raises it to his hp± and
kisses it

Isabella I’m such a sentimentalist Love always moves
me

Rex Good-bye

[Exit Isabella wipes the tiny tears that glisten in the
corner of her eyes Caroline comes m She is a very
attractive woman of thirty-five , tally slim , with
humorous eyes and a charming smile She is dressed
for motoring
Isabella Carolmel
Caroline Have i kept you waiting^

Isabella Why didn’t you let me come up p I wanted to see
you so badly

Caroline I don’t let even my dearest friend see me till
I’ve done my hair

Isabella I suppose you don’t like your forehead^
Caroline Not much By the way, where is Rex^ I saw
his car from my window

Isabella I thought you wouldn’t want to see him this
morning I sent him away
Caroline Why on earth did you do that?

Isabella My dear, do you know he’s in love with you^
Caroline I should be a perfect fool if I didn’t
Isabella He hasn’t told you so^

Caroline I’m beginning to think it’s his only topic of
conversation.

Isabella My dear, how can you be so flippant^

128 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT I

Cafoline D’you think I ought to take him seriously^

Isabella [Not without acidity ] Of course, he’s very young,
I don’t suppose he means half he says

Caroline [Chaffing her ] Even if he means a quarter it’s a
good deal

Isabella D’you think he wants to marry you^

Caroline I don’t know I’m sure he wants to elope with
me

Isabella You’re too exasperating, Caroline But I didn’t
come here to talk about Rex

Caroline D’you call him Rex ?

Isabella He asked me to just now.

Caroline [Smiling ] Oh!

Isabella Now, Caroline, be serious Is it true ? When I
read the births, deaths, and marriages in The Times this
morning, and suddenly saw your name, I could hardly
believe my eyes

Caroline Neither could I “On the 29th ult , at the
Edward and Alexandra Hospital, Nairobi, Stephen, only
son of the late Algernon Ashley of Bleane Woods,
Faversham, aged 41 By Cable ”

Isabella It must be true

Caroline Of course, it’s very circumstantial, but Stephen
had a peculiar sense of humour He’s been reported dead
two or three times It’s true, it’s never got so far as
the obituary column of The Times before

Isabella Can’t you make certain?

Caroline I telephoned to my solicitors and they’ve cabled
to Nairobi Somehow I think it is true this time

Isabella Shall you go into mourning?

Caroline I don’t see why I should

Isabella I wouldn’t unless you think it’ll become you

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE 129

Caroline After all, I haven’t seen or heard of my husband
for more than ten years It would be hypocrisy to
pretend that I regret his death

Isabella I never knew exactly why you separated from
him

Caroline Oh, he had adenoids

Isabella \Smihng ] You are the most reserved person I
ever met

Caroline I managed not to discuss his failings while he
was alive I think I may just as well hold my tongue
about them now he’s dead

Isabella Ah, well, whatever you suffered it’s all over now
You’ve only got happiness to look forward to Oh, my
dear, marry Robert quickly Don’t let there be any
delays Heaven knows you’ve waited long enough

Caroline Ten years

Isabella Aren’t you glad now that you have nothing to
reproach yourselves withP I know, I’m very glad for
you

Caroline There was never any possibility of anything else
Of course, we might have bolted, but Robert has prac-
tised too long in the Divorce Court to fancy the role of
co-respondent Besides, he had nothing but his practice
to live upon And we were too fond of one another to
ask the infinite tediousness of an affair

Isabella Everyone must admire your strength

Caroline It didn’t require strength, only common sense

Isabella Have you heard from him this morning^

Caroline No, I knew he had to be in chambers early.

Isabella He’s certain to come round presently

Caroline I shouldn’t think so He’s in a case that’s first
on the list

ACT I

I30 THE UNATTAINABLE

Isabella Aren't you excitecP I wonder how you can bear
} our impatience

Caroline I can hardly expect Robert to throw up a case
to come and propose to me, can P

[Cooper enters to announce Maude Fulton She is a
smartly-dressed spinster not far off forty , with bright
eyes and a vivacious manner She has a sharp tongue
She is sentimental when other people are concerned , but
exceedingly practical m her own affairs

Cooper Miss Fulton

[Exit

Maude Oh, my dear, I’ve had a success I’ve been followed
in the street

Caroline [. Amused , greeting her ] Maudel

Maude I was rushing along here, when suddenly I realized
that a man was following me Well, I wanted to make
sure, so I crossed to the other side of the street, and he
crossed too I slackened down I was simply
running along, I was so anxious to see you and dear
Robert — and he slackened down

Isabella Weren’t you frightened^

Maude Frightened? Of course not I’m constantly being
followed in the street I like it It gives an amusement
to the dullest walk Of course, it never goes any
further

Caroline Do you say that with relief or with regreP

Maude Oh, my dear, I should never have a moment to
myself if I listened to all the men who want to make love
to me Of course, I cannot make out what it is they see
in me I know I’m not beautiful, but there’s evidently
something about me that they can’t resist

Caroline [Chaffing her ] I expect it is that you throw your-
self at their heads I never knew a man yet who could
resist that

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE 131

Maude Oh, my dear, I quite forgot My best con-
gratulations

Caroline On the death of my husband?

Maude And on your engagement to Robert Oldham

Caroline It’s very kind of you, but I’m not engaged to
Robert Oldham

Maude Oh, nonsense, that follows automatically on the
death of your husband, like putting a penny in the slot
and getting a piece of chocolate out I suppose he’s
running along to Somerset House now to get a special
licence

Caroline My dear, don’t be ridiculous He hasn’t asked me
to marry him

Isabella But he’s going to

Caroline [Thoughtfully ] I suppose he is

Maude What on earth d’you mean, Caroline^ You know
he is

Caroline [With exasperation] Yes, of course I do But
don’t badger me You talk as if we had to marry if
we liked it or not I’m not going to force the man to
marry me

Maude Oh, my dear, don’t talk such nonsense He’s been
passionately in love with you for years

Caroline Foryearsl

Isabella And you’ve been just as much in love with him,
Caroline

Caroline I know I have

Maude You’ve both been looking forward to this moment
even since you met one another^

Caroline And now it’s come

Isabella What a funny thing to say, Caroline

Caroline It’s the obvious thing to say, isn’t it P I’m getting
into training for marned life

ACT I

I32 THE UNATTAINABLE

Isabella How strange you are this morning I expected to
find you, oh, I scarcely know — tremulous, crying a
little, perhaps

Caroline [With a smile ] I suppose you were prepared to
mingle your tears with mine

Isabella Happy tears I certainly didn’t expect to find
you

Caroline What?

Maude In a beastly temper, my dear

Isabella Be nice to Robert when he comes, Caroline
Think how he must be hating that stupid case which
is keeping him away Don’t you know what his thoughts
are? I do He’s counting the minutes — why, I can
almost hear the beating of his heart

Caroline What nonsense you talk, Isabella

Isabella Can’t you see him, when he gets here at last,
ringing the bell? And the time seems mterminable
till Cooper opens the door And then he’ll run up the
stairs four at a time

Caroline It’s just like a penny novelette, isn’t it? But he
won’t, because it would make him out of breath

Isabella As if he’ll think of that, you foolish creature
He’ll just take you in his arms and say At last, at last —
I see it all

Maude I’d love to be here I adore romance

Caroline I shall be greatly obliged if you’ll both of you
go away before he comes

Isabella Of course, darling There are moments when one
has a right to be rid of prying eyes

Maude When did he say he was coming?

Caroline He hasn't said I’ve not heard from him this
morning

Maude D’you mean to say he didn’t telephone? I wonder
why not

*CT I THE UNATTAINABLE 1 33

Caroline Perhaps he hadn’t time to look at the paper H*
may not know

Maude Oh, nonsense

Isabella I think it’s very natural he shouldn’t have tele-
phoned After all, Stephen Ashley was your husband
Robert is a man of the greatest delicacy It may easily
have occured to him that just at that moment you might
have certain memories that you preferred to be left
alone with

Caroline How long do you give his delicacy?

Maude Till the court rises, personally

Isabella [Smiling] I believe you’re just as impatient as I
know he is

Caroline My dear, when you’ve been staying at the seaside,
haven’t you sometimes gone down to the beach meaning
to have a bathe, and when you got there found the sea
look very chilly^ You try not to notice it You go into
your bathing machine, and it’s grey and comfortless
But you take off your clothes and put on your bathing
dress, and then you open the door You see in front of
you a narrow bit of sea And it’s cold and yellow and
dreary and wet And your heart sinks

Maude The only thing then is not to think about it, but
to jump in quickly

Caroline I’m wondering if that is what Robert is saying
to himself just now

Isabella What on earth makes you think that ?

Caroline It’s a very good plan to ascribe your own
feelings to other people

Maude My dear, you don’t mean to say you’re frightened?

Caroline [Desperately ] Panic-stricken

Isabella How foolish you are, Caroline! You don’t mean
to say you have any doubt about Robert’s devotion?

I$4 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT I

Macjde Oh, is that what’s troubling you^

Isabella Why, everyone knows he adores you Don’t you
know how he speaks about you to your friends^ I
remember, last New Year’s Eve when we were having
supper together at the Savoy, I said to him Doesn’t it
make you rather melancholy to think that another year
is gone^ No, he said, every New Year that comes brings
me nearer to marrying Caroline

Caroline He’s a dear old thing Of course, I know he
loves me

Maude We have inspired love, you and I, Caroline

Caroline But your adorers don’t put a pistol to your head
and say Marry me

Maude No, but they frequently put one to their own and
say they’ll shoot themselves if I don’t

Caroline You’re still a spinster, Maude, how do you meet
the situation^

Maude I tell them the truth After mature consideration
I have come to the conclusion that one husband is not
enough for one woman

Caroline Good heavens, I found one much more than I
wanted

Maude That doesn’t prove that you might not have found
three more satisfactory

Isabella Three!

Maude That is my ideal I would live two days a week
with each and have my Sundays to myself

[The telephone hell rings

Isabella That is Robert

Caroline It can’t be He must be in court just now

[She goes towards the telephone It keeps on ringing

Isabella I have a presentiment I’m convinced it’s Robert
[Just as Caroline is about to fake the receiver she
hesitates , she is very nervous

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE IJJ

Caroline Answer for me, Maude, in case • , ,

Maude Very well

[She takes up the receiver and listens

Caroline I hate telephones I wish I’d never had one put m

Maude Who is that^ No This is Miss Fulton speaking,
but I’ll call Mrs Ashley — yes. I’ll hold on.

Caroline Maude, who is iF>

Maude [Significantly ] Mr Oldham’s clerk

Caroline [Agitated ] Maude, say I can’t speak to anybody
Say I’m out Say you don’t know when I’ll be in

Maude [Into the receiver ] Is that you, Robert^ This is Maud
Fulton Caroline is here Yes, she’ll be delighted to
see you

Caroline Maude, I’m out I’m out, I tell you Say you’ve
made a mistake Maude, you catl

Maude [Taking no notice ] Yes, you’d better come round
at once Of course Caroline’s disengaged, she’s been
expecting you

Caroline [Aghast ] Maude!

Maude Good-bye [She puts down the receiver ] That settles
that

Caroline Maude, I’ll never forgive you It’s monstrous
You had no right to say all that I’ll never speak to
you again as long as I live You said I’d been expecting
him

Maude Well, haven’t you ? And what’s more, he knows
you’ve been expecting him After all these years it really
is not worth while for you to play hide-and-seek with
one another

Caroline It’s so humiliating You’ve told him almost in
so many words that I’m sitting here waiting for him to
come and make me a proposal of marriage.

Maude So you are

ACT I

136 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline Has the possibility occurred to you that I may
refuse him?

Maude {Decidedly ] No
Caroline Why not^

Maude You’ve let him wait for you year after year He’s
given you the best of his life He’s sacrificed everything
in the hope of marrying you some day Now you must
marry him if you want to or not
Isabella But you do want to, Caroline^

Caroline [. Hesitatingly ] I thought so yesterday
Isabella You know he dotes on you You’ll never find
anyone who will love you so faithfully
Caroline It’s loving that’s the important thing, not being
loved

Maude But you love him, Caroline Don’t be so silly
All your friends have known for ten years that you
loved him You’re not like me You’re one of those
constant women You’ve never bothered your head
about another man since first you made Robert’s
acquaintance

Isabella Your feelings can’t have changed from one day
to another

Caroline I suppose they can’t
Isabella You must accept him, Caroline
Caroline Yes, I know [With a smile ] Don’t be afraid
I’m going to But don’t be harsh with me It can’t
be very strange that I’m a little nervous In fact, I
distinctly feel my heart Jpeatmg in my boots
Isabella Never mind that The shyness you’re feeling gives
you a sort of tremulous charm which, I promise you, is
very effective

Caroline I must go and put on some other things* It’s
only fair to Robert to set out the object he’s going to
purchase to the best advantage

ACT I

THE UNATTAINABLE

*37

Isabella No matter what you wear he’ll think you
ravishing

Caroline Dear Robert I know But for all that I will
not be proposed to in a motor-coat
Isabella You’re going to make him very happy
Caroline I think I am I was very foolish just now I’m
beginning to feel more at ease After all, it is a great
pleasure to know that after all his kindness to me, all
his unselfish devotion, I have it in my power at last to
give him his heart’s desire

[Ext*

Maude That’s that
Isabella Poor Caroline!

Maude Now, will you tell me what is the matter with her
Isabella [With a shrug of shoulders ] Hope deferred \\ hen
you’ve wanted something very badly and it comes at
last, it is somehow a little frightening
Maude You’re sure there isn’t another man somewhere
lurking in the background 1

Isabella Oh, quite Rex Cunningham was here this
motmng, but she didn’t see him I sent him away

Maude Very wise of you

Isabella I felt sorry for him He’s desperately m love with
her But I’m sure she isn’t even interested in him. She’s
only known him thiee months

Maude A man you’ve known three months always has an
advantage over a man you’ve known ten years

Isabella Now I know why you never married, Maude
Maude Why ?

Isabella Because nobody asked you
Maude How did you guess 1 *

Isabella Because you have common sense Men like it in
a wife, but not in a girl

ACT I

138 THE UNATTAINABLE

Maude I’m very glad you sent Rex away When next he
comes he’ll find everything settled

[Enter Cooper, followed by Rex.

Cooper Mr Cunningham

[Exit Cooper The two ladies are taken aback by bis
unexpected appearance He is not a little surprised
to find Isabella still there

Rex Oh, I was expecting to find Caroline [Shaking hands
with Miss Fulton ] How do you do ?

Maude [Promptly ] She’ll be down in one moment You
must stay

Rex I was going to

Isabella I thought you were going for a drive?

Rex Alone^ I just tootled round the Park, and then I
made up my mind that I must see Caroline
Maude I quite understand It’s nice of you to want to be
the first

Rex [Not comprehending ] I beg your pardon?

Maude [Sweetly ] To congratulate her on her engagement
Rex [With consternation ] What 3

Maude You don’t mean to say you didn’t know? She’s
to be married to Robert Oldham almost directly I think
it’s so charming that these two dear people should come
together after all these years And you know, they’re
madly in love with one another
Rex But they weren’t engaged a quarter of an hour ago
Maude Oh, that’s nothing I’ve been frequently engaged
and broken it off again within twelve minutes
Rex Of course, that’s quite comprehensible
Maude Do you think so^ It isn’t true
Rex It might be Anyhow, I’m going to wait till I see
Caroline
Maude Why^

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE I39

Rex Because I’m going to propose to her, if you want to
know [To Isabella] I ought never to have let you
chivvy me away It’s impossible that she should marry
Robert Oldham It’ll break my heart If you have any
kindness you won’t try and prevent me from seeing her
I must see her

Maude Of course, you must see her You’ll hardly recog-
nize her She looks ten years younger She’s simply
radiant I’ve never seen anyone look so happy How she
adores that man! [Rex gives a gasp ] They’re going to be
married by special licence They’ve already made up
their minds to go to Vemce for their honeymoon
Robert had to go away for a few m i n utes, she could
hardly bear to let him out of her sight
Rex [Sinking down crushed ] My hat! I shall never get over
this

Isabella [Going up to him ] My poor boy! Rex! Rex!

Rex It’s just like my luck That’s the sort of thing that
always happens to me

Maude I never loved a young gazelle but it was sure to die
Isabella Maude! [To Rex compassionately ] It breaks my
heart to see you so wretched
Rex Nobody ever cares for me
Isabella Don’t say that It sounds so hopeless
Rex [Getting up ] I’d better go There’s nothing for me to
do here now

Isabella [Taking bis hand ] Where are you goi ag>

Rex I don’t know, I don’t care

Isabella I can’t bear to see you like this, . * Won't you
come and dine with me to-night^

Rex You’ll find me very dull.

Isabella Oh, no, I shan’t

Rex [Still holding her hand ] Very well. You are good to me
Isabella Good-bye

ACT I

140 THE UNATTAINABLE

Rex You have an extraordinary gift of sympathy There’s
something about the blueness of your eyes that seems
to console one
Isabella Dear Rex

[He goes out mth a bow to Maude
Maude Well, my dear, you’re wasting no time
Isabella [Indignantly ] Maude* The poor boy was abso-
lutely broken up It made my heart bleed I couldn’t let
him go without a word of comfort
Maude H’ml Why did you ask him to dinner?

Isabella I thought he’d like to talk to me about Caroline
I couldn’t bear to think of him passing the whole evening
by himself He would have been too wretched
Maude Oh, well, with a husband safely tucked away m
India you can afford to be a sympathetic friend
Isabella What things you said to him! It simply made
my hair stand on end

Maude Don’t you think it was much the best thing to do?
Caroline is in a funny mood There’s something
pathetic and rather charming about that young man I
don’t deny it for a minute I’ve got a heart just as much
as you have, my dear There’s no knowing what
Caroline might have done in a moment of emotion
It was much better to face him with the accomplished
fact

Isabella You’re a wonderful bar, Maude
Maude Don’t be idiotic, my dear To lie well is one of
the privileges of our sex I don’t lie any better than
you do Besides, were they lies? I was only anticipating
In half an hour all I said will be true
Isabella X don’t say you weren’t justified

Maude And what is half an hour? Just think how time
changes from one place to another Why, Caroline’s
engagement is already ancient history in Petrograd

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE 141

Isabella Yes, if you look at it like that it’s a white lie at
the utmost

Maude Oh, my dear, not even that Hardly more than
a fib

[Cooper comes in followed by Robert Oldham
Robert is a tall handsome man of five-andforty ,
well-preserved , but inclined to stoutness , be zs well
dressed , well cared for , and evidently desirous to hold
on to a semblance of youth
Cooper Mr Oldham

[Exit

Maude [Enthusiastically ] Robert*

Isabella [Sympathetically ] Dear Robert

[Robert is a little taken aback at the warmth of his
greenng i but he braces himself and advances into the
room

Robert You welcome me as though I’d had a narrow shave
of being run over by a motor-bus
Isabella We’re very glad to see you
Maude We’ve been waiting for you all the morning
Robert Oh! [With an effort at alacrity ] I wish I’d knovn
[Shakes hands with Maude ] How do you do?

Maude I must kiss you
Robert Must you?

Maude [Drawing back coyly ] Don’t you want me to?
Robert Of course I do I’d like it

[He offers her his cheek and she kisses him
Maude Now don’t pretend you’re as cool as a cucumber
Men are so silly They’re so afraid of their emotions
Of course, you’re all in a flutter Let me feel your pulse

Robert I shall not You’re very familiar with me, Maude,
I don’t like it
Maude Dear Robert

F

142 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT I

Robert [To Isabella, taking her hand ] And how are you,
dea lad} ^

[She leaves her hand tn his It must he a hahit of hers

Isabella [A little tremulously ] I hardly know what to say
to you Oh, Robert, Fm so happy in your happiness
Isn’t it wondejfuP After all these years — it’s so stupid
of me, I almost feel as if I could cry

Robert You have a wonderful heart, Isabella

Isabella You know I’m not clever I can’t express
myself, but believe me, I feel all that you could wish
me to feel

Robert You may kiss me if you wish to

Isabella [Laughing] I don’t

Robert A rebuff

Maude But how on earth have you managed to get here^

Robert By the drastic method of taking a taxi

Maude Don’t be exasperating We were under the im-
pression you had a case this morning

Robert Who is we^

Maude Caroline, Isabella, and myself

Robert I see No, a case which was expected to finish
yesterday has turned out rather a long one I dare say
we shan’t come on to-day at all

Maude [Promptly ] Then why didn’t you come earlier^

Robert It’s only midday I know that Caroline is not an
early riser

Maude You might have telephoned

Robert I had some papers to read Business before
pleasure, you know Have you been discussing
my silence^

Isabella [Smiling] I think I was right after all I put it
down to delicacy Any nice man would realize that just

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE *45

at that moment a woman must prefer to be alone with
her recollections

Maude Anyhow, the important thing is that \ ou’re here
now And if I know you at all you’ve got a ring in
your pocket

[Robert gives a slight start

Isabella Oh, Robert, do show it me 1 I’d lo\e to see it

Robert But I haven’t got a ring I went straight to cham-
bers this morning and then I came straight here It never
occurred to me

Maude You stupid man! Caroline vould have been so
pleased

Isabella And touched But never mind, when she sees
you she’ll think of nothing but that she’s free and } ou’re
here And for ever and ever you’ll be here Oh, Robert,
be kind to her! Remember all she’s gone through You
can never do too much for her

Robert I know

Maude Have you made up your mind where you’re going
to spend your honeymoon?

Robert My dear Maude, it’s only a couple of hours ago
that I saw the sad news of Stephen Ashley’s death

Maude Sad, do you call them?

Robert For him, I mean Of course, not for me I don’t
suppose there’s anybody who isn’t cared for by someone
or other. I expect somebody is regretting him

Maude I very much doubt it I think we may safely look
upon his death as a happy release

Robert Idon’t know why you say that You know nothing
about him except that he had adenoids.

Isabella It’s so 'pleniid of Caroline never to have said a
single word against him

Robert Oh, splendid But, after all, a man may have

144 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT I

adenoids and yet be possessed of all kinds of — admirable
qualities

Maude You’re not going to stand up for him If Caroline
refused to say anything against him, it’s certainly not
because there was nothing to say

Robert Of course not

Maude It almost sounded as if you were taking his part

Robert Good heavens, don’t be so literal I was making
a general observation That’s why conversation is im-
possible with women They will find a personal appli-
cation in a general statement Besides, a man with my
particular experience knows that a person may have all
manner of virtues and yet be insupportable to live with

Isabella Fortunately that isn’t the case with Caroline

Robert Oh, no, Caroline is wonderful Who should know
it better than P

Maude Personally, I recommend you to go to Venice

Robert [As though he were just on the verge of starting ] Now^

Maude For your honeymoon I mean

Robert Oh, I beg your pardon, I’d forgotten for the
moment Can you quite see us gushing up and down
the Grand CanaP I fancy we’ve known one another a
little too long for Venice

Maude Oh, but marriage makes such a difference You’ll
have to make one another’s acquaintance all over again

Robert [Not without anxiety ] D’you think it’ll change
Caroline much? I don’t know that I should wish that
exactly You see I’m used to this Caroline

Maude* She’ll be just the same, only more so

Robert That is reassuring, but rather vague My idea
would be rather to make a tour of the capitals of Europe

Maude But you’d spend all your time in railway stations

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE I45

Robert I know That is precisely where a man shows his
superiority to a woman She is flustered and nervous
She’s certain they’ll miss the train But he is calm He
sees to the luggage nonchalantly He has the tickets
safe. He keeps an eagle eye on the umbrellas This is a
man — every inch of h im, she says, I am but a poor weak
woman Believe me, those are very good lines on which
to start married life I think the capitals of Europe

Isabella Mv own impression is that Caroline will want to
go to some quiet little place by the seaside
Robert I don’t look my best in bathing costume
Isabella She’ll want to be alone with you surely
Robert I won’t bathe Nothing will induce me to bathe
I hate cold water I was only thinking this morning
how I hated the sea

Maude [Surprised ] This morning Why^

Robert I don’t know It just occurred to me Haven’t you
made up your mind sometimes in a weak moment tc
go and have a bathe? You go down to the beach and
the sea looks icy You try not to notice it You go into
your bathing machine, and it’s cold and smelly But
you take off your clothes and put on your bathing
costume, and then you open the door and you see m
front of you a narrow bit of sea And you wish you were
dead

[During this speech Maude and Isabella have first
pricked up their ears , then stared at him , and, finally,
they turn and look at one another with amazement
Caroline comes m She is now charmingly gowned
Robert How do you do?

Caroline How d’you do^

Maude You absurd things

Caroline. [Sharply ] Don’t be ridiculous, Maude.

Isabella We really ought to be going, dear

146 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT I

Caroline Oh, aren’t you going to stay to luncheon^

Isabella [Obviously inventing] I’m lunching out So are
you, Maude, aren’t you^

Maude Yes

Caroline Oh, well, it’s early yet Don’t go

Maude I’m so sorry, but I must go and be tried on It’s
such a bore

Isabella You might drop me, perhaps, I have an appoint-
ment with my dentist Good-bye, darling

Caroline Good-bye It’s been so nice to see you

[They kiss one another

Isabella Good-bye

Maude [To Robert ] Dear Robert, we leave her in your
care

Isabella Dear, dear Robert

[They go out

Robert That’s how elephants must behave when they’re
being tactful

Caroline How is it you’re here so early? I wasn’t ex-
pecting you till after the courts rose

Robert Oh I managed to get away Maude said
you were expecting me

Caroline Yes, I was expecting you to tea Don’t you
remember, you said yesterday you’d look in

Robert I suppose I couldn’t have a whisky and soda?

Caroline Yes, of course I’ll ring [She touches the bell ]

Robert I’ve got to be back in chambers by one

Caroline You must keep your eye on the time You
mustn’t be late

Robert [Making conversation ] What a nice woman Isabella
is Pity she doesn’t get on with her husband

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE I47

Caroline Oh, but she does, only she gets on better with
him when he’s in India and she’s in England They’re
devoted to one another from a distance

Robert There’s something curiously feminine and sympa-
thetic about her She’s not clever, but she’s extra-
ordinarily restful I can imagine a man being extremely
attached to Isabella

Caroline She’s still quite pretty

Robert But, of course, one doesn’t know what she’d be
like to live with always Tint’s so different, isn’t it>

Caroline {With conviction ] Oh, absolutely [Cooper corner
in ] Bring up the whisky and soda, Cooper, and a glass

Cooper Very good, madam.

[Exit Cooper

Robert It reminds me of the case I’m in just now Did
you ever meet the Petersens^ 5

Caroline I don’t think so

Robert Quite a nice woman She was a Mrs Macdougai
I’ve known Petersen for twenty years I’d never ha\e
thought him capable of things like that

Caroline What did he do^

Robert Oh, well, he’d been devoted to Mrs Macdougai
for years It was an old-standing affair Everybody
accepted it One always asked them to dinner together
At last they persuaded Macdougai to let himself be
divorced I’m acting for Mrs Petersen now

Caroline I must be very stupid, but where does Mrs
Petersen come^ You’ve not mentioned her before

Robert Mrs Petersen was Mrs. Macdougai, you see, they
got the divorce from Macdougai, then they married,
and now they’re divorcing

Caroline Oh, I see Of course Very natural How long
have they been married?

ACT I

148 THE UNATTAINABLE

Robert Eighteen months And now they can’t stand the
sight of one another She says he’s dull when he’s sober
and brutal when he’s drunk

Caroline Ah* And what does he say?

Robert He marvels at his self-control He can’t imagine
why he never killed her

[A short silence Cooper comes m with the whisky
She goes out Robert helps himself

Robert I did a very unprofessional thing I had a chat
with Petersen in the club the other night I told him
I couldn’t discuss the matter, but he insisted on telhng
me that he had no ill-feeling towards me because I was
appearing for his wife He said he only had himself
to blame

Caroline That was nice of him

Robert Oh, he didn’t mean it like that He meant he ought
to have known better than to marry her He said if a
woman couldn’t get on with one husband you might
bet your boots she wouldn’t get on with another
[There is a momentary silence ] Very nice whisky this is
of yours, Caroline

Caroline You ought to like it You chose it

[He takes out a cigarette and lights it elaborately, pre-
tending he is quite at ease

Robert So your husband has died at last, Caroline

Caroline Yes

Robert I suppose you don’t know what he died of?

Caroline No, I have no idea

Robert Fever, I suppose A man has to have a very fine
physique to stand those climates indefinitely-

Caroline Stephen had a very fine physique

Robera I suppose 11 was a great surprise to you when you
read the announcement in this morning’s Times?

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE I49

Caroline Yes, it was

Robert After all, death, even that of a person who was
indifferent to you, is always a shock

Caroline Yes, when a man is dead you seem only to
remember his good qualities

Robert It must be over ten years smce you’ve seen him
I remember, when first I met you, you’d only been
separated about three months You haven’t changed a
bit in these ten years, Caroline

Caroline I’m afraid that’s only your fancy You’ve seen
me almost every day smce then, and you naturally
wouldn’t notice any difference in me

Robert That’s true In a way it’s been a wonderful ten
years, Caroline We’ve found constant amusement in
one another’s society You’ve been a great help to me
You’ve seen me rise from a struggling junior to a pretty
good position I don’t see why I shouldn’t be a judge
before I die

Caroline We’ve had some very good times together,
haven’t we?

Robert Wonderful!

Caroline You’ve been a dear, Robert You’ve always been
so kind and patient

Robert It certainly hasn’t been hard to be either.

Caroline And you’ve got certain points that are strangely
endearing You never forget the little anniversaries that
men find a bore to remember, but that women think
so much of You never fail to send me a little present
on my birthday Why, you even remember the day we
first met and send me flowers Ten times you’ve done
that, Robert

Robert By George, if this had only happened ten years
ago What a difference if would have made to us We
should be quite an old married couple by now, Caroline.

no

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT I

Caroline Do you wish it had?

Robert What a question! Why, every day for ten years
I’ve read the obituary column of The Times for that
notice It added a savour to breakfast

Caroline And now at last it’s come

Robert I realize that I've lost for ever the little thrill of
excitement that I always had when I took up the paper
I’ve often wished that your name began with a V or
a W instead of an A, so that I might be able to prolong
the agony a little as I read deliberately down the column

Caroline There’s always something a little melancholy in
getting what one wants

Robert Do you know, Caroline, I’ve never even seen a
photograph of your husband

Caroline I’m afraid I haven’t one When we separated I
destroyed everything that could possibly remind me
of him

Robert I know I shall never even know what that man
looked like, and yet he has influenced my life more
than anyone else m the world What sort of a man was
he, Caroline?

Caroline An ordinary sort of man.

Robert It’s rather queer if you come to think of it If he
hadn’t lived I should have had an entirely different life,
if he’d died years ago I should be another man from
what I am now Just by existing, a thousand miles
away, obscurely, he’s made me what I am

Caroline Then we have at least something to be grateful
to him for

Robert Caroline, what a charming thing to say!

Caroline I never thought of it before, but I suppose I,
too, have been influenced by Stephen, even though I
never set eyes on him I shouldn’t be what I am either
but for him

ACT I THE UNATTAINABLE IJX

Robert Life is a strange business, Caroline*

Caroline Pm beginning to think so

| ‘ A short st knee

Robert Well, I expect you’ve got a lot of things to do I
mustn’t keep you

Caroline And you have an appointment, haven’t yoiP
You mustn’t be late for that

Robert Oh, I’ve got my eye on the time

Caroline Yes, I imagined you had

Robert I thought I’d like to have a little chat with you
at once

Caroline It was kind of you to come, it’s been pleasant
to see you

Robert I’ll look in again about tea-time, may P

Caroline Oh, yes, that’ll be nice I dare say I can get one
or two people so that we can have a rubber of bridge
before dinner

Robert That always rests me after I’ve been in court
Well, good-b} e, Caroline, God bless you

Caroline Good-bye I hope you win your case

Robert Thanks

[He goes to the door and opens it She steps towards the
hell to ring At the door he hesitates She looks at
him and pauses He half shuts the door and meditates
She withdraws her hand from the bell He opens the
door again , and she stretches out her band one more
He braces himself for the ordeal , shuts the door
quickly and comes back into the room She turns
away from the bell

Robert [With assumed cheer fair ess ] I was almost forgetting
the purpose of my visit

Caroline Ohl Didn’t jou come just to pass the time
of day?

ACT 1

1 52 THE UNATTAINABLE

Robert Well, not exactly, I think 111 just have a little
drop more whisky if you don’t mind I can’t imagine
why my throat is so dry this morning
Caroline I dare say there’s a touch of east m the wind
Robert [Pouring out the whisky ] Well, Caroline, what shall
we do about 1 t?

Caroline About what?

Robert [1 Very busy with the siphon ] When would you like
us to be married?

Caroline Well, I haven’t thought about the matter
Robert We arranged that we would be as soon as your
husband died
Caroline Yes, I know

Robert [With assumed facetiousness ] It only remains for you
to name the day

Caroline I’m not going to name one
Robert My dear Caroline, you must That is by old
established custom the privilege of your sex
Caroline What day would you suggest?

Robert Obstinate woman! I suppose you’ll want some
time to get a trousseau And then banns take three
weeks, don’t they? I couldn’t get away till the end of
term, anyhow What about the beginning of the Long
Vacation?

Caroline I’m not going to marry you, Robert
Robert Caroline!

Caroline I’ve thought it over very carefully and I’ve
completely made up my mind
Robert Do you mean to tell me that nothing I can say
will induce you to change it?

Caroline [With a twinkle m her eyes ] No
Robert This is an awful shock to me, Caroline This is
an awful blow I’ve been living in hopes of this moment

ACT I

THE UNATTAINABLE 155

for years, and now now . you could knock
me down with a feather

Caroline [With her tongue tn her cheek ] Fm soiry to cause
you pain, Robert, but, believe me, I am acting for
the best

Robert Do you mean to say that you absolutely .refuse to
marry me?

Caroline Absolutely

Robert [A little uneasily ] Caroline, has anything in my
behaviour led you to imagine that my heart wasn’t set
on marrying you^ Would your answer have been
different if I had expressed myself differently^ Women
are very strange Haven’t I been ardent enough^ You
must remember that Fm a shy man This is an occasion
when one may reasonably feel a certain embarrassment
Fm no longer in my first youth, Caroline I should have
felt ridiculous if I’d thrown myself on one knee and all
that sort of thing I have had no wide and varied
experience in making proposals of marriages

Caroline Really In that case I can only congratulate you
You made this one as though to the manner bom You
were as cool as though you were ordering a dozen
oysters and a pint of champagne

Robert I didn’t feel it, Caroline I was shaking in every
limb

Caroline After all, you came to the point at once I’ve
known men with whom it required months of patience
on the part of the object of their affections to bring
them to it

Robert Then I cannot understand why you refused me

Caroline My dear Robert, we’ve been very happy in one
another’s company for ten years We’ve been joined
together by a very charming sentiment Don’t you think
it would be a pity to expose it to the wear and tear of
domestic life*

ACT I

154 THE UNATTAINABLE

Robert You’re a wonderful woman, Caroline
Capoline Oh, it had occurred to you
Robert It hadn’t exactly occurred to me, but it had crossed
my mind After ail, one has to look at these things from
a rational point of view We’re very well as we are
Caroline It seems a pity to make a change
Robert Not a pity, Caroline, a risk
Caroline Then you agree that I was wise to refuse you^
Robert From your point of view, Caroline, I dare say
there’s a great deal to be said in favour of your decision
I, of course, could only have gained by the change
Caroline It’s nice of you to say so But are you sure that
you’re not a little relieved that I refused you^

Robert P My dear Caroline, can’t you see I’m over-
whelmed with disappointment^

Caroline It’s not visible to the naked eye, Robert
Robert You forget I have great power of self-control
Caroline I shouldn’t be hurt if you confessed that at the
bottom of your heart you were feeling as though you’d
deliberately put your head in a noose, and then by a
merciful interposition of Providence
Robert [Interrupting ] Caroline, I have been wanting to
marry you for years And now that the opportunity at
last occurs you refuse me Well, I accept your reasons
I bow to the inevitable I know you too well to try
to make you change your mind, but don’t think because
I take it like this that my heart isn’t
Caroline Seared

Robert Are you laughing at me, Caroline^

[He looks at her She begins to chuckle For a moment
be assumes a pose of indignation She tries to restrain
her laughter , but finds it impossible, he is gamed by
it, and begins to laugh also Then thej both roar mi
the tears run down their cheeks

ACT I

THE UNATTAINABLE

*55

Robert Caroline, you’re adorable

Caroline You humbug, Robert

Robert My dear, I had to do it And I’ve done it, mind
you. I’ve done it

Caroline Yes, you’ve done it And now we’ll forget all
about it

Robert You know, I was terrified, Caroline

Caroline Poor dear, I know Your heart was in your
boots, wasn’t it ?

Robert You don’t bear me a grudge^

Caroline Of course not

Robert You’re wonderful, Caroline Upon my soul, I
could almost marry you

Caroline Dearest, I could very nearly consent to be your
wife.

2ND OF THE FIRST ACT

THE SECOND ACT

The scene is the same

It ts a little after four o’clock in the afternoon of the same day

Caroline ts standing by the window looking out Cooper
comes in

Cooper Mrs Gilliatt has rung up to say she hopes you
haven’t forgotten you’re going to tea with her at
Rumplemeyer’s, madam

Caroline I haven’t forgotten. Cooper But I haven’t the
least intention of going

Cooper I said I’d give you the message, ma’am, but I said
I didn’t think you were feeling very well

Caroline It hadn’t occurred to me, but I don’t think I am
feeling very well I wish it would ram It’s so exas-
perating when the weather doesn’t fit in with one’s
moods

Cooper Shall I ring up Mrs Gilliatt and say you’re sorry
you can’t come to tea, ma’am 5

Caroline Yes, I think I’ll he down. The more I think of
it the more I think I’m not very well

[She lies down on the sofa

Cooper When one’s feeling like what you are, ma’am, it
always makes one feel better not to feel very well

Caroline [Smiling ] That’s rather confused. Cooper, but I
believe it’s quite true Put a lot of cushions behind me
[This Cooper does ] Thank you Now put the cigarettes
where I can reach them

Cooper [Fetching them ] Yes, madam.

Caroline There are two books over there Let me have

156

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE IJ7

them, will yoiP Thank you And give me the picture
papers There!

Cooper Shall I cover up your feet, ma’am?

Caroline You might put that Spanish shawl over them,
Cooper It’s always satisfactory to look nice even if
there’s no one to see you

[Cooper carries out Caroline’s various directions

Cooper There, ma’am Is there anything else**

Caroline No I feel better already I’m not at home to
anybody, and I won’t speak to anyone on the telephone

Cooper Very good, ma’am

Caroline I’m extremely pleased with my own society.
Cooper It’s very nice to be alone when one wants to
I like to think it’s my own house and nobody can cross
my threshold without permission It’s really very
pleasant to be one’s own mistress

Cooper Some people like a man about the house, ma’am,
and some people don’t

Caroline I don’t

Cooper Ah, well, ma’am, you’re one of the lucky ones,
you can please yourself

Caroline Cooper, what do you mean? You’re not dissatis-
fied with your young man?

Cooper No, ma’am, not exactly that But I don’t know as
I’d marry him if I ’ad anything better to look forward to

Caroline But you’re not obliged to marry him. Cooper

Cooper Him or somebody else It’s not very satisfactory
bemg in service all your life And it isn’t so easy tor a
parlourmaid to find places when she’s getting on a
bit

Caroline Tell me. Cooper, how did he propose^

Cooper Well, ma’am, I don’t know as he exactly proposed
at all You see, it was like this I’d been walking out

THE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

with him for something like two years, and he never said
anything that you could take hold of, so to speak, so at
last I said to him Well, what about it? What about
what^ he said You know what I mean, I said I do
not, he said Well, do you mean it or do you no t^ I
said Is it a nddle^ he said No, I said, but I’ve been
walking out with you for two years, and I just want to
know if anything’s to come of it or not Oh, he said
I don’t mind one way or the other, I said, but I’m not
going to waste my time till doomsday, and I just want
to know, that’s all Well, he said, what do you propose^
Well, I said, what about August Bank Holiday^ Make
it Christmas, he said, I get a nse then All right, I said,
as long as I know where I am I don’t mind waiting,
but I like to know where I am

Caroline It wasn’t very romantic. Cooper

Cooper Well, ma’am, my belief is that men don’t want to
marry It’s not in their nature You ’ave to give them
a little push or you’ll never bring them to it

Caroline And supposing they regret it afterwards.
Cooper?

Cooper Oh, well, ma’am, it’s too late then And you
know, ma’am, they generally try to make the best of it
when they know they can’t help themselves

Caroline And let us look on the bnght side of things.
Cooper, they’re often not unhappy, poor brutes

Cooper Oh, no, ma’am, I think they’re much happier, but
sometimes they won’t realize it, so to speak

Caroline That’s human nature. Cooper You won’t forget
to telephone to Mrs Gilhatt

Cooper \Gomg ] No, ma’am. I’ll ring her up at once

Caroline Oh, and Cooper, you might ring up Dr Cornish
and ask him if he can come round

Cooper I thought you were feeling better, ma’am?

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE 159

Caroline I am, but I think it would comfort me to see a
doctor To be able to talk about oneself without fear
of interruption is cheap at half a guinea
Cooper Very good, ma’am

[Exit Caroline settles herself more comfortably than
ever on the sofa, she takes one of the illustrated papers
and begins to look at it The door ts qmetly opened ,
and Maude Fulton puts a roguish head round the
corner

Maude May I come in?

Caroline Good heavens, how you startled me!

Maude Say I may come in, Caroline
Caroline No, you may not come in
Maude [Edging herself m ] Don’t be brutal, Caroline
Caroline I think I’ve got scarlet fever
Maude [Opening the door a little more ] I’ve had it
Caroline On the other hand, it may be small-pox
Maude [Coming right in ] I’m constantly bemg vaccinated
Caroline I’m not at home, Maude
Maude I know, but I felt sure you’d see me Cooper
didn’t want to let me come up
Caroline Servants are not what they were She should only
have let you force your way over her inanimate corpse
Maude Darling, surely a corpse couldn’t be anything else
but inanimate

Caroline Just as an intruder couldn’t be anything else but
intolerable

Maude Now that you’ve had the last word, offer me a cup
of tea and tell me all about it
Caroline I shall not, Maude.

Maude Now don’t be ridiculous, Caroline 1 felt I must
see you You can’t expect me to be entirely devoid of
curiosity

ACT II

x6o THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline After knowing you for twenty years? No, my
dear, I don’t But, on the other hand, you can’t expect
me to be such a fool as to gratify it
Maude I naturally wanted to be the first to congratulate
you [Insinuatingly ] Caroline, tell me now how he
did it

Caroline D’you think it’s fair to a man to tell a third
party what romantic madness seized his tongue at such
a moment?

Maude [Eagerly ] Oh, my dear, go on. I’m thrilled to the
core

Caroline [She looks at her with an ironical smile ] I was
standing in the middle of the room, Maude, and he
came up to me, and fell on one knee
Maude Yes, Sir Walter Raleigh
Caroline He took my hand I turned a little away
Maude Yes, yes

Caroline At last, he said, at last! Oh, I have waited for
this moment for a hundred years I know I am utterly
unworthy of you, but I adore the very ground you tread
on You are my ideal of woman Oh, Caroline, Caroline,
will you be mine? Clarence, I said
Maude Robert, you mean, surely

Caroline [Bursting into laughter ] You fool, Maude Can
you see Robert making such a perfect ass of himself?
Maude Really, Caroline, you are exasperating
Caroline Shall I tell you the honest truth?

Maude [Acidly ] If you can.

Caroline He fiddled about with a siphon, and said Well,
when would you like to be married?

Maude Ohi I prefer the other way, but after all it comes
to the same in the end Darling, I congratulate you with
all my heart

ACT n THE UNATTAINABLE l6 j,

Caroline On getting an offer at my time of life^ Thank
you very much

Maude Don’t be so silly On your engagement*

Caroline But I’m not engaged
Maude What are you talking about^

Caroline I refused him
Maude Good heavens! Why^

Caroline I thought I should be happier if I remained a*>
I was

Maude Caroline, how cruel of youl How abominably
selfish! But what did Robert say^

Caroline He was almost too much surprised for words
Maude Wasn’t he overwhelmed ^ 5

Caroline I could see it was a disappointment, but he did
all he could not to make it more difficult for me

Maude I can hardly believe my ears. What are you going
to do, them 5

Caroline I’m going to remain a widow And to make it
quite clear, I shall go into mourning Crepe and v eeds
and all the trappings of woe [Maude meditates for a
moment , while Caroline watches her , wondering whether
she accepts her account of the incident ] D’you think they’ll
suit me^

Maude [Tartly ] If they don’t, I think you can be trusted
not to wear them long

Caroline I don’t see why you should be cross with me
Maude I’m disappointed in you, Caroline, and I’m very,
very, very sorry for Robert
Caroline Marry him, then.

Maude I’m not a m a r rying woman
Caroline Neither am I Sisters in adversity*

Maude Of course, he’ll ask you again

ACT n

162 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline He’s not such a fool

Maude What do you mean by that^

Caroline [Seeing that she has nearly given herself away ] He
knows he can go on asking me till he’s blue in the
face and I shall say no

Maude Then there’s nothing more to be said

Caroline Nothing

[Cooper comes in to announce Dr Cornish This is
a very stout > redfaced , jovial gentleman , with an
optimistic view of life

Cooper Dr Cornish

Caroline How do you do^ Cooper, did you send that
message^

Cooper Yes, ma’am Mrs Giliiatt said she’d just heard the
dreadful news, and it must be a terrible shock and she
quite understood, you had her sincerest sympathy, and
she hoped you wouldn’t forget that you were playing
bridge with her to-morrow afternoon

Caroline Thank you

[Exit Cooper

Caroline [Turning to Dr Cornish ] Now I can attend to
you

Dr Cornish That’s what I’ve come to do to you

Caroline You know Miss Fulton^

Dr Cornish [Shaking hands with her ] A homeopath, I
believe

Maude Oh, no, I’ve given that up But I’ve got a wonderful
bone-setter that I go to now

Dr Cornish Dear me, have you been breaking your
bones^

Maude No, but I might

Dr Cornish I can recommend a very competent motor-
omnibus if you are looking for something to tun over
you

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE 163

Caroline Now, Maude, Dr Cormsh has come to see me
professionally You’ve stayed quite long enough
Maude Are you lU, darling 5

Caroline I shall know that when Dr Cornish has examined
me

Maude I thought you weren’t looking quite up to the
mark Of course I’ll go

Caroline And don’t come back till you’re sent for
Maude Dear Caroline It’s lucky I know she’s devoted to
me, or I might take offence at some of the things she
says to me Good-bye, Dr Cornish
Dr Cornish [Shaking hands with her ] Does the bone-setter
make love to you 5
Maude Not more than most men

[. Ext *

Dr Cornish Now, dear lady, what is the matter with you 5
Caroline Ill-temper

Dr Cornish An ailment very distressing to ladies’ maids,
I’ve always understood I noticed you were suffering
from it

Caroline I didn’t send for you so that you might have the
pleasure of making yourself disagreeable and earning
half a guinea into the bargain
Dr Cornish It does seem unfair, doesn’t it 5 Let me feel
your pulse

Caroline [As he takes her wrist ] There’s nothing wrong
with my body It’s my mind
Dr Cornish What is amiss with that 5
C \roline. Well, for one thing I don’t know it

Dr Cornish The British Empire is governed exclusively
by gentlemen who suffer from the same complaint You
mustn’t let that worry you

Caroline I’m vexed and bored

ACT II

164 THE UNATTAINABLE

Dr Cornish Has this got anything to do with the announce-
ment I read in this morning’s paper* I can well under-
stand that the loss of a husband might cause any woman
a momentary vexation

Caroline No, I don’t think it’s that I’ve just redecorated
my dinin g-room, and I don’t think it’s quite a success
And, you know, these new fashions don’t suit me I’m
not pleased with any of the clothes I bought this spring
I dare say I’m a little run down and want a change of air

Dr Cornish Quite so Quite so Now tell me the truth

Caroline But I’m telling you the truth

Dr Cornish Yes, I know, but the true truth Women
make such distinction between the two

Caroline [Smiling] You must have a very large practice.
Dr Cornish

Dr Cornish I get along Now come, dear lady

Caroline I sent for you because I wanted to tell you the
truth I’ve known you so long, and I can trust you
You know, I’m devoted to Robert Oldham I’ve wanted
to marry him ever since we first met And now that
the opportunity has come, I don’t want to

Dr Cornish I see

Caroline Of course, nobody knows Robert thinks I’m
dying to marry him And all my friends You see, it
was an understood thing that we should marry as soon
as I was free He’s waited for me all these years

Dr Cornish It’s awkward, isn’t it? I can see that Robert
Oldham will think you a little unreasonable He’s no
longer a young man

Caroline That is what I said to myself I thought the
aiatter over from every standpoint I remembered
Robert’s infinite patience, his devotion and self-sacrifice,
and I made up my mind that it was my duty to marry

KCT II THE UNATTAINABLE

Dr Cornish It’s hard to speak of duty in these matters,
but if you ask my opinion, in this particular case I think
you’re right

Caroline He came here this morning I discovered that he
didn’t want to marry me m the least

Dr Cornish Well, that simplifies matters,

Caroline It does nothing of the kind I was prepared to
sacrifice myself I’d made up my mind to an act of
renunciation I’d promised myself that he should never,
never know the truth You don’t think it’s pleasant to
realize suddenly that you’re not wanted, and you can
keep your self-sacrifice It’s enough to make any woman
feel not very well

Dr Cornish Now, don’t work yourself up into a scene
dear lady

Caroline Why not?

Dr Cornish I’ve seen so many I assure you they have no
effect on me at all

Caroline In that case it isn’t worth while, is it? But it is
vexatious. Dr Cornish, isn’t it^

Dr Cornish Very

Caroline Upon my word I could almost wish my husband
were alive agam [No sooner are the words out of her
mouth than the telephone hell rings ] Good heavens, how it
startled me! I told Cooper I wouldn’t speak to anyone
Oh, I know what it is It’s my solicitor They’re had
the answer to my cable [She takes up the receiver and
listens ] Yes Lester and Lester^ I was expecting you
to ring me up Yes, I’ll hold on [To Dr Cornish J
They’re putting me through to Sir Henry Oh, the
suspense! You know. I’ve had two or three false alarm g
of Stephen’s death before Oh, if he’s only alive this
time it’ll make such a difference It’ll put an end to all
my difficulties [Speaking into the receiver 1 Yes Sir

1 66 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

Henryk You haven’t had an answer to your cabled
Then Oh* [To Dr Cornish ] He's seen Stephen's
solicitor [Listening ] I see Thank you very much It
was kmd of you to ring me up Good-bye

[She puts down the receiver

Dr Cornish WelP

Caroline Stephen’s solicitor has had a further cable from
Nairobi It appears my husband died in the hospital
there four days ago of cirrhosis of the liver Is that the
sort of disease he would die fronP

Dr Cornish You must know that better than I I never
knew him*

Caroline Could brandy bring it oiP

Dr Cornish Nothing better

Caroline Then that settles it There can be no more doubt
I’m free

Dr Cornish Don’t say it so despondently It’s a condition
that most married people aspire to

Caroline Doesn’t it strike you that there’s something dis-
tressingly obvious in being a widow^ I can quite under-
stand why a more delicate civilization than ours ordered
the immolation of widows on their husband’s pyre

Dr Cornish My dear lady, you take too gloomy a view of
the situation From the days of the ancients a certain
gaiety has been ascribed to the condition which you
now adorn

Caroline I refuse to be gay My husband spited me for ten
years by living, now he spites me more than ever before
by dying

Dr Cornish D’you know what’s the matter with you^

Caroline If you say appendicitis I’ll kill you

Dr Cornish I wish I could, for that is an ailment which
can be cured by a trifling operation But there’s no
escape from the malady I have in mind There’s no cure

4.CT II THE UNATTAINABLE l 6 j

There are no palliatives even The most eminent
physician in the world can do no more than offer sym-
pathy and consolation

Caroline My dear Dr Cornish, you freeze the very marrow
in my bones Tell me what it is quickly I will brace
myself to bear the worst.

Dr Cornish Middle age

Caroline Say that again.

Dr Cornish Middle age

Caroline Impossible’ Oh, impossible!

Dr Cornish Let me suggest one or two symptoms to you
Haven’t you noticed lately how young the policemen
are about the streets^ Why, they’re mere boys But
when you were a girl, don’t you remember, they were
middle-aged men

Caroline Now that you come to speak of it I have noticed
that the policemen are very young nowadays

Dr Cornish And when you’re in a house part}, haven’t
you noticed that some of the young people are really
very rowdy^ It’s lucky they keep more or less to them-
selves because their conversation really is very tedious

Caroline But it ts very tedious

Dr Cornish It’s just the same as it was fifteen years ago,
and you didn’t find it so then

Caroline You’re beginning to frighten me

Dr Cornish You’re devoted to dancing, aren’t you^

Caroline {Brightly ] Passionately That, at ail events, hasn’t
left me

Dr Cornish But don’t you find by about one m the morn-
ing you’re rather tired and quite ready to go horned

Caroline I naturally don’t want to be a wreck next day

Dr Cornish Were you a wreck nest day fifteen years ago?

ACT II

l68 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline I used to be able to sleep till twelve o’clock nest
morning

Dr Cornish And now you can’P I know At whatever
time you go to bed you awake about eight, don’t jovfi
One does, you know, as one grows older
Caroline Pm beginning to feel a hundred
Dr Cornish You mustn’t take it too hardly Things
haven’t gone very far yet
Caroline \Lromcally ] Thank you so much
Dr Cornish Perhaps you’ve noticed one white hair on
your head, and you’ve said to your friends I’m sure I
shall be prematurely grey
Caroline Are you enjoying this, Dr Cornish?

Dr Cornish It’s not so tragic as you think
Caroline Middle age^

Dr Cornish It’s true there are no remedies Rouge, dye,
powder and pencil are not even palliatives, they merely
emphasize the obvious

Caroline Y ou have nothing to recommend but resignation^
Dr Cornish I can offer comfort
Caroline [Shaking her head ] No

Dr. Cornish Dear lady, it’s the happy time of a man’s life
You have learnt your limitations They are like a pack
of cards, with which the skilful conjuror can do a
hundred tricks Passion no longer holds you enslaved
You go your way and attach no more importance to
the opinion of your fellows than is seemly You are
sound in wind and limb and you are free Good heavens,
when I was young I did things I didn’t want to because
other people did Now I do what I like I wear the
clothes I fancy, and don’t ask myself if they’re the
fashion. When I’m tired I go to bed When I’m bored
I betake myself to my own counsel Believe me, middle
age is very pleasant, A book, a glass of wine, and

ACT n THE UNATTAINABLE 169

Amaryllis sporting in the shade, while I — bask m
the sun

Caroline Is it because Fm middle-aged that Robert no
longer wants to marry me ?

Dr Cornish Not at all I was explaining why you no
longer wanted to marry him

Caroline [Taking a little mirror out of her hag and looking a*
herself in it] I see myself no different from what I was
yesterday or ten years ago

Dr Cornish You’re a very charming and a very fascinating
woman

Caroline I was never beautiful At my best I was no more
than pretty, but I’ve been quite content with that
People have found me amusing

Dr Cornish None more than I

Caroline I’ve never lacked admiration • It’s been the
breath of my nostrils, Dr Cornish If all that is to go,
what is there left 5 Chanty and good works 5 You talk
like a man. You talk like a fool You don’t know what
middle age is to a woman It’s very hard It gives me
such a pain in my heart [She begins to cry a little Dr
Cornish watches her with not unkindly amusement ] You’re
not going to charge me for this, are you 5 That would
be more than I could bear

Dr Cornish On the contrary, I’m gomg to charge you
double A doctor is only supposed to give drugs, but
I’ve given you common sense [Caroline gives a little
cry ] What is the matter 5

Caroline May your hair fall out in bushels, and all your
teeth rattle from your palsied gums May your joints
ache with rheumatism and your toes tingle with gout
May you wheeze and snore like an overfed pug, and
blow like a ridiculous grampus.

Dr. Cornish Mercyl

I JO THE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

Caroline What a fool I am to let mvself be harassed by
you We’re nothing in ourselves We’re what other
people think we are I’ve just thought of Rex

Dr Cornish Who the dickens is Rex?

Caroline Rex is passion and youth and love To him, at
all events, I’m young and charming He loves me

Dr Cornish Ho, ho!

Caroline [Going to the telephone ] Mayfair 2315 Rex? D’you
know who it is? [She makes her voice as seductive as she
knows how ] What are you doing? Idle creature Under
the circumstances Under what circumstances?
Would you like to come and dine with me to-night?
[Her face changes ] Engaged? You’ve never been engaged
before when I’ve asked you Can’t you break the
engagement? Oh, of course, if there’s any difficulty you
mustn’t think of it Anyhow, come round and see me
now, we’ll drink a dish of tea together Very well [She
puts down the receiver ] He’s coming at once

Dr Cornish What are you gomg to do?

Caroline I? Oh, I’m gomg to tell him that I’ve refused
Robert

Dr Cornish And then?

Caroline [Smiling ] Then we’ll see

[She draws a long, triumphant breath It is obvious that
she expects the young man then to fling hts passionate
heart at her feet

Dr Cornish My advice to you is to marry Robert Oldham

Caroline He doesn’t want to marry me.

Dr Cornish Nag him a little

Caroline Wffiy should I marry him? He’s not young I
don’t believe we’re suited to one another

Pr Cornish You try You’ll find you’ll jog along quite
comfortably

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE 1 J 1

Caroline Good heavens* I don't want to jog along I want
poetry, passion, romance

Dr Cornish [Soothingly ] Yes I think I'll write you a little
prescription I dare say a gentle sedative will do you
no harm

Caroline [As he prepares to sit down ] You can write as
many prescriptions as you like, but if you think Fm
going to take your beastly medicine you’re verv much
mistaken

Dr Cornish [Writing] Human emotion is a queer busi-
ness Has it ever struck you that with a few grams of
one drug you can make the timid heroic, and with a few
grams of another the romantic, matter-of-fact You can
make the femme incompnse satisfied with her lot and the
adventurer content to stick to his desk You have read
that the history of the world would have been different
if Cleopatra’s nose had been longer My dear, I have
no doubt that if Cleopatra had been treated with valerian
and massage she would never have made such a fool
of herself at the Battle of Actium, and Fm convinced
that with the administration of a certain amount of
strychnine and iron I could have persuaded Antony that
it wasn’t worth while to lose an empire for her sake
Take this three times a day after meals You’ll find it’ll
do you a lot of good

Caroline I don’t want to be done good to

[Cooper comes in

Cooper Mrs Trench has called, ma’am

Caroline Fm not at home. Cooper

Cooper I said you were not at home, ma’am, but Mrs.
Trench says you telephoned for her to come at once*

Caroline I? I did no such thing

Cooper. What shall I say, ma’am?

Caroline I suppose she must come up

172 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

Cooper Very good, ma’am.

[Exit

Dr Cornish Well, good-bye, dear lady,

Caroline I’m twenty-five, Dr Cornish Romance is on
the way to my door m a two-seater
Dr Cornish Send it away, and let common sense come
trundling along in a four-wheeler
Caroline Never Good-bye

[Dr Cornish goes out In a moment Isabella comes
tn with Maude Fulton

Caroline I’m delighted to see you, Isabella, but I can’t
make out what you mean by saying I telephoned
Maude I telephoned
Caroline You!

Maude I think it’s absurd that you should refuse Robert
Oldham I sent for Isabella so that we might talk it
over

Caroline May I ask what business it is of Isabella V
Isabella My dear, when your friends see you about to
make a terrible mistake, they wouldn’t be friends if they
didn’t do everything they could to save you from it
Caroline I take it that you’ve talked the matter out
downstairs

Maude I put the case before Isabella as I saw it
Isabella I can hardly believe it even now It’s the most
astounding thing I’ve ever heard in my life

Caroline I hope you’ve had a pleasant chat Now I will
ask you both to go away I’m going to he down

Maude [Sitting down firmly ] No, Caroline, we will not go
till you’ve heard what we have to say

Isabella Tnere must be some misunderstanding It only
requires a little good-will and everything can be put
right

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE 173

Caroline Robert and I understand one another only too
well

Isabella I wonder if you haven’t known him so long that
you’ve ceased to realize what a very attractive man
he is

Caroline [A little surprised ] Do you find him so^

Isabella He’s one of the most charming men I’ve ever
met

Caroline Oh*

Isabella He’s very handsome He has charming eves

Caroline Ah! That’s just what he says about you

Isabella [Pleased] Really^ Do tell me what he says

Caroline What a pity you can’t marry him yourself,
Isabella!

Isabella Oh, I! He’s never had eyes for anybody when
you’ve been there

Caroline Not till to-day But then I’m not always there,
am P

Isabella What do you mean, Caroline^ You’re speaking
quite acidly

Caroline Oh, nothing

Maude All that is neither here nor there You can’t afford
to refuse Robert You’ve been a good deal talked about
in connection with Robert Oldham, but your friends
have been exceedingly sympathetic owing to the peculiar
circumstances But honestly you owe it to them just
as much as to yourself to marry the man as soon as
you can

Caroline I’m going to marry to please myself, not to
please my friends

Maude Besides, it’s high time you settled down

Caroline Upon my word, I don’t know why

Maude. You’re no chicken, Caroline.

G

174 tHE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

Caroline At all events, I’m younger than you darling
Maude A widow is as old as her possible husband, a
spinster is as young as her latest young man
Caroline Then if I choose a husband at all I’ll choose one
vounger than Robert

Isabella My dear, he’s a perfect age Everyone knows that
young men think of nothing but themselves It’s the
man of forty-five who makes much of you
Maude Dear Caroline, I think the time has arrived to be
frank

Caroline Good heavens, haven’t you been frank hitherto^
Maude I’ve been doing my best to spare your feelings
Caroline I hadn’t noticed it

Maude I’m afraid I shall have to make myself a little
unpleasant

Caroline For my good or for your own satisfaction^
Maude By a merciful interposition of providence in these
matters one can generally combine the two I feel it
my duty to tell you the whole truth
Caroline Will it take very long ?

Maude Why^

Caroline Only that I’m expecting Rex in a minute or two,
and I’m afraid I must ask you to leave me when he
comes

Maude That’s a very strange request
Caroline He has asked to see me alone
Maude What does he wanP

Caroline I’m sure I don’t know I’m filled with curiosity
Maude I won’t conceal from you that I’m surprised,
Caroline

Caroline Are you^

Maude Yes, you see, I told him you were engaged to
Robert Oldham.

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE I75

Caroline [Indignantly ] You didn’t How dare you! Really,
Maude, you take too much upon yourself It’s mon-
strous I will not let you interfere with my affairs in this
way It’s too monstrous

Maude Well, I thought you would be And what’s more,
you ought to be

Caroline I’ll never forgive you How dare you? How
dare youS

Isabella [At the window ] Here he is,

Caroline Rex^

Isabella He’s just driven up

Maude I’m not going, Caroline We must thrash this
matter out thoroughly While Rex is here Isabella and
I will have a cup of tea in your boudoir

Caroline [ Ironically ] Make yourselves at home, won’t youS

Maude Come, Isabella

Caroline [Furiously ] If you’d like an egg to your tea, mind
you order it

[The two ladies go out Caroline hurriedly looks at
herself m the glass , arranges her hair a little > powders
her nose , and settles herself down tn a becoming attitude
with a book She is careful to arrange her shrt so
that it shall make a graceful line Cooper shows m
Rex Cunningham

Cooper Mr Cunningham

[Exit.

Caroline [Very affably ] How nice of you to come,

Rex I thought I was never going to see you again

Caroline Good heavens, whyS

Rex [With a shrug of the shoulders ] Let me congratulate you
on your engagement

Caroline D’you mean that my engagement entails the
breaking of our friendships

ACT II

176 THE UNATTAINABLE

Rex Don’t j ou know how I’ve felt for you ever since I
knew you^ D’you think I have no hearth
Caroline No, I don’t think that You are romance,
youth, passion

Rex I could bear to think of you as the wife of a man
I’d never seen He was far away, and I knew you didn’t
care for him But now it’s quite different
Caroline You’ve known always that I was deeply attached
to Robert

Rex If you knew how I’ve suffered
Caroline Don’t, Rex, you break my heart
Rex And I shall go on suffering I know myself I know
what tortures I’m capable of I’ve got that nature But
what must be, must be The only thing is, I beseech you
not to ask me to go on seeing you
Caroline But I’m very fond of you
Rex You say that because you have a kind heart You’ll be
happy with the man you love I shall only be m the way
Say good-bye to me and let me go I’m seeing you now
for the last time I shall never get over it My life is
blighted But at all events let me spare you the sight of
my torment Let me suffer in silence and in solitude
Caroline What would you say if I told you that I’d
refused to marry Robert OldhanP
Rex You^ But Miss Fulton told me you were engaged
Caroline She was mistaken
Rex [Loo fang at her blankly ] My hat!

Caroline [A little surprised ] Aren’t you pleased*

Rex Why did you refuse hinP

Caroi ine I suppose because I didn’t love him enough
Rex Are you quite sure you’re wise^

Caroline I beg your paraon^ I didn’t expect you to ask me
that question!

ACT II

THE UNATTAINABLE

*77

Rex I’m thinking of your happiness
Caroline It may be that my happiness lies elsewhere
Rex [Not without embarrassment ] After all, you’ve known
Robert Oldham a great many years, haven’t yoP
Caroline Not so many as all that

Rex He’s a very good chap None better He’s by way of
being distinguished too I always feel rather insignificant
beside him

Caroline One might almost think you wanted me to
marry him

Rex It would break my heart You know that.

Caroline But

Rex Looking at it entirely from y our point of view I can’t
help seemg it would be the best tlung
Caroline It’s nice of you to be so anxious for my welfare
Rex That has been my first thought ever since I first saw you
Caroline It’s rare to find such unselfishness in a man
Rex I’m so accustomed to being absolutely wretched
Caroline [With a flash of insight ] Are you sure you don’t
rather like lP

Rex P Do you know how many sleepless nights I’ve spent
on your account^

Caroline And I felt so sorry for you, poor dear Tell me,
has nobody ever been in love with yoP
Rex I suppose so But, I don’t know why, it’s always
bored me stiff

Caroline I’m beginning to see daylight You thrive on
hopeless passion, my poor friend
Rex I don’t know what you mean If you thmk that

I haven’t been perfectly smcere in all I’ve said to you

Caroline [. Interrupting ] Oh, I’m sure you have But
hasn’t my greatest attraction been that I didn’t return
your love^

ACT ir

173 THE UNATTAINABLE

Rex I never expected to hear you say such things to me,
Caroline

Caroline My dear, I don’t blame you We’re as we’re
made You are the unhappy lover I was a donkey not
to see it before

Rex You make me feel an awful fool, Caroline
Caroline Don’t grudge me that little bit of satisfaction
By the way, where are you dining to-night ^ 5
Rex Isabella asked me to eat a chop with her
Caroline It crossed my mind that it might be she Dear
Isabella You’ll like her so much as you get to know her
more She has a husband in India and she’ll never do
anything to cause him any real uneasiness but she has a
very tender heart and an unlimited amount of sympathy

Rex Caroline, vou don’t think for a moment ?

Caroline No, but I recommend it You see, now I’ve
discovered that nothing can distress you more than
to have your passion returned, I’m afraid I shan’t
succeed in being as sympathetic as you have the right to
expect

Rex You’re unjust to me, Caroline It’s not my fault if
I’m only really happy when I’m utterly miserable.
Caroline I’m so glad I’m not But it takes all sorts to make
a world

Rex And you know, they never give me a chance They’re
quite impossible
Caroline Who^

Rex Women

Caroline They will fall on your neck, I suppose They’re
affectionate creatures

Rex They’re always wanting to sacrifice themselves
Caroline I nearly did myself, Rex
Rex They’re so selfish They never will let a man be self-
sacrificing and all that sort of thing Why shouldn’t a

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE I79

man be an object of pi ty? I want to deny myself, I want
to stand aside, I can suffer in silence I’m made like that

Caroline Not quite in silence, Res But I’m keeping you,
and I’m sure you have a hundred things to do Good-
bye

Rex No one will ever understand me Good-bye [He
goes to the door , opens it, and pauses a moment ] And \ou
know, Caroline a woman is more desirable when she’s
unattainable

[Exit

Caroline [A sudden light dawning upon her ] A true word!
[Pause ] My hat*

[Maude Fulton and Isabella. Trench come w m

Maude We heard him go

Caroline Heavens, I’d forgotten all about you [To
Isabella] Well, my dear, you’ve not been wasting
your time with Rex, have you? He thinks you have
charming blue eyes too

Isabella Caroline, what do you mean 5

Caroline It appears he’s dining with you to-mght

Isabella I merely asked him because he seemed unhappy,

Caroline Unhappy^ Why, he enjoys being unhappy I
give him to you, Isabella, since you want him

Isabella [Outraged] OhI

Caroline You’ll just suit him You’ll listen to all his
protestations of affection, and you’ll weep little salt
tears of sympathy when he tells you he adores you
And you’ll give him to understand that your husband
doesn’t appreciate you And you’ll be dreadfully sorry
for him And I can trust you not to go an inch further
than is quite safe You mustn’t do that because it’ll put
him out dreadfully The last thing he wants is to have his
feelings reciprocated.

i8o

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT II

Isabella [Beginning to cry \ I never thought you’d say such
things to me

Maude Caroline, you’ve asked him to marry you and he’s
refused

Caroline Oh, I haven’t Really that’s too much I’ve
never been so insulted [She begins to cry also ] Oh, I hate
you, Maude, I hate you!

Maude Caroline!

Caroline You’re a spiteful, envious cat
Maude You’ve got no right to say such things to me I’ve
only aimed at your good

[She begins to cry They all three sob angrily for a minute ,
then all three take their bags and pull out their
mirrors

Isabella Oh, my dear, what a fright I look
Caroline Good heavens! I look a perfect sight
Maude Crying doesn’t suit me one bit

[These three speeches are said together , then all three take
their puffs and powder their noses While they are
busily engaged Cooper comes in
Cooper Mr Oldham has called, ma’am
Caroline Not at home

Cooper He said he’d come by appointment, ma’am
Maude That’s quite right Show him up. Cooper
Cooper Very good, miss

f Exit

Caroline What d’you mean, Maude^

Maude I sent for him

Caroline Abominable woman! I’m speechless* Maude,
you abominable woman!

Maude I don’t care if you’re angry The matter can’t be
left like this, and something’s got to be done
Caroline [Making for the door ] I won’t see him

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE iSl

Maude But he’s here now

Caroline Get rid of him, then You think he’s charming,
Isabella, take him too

Isabella He’ll never go without seeing you.

Caroline Then I’ll tell you why I refused him — because he
didn’t want to marry me I saw his heart sink as the
words were wrung out of him by his sense of decency
He asked me only because he felt he must

Maude Oh, what nonsense! I oughtn’t to have left you
alone Y ou’re a pair of children I dare say he was a little
nervous, and I’m sure you were

Caroline There’s no doubt that he was If you’d seen the
amount of whisky he took! Dutch courage to propose
to me! Are you going to ask him now to marry me out of
pity! I dare say he’s already got a ticket for the South Sea
Islands in his pocket

Isabella Everyone knows that Robert has worshipped the
ground you trod on for ten years It’s incredible that
now, when he can at last achieve his greatest wish, he
shouldn’t want to

Caroline You idiot, Isabella, don’t you know that the only
thing men want is the unattainable^

Maude I suppose you’re quite sure that he did propose^

Caroline You may be quite certain that I wouldn’t have let
him out of the room before he did I have my self-
respect to think of

Maude Perhaps you didn’t make yourself alluring enough

Caroline I made myself as allurmg as I knew how

Maude You should have waited till the evening A good
dinner and a bottle of champagne have a wonderful
effect on the masculine heart

Is abella And no woman is so attractive that sne’s not
improved by shaded lights and an evening frock.

ACT II

182 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline I didn’t want him to come this morning You
did it I knew very well that no man feels like marriage
before luncheon

Maude I thought Robert was an exceptional man

Caroline No man’s an exceptional man You must know
that by now

Isabella What is he doing all this tirne^ 5

Caroline Making up his mind to face the music I won’t
come out of my room till he’s gone

[She flings out of the room The two ladies are left
astounded

Maude Well 1

Isabella Dear Caroline is rather hard sometimes She
should show more tenderness

[Cooper ushers m Robert Oldham and then goes out

Cooper Mr Oldham

Robert I just asked Cooper to give me a drink Is Caroline
not here ? Good afternoon [Silence ] Is anything the
matter^ When I came out of court my clerk gave me a
message that I was to come at once on a matter of the
greatest importance

Maude I sent the message I’m not pleased with you,
Robert

Robert How changeable you are It’s only a few hours ago
since you insisted on kissing me

Maude This is no time for flippancy

Robert My dear Maude, if conscience took a human shape,
I am convinced she would take yours Relieve me,
nothing is further from me than flippancy

Maude Then your conscience is troubling you*

Robert I never said so It’s perfectly at ease.

Maude In that case your remark was senseless

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE 183

Robert [Desperately] Oh, heavens! I was only trying to be
funny

Maude I should have thought you knew enough about
cross-examination to realize that it was an extremely
damaging admission

Robert Good God, woman, don’t bully me What is the
matter*

Maude [Impressively ] What have you done to Caroline*
Robert P I don’t understand what you mean*

Maude When we came here, Isabella and I, to congratulate
her, we found Caroline in a state of complete collapse
Isn’t that so, Isabella*

Isabella [A little doubtfully ] Yes, Maude
Maude She was crying her eyes out Her maid told us that
she’d had one fainting fit after another The sal volatile
bottle was empty Isn’t that so, Isabella*

Isabella [Very uncomfortably] Yes, Maude
Maude We had to send for the doctor. He says her
condition is most alarming, and it’ll be a miracle if she
escapes brain fever
Robert Good God!

Maude I repeat, what have you done to Caroline*

Robert Nothing I asked her to marry me

Maude Ah! That confirms Caroline’s statement, Isabella
And she refused Weren’t you a little surprised*

Robert My dear Maude, surprised isn’t the word I was
staggered I’m reeling under the blow still

Maude It must have seemed incomprehensible

Robert Imagine For ten years I’ve longed for the
moment when I might be able to ask her to be my wife
It has been my dearest hope There was nothing in the
world I wanted more She shatters all my expectations
at a blow At the moment it seems to me that I have

i $4 the unattainable ACT II

nothing left to live for I suppose I shall get over it in
time, but

Maude Why don’t you ask her agaim*

Robert She made me understand that her decision was
quite irrevocable And, after all, my pride is deeply hurt
1 cannot expose myself a second time to so monstrous a
humiliation

Maude Fiddle!

Robert Really, Maude, I think you might show me some
sympathy in the bitterest disappointment of my life

Maude My dear friend, Caroline refused you because you
showed her very plainly that you didn’t want to marry
her

Robert Oh, what nonsense! Everyone knows I wanted to
marry her

Maude You asked her as though it was a duty you owed
her A woman of spirit would naturally refuse I would
have refused you myself

Robert Isabella, everyone knows Maude is a terrible liar
Tell me, is there a word of truth in what she says?

Isabella Perhaps you didn’t quite realize that a woman
doesn’t like these things arranged in too matter-of-fact a
way You should have made love to her I’m sure you
do it very well

Robert [Sitting down beside her] What makes you think
that^

Isabella That is the sort of thing that every woman
knows

Robert What intuition you have, Isabella

Isabella [. Putting her hand on bis ] I know you love her,
Robert

Robert [Taking her hand] I’m devoted to her

Isabella Let a charming story have a charming end

ACT n THE UNATTAINABLE 18?

Robert I wonder if she really cares for me, Isabella
Isabella Oh, how can you doubt it? Women are faithful
creatures, Robert

Robert Fidelity is not the characteristic which I have
found most conspicuous in them in my practice at the
Bar

Isabella D’you know that Caroline is jealous of you*
Robert Oh, come, what makes you think that*

Isabella She’s furious with me Of course, I know she’s
not quite herself to-day, but she’s been unkind to me
It appears that you told her I had charming blue eyes
Robert So you have

Isabella You ought to have said it to me I should have
understood I’m afraid she took it amiss
Robert You would understand anything
Isabella I suppose I have a natural gift of sympathy Of
course, Caroline is charming, but she ts a little lacking in
tenderness sometimes, don’t you think so*

Robert That is your most exquisite trait
Maude Really, Isabella, I don’t know what you think
you’re domg

Isabella [With some asperity ] My dear, I wish you’d let me
do things in my own way

Maude I can’t see that anything you’ve said for the last
five minutes will make it any clearer to Robert that it is
his duty to marry Caroline
Robert Dutyl Stern daughter of the voice of God
Maude You’ve compromised her You’ve got her talked
about There’s only one course open to you You owe it
to yourself and you owe it to her And you owe it to us.
Robert* Oh, really Do you think so*

Maude We can’t be deprived now of the satisfaction of
seeing you both happy You’ve behaved like a gentleman

l86 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

hitherto, I recommend you to play the r 61 e with elegance
to the end

Robert [He thinks it over for a moment He makes up bis
mind] I’ll see Caroline

Maude We will leave you Come, Isabella We have
done our duty, and the saints in heaven can do no
more

Isabella Good-bye

[He opens the door for them and they go out He rings the
hell He walks up and down moodily once or twice , hut
then braces himself he is an Englishman , and fears no
foe Cooper comes tn

Robert Will you ask Mrs Ashley if I could see her for a
few minutes?

Cooper Mrs Ashley is engaged, sir
Robert I’ll wait till she is free

Cooper Very good, sir [Exit Cooper In a moment she
comes in again ] Mrs Ashley is ill, sir, and unable to see
anyone

Robert I’ll wait till she’s well

Cooper Very good, sir [She goes out and in a moment more
comes hack ] Mrs Ashley is dead, sir
Robert I’ll wait till she comes to life This is the day of
judgment, and the last trump is sounding loud and long
Cooper Very good, sir

[Exit This brings Caroline

Caroline Have they gone?

Robert Thank GodI
Caroline [Calling ] Cooper
Cooper [Coming m ] Yes, ma’am?

Caroline Put the chain on the door and don’t let anyone
in, or I’ll give you your notice
Cooper Very good, ma’am.

[Exit

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE 187

Caroline Your message was so pathetic that I had to
come, Robert

Robert Look here, Caroline, you behaved very badly m
putting all the blame on me You didn’t so very much
want to marry me, did you^

Caroline {Smiling ] Not so very much.

Robert Then what’s all this nonsense about floods of tears
and fainting fits^

Caroline Who told you thaP

Robert Maude She said you were m a state of collapse,
and would only escape brain fever by a miracle

Caroline {Chuckling ] You didn’t believe it^

Robert No But I thought you might be up to some
monkey tnck

Caroline I bore the blasting of all my hopes with complete
fortitude, Robert

Robert Well, now look here, Caroline, it’s no good kicking
against the pricks We’ve got to marry

Caroline {Energetically ] I’m hanged if we do

Robert You know, this is only the beginning We shall be
left no peace Sooner or later we shall be driven to it
We may just as well resign ourselves and bow to the
inevitable

Caroline If I marry it’ll be because I want to, not to please
my friends

Robert My dear, I have a large experience of the reasons
for which two people marry They marry from pique, or
loneliness, or fear, for money, position, or boredom,
because they can’t get out of it, or because their friends
think it’ll be a good thing, because no one has ever asked
them before, or because they’re afraid of being left on
the shelf, but the one reason which infallibly leads to
disaster is when they marry because they want to.

Caroline You’re only saying that to reassure me.

18 8 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

Robert D’you think Maude and Isabella will give up the
struggle^ Never They’ll be joined by all your friends,
who’ll think it very fanny that you don’t marry, and by
all mine, who’ll think there’s a discreditable reason on
my side, by your uncles and aunts, by my nephews and
nieces My dear girl, we haven’t a chance

Caroline I will fight to the last cartridge, Robert

Robert After all, I dare say we’ll jog along well enough

Caroline [Vehemently ] Jog along! jog along! jog along!
I don’t want to jog along

Robert You know I’m devoted to you, Caroline

Caroline I’m devoted to you, Robert

Robert But I don’t mind telling you now that at the first
moment the thought of marriage frightened me out of
my wits It meant changing all my habits and forming
new ones It meant giving up my freedom. You
don’t mind my saying this, do you^

Caroline My dear, I didn’t feel very differently myself

Robert It’s not that I want to be a gay dog, but I want to be
able to be a gay dog if I want to

Caroline I know Don’t you know how you feel when
you’ve been a long journey, and your train steams m at
night to some strange city that you’ve never been m
before All the lights are twinkling And a wonderful
excitement seizes you, and you think any adventure may
happen to you It never does, but it always may Oh,
Robert, if you were sitting on the seat opposite me I’d
know it never could

Robert It’s no good, Caroline, we’re the heroes of romance,
you and I We’ve got to satisfy the human craving for a
happy ending

Caroline I wish to heaven my husband had never died

Robert You know, Caroline, perhaps we shall feel quite
differently about it when we are married

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE 189

Caroline What makes you think that^

Robert I knew a man in South Africa who was engaged to
a girl in England, and he wasn’t able to send for her till
they’d been engaged for seven years He went to meet
her at Durban, but just as the boat was coming in his
courage failed him, and he turned and ran She chased
him to Cape Town He fled to Johannesburg She
chased him to Port Elizabeth He fled to Lorenzo-
Marquez My dear, she chased him up and down the
Continent of Africa, and at last she cornered him She
married him out of hand, and ever since he’s been the
happiest man alive

Caroline I’m not thinking of you, Robert, I’m thinking
entirely of myself

Robert My dear, in another hour Maude will be on your
doorstep

Caroline The chain is up

Robert She’ll bring a camp-stool and sandwiches
Caroline Robert, this is intolerable^ Is there nothmg you
can do p

Robert Good heavens, what can I do^ I’m a desperate
man

Caroline I don’t like to ask you to commit suicide
Robert That’s lucky, because I have no intention of doing
so

Caroline I suppose you wouldn’t marry Maude^

Robert No Certainly not!

Caroline Is there nothing you’ll do for me^

Robert I’U marry you

Caroline Pooh, you’re doing that for yourself, not for me
Robert It’s no good quarrelling We shall have plenty of
time for that when we’re married
Caroline D’you know, we’ve never quarrelled once in all
the time we’ve known one another

190 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT II

Robert That augurs well for the future, at all events
Caroline Robert, I don’t want to marry you

Robert Come, my dear, just a little courage I wouldn’t
press you if I saw a way out, but there isn’t one.

Caroline Are you sure'*

Robert Positive It’s the only way
Caroline It’s a far, far better thing that I do than I have
ever done before, Robert
Robert Then it’s settled^

Caroline [With a sigh ] It’s settled

Robert We’d better get it over quickly, Caroline

Caroline I suppose nothing is gained by delaying.

Robert It’s lucky I didn’t resign from those clubs as I
talked of doing
Caroline Why^

Robert Well, it was a mere extravagance, I never went near
them, but I shall want them when I am married

Caroline I thought it was chiefly bachelors who used
clubs

Robert Oh, no, bachelors don’t mind staying at home

Caroline This will make a great change in your life,
Robert

Robert I’ve always been very domestic I dare say it’ll do
me good to be shaken up a bit

Caroline You spent practically all your evenings here.
I’m sure it won’t hurt you to see a little more of other
people

Robert We were getting into a groove, Caroline I dare
say it wanted something like this to stir us up I look
forward to the future with considerable pleasure

Caroline The past was very pleasant, Robert A tete-cl-tete
will never be the same thing again.

ACT II

THE UNATTAINABLE

I 9 I

Robert You’re thinking of the little suppers we used to
have at the Savoy after the play They were jolly,
weren’t they^

Caroline And you know, Robert, I never lost the little
thrill it gave me to come and dine with you m your
house They were harmless little dinners enough, but
there was always a sense of adventure when I took off my
cloak in your hall

Robert By the way, what are you going to do about gettmg
rid of your housed

Caroline {Astounded ] I’m not going to get rid of my
house

Robert My dear, we don’t want two

Caroline Of course not I naturally supposed you’d sell
yours

Robert Why^ I’ve had my house for twenty years I’m
very much attached to it You’ve only got a lease

Caroline That’s got nothing to do with it I’ve just had it
redecorated I’ve spent a fortune on my bathroom

Robert You’re not going to ask me to have my bath m a
futurist bathroom I never feel my best before breakfast
as it is

Caroline I’m sorry you don’t like my bathroom. But that’s
a matter of taste

Robert Personally, I don’t see what anyone can want
more than plain white tiles It’s clean, sanitary and
cheerful

Caroline [Beginning to be vexed ] Oh, of course you always
think your own things are better than anybody else’s.
Your bathroom is just like a tube station I really can’t
see myself having my bath in it I should be afraid ail the
time that a young man was going to pop m and say
Next station — -Marble Archl

act n

192 THE UNATTAINABLE

Robert My dear child, you must be sensible It’s perfectly
obvious that my house is a much mcer one than yours

Caroline [Sharply ] I don’t agree with you at all

Robert [Impatiently ] Of course, if you won’t listen to
reason, there’s nothing more to be said

Caroline I tell you frankly that nothing will induce me to
leave this house

Robert Really, this is sheer obstinacy There’s no room
for me here There’s not even a room that I can make
into a study

Caroline Oh, yes, there is There’s that very nice little
room behind the dining-room

Robert [Indignantly ] It looks out on a blank wall

Caroline That’s just why I thought it would do so well
for a study There’ll be nothing to distract your thoughts

Robert You’ve told me a hundred times you could do
nothing with it — it was like an ice-box in winter and like
a furnace in summer Really, if you have no more
affection for me than that

Caroline It isn’t a matter of affection, it’s a matter of
commonsense Your house is very nice for a bachelor

Robert ^Interrupting} Thank you

Caroline But it’s quite unsuitable for a woman There are
no cupboards

Robert Now you’re making difficulties, Caroline Cup-
boards can be built

Caroline And which room have you settled for my
boudoir 5 The coal-cellar 5 It’s preposterous

Robert [With temper ] I’m not going to argue the matter,
Caroline I’ve made up my mind and there’s an end of it

Caroline [Quite decidedly ] I happen to have made up my
mind too

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE I93

Robert When I was waiting for you just now I decided
exactly how to arrange matters You shall have the best
bedroom, of course

Caroline It hasn’t any sun, I know it

Robert f With dignity ] It is the room that my poor Aunt
Charlotte died in, Caroline

Caroline That doesn’t make it any pleasanter for me to
live in

Robert My dear Caroline, I cannot understand your attitude

Caroline It’s quite simple I’m pleased with my house and
I’m going to stick to it

Robert It’s fortunate that I’m the most patient man in the
world It’s obvious that a woman comes to her husband’s
house

Caroline I don’t see why at all

Robert My dear, it’s one of the best-established customs
of the human race We have Biblical authority for it
A woman is enjoined to forsake all and follow her
husband

Caroline You don’t know what you’re talking about
Before you quote the Bible I recommend you to read it

Robert [Fuming ] Really, Caroline, I must protest against
the tone you’re taking up I am discussing the matter in
the most friendly spirit

Caroline [Furious ] Surely you’re not going to accuse me
of being acrimonious You said just now we’d never
quarrelled Believe me, it isn’t because you haven’t
given me abundant provocation

Robert I think we’ll resume the conversation when you’re
a little calmer, Caroline You’ll only say things now
which you’ll regret later

Caroline Don’t think for an instant you can impress me by
being patronising, Robert I have no wish to resume the
conversation I’ve already said all I had to say.

ACT II

294 THE UNATTAINABLE

Robert The great thing is that we should clearly under-
stand one another I am prepared to gratify all your
whims, however unreasonable they may be, and heaven
knows, for the most part they’re unreasonable enough,
but this is a matter of principle I mean to begin as I
mean to go on I wish you to put this house in the
agent’s hands at once
Caroline I shall do nothing of the sort
Robert Caroline, I have put my request in the most
courteous and obliging way possible, but I do not
expect it to be disregarded

Caroline I presume you are talking for your own enter-
tainment, you’re certainly not talking for mine
Robert Let me make myself quite clear, Caroline I refuse
to come and live m this house

Caroline That is unfortunate, because nothing will induce
me to come and live in yours
Robert Perhaps you’d like to think the matter over
Caroline No, thank you I’ve quite made up my mind If
you want to marry me you must come and live here
Robert I will not marry you unless you consent to live in
my house

Caroline Very well That settles it
Robert Take care, Caroline I’ve proposed twice now I
shall not propose a third time
Caroline I wouldn’t marry you now if you crawled on
your bended knees from the Tower of London to
Buckingham Palace

Robert In that case the marriage is off, Caroline
Caroline I was willing to sacrifice myself, but it’s a little
too much to expect that all the sacrificing should be on
my side

Robert Sacrifice, you call it I was marrying you out of
pure good nature.

ACT II THE UNATTAINABLE J95

Caroline Good heavens, what an escape I’ve hadl I might
have been chained to you for life

Robert It shows what women are Even the ablest men
are children in their hands I’ve known vou ten years,
Caroline, and this is the first time you’ve shown yourself
in your true colours

Caroline I’ve always known that you were selfish, vain
and dyspeptic, but I shut my eyes to it I’ve been
pumshed I didn’t like you the first time I saw \ ou It’s
always a mistake not to trust to first impressions

Robert In that case, I’m surprised that you threw yourself
at my head in the way you did

Caroline Thank heaven, my eyes are opened at last! And
as to throwing myself at your head, I would never have
looked at you if you hadn’t pestered me with your
attentions

Robert [Ironically ] I suppose you were sorry for me^

Caroline No, but I knew you were safe And I can’t
imagine anything more ridiculous in a man than that

Robert [Boiling ] Oh! oh! I will never speak to you again,
Caroline

Caroline You don’t think I wish to continue our acquaint-
ance, do you^

Robert Have you anything more to say to me?

Caroline Only this Perhaps you’d like to meditate over
it If you were the only man in the world I wouldn’t
marry you

Robert Caroline, I can truthfully say that if I had to choose
between the altar and the scaffold I would undoubtedly
choose the scaffold Good-bye

Caroline* Good riddance! [He ts going to the door Suddenly
the telephone hell rings They both give a gasp They look
at one another in dismay The bell rings firmly ] It’s Maude.

Robert Good God! I’d forgotten about her

ACT II

I96 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline What shall I do 5
Robert Pm off, Caroline
Caroline You coward! You can’t leave me like that
Robert Well, you’d better answer it
Caroline You answer it, Robert You’re a man.

Robert I daren’t, Caroline

[Meanwhile the hell rings persistently , angrily
Caroline For goodness’ sake, stop it ringing!

Robert It’ll never stop till you answer
Caroline I wish to heaven I’d never had the telephone put
in

Robert I always disliked Maude
Caroline She’s a detestable woman!

Robert I can’t imagine why you ever put up with her

Caroline I hate her, I hate her! [Desperately ] For good-
ness’ sake, stop that ringing!

Robert Take the receiver off
Caroline You take it off, Robert
Robert Caroline

Caroline Oh, Robert, if you’ve ever loved me
Robert I’ll do it

[He creeps towards the table as though it were a beast that
might bite, he stalks it carefully , stealthily , then with a
sudden bound leaps on to the telephone and snatches the
receiver off Caroline gives a shriek He bounds back
and they are close together She clings to him They
tremble with fear

Robert I’ve done it

Caroline Don’t leave me, Robert

Robert No, I won’t leave you

Caroline Oh, Robert, I shall never forget this

ACT II

THE UNATTAINABLE

197

Robert She thinks we’re listening She’s talking at her end
now I expect she’s getting angry She’s making a
scene

Caroline Oh, Robert, I wonder what she’s saying*
Robert Can’t you guess^

Caroline Thank God, the chain is on the door! She’ll be
round in ten minutes

[They look at one another in dismay
Robert It’s no good, Caroline We’ve got to get married
Caroline I know Rut what is to be done-* You must
think of some way out, Robert
Robert There’s only one We must give up both houses
and take a new one

Caroline But I like my house, Robert
Robert I like mine

Caroline It’ll be a wrench for both of us That’s some
comfort

Robert Our first sacrifice on the altar of connubial bliss
Caroline You’ll let me decorate the new house, Robert
Robert All except the bathroom Give me that as a
wedding-present

Caroline I tell you what, we’ll each have a bathroom.

You can have yours like a tube station
Robert And you shall have one like an attack of gastritis
Caroline [With a sigh ] If it’s got to be done it had better
be done at once I’ll rmg up the house agent

[She takes up the telephone-hook and looks out an address
Robert Shall we be married by special licence^

Caroline I haven’t an idea

Robert I think I’ll just go round to the club Petersen is
sure to be there, and he’s had a lot of experience in these
matters There’s no reason why I shouldn’t ask him
that

198 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT H

Caroline Oh, how did the divorce go^

Robert First rate I think it’ll last for four or five days
Neither of them will have a shred of reputation by the
time it’s over

Caroline [At the telephone ] Mayfair 148 Are you Messrs
Gaskell and BirchP I vant to let my house I can’t
say it all on the telephone Will you send somebody
round No At once Where^ Oh, Mrs Ashley,
Curzon Terrace, Regent’s Park

[She puts down the receiver
Robert Is there anything more you want to say to me ? I’ll
be back presently to tell you what I’ve found out
Caroline Before dinner^

Robert Oh, yes By the way, about dinner Don’t you
think we need cheering up a biP I’m afraid it would be
rather dull dining by ourselves
Caroline I think it would rather
Robert Why don’t you ask Isabella^

Caroline Rex Cunningham is dining with her I might ask
him too, and we can play bridge
Robert Oh, yes, that’ll be jolly [Caroline takes out her
patience cards ] What are you going to do now^

Caroline Oh, I’ll have a game of patience
Robert Yes, do It’ll rest you

[He goes towards the door

Caroline Robert
Robert Yes^

Caroline It’s emeralds I like, you know
Robert I’m glad you reminded me

[He goes out She begins to put out her patience cards

END OF THE SECOND ACT

THE THIRD ACT

Scene the same It ts ten minutes later

[Caroline is finishing her game of patience Cooper
shorn in Dr Cornish

Cooper Dr Cornish

[Exit

Caroline This is a joyful surprise I’ve torn up your
prescription

Dr Cornish How on earth do you expect a doctor to make
a living if you won’t take medicine! You’ll remain
perfectly well

Caroline You didn’t talk like that just now

Dr Cornish That was a visit This is a calL

Caroline I hesitate to ask his reason

Dr Cornish You need not I was just going to tell you
I’m devoured with curiosity

Caroline That isn’t one of the fadings that middle-age
eradicates^

Dr Cornish Tell me, which has won, romance or common-
sensed Are you going to marry Robert Oldham or Rex
Cunningham^

Caroline My dear doctor, Rex Cunningham is a mere boy

Dr Cornish Oh, I’ve known those marriages turn our
very well My last cook married the lad who came m to
do the boots and knives, and they’re very happy. At
least I haven’t heard anything to the contrary

Caroline I wonder how she worked it

Dr Cornish The pokey of nag, I believe.

199

200 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT III

Caroline I’ve promised to marry Robert Oldham
Dr Cornish Then it only remains for me to congratulate
you

Caroline One comfort is that my friends will have to give
me wedding-presents I get back on them that way,
don’t P

Dr Cornish I’m sure you’ll be very happy
Caroline ['. Tartly ] I’m sure I shall be nothing of the sort
Dr Cornish Don’t jump down my throat
Caroline You know I’m very fond of Robert I don’t
want to lose him
Dr Cornish Is that inevitable^

Caroline Haven’t you noticed that other people’s bread-
and-butter is always much nicer than your own ? Robert
is like that He always prefers somebody else’s fireside
If I marry him, where is he going to spend his evenings^
Dr Cornish I only see one way out of it You must marry
somebody else

Caroline I believe it’s the only way I can keep Robert It’s
very hard if you come to think of it
Dr Cornish Especially on the innocent victim.

Caroline Whom d’you think I’d better marry^

Dr Cornish Let us exa min e your circle of friends and see
who would meet your requirements
Caroline [With a twinkle in her eye] I don’t think it ought
to be anyone too young
Dr Cornish No, a man of a certain age
Caroline I rather like grey hair, don’t you?

Dr Cornish A professional man, of course
Caroline Oh, yes, I’d like him to have interests in common
with Robert

Dr Cornish He oughtn’t to be a barrister It would be
such a bore for you if they talked shop together*

ACT in

THE UNATTAINABLE

201

Caroline I don’t see why he shouldn’t be a doctor

Dr Cornish Yes, I don’t think that’s a bad idea And of
course if he had a pretty large practice it would keep him
busy, wouldn’t it^

Caroline Yes Now, there’s only one thing more I think
he ought to be a great friend of Roberts

Dr Cornish Obviously that would make matters much
simpler Now, let us think I wonder who there is

Caroline Don’t bother. Dr Cornish I’ve already made
up my mind

Dr Cornish God bless my soul, you’re very quick,

Caroline You are going to marry me

Dr Cornish [With great decision] No, I’m not

Caroline Now, my dear friend, don’t be unreasonable
You meet the requirements in a manner that I can only
describe as miraculous

Dr Cornish My dear lady, let us put things in their places
I am your medical attendant, not an aspirant to your
hand

Caroline Oh, but you said j ust now that this was a call and
not a visit

Dr Cornish We can easily settle that I will charge you
half a guinea, and that makes it a visit

Caroline I thought you were a man of the world

Dr Cornish If that means getting out of an awkward
predicament gracefully, I flatter myself I am

Caroline No, it doesn’t It means accepting the inevitable
with elegance

Dr Cornish The inevitable is only what a fool has not the
wit to avoid \ f

Caroline Believe me, when a woman really makes up her
mind to marry a man nothing on God’s earth can save
him

101 THE UNATTAINABLE ACT III

Da Cornish No one is more conscious than I of your
advantages I am sure any man would be lucky to get
you, but you know Fm very modest I don’t deserve so
much happiness

Caroline Your diffidence gives you a new charm in my
eyes It shall be the object of my life to prove you
mistaken

Dr Cornish I have too much affection for you to consent
for an instant to your wastmg your efforts on so unworthy
an object

Caroline Ah, then you have an affection for me
Dr Cornish A purely medical affection, if I may so put it
Caroline Good heavens, it sounds like mumps
Dr Cornish You know, you should have had that
prescription made up I told you you needed soothing

Caroline I find you soothing That’s one of the reasons
why I consent to marry you

Dr Cornish Don’t let us lose sight of the point that I
haven’t asked you
Caroline Well, do
Dr Cornish You might accept me
Caroline I undoubtedly should
Dr Cornish Then I don’t think I’U risk it.

Caroline You’d better It will only be embarrassing for
both of us if I have to make the proposal
Dr Cornish I can always say no
Caroline Oh, but I wouldn’t take a refusal
Dr Cornish You’re a perfect monster of determination.

Caroline When I think of Robert’s great affection for me,
I’m prepared for anything

Dr Cornish I don’t wish to seem brutal, but I really must
tell you that in my heart of hearts I am completely
indifferent to Robert’s affection for you

ACT in THE UNATTAINABLE 205

Caroline I thought he was a great friend of yours
Dr Cornish He is

Caroline Then you must want to make him happy I’m
sure he’d like you to be my husband
Dr Cornish You’re putting me in a very embarrassing
position

Caroline I wonder if you know how very pleasant it is to
be married

Dr Cornish I’m sure it’s delightful for those who like it
Caroline There are a hundred ways in which a woman can
make a man comfortable

Dr Cornish There are a thousand and one in which she
can do the reverse

Caroline I always think there’s something rather cold and
cheerless about a house that lacks a woman’s touch
Dr Cornish How true* I feel quite sure that if you put
that before Robert as persuasively as you have before me
he will realize how very lucky he is to be going to marry
you

Caroline Pray, don’t be flippant You are going to marry
me

Dr Cornish No
Caroline Yes

Dr Cornish [With a smik ] After all, you can’t force me.
Caroline I can make life intolerable to you unless you do.
Dr Cornish You’re a very dangerous woman
Caroline But you’re a very brave man
Dr Cornish I can’t help thinking that Robert would look
upon it as a very unfriendly action on my part
Caroline Only for a moment He’d soon realize that we’d
only had his happiness in view
Dr Cornish If you find a husband so essential, why were,
you so careless as to lose your last?

ACT III

204 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline 1 never knew what a useful article it was about a
house

Dr Cornish It doesn’t inspire confidence, you know
Caroline I’ll be more careful with you
Dr Cornish [With a chuckle ] It would be an awful sell for
him, wouldn’t iP

Caroline Can’t you see his face when you tell hnxP
Dr Cornish [< Considering her ] Of course, you’re a verv
charming woman.

Caroline People have thought so

Dr Cornish [Impulsively \ I think Robert’s a fool He
should never have hesitated
Caroline He shouldn’t have, should he^

Dr Cornish It would serve him jolly well right if someone
stepped over his head and seized the opportunity that he
hadn’t the courage to take

Caroline I’d rather you spoke of me as a prize than as an
opportunity That suggests a remnant at a sale

[Hi? gives her a long look There is a twinkle m his eye
Dr Cornish Caroline, will you be my wife^

Caroline P [For a moment she is surprised , but she quicklj
recmrs herself ] I hardly know what to say to you This
is so unexpected It never entered my head that you —
that you cared for me [ She takes the plunge with deter-
mination ] Yes, I will be your wife
Dr Cornish I’ve always thought it would be very nice to
have someone on whom I could experiment with new
medicines when they’re put on the market
Caroline [Somewhat taken aback ] Oh! How have you
managed up till now^

Dr. Cornish [Blandly ] I’ve generally tned them on the
maids, but they have no interest in science, they will give
me their notice But, of course, you couldn’t do that,
could you^

ACT III THE IN ATTAINABLE ZO%

Caroline I haven’t got a very great interest in science
myself

Dr Cornish Oh, but it’ll come I’m sure vou won’t
hesitate at a trifling inconvenience when vou realize now
much it means to me

Caroline [Pun mg her bps ] If there are anv other duties
which you expect of me, I hope ^ ou’ll tell me at once

Dr Cornish I don’t know that there are Of coarse, you’ll
have to lead a very retired life People don’t much like
meeting their doctor’s wife, they’re always afraid she
knows too much about their insides In fact, the most
desirable thing is that she should be a confirmed invalid

Caroline I imagine that would follow almost automatically
on a course of medicine s whose properties vou were
entirely unfamiliar with

Dr Cornish That is one of those admirable contrivances
which confirm one in the belief that the world is not a
matter of pure chance

Caroline [Shaking off the doubts which his remarks have
suggested ] Oh, well, I don’t care When I think of the
faces they’ll all make when you tell them the news,
everything is worth while

Dr Cornish I see the joke from your point of view much
more than from mine

Caroline Isabella will think it very touching and she’ll
probably kiss you

Dr Cornish She’s a very pretty young woman

Caroline Maude will think I’ve behaved abominably, and
she’ll tell me so wnth gusto But Robert — I wonder
what Robert will look like I’m going to telephone to
Isabella [She touches the belli They’ve spent a happy day
here to please themselves Now it’s my turn.

Dr Cornish Are you expecting Robert?

H

ACT III

206 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline Yes Dear Robert He went to buv me a ring
[Cooper comes in ] Cooper, ring up Mrs Trench and ask
her to come round at once I have something very
important to tell her

Cooper Very good, ma'am

Exit

Caroline Now listen Maude, if I know her, is on her way
to this house I’m only surprised that she hasn’t come
already Robert can’t be long Then there’s Isabella
You mustn’t say a word till they’re all here Then-

Dr Cornish Yes, what them*

Caroline Then you’ll stand here and you’ll get mto an
appropriate attitude You’ll try and look merry and
bright, won’t you?

Dr. Cornish Oh, d’you think so? I should have thought
an air of stem resolution would be more to the point

Caroline Remember that you’ve loved me in secret for
seven years

Dr Cornish It’s the seven which seems to me a little
difficult to indicate on my face

Caroline Then you’ll say to them My dear friends, I have
a communication to impart which will be in the nature of
a surprise to all of you Caroline has consented to be my
wife And then we’ll see what happens

Dr Cornish I see

Caroline What d’you think will happen?

[Enter CoomR, followed by Miss Fulton

Cooper Miss Fulton.

[Exit

Maude Well, Caroline Oh, how do you do again. Dr
Cornish? [To Caroline ] Is anything the matterwithyou?

Caroline [Mysteriously ] No Dr Cornish hasn’t come to
see me about my health

ACT in THE UNATTAINABLE 207

Dr Cornish No

Maude Where is Robert?

Caroline He’s gone out

]\La.ude You ha\ en’t sent him away?

Caroline He did what you wished, Maude

!Maude [With triumph ] Ah I knew it only needed a little
firmness and everything could be put right

Caroline Maude, something has happened which puts an
entirely different complexion on things

Maude [Suddenly suspicious ] What on earth do you mean?
Dr Cornish!

Dr Cornish All in good time, my dear lady

Maude Isn’t everything all right?

Caroline It depends on what you mean by all right*

Maude My dear

Caroline You must wait till Robert comes It’s only fair
that nobody should know before he does [To Dr
Cornish ] Don’t you agree with me?

Dr Cornish Perfectly

Maude By the way, have you had an answer to the telegram
you sent to Nairobi?

Caroline No, I haven’t yet

[Cooper comes m to announce Robert Oldham and then
goes out

Cooper Mr Oldham!

Caroline [Cordially ] Ah, Robert, I’ve been wondering
what had happened to you

Robert Good God, there’s Maude,

Caroline And Dr Cornish

Robert Hulloal I’ve not seen you for a long time* What
d’you think of the news?

Caroline Dr Cornish has some news, too, Robert.

ACT III

208 THE UNATTAINABLE

Maude If I am not told it soon I shall have an attack of
hysterics

Robert I’ve seen Petersen, Caroline
Caroline You shall tell me what he said later
Robert You’re very strange, Caroline
Caroline Y ou must have a mo ment’s patience
Maude Why^

Caroline I want Isabella to be here She takes such an
interest m me I feel that she, too, should know some-
thing that makes so great a difference to my future
Robert [Somewhat irritably ] I don’t understand I hate
mysteries

Dr Cornish I have something to tell you which is very
important, but Mrs Ashley does not wish me to break it
to you till all her friends are gathered round her
Caroline Exactly

Maude I like mysteries, but I hate suspense
Robert Oh, Cornish, has Caroline told you what we’ve
decided on

Dr Cornish She’s told me that you wish to marry her
Robert You know I’ve been devoted to her for years
Caroline We need not go into that now, Robert
Maude I’m beginning to grow very uneasy

[Enter Cooper

Cooper Mrs Trench and Mr Cunningham

[They enter

Caroline At last

Isabella What is the matter, Caroline^ Fortunately Rex
was at my door He was just going to take me for a drive
in the Park

Caroline His two-seater is so useful, isn’t it^

Isabella So I made him bring me here at once Has
anything happened^ Your message has made me
dreadfully anxious

ACT in

THE UNATTAINABLE

209

Rex We’re both dreadfully anxious, Caroline

C^rolese What is it. Cooper^

Cooper There’s a gentleman called He says he has an
appointment with you, ma’am

Caroline [Taking the card ] Gaskell and Birch Oh, 1
know, they’re the house agents

Robert Of course You rang them up just before I left
you Cooper can take him round the house

Caroline Thank the gentleman for coming, Cooper, and
say I’m sorry to have troubled him* I shan’t be wanting
to let my house just yet after all

Robert [. Astounded ] CaroLne*

Caroline That’s all. Cooper

Cooper Very good, ma’am

[E\it

Robert What is the meaning of this^ You agreed that you
would get rid of your house If you’ve changed your
mind, Caroline

Caroline Wait one moment, Robert Now, dear Doctor, 1
think the time has arrived Will you tell them — every-
thing^

Dr Cornish [Stepping forward} Yes My dear friends, I
have a communication to impart which will be in the
nature of a surprise to all of you

Isabella I can simply hear my heart beating

Dr Cornish [Looking steadily at Caroline] Stephen
Ashley walked out of this room exactly five minutes ago

All WhaP

[No one is more taken aback than Caroline Dr
Cornish watches her with extreme , but mward y
entertainment

Dr Cornish I have seen him with my own eyes He’s no
more dead than I am*

110

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT in

Rex My had

Isabella I don’t understand Caroline!

Caroline No one can be more flabbergasted than I
Dr Cornish It’s not the first time his death has been
announced When I came in and found him 1 was hardly
surprised

Caroline I don’t know if I’m standing on my head or on
my heels

Dr Cornish He can very easily live for twenty years
Caroline D’you think he wilP
Dr Cornish If proper care is taken of him
Maude My poor Caroline, what a disappointment for you
Dr Cornish You must all of you be very gentle with
Caroline [To Caroline] I can only offer you my
sincerest sympathy
Caroline You’re not going^

Dr Cornish [ With a smile ] I’m going to leave you to deal
with the situation as best you can
Caroline [Under her breath ] You brute!

Dr Cornish If a man of the world is one who can get out
of an awkward predicament gracefully Good-bye

[He goes out quickly

Isabella You’re bearing it magnificently
Caroline [Trying not to laugh ] D’you think so^ It’s been an
awful strain I’ve just about reached the end of my
strength I think I’m going to faint
Isabella Robert, open the window You look a perfect
wreck

Caroline [Beginning to giggle ] No, I’m going to have a
nerve storm

Maude Don’t let yourself go, Caroline Don’t let yourself

go

Caroline [Gurgling] I can’t help it

ACT III THE UNATTAINABLE 21 1

[She starts laughing Her laughter grows louder and louaer
They all press round her
All Caroline, Caroline
Caroline It was such a shock 1
Isabella \\Tiere are my smelling saits^

Maude How stupid of me 1

[The two ladies hurriedly take salts jrom their bags and put
them under Caroline’s nose while she helplessly
laughs and laughs

Malde Here are some Slap her hands

[The tn o men take her hands and slap the palms
Robert Stop it, Caroline, stop itl
Isabella Let’s send for the doctor

Maude What’s the good of a doctor^ I know exactly what
to do Slap her feet
Caroline I won’t ha\ e my feet slapped
ftlAUDE Don’t pay any attention to what she says

[While the men continue slapping her hands +be ladies slap
her feet Caroline laugh* uproariously At last she
is exhausted
Caroline Oh, dear f

Maude Now she’s getting better I knew the best thing
was to slap her feet If that doesn’t stop it, then the
thing is to wrap her m a rug and roil her up and down the
floor

Caroline Maude, you cat! Oh, I’m beginning to feel
better

Robert After all, one can’t be surprised, can one^

Maude Good heavens, if my husband suddenly appeared
Lac that I should fall down in a fit
Rex I didn’t know you had a husband
Maude I haven’t That’s why it would be such a terrible
shock

Ill THE UNATTAINABLE ACT III

Isabella Now you must tell us everything, Caroline

Caroline There’s nothing to tell

Maude Nonsense How did he come in^

Caroline On his feetg

Maude Don’t be silly What did he do^ What did he say^
What is he up to^ Where is he going^

Caroline Oh!

[This is a long-drawn sound as she realises what she is ir for
and what she must invent

Robert Don’t worry her Hasn’t she been through enough
already, poor child^

Caroline How good you are to me, Robert!

Maude It can’t hurt you just to give us the bare facts,
Caroline

Caroline Sit down, then, and I will tell you all

[Thej seat themselves on chairs , two on each side of her i
eager for a full account

Robert Now don’t excite yourself, Caroline I beseech
you to be calm

Maude Hold your tongue, Robert

Caroline Well, I was sitting down quite calmly playing a
game of patience Robert had just left me

Robert On what an errandl

Maude I know You had arranged to be married I saw it
at once in Robert’s look My poor Robert!

Robert [Simply ] I had told Caroline I couldn’t live without
her She promised to be mine

Caroline He went out to buy a ring I was wondering if it
would be a cabochon

Robert [ Gloomily ] Would you like to see^

[He takes out of his pocket a large emerald ring

Caroline Oh, Robert, what a beauty! It looks frightfully
expensive.

ACT III THE UNATTAINABLE 21 }

Robert Oh, a mere song I wonder if the^ ’ll take it back
C aroline Don’t bother about that, Robert I w ill keep it as
a memento of our short engagement

[Robert’s face falls

Is abella \\ hat a charming idea, Caroline'

Robert [With a hollow laugh ] There’s no one like Caroline
to have charming ideas like that
Maude Go on, Caroline

Caroline I only wanted a se\en to get mj patience out I
drew a ten of clubs, a three of spades I don’t believe I
shall get it, I said Suddenly Cooper opened the door
and said a gentleman wanted to see me
All Yes, yes 1

[They draw their chairs a little closer
C aroline I thought it was the house agent
Robert Of course You rang him up just before I left
Caroline Oh, Robert, I want to tell \ ou that I thought it
o\er It seemed cruel to make \ou sell your dear little
house After all, a woman should cleave to her husband
I had made up m> mind to get rid of this one, and come
and live in yours

Robert Caroline, were you ready to do that for me ?

The Others Go on, Caroline

Caroline I didn’t hesitate I said to Cooper Show the
gentleman up I went on with my patience Ah, I said,
there’s the seven at last 1 I raised m} eyes, and there was
my husband standing before me
All Oh?

Caroline [ Dramatically ] You, I said Yes, he said Not
dead ? I said No, he said

Maude It’s the most exciting thing I’ve ever heard in my
life

Isabella What did you do then^

ACT III

214 THE UNATTAINABLE

Caroline [Deliberately ] I asked him to sit down

Robert That was splendid You always had presence of
mind, Caroline I like that You asked him to sit
down

Caroline I wanted to gain time I was all in a flutter

Maude Of course, I think it was monstrous of him to come
here at all

Caroline He did it in kindness, Maude He saw the notice
in The Times this morning, and he thought I might be
anxious about him He said he felt the only thing to do
was to come here himself and tell me the announcement
was premature

Isabella But, then, what is the explanation of it?

Caroline The explanation? I’m just coming to that

Robert Really the papers ought to be more careful!

Maude Go on, Caroline, we’re simply hanging on your
words

Caroline I’m not sure, but I think I’m going to have
another nerve storm

Maude Get the hearthrug, Rex That’ll just do to roll her
up in

Caroline No, don’t bother I think it’s going off The
explanation is perfectly simple Just give me a moment
to collect my thoughts You know I’m quite dazed after
all I’ve gone through to-day

Isabella Take your time, dearest

Caroline Well, I may as well confess to you now that pool
Stephen has always been very wild It appears that he
was in with a man called Brown, and they’d been
connected in some deal or other which I’m afraid was
dreadfully shady Of course, I didn’t ask for details
It’s all rather vague in my mind

Robert That’s only natural

ACT in THE IN ATTAINABLE Z 1 5

Maude Oh, be quiet, Robert

Caroline They had a row, and Brown bolted with all
Stephen’s belongings, his papers, his kit, everything
Then I don’t know exactly what happened Brown
seems to have been taken suddenly ill When he was
brought to the hospital he was unconscious They
found Stephen’s papers on him and naturally concluded
he was Stephen

Maude I see it all It’s a thing that might happen to
anybody

Caroline [Eagerfy] Yes, isn’t it* Stephen saw the an-
nouncement in this morning’s Times He grasped the
whole situation I don’t think he’s sorry the authorities
in East Africa should believe him dead He’s made up
his mind to go to Texas Stephen Ashley is dead to
everyone but me

Maude At all events, you’ve seen him for the last time,
Caroline That’s something to be thankful for

Caroline I suppose so

Robert What do you mean by that* Aren’t you sure of it*

Caroline There’s one other thing I must tell you I hardly
know how to say it He still loves me

Rex Caroline

Caroline He asked me to go to Texas

All You!

Caroline He’s going to start a new life He said I should
give him confidence m himself He implored me to go
with him

Robert But of course you refused, Caroline*

Caroline I was obliged to refuse Then he said that I
would be an inspiration to him He would do everything
in the world to make amends for the past He would
make himself a new man, and then he would come back
for me

216 the unattainable act id

Isabella It’s really very beautiful

Robert And where do I come id?

Caroline I can never marry you, Robert

Robert Caroline, you fill me with anguish • I must be
alone for a moment I don’t want to be unmanly

[He gets up and walks slowly to the window He stands
there struggling with his emotions Rex is sunk m
blank wretchedness

Maude Well, Isabella, we did all we could We at all events
have nothing to reproach ourselves with

Isabella Poor Robert My heart bleeds for him There’s
something singularly awe-inspiring in the sight of a
strong man wrestling with his emotion

Maude It’s not often that I confess myself beaten, but this
time I really am at a loss Good-bye, Caroline I’ll ring
up this evening to see how you are

Caroline Good-bye, dearest I * can never thank you
enough for all you’ve done for me to-day

[They kiss , and Miss Fulton goes out

Isabella I must leave you too, Caroline, but I’d just like to
say a word or two to Robert before I go It’s just at these
times that a man values a woman’s sympathy

Caroline Oh, do, Isabella I know what a heart you have
[Isabella goes up to Robert and puts her hand gently on his
arm He heaves a sigh and gently pats her hand She looks up at
him softly They step out on to the balcony Caroline and
Rex have watched the little comedy ] At it again Dear
Isabella, she’s so sympathetic

Rex [ Gloomily ] If there’s anyone in want of sympathy now
it’s me

Caroline Is anything the matter^

Rex Can you ask me that? Oh, Caroline everything is the
matter I love you

ACT HI THE UNATTAINABLE 21J

Caroline Oh, you mustn’t saj that to me no*. Res — so
loud

Rex This changes everything

Caroline I suppose it does I ne\ er thought of it

Rex You ne\er thought of me at all Oh, Caroline, you
must be quite heartless Has anyone e\ er lo\ ed } ou as
unselfishly as I have?

Caroline Now that I have one man with a marriage
certificate m his hand, so to speak, and another with a
special licence m his pocket, it does make a difference,
doesn’t it?

Rex My position is absolutely intolerable

Caroline [With a sigh of selfsatisf iction ] I am the un-
attainable

Ren [. Absorb°d in himself ] Oh, how I’m going to suffer
Fm going to endure absolute agonies

Caroline [In exactly the same condition ] I am young I am
beautiful I am desired

Ren You’re not paying any attention to me I adore you,
Caroline

Caroline [Looking away modestly J I can never love you,
Rex

Ren Are you quite, quite sure of that, Caroline?

Caroline Quite, quite

Rex [With a sigh of satisfaction ] My heart’s never been so
broken as this time It’ll take me all my life to piece it
together again You do believe in my love now, don’t
you?

Caroline Oh, yes A woman has such quick intuition I
know that you love me

Rex I shall pass sleepless night after sleepless night

Caroline I can hardly bear to think of it

Rex And there’s nothing you can do, is there?

218

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT III

Caroline Nothing

Rex [With immense enjoyment} I’m simply going to have a
rotten time

Caroline It’s wonderful to be capable of such love
Rex Yes, Fm like that I never knew anyone who could
suffer as I can

Caroline It’s only those who can who are worthy of a
great love

Rex Do you think it would be unmanly of me to cry^
Caroline I shouldn’t like you to do it here
Rex Oh, no I’ll keep a stiff upper lip as long as I’m with
you But to-morrow morning I shouldn’t wonder at all
if my pillow was sopping
Caroline Have you a waterproof sheet^

Rex Yes I never travel without one
Caroline [Giving him her hand ] I wish you could marry
some nice pure young English girl
Rex With a bit of moneys I can never forget you, Caroline
Why are you giving me your hand^

Caroline [With emotion ] I thought you were going away

Rex I can’t leave you like this We must talk this over
thoroughly I’ve got masses of things I want to say
to you

Caroline Not now, Rex I’m shattered by all this emotion*
Rex Well, when can I see you again?

Caroline I’m afraid I’m dreadfully full up this week
Rex Caroline, have pity on me

Caroline Of course, if you hadn’t been engaged to-night
you might have come and dined here

Rex But I’m not engaged to-night

Caroline I thought you were dining with Isabella.

Rex I can dine with Isabella any night.

ACT in THE UNATTAINABLE 219

Caroline Won’t she be hurt if you throw her over 5

Rex To tell you the truth, Caroline, I don’t think Fm
going to get on with Isabella
Caroline D’you find her too . . . too mdtmg*

Rex My dear Caroline, she’s like butter on a hot day No,
no, too many tears have been wept on that bosom, Fm
not going to bedew it with mine
Caroline In that case dinner at eight sharp.

Rex I’ll come, Caroline if nothing unfortunate has
happened to me before then

Caroline Oh, be careful, I’ve got quite a nice little dinner
Rex [Gloomily ] What have you got 5
Caroline I’ve got some fresh caviare It’s just arrived
from Russia

Rex I could eat nothing In happier moments I don’t deny
that I like caviare

Caroline And I’ve got a little turtle soup
Rex I might try to swallow a little turtle soup
Caroline [Softly ] Don’t let anything happen before dinner
Rex I suppose you haven’t got grilled salmon?

Caroline No, turbot

Rex [Desperately ] Everything goes against me

Caroline On the other hand, I’ve got some dear little baby
chickens just out of their shells It seems almost unkind
to eat them when so young

Rex I dare say they’ve been saved a lot of unhappiness
Caroline. And then nothing but a strawberry ice
Rex I shouldn’t wonder if I could eat the ice.

Caroline Then you’ll come?

Rex [With a deep sigh ] If it’ll give you any pleasure. A
dinner-jacket or a white tie 5
Caroline A dinner-jacket

220

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT ni

Rex All right Good-bye I I can’t say good-bye tc
the others I’m in such a fearful state of agitation

[Exit Isabella hears the door close and comes back
mto the room

Isabella Has Res gone? He was going to drive me home

Caroline How stupid of him! I suppose he forgot

Isabella I’ll get a taxi I want to leave you alone with
Robert He’s dreadfully upset, Caroline

Caroline Is he ?

Isabella I’ve been trying to console him a little

Caroline Yes, I saw you

Isabella Be very gentle with him, Caroline Be tender

Caroline I shall never find the exquisite things to say to
him that you would, Isabella

Isabella He says I have a wonderful gift of sympathy

Caroline [With a sigh] I wonder if you’d come and dine
with me to-night^

Isabella I’m afraid I’ve asked Rex

Caroline I’m sure he doesn’t need you half as much as
I do

Isabella Oh, if you need me, Caroline, of course I’ll come
Somehow I felt you’d want me to-night We’ll have
a good cry together, darling

Caroline Oh, that will be nice

Isabella Good-bye till then, dearest, I suppose I’d better
put on a tea-gown

Caroline Oh, yes, that’ll be very suitable Dinner at eight
sharp

Isabella Only an egg for me, Caroline

[She goes out Robert hears her last word as he comes
mto the room

Robert When is she going to eat an egg?

ACT III THE UNATTAINABLE 221

Caroline For dinner

Robert How disgusting 1 Where**

Caroline Here

Robert You don’t mean to say you’ve invited her to
dinner*

Caroline Yes

Robert Why on earth have you done that 5

Caroline You asked me to

Robert I never did anything of the sort Really, Caroline,
you are too inconsiderate

Caroline I thought you wanted to play bridge afterwards

Robert Bridge! You might have known that this evening
of all others I’d want to be alone with you Lpon tn\
word, it’s too callous!

Caroline Oh, Robert

Robert I’m staggering under the bitterest disappointment
of my life I’m utterly miserable The only thing that
consoled me was the thought of having a quiet et emng
alone with }ou so that we could have a good talk And
you bring that cackling woman along

Caroline I thought you were so fond of her

Robert You know perfectly well that for ten years I’ve
been supremely indifferent to e\ ery woman in the world
but you

Caroline [She begins to understand ] Oh! [With a smile]
It’s very nice of you to say so, dear Robert

Robert Caroline, I don’t know how I’m going to bear it
I feel as if the earth were tottering under my teet*

Caroline You must have patience, Robert*

Robert Patience! I’ve had patience for ten years And
now just when the reward was put into my hands it’s
snatched away

222

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT ni

Caroline You know, I expected you to be rather relieved
at hearing that my husband was alive

Robert P My dear Caroline, have you gone out of your
min rP

Caroline You weren’t so very anxious to marry me this
morning

Robert Nonsense, Caroline You know very well that I’ve
always been anxious to marry you

Caroline You dissembled with some skill, Robert

Robert I will be perfectly frank with you, Caroline At
the first moment I was a little startled It meant begin-
ning a new life and the change of all my habits But
that was only a natural hesitation When you accepted
me I knew I’d achieved the dearest wish of my heart
Caroline, I’ve never wanted to marry you as much as
I do now

Caroline Don’t you think I’m a little old to marry^

Robert You?

Caroline It has occurred to me sometimes that I’m not
quite so young as I was A spiteful person might say
I was almost middle-aged!

Robert What nonsense! Why, you haven’t reached your
prime yet

Caroline Are you sure you see no change in me 5

Robert None This morning I thought perhaps you were
almost looking your age But now, I don’t know what’s
happened to you, you look radiant You’ve not been
making up, have you ?

Caroline Oh, no, I never do that

Robert, You look eighteen You’re ravishing If I hadn’t
been madly in love with you for ten years I should fall
in love with you this afternoon.

ACT III THE UNATTAINABLE ZZ 3

Caroline It makes me feel so happy to hear you say tnat

Robert Oh, it’s cruel that this man should come back just
when we’d fixed everything up I want to be married
to you, Caroline Why shouldn’t we take the matter
m our own hands and force the wretched fellow to
divorce you^

Caroline We’ve discussed that so often and we’ve decided
it was impossible We’re slaves of our past, our circum-
stances, and our surroundings It can’t be done, Robert

Robert D’you mean to say we must go on like this?

Caroline Are you sure we’re not happier as we are^ We
can keep our ideals in one another Who knows what
painful surprises marriage might bring us p You might
find me flirtatious and exacting I might discover you
were selfish and comfort-loving

Robert Hang it all, Caroline, I’m not selfish I have a
passion for self-sacrifice

Caroline Nothing is so pleasant as to think of the sacrifices
that one will never have to make

Robert Caroline, you don’t know how I love you

Caroline Our love has lasted very long, Robert Don’t
you think a closer connection might give it all sorts of
little nibs and wrenches till there was nothing of it left?
One may reasonably ask one thing of life, that it
shouldn’t tear rents in the illusions it creates Illusion
may be the foundation of all our happiness, but even if
it is illusion let us keep it

Robert You may talk, but that man can’t live for ever

Caroline He has a wonderful physique

Robert Next time he dies, I shall seize you by the hair
your head and drag you to the altar

Caroline He’ll see us both out I’m conscious that
lives now with a new and different life. It may be

ZH

THE UNATTAINABLE

ACT III

he’s necessary for our happiness So, I cannot fade and
you will ever love My husband has been found [With
immense decision ] And now, Robert, he will never die
Robert Caroline, I adore you

[He clasps her tn his arms
The End

HOME AND BEAUTY

A FARCE
tn Three Acts

CHARACTERS

William, a hero

Frederick, another

Victoria, a dear little thing

Mr Leicester Paton, a wangler

Mr A B Raham, a solicitor

Miss Montmorency, a maiden lady

Mrs Shuttleworth, a mother-in-law

Miss Dennis, a manicurist

Mrs Pogson, a respectable ^omao

Taylor, a parlourmaid

Nannie, a nurse

Clarence, a boy

The action of the play takes place at Victories house a
Westminster towards the end of November 9 1918.

HOME AND BEAUTY

THE FIRST ACT

The scene is Victoria’s bedroom It is the kind of bedroom
which ts only used to sleep tn } and but for the bed , with its
hangings and its beautiful coverlet > and the great lacquer
dressing-table , crowded with the necessary aids to feminine
beauty , might just as well be a sitting-room There are grateful
pieces of furniture here and there , attractive pictures on the
walls , flowers it is all very comfortable y luxurious and
modish In the fire-place a bright fire ts burning

Victoria, a pretty little thing in a lovely “ confection which

ts partly tea-gown and partly dr es sing-gown , is lying on a
sofa having her hands manicured Miss Dennis, the mani-
curist , is a neat y trim person of twenty-five She has a slight
cockney accent

Miss Dennis [ Evidently ending a long story ] And so at last
I said to him Oh, very well, ’ave it your own way

Victoria One has to in the end, you know

Miss Dennis He’d asked me five times, and I really got
tired of saying no And then, you see, in my business
you get to know all the ms and outs of married life, and
my impression is that, in the long run, it don’t really
matter very much who you marry

Victoria Oh, I do so agree with you there It all depends
on yourself When my first husband was killed poor
darhng, I went all to pieces My bust simply went to
nothing 1 couldn’t wear a low dress for months

Miss Dennis How dreadful

229

ACT I

23O HOME AND BEAUTY

Victoria I simply adored him But you know, Fm just
as fond of my second husband

Miss Dennis You must have one of those loving natures

Victoria Of course, I should never survive it if anything
happened to my present husband, but if anything did
— touch wood — you know, I couldn’t help myself, Fd
just have to marry again, and I know Fd love my third
husband just as much as I loved the other two

Miss Dennis [Stgbmg ] Love is a wonderful thing

Victoria Oh, wonderful Of course, Fd wait the year
I waited the year when my first was killed

Miss Dennis Oh yes, I think one always ought to wait the
year

Victoria I noticed you had an engagement ring on the
moment you came in

Miss Dennis I didn’t really ought to wear it durmg business
hours, but I like to feel it’s there

Victoria I know the feeling so well You turn it round
under your glove, and you say to yourself Well, that’s
settled Is he nice-looking?

Miss Dennis Well, he’s not what you might call exactly
handsome, but he’s got a mce face

Victoria Both my husbands have been very handsome
men You know, people say it doesn’t matter what a
man looks like, but that’s all nonsense There’s nothing
shows a woman off like a good-look mg man

Miss Dennis He’s very fair

Victoria Of course, it’s all a matter of taste, but I don’t
think I should like that myself They always say fair
men are deceitful Both my husbands were dark, and
they both had the D S O

Miss Dennis That’s funny, isn’t n?

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY Z$l

Victoria I flatter myself there are not many women
who’ve been married to two DSO’s I think I’ve done
my bit

Miss Dennis I should just think you had If it’s not asking
too much, I should like to know which of them you
liked best

Victoria Well, you know, I really can’t say
Miss Dennis Of course, I haven’t had the experience, but
I should have thought you’d prefer the one who wasn’t
there That almost seems like human nature, doesn’t it 3
Victoria The fact is, all men have their faults They’re
selfish, brutal and inconsiderate They don’t understand
how much everything costs The\ can’t see things, poor
dears, they’re cat-witted Of course, Freddie’s verv
unreasonable sometimes, but then so was Bill And he
adores me He can hardly bear me out of his sight
They both adored me

Miss Dennis That makes up for a great deal, I must say
Victoria I can’t understand the women who complain
that they’re misunderstood I don’t want to be under-
stood I want to be loved

[Taylor opens the door and introduces Mrs Shuttle-
worth This is Victoria’s mother , an elderly y
grey-hatred lady in black
Taylor Mrs Shuttleworth

[Exit

Victoria [Gushing ] Darling Mother
Mrs Shuttleworth My precious child
Victoria This is Miss Dennis It’s the only moment in
the day she was able to give me
Mrs Shuttleworth [Graciously] How do you do p
Victoria You don’t mind coming up all these stairs, do
you, darling^ You see, we have to be dreadfully
economical with our coal We tried to wangle more,
but we couldn’t manage it.

ACT I

232 HOME AND BEAUTY

Mrs Shuttleworth Oh, I know The coal controller was
positively rude to me Red tape, you know
Victoria They say we can only have two fires Of course,
we have to have one in the nursery, and I must have
one in my bedroom So I have to see people in here
Mrs Shuttleworth And how are the precious darlings^
Victoria Fred’s got a slight cold, and Nannie thought he’d
better stay in bed, but Baby’s splendid Nannie will
bring him in presently

Miss Dennis Are they both boys, Mrs Lowndes^
Victoria Yes But I’m going to have a girl next time
Mrs Shuttleworth Fred will be two next month,
Victoria

Victoria I know I’m beginning to feel so old Poor
lamb, he wasn’t born till three months after his father
was killed

Miss Dennis How very sad You don’t like the nails too
red, do you^

Victoria Not too red

Mrs Shuttleworth She looked too sweet in mourning
I wish you could have seen her. Miss Dennis
Victoria Mother, how can you say anything so heartless^
Of course, black does suit me There’s no denying that
Mrs Shuttleworth I insisted on her going to Mathilde
Mourning must be well made, or else it looks nothing
at all

Miss Dennis Did you say your little boy’s name was Fred?
After his father, I suppose^

Victoria Oh no, my first husband was called William He
particularly wanted the baby to be called Frederick
after Major Lowndes You see. Major Lowndes had
been my husband’s best man, and they’d always been
such great friends
Miss Dennis Oh, I see

ACT I HOME AND BE At TY Z 0 $

Victoria Then, when I married Major Lowndes, and my
second baby was born, we thought it would be nice to
give it my first husband’s name, and so we called it
William

Mrs Shottleworth I was against it mvseif I thought it
would alw ays remind the dear child of what she’d lost

Victoria Oh, but. Mother darling, I don’t feel a bit like
that about Bill I shall never forget him [To Miss
Dennis, pointing to a double photograph frame ] You see,
I have their photographs side by side

Miss Dennis Some men wouldn’t like that verv much

Victoria. Freddie has me now He can’t grudge it if I grve
a passing thought to that poor dead hero who’s lung
in a nameless grave in France

Mrs Shuttles orth Don’t upset yourself, darling You
know how bad it is for } our skm She has such a soft
heart, poor dear

Victoria Of course, now the war’s over, it’s different, but
when Freddie was at the front I always thought it must
be a consolation to him to think that if anything hap-
pened to him and I married again I should always keep
a little corner m my heart for him

Miss Dennis There, I think that’s all for to-day, Mrs
Lowndes Would you like me to come agam on Frida}

[She proceeds to put away the various utensils she has
been using

Victoria [Looking at her nails ] Please You do them
beautifully There’s something \ery satisfactory in a
well-manicured hand It gives you a sense of assurance,
doesn’t lP If I were a man I would never want to hold
a hand that wasn’t nicely manicured

Miss Dennis The gentleman I’m going to marry said to
me that the first thing that attracted him was the way
my nails were polished

ACT I

234 HOME AND BEAUTY

Victoria One never knows what’ll take a man’s fancv

Mrs Shuttleworth Personally, I am a firm believer m
first impressions And that is why I say to all the girls
I know Whenever you are being shown mto a drawing-
room bite both your lips hard, give them a good lick,
put your head in the air, and then sail in. "" There’s
nothing men like more than a red moist mouth I’m an
old woman now, but I never go into a room without
doing it

Miss Dennis Fancy, now, I never thought of that I must
try it and see

Mrs Shuttleworth It may make all the difference to
your life

Victoria Miss Dennis is engaged to be married. Mother

Mrs Shuttleworth Ah, my dear, don’t make the
common mistake of thinking that because you’ve got
one man safe you need not make yourself attractive to
others

Victoria On Friday next, then. Miss Dennis

Miss Dennis Very well, Mrs Lowndes Is there anything
you’re wanting just at the moment^

Victoria Nothing, thanks

Miss Dennis I’ve got a new skin food that they’ve just
sent me over from Pans I would like you to give it a
trial I think it’s just the thing for your complexion

Victoria I’m afraid to try anything I don’t know I’ve
got such a delicate skin

Miss Dennis It’s been specially prepared for skins like
yours, Mrs Lowndes The ordinary skin food is well
enough for the ordinary skin, but a really beautiful skin
like yours wants something very extra-special in the
way of food

Victoria I expect it’s frightfully expensive, and you know,
they say we must economize I suppose somebody’s got
to pay for the war

ACT I

HOME AND BEAUTY

*35

Miss Dennis Fll make special terms for you, Mrs Lowndes
Fll only charge you fifty-nine and sis for a three-guinea
pot It’s a large pot, as large as that [She measures with
her fingers a pot about three inches high ] I promise you it’s
not an extravagance A good skin food is an investment

Victoria Oh well, bring it with you next time you come

Miss Dennis Fm sure you won’t regret it Good afternoon,
Mrs Lowndes [To Mrs Shuttleworth ] Good
afternoon

[She goes out

Mrs Shuttleworth I dare say she’s nght They pick up
a lot of experience, those women I always say the same
thing to girls Look after your skin, and your bills will
look after themselves

Victoria She was telling me that the Johnston Blahes are
gomg to divorce

Mrs Shuttleworth [Without concern] Really Wh}^

Victoria He’s been fighting for the last four years He
says he wants a little peace now

Mrs Shuttleworth Fm afraid many of these men who’ ve
been away so long will have got out of the habit of being
married I dare say it was a mercy that poor Bill was
killed

Victoria Mother darling, how can you say anything so
dreadfuP

Mrs Shuttleworth Well, I must say I was thankful when
Freddie got a job at the War Office The difference
between men and women is that men are not naturally
addicted to matrimony With patience, firmness, and
occasional rewards you can train them to it just as you
can tram a dog to walk on its hind legs But a dog would
rather walk on all fours and a man would rather be free.
Marriage is a habit

Victoria And a very good one. Mother

ACT I

236 HOME AND BEAUTY

Mrs Shuttleworth Of course But the unfortunate thing
about this world is that good habits are so much easier
to get out of than bad ones

Victoria Well, one thing I do know, and that is that
Freddie simply adores being married to me

Mrs Shuttleworth In your place, I should have married
Leicester Paton

Victoria Good heavens, why^

Mrs Shuttleworth Have you never noticed that he wears
spats^ Men who wear spats always make the best
husbands

Victoria It probably only means that he nas cold feet I
expect he wears bedsocits, and I should hate that

Mrs Shuttleworth Nonsense It means that he has a
neat and orderly mind He likes things just so Every-
thing in its place and at the proper season In fact, a
creature of habit I am convinced that after six months
of marriage Leicester Paton would forget that he’d ever
been a bachelor

Victoria I was a soldier’s widow I don’t think it would
have been very patriotic to marry a civilian

Mrs Shuttleworth You girls all talked as though the
war would last for ever Heroism is all very well, but
at a party it’s not nearly so useful as a faculty for small
talk

[Taylor comes m

Taylor Mr Leicester Paton has called, madam I said I
didn’t know if you could see him

Victoria Talk of the devil Oh yes, bring him up here

Taylor Very good, madam

[Exzl

Mrs Shut itje worth I didn’t know you were seeing any-
thing of him, Victoria

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY 2*7

Victoria [With some archness ] He’s been rather attentive
lately

Mrs ShuttleyvORth I knew I was right I felt sure yon
attracted him

Victoria Oh, darling, you know I can never think of any-
one but Freddie, but of course it’s useful to have someone
to run errands for one And he can wangle almost
anything one wants

Mrs Shuttleworth Butter^

Victoria Everything, my dear, butter, sugar, whisky

Mrs Shuttleworth Bite your bps, darling, and give
them a good lick [Victoria carries out the suggestion ]
You missed the chance of your life

Victoria After all, he never asked me

Mrs Shuttleworth Don’t be silly, Victoria, you should
have made him

Victoria You know that I adored Freddie Besides, ration
books hadn’t come m then

Mrs Shuttleworth By the way, where is Freddie^

Victoria Oh, my dear, I’m perfectly furious with him He
promised to take me out to luncheon, and he never
turned up He never telephoned or anything, not a
word I think it’s too bad of him He may be dead for
all I know

Mrs Shuttleworth Optimist

[Taylor ushers in Mr Leicester Paton, and then
goes out He is a small , fat man , very well pleased
with the world and with himself beautifully dressed
and obviously prosperous You could tell at a mile
that he had so much money that he did not know what
to do with it He is affable , gallant and easy.

Taylor Mr Leicester Paton

Victoria I hope you don’t mind bemg dragged up all
these stairs We have to be so dreadfully economical

i

238 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT I

•with our coal I can only afford to have a fire in my
bedroom

Paton [Shaking hands with her ] You’re not going to tell
me that you have any trouble about getting coal Why
on earth didn’t you let me know? [Shaking hands with
Mrs Shuttleworth ] How do you do?

Victoria You don’t mean to say you could get me some?
Paton It’s quite out of the question that a pretty woman
shouldn’t have everything she wants
Victoria I told Freddie that I felt sure he could wangle it
somehow What’s the use of being at the War Office
if you can’t have some sort of a pull?

Paton Leave it to me I’ll see what I can do for you
Victoria You’re a perfect marvel

Paton Now that these men are coming back from the
front no one would look at us poor devils who stayed
at home if we didn’t at least make ourselves useful
Victoria You only stayed at home because it was your
duty

Paton I attested, you know, I didn’t wait to be called up
But the Government said to me You’re a shipbuilder
go on budding ships So I built them ships
Mrs Shuttleworth I think it was very noble of you
Paton And then they bring in a tax on excess profits As
I said to the Prime Minister myself It’s trying one’s
patriotism rather high It really is
Mrs Shuttleworth A little bird has whispered to me
that the Government intends to show its appreciation
of your great services in the next Honours List
Paton Oh, one doesn’t ask for that One’s glad to have
been able to do one’s bit

Victoria How true that is That’s just what I feel
Mrs Shuttleworth Victoria has worked like a dog, you
know It’s a marvel to me how her health has stood it

ACT I HOME AND BEAtTI 239

Victoria I don’t know how many committees I’ve been
on I’ve sold at twenty-three bazaars

Paton There’s nothing that takes it out of one so much

Victoria At the beginning of the war I worked in a
canteen, but I had to give that up, because I could never
go out to lunch anywhere I thought at one time of
working in a hospital, but you know all the red tape
there is in those places — they said I had no training

Mrs Shuttleworth I’m sure you’d have made a won-
derful nurse

Victoria I didn’t propose to be the ordinary sort of nurse
at all I was quite content to leave that to those un-
fortunate females who make their living by it But it
doesn’t want any particular training to be mce to those
poor, dear, wounded boys, to shake out their pillows
and take them flowers, and read to them It only wants
sympathy

Paton I don’t know anyone who has more

Victoria [With a flash of her eyes] With people I like

Mrs Shuttleworth Have you stopped your teas, darling 5

Victoria Oh, yes, after the Armistice

Paton You used to give teas to wounded soldiers?

Victoria Yes, Tommies, you know I think it’s so im-
portant to cultivate the personal relation I used to
invite a dozen every Thursday At first I had them m
the drawing-room, but it made them shy, poor dears,
so I thought it would be nicer for them if they had it m
the servants’ hall I’m the only woman I know who ne\ er
had the smallest trouble with her maids

Mrs Shuttleworth Darling, I think I’ll go upstairs and
see how my dear little grandson is I do hope it’s not
influenza

Victoria Yes, do. Mother He’ll be thrilled to see you.

240

HOME AND BEAUTY

ACT I

[Mrs Shuttles orth goes out Leicester Paton,
rising as she does , when he sits down again takes a
place on the sofa beside Victoria
Paton Is anything the matter with your little boy**
Victoria Poor darling, he’s got a cold
Paton I’m so sorry

Victoria I dare say it’s nothing, but you know what a
mother is she can’t help feeling anxious
Paton You’re a wonderful mother
Victoria I adore my children

Paton [Going on with his sentence J And a perfect wife
Victoria D’you think so^

Paton Doesn’t your husband^

Victoria Oh, he’s only my
count * ^

Paton Doe c ^cnow what a lucky m? <

Victoria If does he’s quite convi 7 'eserves

to be tlujj

Paton I tr^fy him t wait to btJ 2 .l 1

Victoria ^ dashing a glance at him ] ^P^ik I’m

quite fy* estable, then? f *f you?

Paton ^.111 I tell you what I think s tggerate V
Victor?^ No, don’t, you’ll only ct Matter £ ou tn 0 w,
there are only two qualities that I r ' -"^/self on I’m
not vain and I am unselfish W

[Frederick comes m He is a /jK. soldierly fellow in
uniform, with red tabs and a r umber of ribbons on
bis tunic He nods to Leicester Paton and shakes
hands with him

Victoria Freddie, where have you been all this time?
Frederick I’ve been at the club

Victoria But you promised to take me out to luncheon.

husband H “ doesn’t

that he d

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY 14 1

Frederick D^d I? I forgot all about it I’m so sorry

Victoria Forgot? I suppose something more amusing
turned up

Frederick Well, I only said I d come if I wasn’t too busy

Victoria Were you busv?

Frederick I was

Victori \ Bill was never too busy to give me luncheon when
I wanted it

Frederick Fancy that

Pvton I think I’ll be getting along Now the war’s over
you fellows can take things easily Mv work goes on
just the same

Frederick That’s a new car you’ve got, isn’t it?

Pm>N I have to get about somehow, you know

Frederick So do I, but being only a soldier I manage to
do it on flat feet

Pvton [Shaking hards with Victoria ] Good-bve

Victoria Good-b}e So nice of ^ ou to come and see me

[Leicester Paton goes o it

Victoria I should be glad to know why you threw me
over like that

Frederick Are you obliged to receive visitors in your
bedroom?

Victoria You don’t mean to say you’re jealous, darling?
I thought you seemed grumpy Is he put out? Let him
come and give his little wife a nice kiss

Frederick [Irritably ] I’m not in the least jealous

Victoria You silly old thing You know it’s the only room
in the house that’s got a fire

Frederick Why the dickens don’t you have one in the
drawing-room?

Victoria My poor lamb, have you forgotten that there’s

242 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT I

been a war and there happens to be a shortage of coaP
I will tell you exactly why we don’t have a fire in the
drawing-room Patriotism

Frederick Patriotism be hanged The place is like an
ice-house

Victoria Darling, don’t be unreasonable After spending
two winters in the trenches I shouldn’t have thought
you’d be such a slave to your comfort I know you
don’t mean it when you say patriotism be hanged, but
you shouldn’t say things like that even m jest

Frederick I’m dashed if I can see why it would be less
patriotic to have a fire in the drawing-room where we
could all benefit by it, rather than here where it’s no
good to anyone but you

Victoria [Opening her ejes very wide ] Darling, you’re not
going to ask me to do without a fire in my bedroom?
How can you be so selfish^ Heaven knows, I don’t want
to boast about anything I’ve done, but after having
slaved my life out for four years I do think I deserve a
little consideration

Frederick How’s the kid P

Victoria And it’s not as if I grudged you the use of my
room You can come and sit here as much as you like
Besides, a man has his club He can always go there if
he wants to

Frederick I apologize You’re quite right You’re always
right

Victoria I thought you wanted me to be happy

Frederick I do, darling

Victoria Before we were married, you said you’d make
that the chief aim of your life

Frederick [SmiLng ] I can’t imagine that a sensible man
could want a better one

Victoria Confess that you’ve been a perfect pig

ACT I HOME AND BEUTY 2^

Frederick A brute beast, darling

Victoria [Moll fied] D’you know that I asked you to give
me a kiss just now^ It’s not a request that Pm m the
habit of having ignored

Frederick I trust it’s not one that you’re in the habit of
making to all and sundry

[He fasses her

Victoria Now tell me why you forgot to take me out to
luncheon to-daj>

Frederick I didn’t forget I was prevented I I
haven’t had any luncheon myself I’ll just ring and ask
the cook to send me up something
Victoria My poor lamb, the cook left this morning
Frederick Again?

Victoria How d’you mean again* This is the first time
she’s left

Frederick Hang it all, she’s onlj been here a week
Victoria You needn’t get cross about it It’s much more
annoying for me than for you
Frederick [ Jrntably ] I don’t know why on earth you can’t
keep your servants

Victoria No one can keep servants nowadays
Frederick Other people do

Victoria Please don’t speak to me like that, Freddie I’m
not used to it

Frederick I shall speak to you exactly as I choose
Victoria It’s so petty to lose your temper just because you
can’t have something to eat I should have thought after
spending two years in the trenches you’d be accustomed
to going without a meal now and then
Frederick For goodness’ sake don’t make a scene
Victoria It’s not I who am making a scene It’s >ou who
are making a scene

ACT I

244 HOME AND BEAUTY

Frederick Victoria, I beg you to control yourself

Victoria I don’t know how you can be so unkind to me
After all the anxiety I suffered on your account when
you were in France, I do think you might have a little
consideration for me

Frederick Seeing that for the last year I’ve had a perfectly
safe, cushy job at the War Office, I think you might by
now have recovered from any anxiety you felt on my
account

Victoria Must I remind you that my nerves were shattered
by poor Bill’s deaths

Frederick No, but I was confident vou would

Victoria The doctor said I should need the greatest atten-
tion for several years I don’t believe I shall ever quite
get over it I should have thought even if you didn’t
love me any more you’d have a little human pity for me
That’s all I ask, just the tolerant kindness you’d show
to a dog who was fond of you [Working herself up into
a passion ] Heaven knows I’m not exacting I do every-
thing I can to make you happy I’m patience itself
Even my worst enemy would have to admit that I’m
unselfish [As he is about to speak ] You weren’t obliged
to marry me I didn’t ask you to You pretended you
loved me I would never have married you if it hadn’t
been for Bill You were his greatest friend You made
me love you because you spoke so beautifully of him
[He is just going to say something , , but she goes on implacably ]
That’s my mistake I’ve loved you too much You’re
not big enough to bear so great a love. Oh, what a
fool I’ve been I let myself be taken in by you, and I’ve
been bitterly punished [Heading off the words she sees he
wants to speak ] Bill would never have treated me like
that Bill wouldn’t have taken my poor, loving heart
ana rnrown it aside like an old hat Bill loved me He
would have always loved me I adored that man He

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY Z4J

waited on me hand and foot He was the most unselfish
man I ever knew He was a hero He’s the only man
I ever really cared for I was mad ever to think of
marrying you, mad, mad, mad I shall never be happy
again 1 would give anything in the world to have my
dear, dear Bill back again

Frederick I’m glad you feel like that about it, because
he’ll be here in about three minutes
Victoria [Brought up snort] What^ What on earth d%ou
mean by that* 5

Frederick He rang me up at the club a Little while ago
Victoria Freddie What are you tailing about^ Are you
mad^

Frederick No Nor drunk
Victoria. I don’t understand Who talked to yom 5
Frederick Bill
Victoria Bill Bill who^ 5
Frederick Bill Cardew
Victoria But, poor darling, he’s dead
Frederick He showed no sign of it on the telephone
Victoria. But, Freddie Freddie Oh, you’re pulling
my leg It’s too beastly of you How can you be so
heartless^ 5

Frederick Weil, just wait and you’ll see for vourself
[Looking at fas wrist watch ] In about two and a half
minutes now, I should think

Victoria [Coaxing him ] Now, Freddie, don’t be vindictive
I dare say I was rather catty I didn’t mean it You
know I adore you You can have a fire in your study,
and damn the food controller I’m sorry for all I said
just now There, now, it’s all right, isn’t it^
Frederick Perfectly But it’s not going to prevent Bill
from walking into this room in about two minutes and
a quarter

ACT I

246 HOME AND BEAUTY

Victoria I shall scream It’s not true Oh, Freddie, if
you ever loved me, say it’s not true

Frederick There’s no need to take my word for it

Victoria But, Freddie, darling, do be sensible Poor Bill
was killed at the Battle of Ypres He was actually seen
to fall He was reported dead by the War Office You
know how distressed I was I wore mourning and
everything We even had a memorial sen ice

Frederick I know It’ll want a devil of a lot of explaining,
turning up like this

Victoria I shall go stark, staring mad in a minute How
do you know it was Bill who spoke to you on the
telephone^

Frederick He said so

Victoria That proves nothing Lots of people say they’re
the Kaiser

Frederick Yes, but they speak from a lunatic asylum He
spoke from Harwich Station

Victoria I dare say it was somebody else of the same name

Frederick That’s idiotic, Victoria I recognized his voice

Victoria What did he say exactly^

Frederick Well, he said he was at Harwich Station, and
would be in London at 3 1 3 And would I break it to
yom>

Victoria But he must have said more than that

Frederick No, not much

Victoria For goodness’ sake, tell me exactly what he
said — exactly

Frederick Well, I was just coming along to take you out
to luncheon, when I was told I was wanted on the
telephone A long-distance call — Harwich

Victoria I know A seaport town

A.CT I HOME AND BEAUIY 247

Frederick I strolled along and took up the receiver I
said Is that you, darling 5

Victoria Why did you say that 5

Frederick That’s always a good opening on the telephone
It puts the person at the other end at their ease
Victoria Idiot

Frederick Somebody said Is that you, Freddie 5 I thought
I recogni2ed the voice, and I felt all funn} Yes, I said
It’s me, Bill, he said. Bill Cardew
Victoria For heaven’s sake be quick about it
Frederick Hulloa, I said, I thought you were dead I
thought as much, he answered How are you 5 I said
Ai, he said

Victoria What an idiotic conversation
Frederick Damn it all, I had to say something
Victoria You ought to have said a thousand things
Frederick We only had three minutes
Victoria Well, go on

Frederick He said I’m just tootling up to London I’ll
be up at 3 13 You might go along and break it to
Victoria Right ho, I said He said, So-long, and I said,
So-long And we rang off

Victoria But that was before luncheon. Why didn’t you
come at once and tell me?

Frederick To tell you the truth I was a bit shaken by then
I thought the first thing was to have a double whisky
and a small soda

Victoria And what did you do then?

Frederick Well, I sat down to think. I thought steadily
for a couple of hours

Victoria And what have you thought 5
Frederick Nothin g

ACT I

248 HOME AMD BEAUTY

Victoria* It seems hardlr worth while to have gone without
% out lunch

Frederick: It’s a devilish awkward position for me
\ iCTORi i For you? And uh at about me 5
Frederick After all, B*J u as my oldest pal He may think
it ratrtr furnu t* at I\e married his wife
Victoria Funn} ?

Frederick On the other hand, he mav not
Victoria Why d dn’t vou tell me the moment you came
in, instead of talking about heaven knows what 5
Frederick It u isn’t a very easy thing to say I was trying
to find an opportunity to slip it in casually, don’t you
know

Victoria [Furious^ ] Wasting precious time
Frederick [Blana^] Darling, you surely don’t think
making a scene is ever waste of time

Victoria I\gw we haven’t got a chance to decide on any-
thing I haven’t e\ en time to put a frock on

Frederick What the deuce do you want to put a frock
on for 5

Victoria After all, I am his widow I think it would be
only nice of me to be wearing mourning when he comes
What did he say when you told him 5

Frederick When I told him what 5

Victoria How can you be so stupid* When you told him
you and I were married

Frederick But I didn’t tell him.

Victoria Do you mean to say that he’s coming here under
the impression that I’m his wife?

Frederick Why, naturally

Victoria But why on earth didn’t you tell him at once?
It was the only thing to do Surely you see that

ACT I

HOME AND BEAUTY

249

Frederick It didn’t strike me at the moment Besides, it’s
rather a delicate thing to say on the telephone
Victoria Well, someone must tell him
Frederick I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re quite
the best person to do that

ictoria P P P Do you think I’m going to do all
your dirty work^

iederick I must say, I don’t think it would come well
from me

ectoria I’m not going to deal my darling Bill this bitter,
bitter blow

iederick By the way, it’s — it’s jolly he’s alive, isn’t iP

ectoria Ripping

iederick I am glad, aren’t you?

cctoria Yes, awfully glad

iederick Then you’ll just break the news as gently as
you can, Victoria

cctoria [As if she were weighing the matter ] I really don’t
think that’s my province

iederick [Exercising all bis charm ] Darling, you’ve got
so much tact I never knew anyone who could deal
with a delicate situation as you can You ha\e such a
light hand You’re so sympathetic And you’ve got
such a wonderful tenderness

CTORiA I don’t think you’ve got hold of the right line
at all There’s only one way to manage a thing like
this You just take him by the atm and say Look here,
old man, the fact is

ederick [Interrupting ] Victoria, you don’t mean to say
you’re walling to give up the chance of making the
biggest scene you’ve ever made in your life**

ctoria. Now look here, Freddie, this is the only thing
I’ve ever asked you to do for me in my life You know

z$o

HOME AND BEAUTY

ACT I

how frail I am. I’m not feeling at all welL You’re the
only man I have to lean on.

Frederick It’s no good, Victoria I won’t.

Victoria [Furiously ] Damn you
Frederick Bv George, here he is

Victoria I’ve not even powdered my nose Fortunately
I have no personal vanity

[She oegtns to powder herself feverishly The voice is
heard of someone coming up the stairs Hulloa*
Hulloal Hulloa! Then the door is flung open and
m bursts William He is a well-set-up y jovial
fellow , wearing at the moment a very shabby suit

William Here we are again.

Victoria Bill!

Frederick Was I right?

Victoria I can hardly believe my eyes
William Give me a kiss, old lady [Hi? seizes her m his
arms and gives her a hearty kiss Then be turns to Frederick
They shake hands ] Well, Freddie, old man, how’s life^
Frederick Ai, thanks
William Are you surprised to see me?

Frederick A little
Victoria In fact, a good deal

William I’m jolly glad to see you here, Freddie, old man
On the way up m the train I cursed myself five times
for not having asked you to wait with Victoria till I
rolled up I was afraid you might have some damned
feeling of delicacy
Frederick P

William You see, it struck me you might think Victoria
and I would want to be alone just the first moment,
but I should have been as sick as a dog if I hadn’t seen
your ugly old face here to welcome me By the way,

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY 25 I

you’ve neither of you said }ou uere glad to see me
Victoria Of course we’re glad. Bill darling
Frederick Rather

William Tactful of me to get old Freddie to come round
and break the news to you, I think, Victoria
Victoria Yes, darling, and exactly like you
William It’s just like old times to hear you call me darling
every other minute

Frederick It’s one of Victoria’s favourite words
William You know, I nearly didn’t warn you I thought
it would be rather a lark to break in on you in the
middle of the night

[Frederick and Victoria give a little start
Victoria I’m just as glad you didn’t do that. Bill
William What a scene, my word The sleeping beauty on
her virtuous couch Enter a man in a shocking old
suit Shrieks of the sleeping beauty It is I, your
husband Tableau

Victoria [To turn the conversation ] You’re quite tight, it is
a shocking old suit Where did you get it*

William I didn’t get it I pinched it I must say I wouldn’t
mind getting into some decent things

[He walks towards a door that leads out of Victoria’s
room

Victoria [Hastily] Where are you going*

William I was going into my dressing-room. Upon my
soul, I almost forget what I’ve got I had a blue? serge
suit that was rather dressy
Victoria I’ve put all your clothes away, darling.
William Where*

Victoria In camphor You couldn’t put them on until
they’ve been aired
William Hell, said the duchess

*5* HOME AND BEAUTY ACT I

[Mrs Shuttle-worth comes m William ts standing
so that at first she does not see bm

Mrs Shuttleworth I trunk the little lamb is going on
nicely, Victoria

Victoria [Swallowing] Mother

William I uas just going to ask about the kid

[Mrs Shlttlewofth jumps out of her skin She
turns round and sees Willi am

Mrs Shuttleworth Who is tnat*

William Who the devil d’vou think it is*

Mrs Shuttleworth The language and the voice — Bill
Cardew’s Who is that ?

William [Walking towards her ] Well, I may be a bit thinner
and it certainly is a shocking old suit
Mrs Shuttleworth Don’t come near me or I shall
scream

William You can’t escape me I’m going to kiss you
Mrs Shuttleworth Take him away Don’t let him come
near me Victoria, who is that man^

Frederick Well, Mrs Shuttleworth, it’s Bill Cardew
Mrs Shuttleworth But he’s dead
Frederick He doesn’t seem to know it
Mrs Shuttleworth It’s absurd Will someone wake
me up

William Shall I pinch her, and if so, where^

Mrs Shuttleworth It’s a horrible dream. Of course he’s
dead That man’s an imposter

William Shall I show you the strawberry mark on my
left shoulder*

Mrs. Shuttleworth. I tell you Bill Cardew’s dead.
William Prove it.

Mas. Shuttleworth [Indigtumtlj ] Prove it? The War

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY *53

Office announced it officially, Victoria went into
mourning

William Did she look nice in it?

Mrs Shuttleworth Sweet Perfectly sweet I insisted on
her going to Mathilde Mourning must be well made
or else it looks nothing at ail Why, we had a memorial
service

Frederick Fully choral

William Did you have a memorial service for me, Victoria?

That was nice of you
Victoria It was very well attended
William I’m glad it wasn’t a frost
Frederick I say, old man, we don’t want to hurrv you,
you know, but we’re all waiting for some sort of
explanation

William I was coming to that I was just giving you time
to get over your first raptures at seeing me again Have
you got over them?

Frederick I can only speak for myself
William Well, you know, I was damned badly wounded
Frederick Yes, at Ypres A fellow saw you fail He said
you were shot through the head He just stopped a
minute, and saw you were killed, and went on
William A superficial observer I wasn’t* I was eventually
picked up and taken to Germany
Victoria Why didn’t you write?

William Well, I think I must have been rather dotty for
a bit I don’t know exactly how long I was in hospital,
but when I began to sit up and take nourishment I
couldn’t remember a damned thing My memory had
completely gone

Mrs Shuttleworth Strange* To my mind very strange
William I think my wound must have made me a bit

254 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT I

irritable When I was being taken along to a camp I
had a difference of opinion with a German officer, and
I laid him out By George, they nearly shot me for
that Anyhow, they sentenced me to about a hundred
and fifty years’ imprisonment, and prevented me from
writing, or making any sign that I was alive
Victoria But your memory came back?

Willi am Yes, gradually And, of course, I realised then
that you’d think I was dead But I had no means of
letting vou know

Frederick You might have wired from Rotterdam
William The lines were so congested They told me Fd
arrne before my wire

Mrs Shuttles, qrth It’s all quite probable
\\ iluam More or less, I flatter myself But you can bet
your life on one thing Fm not dead, and, what’s more,
1 propose to live for another forty years, if not fifty

[Taylor comes m

Taylor If you please, ma’am, where shall I put the gentle-
man’s things 3 He told me to bring them upstairs
William Oh, it’s only a few odds and ends for the journey
that I got on my way Put them in the dressing-room
Victoria No, leave that for the moment, Taylor We’ll
decide presently
Taylor Very good, madam

[She goes out

William What’s the matter with the dressing-room,
Victoria 5

Victoria My poor darling, don’t forget your arrival is a
complete surprise Nothing is ready
William Don’t let that worry you After what I’ve been
used to, I can pig it anywhere [Looking at the bed]
By George, a spring mattress Father will sleep without
rocking to-night.

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY 255

Mrs Shuttleworth [Firmly ] Something’s got to be
done

William How d’you mea sp

Victoria [Hurriedly ] We haven’t got a cook

William Oh, you needn’t bother about that Freddie and
I will do the cooking My speciality is a grilled steak.
What can you do, Freddie^

Frederick I can boil an egg

William Splendid They always say that’s the one thing
a chef can’t do Nothing to worry about We’ll get in
some pate de foie gras and a few oysters, and there you
are Now let’s have a look at the kid

Mrs Shuttleworth He’s not very well to-day I don’t
think he should leave his bed

William Oh, all right I’ll toddle up and see him I
haven’t made his lordship’s acquaintance yet What’s
his name^

Victoria [Rather nervously ] Don’t you remember, just
before you went away, you said you’d like him called
Frederick if he was a boy

William Yes, I know I did, but you said you’d see me
damned You’d quite made up your mind to call him
Lancelot

Victoria When I thought you were dead I felt I must
respect your wishes

William It must have been a shock if it took you like that

Victoria Of course, I asked Freddie to be godfather

William Has the old ruffian been a stand-by to you while
I’ve been away?

Victoria I I’ve seen a good deal of him.

William I Felt you were safe with him, you know* He’s a
buck

ACT I

256 HOME AND BEAUTY

Frederick I say, you might spare mv blushes while you're
about it

Victoria He was verv Lind to me during my — bereave-
ment

William Dear old chap I knew you were a tower of
strength

Frederick [Sneatirgfru j ] I . • * I tLd what I could, you
know

William Well, don't be so modest about it

Mrs Shuttles orth [More frmlj] I tell you something
must be done

William Mv dear Victoria, what is the matter with your
mother 5

Frederick [Trjzng to change the conversation ] I think we
might bust ourselves and have some bubbly to-mght,
Victoria

William And damn the expense

Frederick I wonder if it’s arrived yet I told them to send
a case m the day before yesterday

William Have you been running the cellar 5 Rash to let
him do that, Victoria, very rash

Victoria I know nothing about wine

William Freddie knows a thing or two I say, do you
remember that last time we went on a bat together 5
You were blind to the world

Frederick Go to blazes! I was nothing of the sort

William Pretty little th mg that was Are you as thick
with her as you used to be?

[Victoria drams herself up and looks daggers at
Frederick

Frederick [Wstb digptty\ I haven't an idea who you're
referring to*

ACT I HOME AND BEAtITX *J7

William Oh, my dear old boy, don’t gut any frills on
Victoria’s a married woman, and she knows what the
lads of the village are when they get out A very nice
little girl indeed, Victoria If I hadn’t been a married
man Pd have had a shot at cutting Freddie out
Victoria [Icily ] He always told me he’d never looked at
a woman in his life

W luam You shouldn’t encourage the young to he That’s
what they all say Rapid These wretched aeroplane
fellows have been turning out engine after engine, and
they can’t keep pace with him Talk of a lurid past,
Mrs Shuttleworth, veil your face
Frederick My poor Bill, your memory! When you
recovered it, I’m afraid you remembered all sorts of
things that had never happened
William Past, did I say? Unless I’m very much mistaken,
his present wouldn’t bear the closest inspection
Frederick By George, I’ve hit it. The poor fellow thinks
he’s being funny

William [Going on ] I don’t blame you Make hay uhile
the sun shines I admire the way you can make love to
three women at a time and make each one believe she’s
the only one you’ve ever really cared for
Mrs Shuttleworth [With determination} If someone
doesn’t do something at once I shall do it myself
William [In a whisper to Victoria, pointing at Mrs
Shuttleworth ] Airraids?

[At that moment a babfs wail is heard outside
Victoria [With aviation \ Willie

William Hulloa, what’s thap Is that the kuP [He goes
swiftly to the door and opens it The crying is heard more
loudly J Why, it’s coming upstairs You told me the kid
was in the nursery [Addressing the morse ] Bnng him
along and let me have a look at him*

HOME AKD BEAUTY ACT I

[A nurse, m a neat grey uniform , tomes m with a baby in her
arms

Victoria [Desperately ] Freddie, do something, even if it’s
only something stupid

Frederick The only thing that occurs to me is to stand on
m\ head

William [Joually ] Holloa, hulloa, hulloa

Frederick That’s not the way to talk to a baby, you owl
iLLr Not such a baby as all that Can he speak yet.
Nurse 5

Nlrse Oh no, sir, not yet

\\ illi Rather backward, isn’t he 5 Not what I should
ha\e expected in a son of mine

[The Nurse gives him a look of surprise, and then with a
look at Victoria assumes an appearance of extreme
primness

Nlrse I never knew a baby talk as young as that, sir

William Upon my soul, there’s not much of htm Looks
to me rather a stumer I think we’ve been done, Victoria

Nurse [Indignantly ] Oh, I don’t think you ought to say
that, sir He’s a very fine boy He weighs more than a
good many do when they’re six months

William What’s that 5 How old is he?

Nurse Four months last Tuesday, sir

William You’ve been busy in my absence, Victoria.

Victoria Freddie, for goodness’ sake speak Don’t stand
there like a stuffed tomato

Mrs* Shuttleworth Leave the room, Nannie

\Tbe Nurse, pursing her lips, intrigued and perplexed,
goes out

Frederick [Trying to take it lightly] The fact is, you’ve
made rather an absurd mistake* You’ve been away so
long that of course there’s a good deal you don’t know

ACT I HOME AND BEAUTY *J9

William Fm a simple creature.

Frederick Well, to cut a long story short

William What story?

Frederick I wish you wouldn’t interrupt me Fm telling
you as quickly as I can To cut a long story short, the
infant that’s just gone out of the room is not your son

William I had a sort of suspicion he wasn’t I tell you that
frankly

Victoria Oh, the fool The blithering nincompoop.

William Well, who the deuce is his father?

Frederick In point of fact, I am.

William. You? You don’t mean to say you’re married?

Frederick Lots of people are In fact, marriage has been
quite the thing during the war

William Why on earth didn’t you tell me?

Frederick Hang it all, man, you’ve been dead for the last
three years How could I?

William [Setting his hand] Well, I’m jolly glad to hear it,
old chap I knew you’d be caught one of these days
You were a wily old bird, but — ah, well, we all come to
it My very best congratulations

Frederick That’s awfully good of you I’m — er — -I’m
staying here, you know

William Are you? That’s first rate Is your missus here
too?

Frederick. It’s rather difficult to explain

William Don’t tell me she’s only got one eye

Frederick Can’t you guess why Fm staying here?

William- No [He looks round the room and his eyes jail on
Mrs Shuttleworth ] You don’t mean to say you’ve
married Victoria’s mother?

Frederick No, not exactly

ACT I

260 HOME AND BEAUTY

William What does he mean by not exactly? I hope you
haven’t been t rifling with the affections of my mother-in-
law

Mrs Shuitleworth Do I look as if I were the mother of
that babv*

William \\ e live m an age of progress One should keep
an open mind about things

Frederick You quite misunderstand me. Bill

Willi mi Is there nothing between you and Victoria’s
mother*

Frederick Certainly not

William Well, I’m sorry I should have liked to be your
son-in-law And you would bave done the tight thing by
her, wouldn’t vou*

Victoria Eeallv, Bill, I don’t think you should talk about
my mother like that

William If he’s compromised her he ought to marry her

\ icroRiA He hasn’t compromised her and he can’t marry
her

William I don’t want to seem inquisitive, but if you didn’t
marry Victoria’s mother, who did you mar ry?

Frederick Damn you, I married Victoria

END OF THE FIRST ACT

THE SECOND ACT

The drawing-room at Victoria’s bouse It ts very h^arre
Victoria has put the decoration into the hands of an artist m
futurism , and the result is very modem , outrageous , fantastic ,
i ut not ugly There is no fire in the grate and all the windows art
open Frederick is sitting m a greatcoat with a rug round his
legs, reading the paper Mrs Shuttleworth enters

Mrs Shuttleworth Tm going now.

Frederick Are you 5

Mrs Shuttleworth I’m taking my dear little grand-
children away with me

Frederick Are you 5

Mrs Shuttleworth You don’t seem in a very good temper
this morning

7 rederick Pm not

Mrs Shuttleworth Victoria will be down presently

Frederick Will she 5

Mrs Shuttijeworth I should have thought you’d ask how
she was after that dreadful shock.

Frederick Would you 5

Mrs Shuttleworth She’s better, poor darling, but she’s
terribly shaken. I put her to bed at once with hot-water
bottles

Frederick Did you?

Mrs Shuttleworth* Of course, she was totally unfit to
discuss this temble situation yesterday

Frederick Was she?

ACT n

Z6t HOME AND BEAUTY

Mrs Shuttleworth Surely you can see that for yourself
The only thing was to keep her perfectly quiet till she’d
had time to recover a little
Frederick Was it 5

Mrs Shuttleworth But this morning I have no doubt
you’ll find her prepared to go into the matter
Frederick Shall P

Mrs Shuttle-worth If vou have nothing else you wish to
say to me I think I’ll go now
Frederick Will vou^

[Mrs Shuttles orth purses her bps very tight and goes
towards the door At that moment Taylor comes tn
Taylor Mr Leicester Paton has called, madam Mrs
Lowndes says, will tou see him a minute She’s just
getting out of her bath

Mrs Shuttleworth Certainly Show him m here
Taylor Very good, madam*

[Exit

Frederick I’ll go

Mrs Shuttle V r orth I wonder what he wants
Frederick Perhaps he wants Victoria’s permission to pay
you his addresses

[He goes out In a minute Taylor announces Leicester
Paton and then goes out
Taylor Mr Leicester Paton

Paton Your daughter rang me up this morning I thought
the best thing I could do was to come along at once
Mrs Shuttleworth That’s too good of you I’m sure if
anything can be done you are the man to do it
Paton It’s an extraordinary situation
Mrs Shuttleworth Of course, I think it was very
inconsiderate of Bill to turn up like that
Paton Poor thing, she must be quite upset.

ACT n

HOME AND BEAUTY

263

Mrs Shuttleworth Well, I can only tell you that the
shock entirely took the wave out of her hair She onlv
had it done yesterday, and it was as straight as a telegraph
pole this morning
Paton You don’t say so
Mrs Shuttleworth Here she is

[Victoria comes m She has her dressing-gown on and
bedroom slippers Her hair is only partly dore , but she
manages to look perfectly ravishing
Victoria I didn’t want to keep you waiting I came down
just as I was You mustn’t look at me.

Paton I can’t help it

Victoria What nonsense I know I look a perfect fright,
but fortunately I have no personal vanity
Paton [Holding her hand\ What a catastrophe! You must
be beside yourself

Victoria [With a charming smile ] I knew I could rely on
your sympathy

Paton What in heaven’s name are you going to do^
Victoria It’s because I haven’t an idea that I telephoned to
you You see, you’ve taught me to bring all my diffi-
culties to you

Paton To whom else should you bring them? We must
think. We must discuss the matter
Victoria The position is impossible
Paton It’s wonderful that you bear it so bravely I was
expecting to find you in a state of collapse
Victoria [With a flash of the eyes ] With you to lean on^
Paton I suppose you’ve been having the most ternble
scenes

Victoria Heartrending You see, they both adore me.
Paton, And you?

Victoria P I only want to do — my duty.

ACT II

Z&4 HOME AND BEAITT

Paton How like you! How exactly like jou

Mrs ShuttleyvOkth If there’s nothing more I can do foi
you, darling I think I’ll go now

Victoria Do, darling

Mrs Shuttleworth [Shaking bands mfb Leicester P aton]
Be verv kind to her
Paton I’ll trv

[Mrs Splttleworth goes out

Victoria [Almost tenderly ] It was sweet of you to come
and see me at once I was afraid you wouldn’t have
time

Pa *i on Do you imagine I should allow anything to stand in
the wav when you sent for me 2
Victor! A Oh, but you know I shouldn’t like to think that
you were putting \ ourself out on my account
P atom I wish I could pretend I were As a matter of fact, I
was only going down to see a place I’ve just bought in
the country, and as I wanted to try my new Rolls I
thought I’d kill two birds with one stone
Victori a I didn’t know you were buying a place
Paton Oh, it’s a very modest little affair The park is not
more than three hundred acres, and there are only
twenty-eight bedrooms But you see, Fm a bachelor. I
want so little
Victoria Where is it?

Patch It’s near Newmarket
Victoria A very nice neighbourhood.

Paton A man m my position is bound to do something for
the good of the country, and it seems to me tha* to
patronize a good old English sport, which gives em-
ployment to numbers of respectable men, is an occupa-
tion which is truly patriotic Fm going to up
racing

LCT II

HOME AND BEAUTY

26 5

Victoria I think it’s splendid of you So many men waste
their money on their own selfish pleasures It’s such a
relief to come across anyone uho is determined to make
a thoroughly good use of it I’ve often wondered that
you didn’t go into Parliament
Paton For the last four years I’ve been too busy winning
the war to bother about governing the nation
Victoria Yes, but now They want strong men of keen
intelligence and dominating personality
P vrONf It’s not impossible that very soon I shall have the
opportunity to show of what metal I am made But not
m the House of Commons
Victoria [All to pieces ] In the House of Lords^

Paton [Roguishly ] Ah, you mustn’t ask me to betray the
confidence of the Prime Minister
Victoria You’ll look sweet in scarlet and ermine
Paton [Gallantly ] But it’s too bad of me to talk about my
concerns when yours are so much more important

Victoria Oh, you can’t think how I love to hear you talk
about yourself One feels a brain behind every word you
say

Paton It’s easy to be brilliant when one has a sympathetic
listener

Victoria Of course. Bill and Freddie are dear good
fellows, but their conversation is a little limited During
the war it was rather smart to talk about guns, and flying
machines, and flea-bags, but now .

Paton I understand you so well, dear lady.

Victoria Why do you call me that ?

Paton Oui of pure embarrassment. I don’t know whether
to call you Mrs Cardew or Mrs Lowndes

Victoria Why don’t you split the difference and call me
Victoria? ^

l 66 HOME AND BEALTY ACT II

Paton Mav P

Victoria [Gwmg hm her band ] It will make me feel that
you are not an entire stranger to me
Paton [With surprise ] Your weddmg rings^ You always
used to wear two

Victoria As long as I thought that poor Bill was dead I
didn’t want to forget him
Paton But why have \ ou remo\ ed them botlP
\ ictori i Tm all at sea I’m married to two men, and I feel
as if I were married to neither

PitON I wish vou weren’t I wish with all my heart you
weren’t

\ ictori * How emphatic you are Why?

P *ton Can’t you guess^

Victoria [Looking down ] I must be very stupid
Paton Don’t you know that I dote upon you? I curse my
unhappy fate that I didn’t meet you before you were
married

Victoria Would you have asked me to marry you^

Paton Morning, noon and night until you consented
Victoria I never want a Pans model so much as when I
icnow it’s just been sold to somebody else I wonder if
you a want to marry me if I were free^

Paton Yes With all my heart
Victoria But Pm not free

Paton And you — if you were, would you marry me?
Victoria Tell me, why do you wear spats>

Paton I think they’re so neat

Victoria Oh, not because you suffer from cold feeP

Paton Oh no, my circulation is excellent

Victoria* I don’t believe you’re the sort of man who’d ever
take no for an answer

ACT II HOME AND BEAUTY z6j

Paton You’re perfectly adorable

Victoria [With a smile> shyly ] I wonder if you’d take me
out to luncheon^

Paton Give me the chance

Victoria Pll just dress myself Come back in half an hour,
and you’ll find me ready
Paton Very well

Victoria Good-bye for the present

[They go out together William’s voice is heard outside

William Victoria [He comes tn 9 but sees nobody tn the room ]
Hulloa! [Shouting ] Freddie
Frederick [ Outside ] Hulloa
William Freddie

[Frederick comes tn with his rug and his paper
William I say, I can’t find my boots
Frederick Your boots^ What do you want your boots
for*

William To put them on What else d’you think I want
them for*

Frederick I saw them lying about I thought 1 a CK-ctcr
put them away m case of accidents
William Silly ass. Where did you put them?

Frederick I was just trying to think
William You don’t mean to say you don’t know where
they are

Frederick Of course I know where they are because I put
them there, but I don’t happen to remember just at the
moment

William Well, you hurry up and remember
Frederick Don’t fuss me. I can’t possibly remember if
you fuss me

William Trv and think where you put them.

*68 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT II

Frederick [Looking doubt fully at a vase ] I know I didn’t put
them in one of the flower vases
William So I should hope
Frederick They might be in the coal-scuttle
William If they are I’ll black your face with them
Frederick [Looking tn the scuttle , with trtumpb ] I said they
weren’t in the coal scuttle

William Fathead I don’t want to know where they’re
not I want to know where they are

Frederick If I knew that I shouldn’t be hunting for them

William If vou don’t find them in two and a half seconds
I’ll break e% ery bone in vour body
Frederick It’s no good losing your hair about it If we
can’t find your boots we can’t

William [Irritably ] I say, what the devil have you got all
the windows open for 5

Frederick I was trying to warm the room a bit Besides,
they say it’s healthy

William A short life and a merry one for me I like a fug

[He shuts the windows
F redbrick That won’t make it any warmer I’ve tned that
William You silly ass, why don’t you light the fire 5
Frederick Don’t be so damned unpatriotic Victoria
must have a fire in her bedroom, and we must have one
in the nursery
William Why 5

Frederick, For the children’s bath
William [Astonished] What, every day?

Frederick Yes, they wash children a lot nowadays*
William Poor little beggars

Frederick [Jumping up and going towards him ] Where the
devil did you get that suit 5

ACT It HOME AND BEAUTY Z 69

William Rather saucy, I flatter myself Victoria seat it in
to me

Frederick She needn’t have sent you the only new suit I’ve
had since the war Upon my soul, I think it’s a bit thick

William Well, you didn’t like the suit I wore yesterday
You can’t expect me to go about in fig-leaves unless you
have the house properlv warmed

Frederick If you’d had the decency to ask me you might
have had this suit I’ve got on

William Thanks, but I don’t altogether like that one It’s
a bit baggy at the knees for me

Frederick You’re very much mistaken if you think you’re
gomg to wear all the new clothes and I’m going to wear
all the old ones

William If you’re gomg to be shirty about it, where the
devil did you get that pm?

Frederick Oh, Victoria gave it me on my birthday

William Well, it’s mine She gave it me on my birthday
first And where did you get those links?

Frederick Victoria gave them to me as a Christmas
present

William Oh, did she 1 * She gave them to me as a Christmas
present before she gave them to you You jolly well take
them off

Frederick III see you blowed first At your death you left:
everything to her in your will If she chose to give them
to me it’s no business of yours

William Weil, I’m not gomg to argue about it, but I think
it’s dashe djbad form to swa nk about m a dead .man’s
jewellery

Frederick* By the way, did you ever have a hammered gold
cigarette-case^

William Rather That was Victoria’s wedding present to
me. Did you get it too?

270 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT IX

Frederick Thrifty woman, Victoria.

William I sav, unless I have a fire I shall turn into the
Albert Memorial

Frederick Apply a match and see what happens

William Thanks — I will

[He stakes a match and lights thfre The flames leap up

Frederick Now I’ll take my coat off Victoria will be
furious

William That’s vour look out You’ll have to take the
responsibility

Frederick It’s got nothing to do with me. You’re the
master of this house

William Not at all I am but an honoured guest

Frederick Oh no, the moment you appeared I sank into
insignificance

William My dear fellow, where did I sleep last mght^ In
the spare bedroom That proves conclusively that I am a
guest and nothing more

Frederick And where the devil do you think I slept^ Here

William Why did you do that ? You were perfectly sober
when I went to bed

Frederick Victoria said I couldn't sleep m the nest room
to hers now you were back.

William Oh, well, I dare say you made yourself very
comfortable on the sofa

Frederick Look at the damned thing.

’William By the way, what’s the matter with the furniture?

Frederick When you were killed Victoria was naturally
very much upset, so she had the drawing-room re-
decorated

William I dare say I'm not very bright so early in the
morning, but I don’t quite see the connection*

ACT n HOME AND BEAUTY 271

Frederick You see, the old room had too many painful
associations She w anted to distract her mind
William Oh, I was under the impression that you’d
undertaken that

Frederick [VVitb dignity] I was s\mpathetic That is
surely what you would have liked me to be
William Of course Fm not blaming vou
Frederick If you’d seen Victoria in tears you couldn’t
expect a man not to try and console her
William She’s the only woman I ever knew who looks as
pretty when she cries as when she smiles It’s a great
power

Frederick I knew you’d take it like a sensible man,
William Quite so

Frederick When would you like me to clear out?

William My dear fellow, why should you wish to do that^
Surely you don’t for a moment imagine that I shall be
in the way I propose to make my visit quite a brief one
Frederick Fm sorry to hear that Victoria will be dis-
appointed But of course that’s no concern of mine
You and your wife must arrange that between you
William My dear old thing, you entirely misunderstand
me I am not the man to come between husband and
wife

Frederick What the devil do you mean?

William Well, if it comes to that, what the devil do you
mean?

[Victoria comes m She now wears a most becoming
morning dress She comes a box of chocolates*
Victoria Good-mormng

[She goes to William and gives km her cheek to kiss*
William Good-mormng
Victoria Good-moming.

HOME AND BEAUTY

act n

PJZ

[She goes up to Frederick and gives bm the other cheek to
kiss

Frederick Good-morning

Victoria [W tb a nod of the head towards William ] I went
to him first because he's been away so long

Frederick Naturally And he was your husband long
before I was

Victoria I don't want either of you to be jealous of the
other I adore you both and I’m not going to show any
favouritism

Frederick I don't see why he should have the spare bed-
room, while I have to double up on the drawing-room
sofa,

William I like that What about the fatted calP

Frederick* Not unless you've brought your coupons with
you

Victoria [Catching stgbt of the fire ] Who lit that fire*

Frederick He did

William It was your match

[Victoria draws up a chatr and sits down in front of the
fire m such a way as to prevent any warmth from
getting into the room

Victoria [Eating a chocolate ] Of course you don't car e if
we run so short of coal that my wretched babies die of
double pneumonia. It's simply criminal to have a fire
here,

William, I'm tortured by the pangs of remorse But, need
you monopolize it?

Victoria If there is a fire I may as well get some benefit out
of it

Frederick, Are those chocolates you're eating, Victoria?

Victoria. Yes, Bobbie Curtis sent them to me. They're
delicious

ACTn HOME AND BEAUT? *7$

Frederick Are they?

Victoria It’s so hard to get good chocolates just now
Frederick I know it is I haven’t tasted one for months
Victoria \Btiwg a chocolate] Oh, this one’s soft inside
How hateful Would either ot you like lP
William \Lromcally ] It seems a pity to v aste it, Victoria
Victoria [Eating it ] I dare say you’re right One oughtn’t
to be too particular in war-time
William Ah, I suppose that’s v hat you thought when you
married Freddie

Victoria I did that for your sake, darling He v as such a
pal of yours

Frederick She was simply inconsolable when you were
killed

William It’s lucky you were there to console her.

Victoria It was Freddie who broke the news to me He
thought of the memorial service He came to see me
twice a day

William And with your practical mind I suppose you
thought it hardly worth his while to wear out shoe-
leather when a trifling ceremony might save him the
journey

Victoria Of course we waited the year I told him he
mustn’t think of it till the year was up
William With leather so expensive? But you always had
nice feelings, Victoria.

Victoria You know how helpless I am without a man. I
knew you wouldn’t wish me to remain a widow.
Frederick. I felt I was the proper person to look after her
William. Hie way you’ve both of you sacrificed yourselves
for my sake is almost more than I can bear I can only
hope that you didn’t have to force your inclinations too
much?

274 HOME AND BEAUTT ACT II

Frederick What do you mean by that?

William Well, since it appears you married entirely for my
sake, I presume there was nothing between you but —
shall we say esteem?

Victoria Oh, but. Bill darling, didn't I tell you that I
adored Freddie^ It was his wonderful friendship for you
that won my heart

Frederick She was so devoted to you. Bill, I should have
been a brute not to care for her

William One would almost think you fell in love with one
another

Victoria Only over your dead body, darling

Frederick I should have thought you'd be rather touched
by it

William It gives me quite a lump in my throat

Frederick And Victoria never forgot you, old man Did
you, Victoria?

Victoria Never

Frederick I know quite well that I only came second in her
heart So long as you were round and about she would
never have thought of me

William Oh, I don't know about that Even the most
constant woman likes a change now and then.

Frederick No, no I know Victoria's faithful heart She
can never really love any man but you Victoria, you
know how I adore you You are the only woman in the
world for me. But I realize that there is only one thing
for me to do Bill has come back. There is only one
course open to me as a gentleman and a man of honour
It is a bitter, bitter sacrifice, but I am equal to it . I
renounce all rights in you. I -will go away, aunser and g
sadder man, ami leave you to Bill Good-bye, Victoria
Wipe your mouth and give me one more kiss before we
part for ever.

ACT n HOME AND BEAUTY *75

V ictoria Oh, how beautiful of you, Freddie What a soul
you’ve got

Frederick: Good-bye, Victoria Forget me and live
happily with a better man than I
Victoria I shall never forget you, Freddie Good-bye
Go quickly or I shall break down

[William has planted himself firmly in front of the door
Frederick goes up to him with outstretched hand

Frederick Good-bye, Bill Be kind to her. I couldn’t do
this for anyone but you
William [Deliberately] Nothing doing
Frederick I am going out of your life for ever.

William Not in those boots

Frederick Damn it all, what’s the matter with them?
They’re not yours

William A figure of speech, my lad
Frederick I don’t think this is exactly the moment for
flippancy You get away from that door
William You shall only pass over my dead body.
Frederick What’s the good of that? I shouldn’t get the
chance then

Victoria Bill, why prolong a painful scene^

William My dear Victoria, I am not the m an to accept a
sacrifice like that No The War Office has decided that
I’m dead You’ve had a memorial service You’ve
redecorated the drawing-room. You are happy It
would be monstrously selfish if I disturbed a state of
thin gs which is eminently satisfactory to you both. I will
not come between you
Victoria Oh, Bill, how noble.

William Victoria, I am a gentleman and a soldier This
being that you see before you, notwithstanding the
tolerable suit he wears, is a dise mbodied wraith. To all

ZJ 6 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT H

intents and purposes I am as dead as mutton I will
remain so

Frederick Victoria will never be happy with me now that
you've come back

William Not another word She is yours

Frederick My dear Bill, you know me very little I am
lazy, selfish, bad-tempered, mean, gouty, and pre-
disposed to cancer, tuberculosis, and diabetes

William This is terrible, my poor Freddie You must take
the greatest care of your health, and dear Victoria will do
her best to correct you r defects of character

Frederick If you really loved her you wouldn't expose her
to the certain misery that it must be to live with a man
like me

William Freddie, old man, I can no longer conceal from
you that with a constitution ruined by dissipation m my
youth and broken by the ravages of war I have not much
longer to live Besides, Victoria knows only too well
that I am vindictive and overbearing, extravagant,
violent and mendacious

Victoria I understand it all You're both so noble You're
both so heroic You're both so unselfish

[Taylor comes m

Taylor If you please, ma'am, someone to see you from the
Alexandra Employment Agency

[She oands her a slip of paper .

Victoria Oh, send her in at once.

Taylor, Very good, madam.

Victoria. A cook* A cook* A cook.

Frederick: Good business Is she plain or good^

Victoria* Ham and good.

William, How like a woman.

ACT II HOME AND BEAUTY 277

[Taylor shows m Mrs Pogson and closes the door
behind her Mrs Pogson is large and heavy and
authoritative She is dressed like the widow of an
undertaker

Mrs Pogson Good-morning,

Victoria Good-morning

[Mrs Pogson looks round her, and seeing a handy chair
sits down on it

Mrs Pogson I ’ave your name on the list the Alexandra
gave me as requiring a cook I don’t know as I very
much like this neighbourhood, but I thought I’d just pop
in and see if the position looked like suiting me

Victoria \Lngrattaimgly ] I’m sure you’d find it a very nice
one

Mrs Pogson I couldn’t stand them air-raids and I made up
my mind I wouldn’t come back to London not so long as
the war lasted And the streets all dark and I don’t know
what all But of course I prefer London.

Victoria Naturally

Mrs Pogson And now that the war’s over if I can find
anything that suits me I don’t mind coming back. Why
did the last cook leave you^

Victoria She was going to be marned.

Mrs Pogson Ah, that’s what all you ladies say Of course,
it may be so, and on the other ’and it may not

Victoria She told me she hadn’t had a nicer place for the
last three months

Mrs Pogson Now before we go any further I’d just like to
know one thing Have you got a garage^

Victoria Well, we have, but there are no cars in it We
sold our car

Mrs Pogson Oh, well, that would be very convenient, I
always bring my Ford with me.

HOME AND BEAUTY

ACT n

Z78

Victoria Yes, of course,

Mrs Fogson Do you keep men-servants?

Victoria No, Fm afraid not

Mrs Fogson- [Severely ] IVe always been used to men-
servants

Victoria You see, since the war .

Mrs Fogson* Oh, you don’t ’are to tell me I know it’s
very difficult And I suppose you ’avea’t got a kitchen-
maid cither*

Victoria One can’t get one for love or money
Mrs Pogson That’s a thing I shall never forgive the
Government for Taking all them gids and putting them
in munitions Still, that’s not your fault, I will say that
There’s many cooks I know as say they will not go
without a kitchen-maid, but I say, it’s war-time and
everyone ought to do his bit If I must do without a
kitchen-maid, well, I will do without a kitchen-maid
Victoria I think it’s very patriotic of you
Mrs Fogson Of course, I leave you to make any arrange-
ments you like about lighting the kitchen fire AU I ask
is that it should be alight when I come down in the
morning

Victoria Oh! Naturally, I see your point But I don’t
quite know how I should manage about that
Mrs, Fogson In my last position the g entle man of the
house ht the fire every morning,

Victoria. Oh, I hadn’t thought of that
William I wouldn’t if I were you, Victoria.

Mrs Fogson A very nice gentleman he was too Brought
me up a cup of tea and a slice of thin bread and butter
every day before I got up

Victoria Fm sure we’d do everything we could to make
you comfortable.

ACT IX H6ME AND BEAUTY *79

Mrs Pogson What cooking would you requite*

Victoria Pm sure you’d satisfy us there I can see at once
that you’re a first-rate cook

Mrs Pogson I don’t ’old with a lot of fancy things meself,
not in war-time I say, be thankful you get anything to
eat at all

Victoria Of course, I know it’s very difficult to have a
great variety now I’m sure you’ll do the best you can
We’re out for luncheon a good deal and we dine at
eight

Mrs Pogson Of course, you can please yourselves there,
but I never do any cooking after middle-day
Victoria That’s rather awkward

Mrs Pogson If you don’t think I’ll suit you I needn’t
waste any more of my time I’ve got ten to a dozen ladies
that I must interview this morning
Victokj i Oh, I wouldn’t make a point of that I dare say
we can arrange our hours to suit you
Mrs Pogson Well, I always serve up my dinner at one
o’clock A nice little bit of meat and a milk pudding
And should you want anything after that you can always
’ave the cold meat for your supper and any little sweet I
’appen to ’ave in the kitchen
Victoria I see And what — what wages are you asking*
Mrs Pogson I don’t know as Pm asking any wages Pm
prepared to accept a salary of two pound a week
Victoria That’s rather more than I’ve been in the habit of
paying

Mrs Pogson If you aren’t prepared to pay that there are
plenty as are,

Victoria We won’t quarrel about that Pm sure you’re
worth the money*

Mrs Pogson I don’t think there arc any more questions I
need ask you

ACT n

280 HOME AND BEAUTY

Victoria No, I think that's everything When would you
be able to come w?

Mrs Pogson I’ll just go and see these other ladies and see
what they ’ave to offer me, and then if I come to the
conclusion that you*!! suit me I’ll just drop you a line

Victoria I do hope you’ll come here I’m sure you’d be
happy

Mrs Pogson That’s what I alw ai s say, the great thing is to
be ’appv And I like your face I don’t mind telling you
that I’ve taken quite a fancy to you

Victoria I’m verv glad to hear it

Mrs Pogson There, I was just going away and I knew I ’ad
one more question to ask you My ’ead’s like a perfect
sieve this morning How many are you in the family^

Victoria. Well, I have two children, but they give no
trouble at all, and just at present they’re not staying here

Mrs Pogson Oh, I don’t mind children I’ve had too
many meself to do that

Victoria And then there’s just me and these two gentle-
men

Mrs Pogson I suppose you are married to one of them.

Victoria I don’t know what you mean by that I’m
married to both

Mrs Pogson Both? Legal ly^

Victoria Of course

Mrs Pogson Well, I do call that going it [With growing
indication ] If it ’ad been just a gentleman friend I’d ’ave
’ad nothing to say I’ve lived in the very best families
and Fm quite used to that It keeps the lady quiet and
good-tempered and she ain’t always fussing about one
thing and another Ami if he lives in the ’ouse she ain’t
likely to keep the dinner waiting for ’alf an hour every
other day But if you’re married to ’im that’s quite
another thing It’s not justice If you ladies think

ACT XZ HOME AND BEAUTY t$l

you’re going to ’ave two ’usbands while many a working
woman can’t even get one — well, all I say is, it’s not
justice I’ve bin a Conservative all me life, but thank
God I’ve got a vote now, and I tell you straight what
Fm going to do, I’m going to vote Labour.

[She flaunts out of the room and slams the door Behind her
William Bang!

Victoria f ‘Furiously ] The position is intolerable I must
have one husband There are all sorts of wavs in which a
husband is indispensable But only one I cannot and
will not have two
Frederick I have an idea
William It’s sure to be a rotten one.

Frederick Let’s draw lots
William I knew it was a rotten one.

Victoria How d’you mean, Freddie^

Frederick. Well, we’ll take two pieces of paper and make a
cross on one of them Then well fold them up and put
them m a hat We’ll draw, and the one who draws the
cross gets Victoria

Victoria [Mollified} That’ll be rather thrilling
William I’d sooner toss for it Pm lucky at tossing.
Frederick Do you mean to say you funk it?

William I don’t exactly funk it IPs an awful risk to take
Victoria. It’ll be so romantic. Get some paper, Freddie
Frederick All right

William [Worried] I don’t like it. Hus isn’t my lucky
day I saw the new moon through glass. I knew
something was going wrong the moment I opened my
egg this morning

[Frederick goes to a desk mi takes out a sheet of paper
which he terns m fm* Tbm mtb bis hack turned be
draws a cross

ACT II

282 HOME AND BEAUTY

Frederick Whoever draws the blank paper renounces all
naim to Victoria. He vanishes from the scene like a puff
of smoke He will never be heard of again
William I don’t like it I repeat that I only do it under
protest

Victoria Now, Bill, don’t be disagreeable the moment you
come back,

Frederick You’ll have plenty of time for that during the
nest forty years

Victoria You seem rather above yourself, Freddie
Supposing jou draw the blank?

Frederick I saw a dappled horse this morning What
shall we put them w?

Victoria The waste-paper basket 1$ the best thing
Frederick I’ll get it Now you quite understand One of
these papers has a cross on it I will put the two papers
m the basket, and Victoria shall hold it It is agreed that
whoever draws a blank shall leave the house at once
William [Faintly ] Yes

Frederick {Handing her the basket] Here you are, Victoria
William [With agitation] Shake ’em well
Victoria All right I say, isn’t this thrilling?

Frederick You draw first. Bill
William [Shaking like a leaf] No, I can’t I really can’t
Frederick It’s your right You are Victoria’s first
husband

Victoria He’s right there. Bill You must have the first
dip in the lucky bag,

William This is awful. I’m sweating like a pig
Victoria, It’s too exciting My heart is simply going pit-a-
pat I wonder which of you will get me.

William [Hesitating ] Going over the top is nothing to it
Frederick. Courage, old man, courage

ACT II HOME AND BBAUTT Z$ 3

William It's go good, I can’t You must remember that
my nerves are all to pieces after three years in a German
prison

Victoria I see how much you love me. Bill

Frederick Shut your eyes, man, and make a plunge for the
basket

William The only thing is to get it over I wish Fd been
a better man

[He draws out one of the pieces of paper and Frederick
takes the other For a moment be looks at it neriously >
unable to bring himself to unfold ft Frederick
opens his ,, gives a sudden cry , and starts back.

Frederick [Dramatically ] Blank Blank Blank

[William gives a start , and quickly unravels the paper m
his hand He stares at it in horror

William My God!

Victoria Oh, my poor Freddie!

Frederick [With enormous feeling ] Don’t pity me, victoria
I want all my courage now I’ve lost you and I must bid
you good-bye for ever

Victoria Oh, Freddie, this is too dreadful! You must
come and see me from time to time

Frederick I couldn’t That is more than I could bear I
shall never forget you You are the only woman I have
ever loved

[At these words William looks up and observes him
curiously

Victoria You’ll never love another, will you? I shouldn’t
like that

Frederick How could I love anyone after you? Why, you
might as well ask a man to see when the sun has gone
down.

William He can turn on the dbctrtc light, you know.

ACT II

284 HOME AND BEAUTY

Frederick Ah, you can jest I am a broken-hearted and a
rrnned man r

William I was only suggesting the possibility of con-
solation

Victoria I don’t think that’s very nice of you. Bill I
thought what he said extremely poetic Besides, I don’t
want him to be consoled

Frederick Give me one last kiss, Victoria.

Victoria Darling!

[He seizes her m hts arms and kisses her

Frederick [The hero of romance ] Good-bye I go mto the
night

William Oh, aren’t you going at once 5

Frederick I am

William Well, it happens to be the middle of the day

Frederick [With dignity] I was speaking m metaphor

William Before you go you might just let me have a look
at that other bit of paper, the one with the blank on it

Frederick [Walking towards the door ] Oh, don’t delay me
with foolish trifling

William [Intercepting him ] I’m sorry to detain you

Frederick. [Trjing to dodge round him ] Why d’you want to
see it?

William [Preventing him ] Mere curiosity

Frederick [Trying the other side ] Really, Bill, I don’t know
how you can be so heartless as to give way to curiosity
when my heart is one great aching wound.

William I should like to have the two pieces framed, an
interesting souvenir of an important occasion.

Frederick Any other piece will do just as well I threw
that one in the fire

William. Oh no, you didn’t. You put it in your pocket.

HOME AND BEAUTT

ACT It

* 8 $

Frederick I’ve had enough of this Can’t you see that
Fm a desperate man?

William Not half so desperate as I am If you don’t give
me that bit of paper quietly I’ll take it from you
Frederick Go to blaaesi
William Give it up

[He makes a dash for Frederick, who dodges, he pursues
him round the room

Victoria What’s the matter* Have you both gone mad?
William You’ll have to sooner or later.

Frederick I’ll see you damned first
Victoria Why don’t you give it him?

Frederick Not if I know it
Victoria Why noP

Frederick I won’t have my feelings hurt like this
William I’ll hurt a lot more than your feelings m a minute
[Frederick makes a sudden holt for the door t but
William catches him

William Gotcher Now will you give it up^

Frederick Not on your life
William FU break your bally arm if you don’t
Frederick' [Writhing ] Oh, you devil! Stop it. You’re
hurting me

William* Fm trying to.

Frederick: Hit him on the head with the poker, Victoria
William Don’t be unlady-hke, Victoria.

Frederick You filthy Boche All right, here it is

[William lets km go mi Frederick takes the paper
out of ins pocket Just as William thinks he is going
to gm it b$m > he puts it m bis mouth
William [Seizing km by the throat.] Take it out of your
mouth

HOME AND BEAUTY

ACT H

2S6

[Frederick takes it out and throws it on tbs floor
Frederick I don’t know if you call yourself a gentleman

[William takes up tbs paper and unfolds it
William You dirty dog
Victoria What’s the matter*

{He walks over and hands it to her

William Look.

Victoria. Why, it’s got a cross on it

William [Indignantly ] They both had crosses on them

Victoria I don’t understand

William Don’t you? He was making quite sure that I
shouldn’t draw a blank.

[Victoria looks at him in astonishment There is a
moment's pause

Frederick [Magnanimously ] I did it for your sake,
Victoria I knew that your heart was set on Bill, only
you couldn’t bear to hurt my feelings, so I thought I’d
make it easier for you

Victoria That was just like you, Freddie You have a
charming nature

William [Acidly ] It almost brings tears to my eyes
Frederick I’m made that way I can’t help sacrificing
myself for others

[Taylor comes in

Taylor May I speak to you for a minute, madam*

Victoria Not now Fmbusy
Taylor I’m afraid it’s very urgent, madam
Victoria Oh, very well. I’ll come Don’t say anything
important till I come back

[Taylor holds the door open for her, and she goes out ;
Frederick How did you guess?

ACT II HOME AND BEAUTY 287

William You were so devilish calm about it
Frederick That was the calm of despair

[William is sitting on the sofa He happens to put ks
hand behind him and feels something hard \\hth a
pulled expression he puts down bis band between the
seat and the bask of the sofa and draws out first one
boot and then another
William My boots!

Frederick I knew Fd put them somewhere
William You didn’t put them anywhere You hid them,
you dirty dog

Frederick It’s a he Why the dickens should I hide your
rotten old boots^

William You were afraid Fd do a bunk
Frederick You needn’t get ratty about it I only ascribed
to you the disinterested motives that I — that I have
myself I may be wrong, but, after all, it’s a noble error
William One might almost think you didn’t want Victoria
[Frederick looks at him for a moment thoughtfully , then
he makes up his mind to make a dean breast of it
Frederick Bill, old chap, you know I’m not the sort of
man to say a word against my wife
William Nor am I the sort of man to listen to a word
against mine*

Frederick* But, hang it all, if a fellow can’t discuss his wife
dispassionately with her first husband, who can he
discuss her witlp

William I can’t imagine unless it’s with her second
Frederick Tell me what you really think of Victoria.
William She’s the sweetest little woman in the world.
Frederick* No man could want a better wife.

William She’s pretty.

Frederick Charming.

288

HOME AND BEAUTY

ACT n

William Delightful

Frederick I confess that sometimes I’ve thought it hard
that when I wanted a thing it was selfishness, and when
she wanted it, it was onlv her due
William I don’t mind admitting that sometimes I used to
wonder why it was only natural of me to sacrifice my
inclinations, but m her the proof of a beautiful nature
Frederick It has tried me now and then that in every
difference of opinion I should always be wrong and she
should always be right

William Sometimes I couldn’t quite understand why my
engagements were made to be broken, while nothing m
the w orld must interfere with hers
Frederick I hai e asked myself occasionally why my time
was of no importance while hers was so precious
^ illiam I did sometimes wish I could call my soul my own
Frederick The fact is, I’m not worthy of her. Bill As you
so justly say, no man could want a better wife • .
William [Interrupting] No, you said that
Frederick But I’m fed up If you’d been dead I’d have
seen it through like a gentleman, but you’ve turned up
like a bad shilling Now you take up the white man’s
burden

William I’ll see you damned first
Frederick She must have one husband.

William Look here, there’s only one thing to do. She
must choose between us

Frederick That’s not giving me a chance

William I don’t know what you mean by that I think it’s
extraordinarily magnanimous on my part

Frederick* Magnanimous be hanged I’ve got a charming
nature and I’m extremely handsome Victoria will
naturally choose me

ACT n HOME AND BEAUTY 289

William Heaven knows Fm not vain, but Fve always been
given to understand that Fm an almost perfect specimen
of manly beauty My conversation is not only amusing,
but instructive

Frederick Fd rather toss for it.

William Fm not going to risk anything like that. Fve had
enough of your hanky-panky

Frederick I thought I was dealing with a gentleman..

William Here she comes

[Victoria comes m She is tn a temper

Victoria All the servants have given notice now.

Frederick Thev haven't!

Victoria Fve done everything in the world for them Fve
given them double v ages Fve fed them on the fat of the
land Fve given them my own butter and my own sugar
to eat

Frederick Only because they were bad for your figure,
Victoria

Victoria They didn't know that Fve given them all the
evenings out that I really didn't want them I've let them
bring the whole British Army to tea here And now they
give me notice

William It's a bit thick, I must say

Victoria I argued with them, I appealed to them, 1
practically went down on my knees to them They
wouldn't listen. They're going to walk out of the house
this afternoon

William Oh, well, Freddie and I will do the housework
until you get some more

Victoria Do you know that it's harder to get a parlour-
maid than a peerage? Why, every day at Paddington
Registry Office you'll see a queue of old bachelors taking
out licences to marry their cooks. It's the only way to
keep them.

ACT IX

290 HOME AND BEAUTT

William Well, Victoria, we’ve decided that there’s only
one thing to be done You must choose between us

Victoria How can P I adore you both Besides, there’s so
little to choose between you

William Oh, I don’t know about that Freddie has a
charming nature and he’s extremely handsome*

Frederick I wish you wouldn’t say that. Bill. Heaven
knows you’re not vain, but I must tell you to your face
that you’re an almost perfect specimen of manly beauty,
and your conversation is not only amusing but in-
structive.

Victoria I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings

Frederick Before you decide, I feel it only fair to make a
confession to you I could not bear it if our future life
were founded on a lie Victoria, in my department there
is a stenographer She is of the feminine gender She has
blue eyes and little yellow curls at the nape of her neck.
The rest I leave to your imagination.

Victoria How abominable And I always thought you
had such a nice mind

Frederick I am unworthy of you I know it only too, too
well You can never forgive me

William Dirty dog

Victoria. That certainly simplifies matters I don’t quite see
myself as the third lady in the back row of a harem.

William You would run no risk of being that in Canad a.
Women are scarce in Manitoba.

Victoria What are you talking about?

William. I have come to the conclusion that England offers
me no future now the war is over I shall resign my
commission. The empire needs workers, and I am ready
to take my part in reconstruction. Make me the happiest
of men, Victoria, and we’ll emigrate together.

ACTU HOME AND BEAUTT

Victoria To Canada?

Frederick Where the sables come from.

Victoria Not the best ones

William I shall buy a farm. I think ir would be a very
good plan if you employed your leisure in learning how
to cook the simple fire on which we shall live. I believe
you can washP

Victoria [With aspen tj] Lace

William But I think you should also learn how to milk
cows

Victoria I don’t like cows

William I see the idea appeals to you It will be a wonder-
ful life, Victoria You’!! light the fire and scrub the
floors, and you’ll cook the dinner and wash the clothes
You’ll vote

Victoria And what shall I do in my spare moments?

William We will cultivate your mind by reading the
Encjdopadta Brttanmca together Take a good look at us,
Victoria, and say which of us it’s to be

Victoria To tell you the truth, I don’t see why it should be
either

Frederick Hang it all, it must be one or the other

Victoria I think no one can deny that since the day I
married you I’ve sacrificed myself in every mortal way
I’ve worked myself to the bone to make you comfortable
Very few men have ever had such a wife as I’ve been to
bothofyoul But one must think of oneself sometimes

William How true.

Victoria The war is over now, and I think I’ve done my
bit I’ve married two DSO’s Now I want to marry a
Rolls-Royce.

Frederick. [Astonished] But I thought you adored us

Victoria. Well, you see, I adore you both. It’s six of one

t$t HOME AND BEAUTY ACT II

and half a dozen of the other, and the result is . •

William A wash-out

Frederick Hang it all, I think it’s a bit thick. Do you
mean to say that you’ve fixed up to marry somebody else
behind our back?

Victoria You know I wouldn’t do a thing like that,
Freddie

Frederick Well, I don’t tumble,

Victoria My dear Freddie, have you ever studied the
domestic habits of the unicorn 5

Frederick I am afraid my education was very much
neglected

Victoria The unicorn is a shy and somewhat timid animal,
and it is impossible to catch him with the snares of the
hunter But he is strangely impressionable to the charms
of the fair sex When he hears the frou-frou of a silk
petticoat he forgets his native caution In short, a pretty
woman can lead him by the nose

[Taylor comes in

Taylor Mr Leicester Paton is downstairs in his car,
madam*

Victoria, Is it the Rolls-Royce?

Taylor I think it is, madam

Victoria {With a smile of triumph ] Say I’ll come down at
once

Taylor Very good, madam. {Exit

Victoria The umcom’s going to take me out to luncheon.

[She makes a Jong nose at them and goes out

END OF THE SECOND ACT

THE THIRD ACT

The hfchen At one end is a range, with a gas-stm e, at the other erd
a dresser on which are plates and dishes At the back a door
leads out to the area and near it is a window, with iron bars ,
through which can be seen the area steps and persons ascending
and descending them In the middle of the room is a kitchen table ,
and here and there kitchen chairs There is linoleum on the floor
The place is clean , sanitary , and cheerful

William is sitting on one of the chairs with his feet on another ,
reading a thin , paper-bound novel of the sort that is published
at threepence and sold by the newsagent round the corner
Frederick comes in with a scuttle full of coals

Frederick [Putting down the scuttle ] I say, these coals weigh
about a ton. You might carry them upstairs

William [< Cheerfully ] I might, but I’m not going to*

Frederick I wouldn’t ask you, only since I was wounded
in the arm serving my country I haven’t the strength
I had once

William [Suspiciously.] Which arm were you wounded in?

Frederick* [Promptly ] Both arms

William Carry the coals on your head then I believe
that’s the best way really. And they say it improves the
figure

Frederick You heartless deviL

William I’d do it like a shot, did man, only the doctor said
at was very bad for my heart to carry heavy weights.

Frederick What’s the matter with your heart? You said
you were wounded in the head.

a&3

ACT III

294 HOME AND BEAUTY

William Besides, it isn’t my work Fm doing the cooking
You really can’t expect me to do housework as well

Frederick Are you doing the cooking 5 It looks to me as
though you were just sitting about doing nothing I
don’t see why I should have to sweat my life out
William You see, you have no organization House-
work’s perfectly simple, only you must have organization
I have organization That’s my secret
Frederick I was a mug to say I’d do the housework I
might have known you’d freeze on to a soft job if there
was one,

William I naturally undertook to do what I could do best
That is one of the secrets of organization Cooking is an
art Any fool can do housework
Frederick I’ll give you a thick ear in a minute You just
try and get a shine on a pair of boots and see if it’s easy
William I don’t believe you know how to shine a pair of
boots Did you spit on them?

Frederick No, only on the silver

William You just look ruppy and get the table laid while I
finish my book.

Frederick [Gloomily ] Is it luncheon or dinner 5
William I don’t know yet, but we’re going to have it
down here because it’s easier for dishing up Organiza-
tion again

Frederick What does Victoria say to that 5
William I haven’t told her yet
Frederick She’s in an awful temper this morning
William Why?

Frederick Because the water in the bathroom wasn’t hot
William* Wasn’t it?

Frederick You know very well it wasn’t*

William: I think cold baths are much better for people.

ACT in HOME AND BEAUTT

There’d be a damned sight less illness about if cold baths
were compulsory

Frederick Tell that to the horse-marmes You were too
lazy to get up in time That’s all there is to it

William I wish you’d get on with your work instead of
interrupting me all the time

Frederick You don’t look as if you were so busy as all
that

William I want to find out if the nursery governess
married the duke after all. You should read this after
Fve finished it

Frederick I don’t have time for reading When I take on a
job I like to do it properly

William I wish you wouldn’t mumble

Frederick What is there for lunch? [He goes over to the
stove and takes a cover off a saucepan ] What’s this mess?

William Those are potatoes You might give one of them
a jab^tflth a fork to see how they’re getting on

Frederick It seems rather unfriendly, doesn’t it?

William. Oh no, they’re used to it

[Frederick takes a fork and trees to transfix a potato

Frederick Damn it all, they won’t stop still They’re
wriggling all over the place Wriggle, wriggle, little
tater How I wonder who’s your mater Poetry! Come
here, you little devil. Woa there,

William I say, don’t make such a row This is awfully
exciting He’s plunged both his hands into her hair.

Frederick. Dirty tack, I call it

William Why? She’d washed it

Frederick. [Bringing out a potato ] Damn it all, they’re not
skinned.

William I suppose you mean peeled,

ACT XII

296 HOME AND BEAUTY

Frederick If there's anything I dislike it's potatoes m
their skins

William It's simplv waste to peel potatoes I never peel
potatoes

Frederick Is that organization^

Willi am Well, if you ask me, that's just what it is,

Frederick Ever since I’ve been at the War Office I've
heard felloes talk of organization, but I never could find
anyone to tell me just what it was It's beginning to
dawn on me now

\\ Ilham [Still reading ] Well, what is xt?

Frederick I’m not going to tell you unless you listen

William [Looking up] He's just glued his bps to hers
WelP

Frederick Organization means getting someone else to do
your job for you if you can, and if you can't, letting it np

William I suppose you think you're funny

Frederick [Putting the potato hack tn the saucepan] The
steak smells as though it was almost done

William Done^ It's only been on about a quarter of an
hour

Frederick But in a grill-room they do you steak in ten
minutes

William I don't care about that* You cook meat a quarter
of an hour for every pound I should have thought any
fool knew that,

Frederick: What's that got to do with it*

William* I bought three pounds of steak, so I'm going to
cook it for three-quarters of an hour

Frederick Well, it looks to me as if it wanted eating now

William That's only its cunning It won't be ready for
ages yet, I wish you'd let me get on with my story.

ACT HI

HOME AND BEAUTY

*97

Frederick, \Pu%%led ] But look here, if there were three
steaks of a pound each you’d cook them a quarter of an
hour each

William Exactly That’s what I say That comes to three-
quarters of an hour

Frederick But, hang it all, it’s the same quarter of an hour

William You make me tired You might just as well say
that because three men can walk four miles an hour each
man can walk twelve miles an hour

Frederick But that’s just what I do say

William Well, it’s damned idiotic, that’s all

Frederick No, but I mean exactly the opposite That’s
wha tjou say You’ve got me confused now Well have
to start all over again

William I shall never finish this story if you go on like this

Frederick It’s a very important matter Let’s get a pencil
and a piece of paper and work it out We must get it
right

William For goodness’ sake go and clean knives or some-
thing, and don’t bother your head about things that are
no concern of yours

Frederick Who’s going to eat the steak?

William You won’t if you’re not careful

Frederick If I’m careful I don’t think I will.

William [Begmmg to gr&p pemsb ] Cooking has its rules
like everything else, and it’s just as little use arguing
about them as arguing about women,

Frederick Now look here, if you cut that steak into three,
would there be three pounds of steak or not?

William Certainly not There’d be three steaks of one
pound, and that’s quite another matter

Frederick But it would be the same steak.

ACT III

298 HOME AND BEAUTY

William [Emphatically ] It wouldn’t be the same steak It
would be an entirely different steak
Frederics Do you mean to tell me that if you had a steak
of a hundred pounds you’d cook it for twenty-five hours^
William Yes, and if I had a steak a thousand pounds Pd
cook it for ten da\s

Frederick It seems an awful waste of gas
illiam I don’t care about that, it’s logic

[Enter Victoria

Victoria I really think it’s too bad of you Pve been
ringing the bell for the last quarter of an hour There
are two men in the house, and you neither of you pay
the least attention

William We were having an argument
Frederick Let me put it before you, Victoria
William It has nothing to do with Victoria I’m the cook,
and I won’t have anyone come interfering in my kitchen
Frederick You must do someth mg, Victoria The steak
will be absolutely uneatable
Victoria I don’t care I never eat steak
William It’s all you’ll get for luncheon
Victoria I shan’t be here for luncheon.

William Why not?

Victoria Because — because Mr Leicester Paton has made
me an offer of marriage and I have accepted it
Frederick. But you’ve got two husbands already, Victoria.
Victoria. I imagine you’ll both be gentlemen enough to
put no obstacle in the way of my getting my freedom

[A nng ts heard

Frederick Huiloa, who’s that?

Victoria That is my solicitor.

Frederick. Your what?

ACT in HOME AND BEAUTY 299

Victoria I told him to come at one Go and open the
door, Freddie, will you 5

Frederick What the dijkens does he want 5
Victoria He’s going to fix up my divorce

Frederick You’re not letting the grass grow under your
feet

[He goes out

William This is a desperate step you’re taking, Victoria.

Victoria I had to do something You must see that it’s
quite impossible for a woman to live without servants.
I had no one to do me up this morning
William How on earth did you manage 5
Victoria I had to put on something that didn’t need
doing up

William That seems an adequate way out of the difficulty
Victoria It so happens that the one frock that didn’t need
doing up was the one frock I didn’t want to wear
William You look ravishing in it all the same
Victoria [Rather stiffly ] I’d sooner you didn’t pay me
compliments. Bill
William Why not 5

Victoria Well, now that I’m engaged to Leicester Baton
I don’t think it’s very good form
William Have you quite made up your mind to divorce me 5
Victoria Quite

William In that case, I can almost look upon you as
another man’s wife.

Victoria What do you mean by that?

William Only that I can make love to you without feeling
a thundering ass

Victoria [Stmlmg ] I’m not going to let you make love
to me

act nr

500 HOME AND BEAUTY

William You can’t prevent me from telling you that vou’re
the loveliest thing that e\ er turned a poor man’s head*

Victoria I can dose my ears

William [Taking her bands ] Impossible, for I shall hold
your hands

Victoria I shall scream

William* You can’t, because I shall kiss your bps

[He does so

Victoria Oh, Bill, what a pity it is you were ever my
husband Fm sure you’d make a charming lover

William I have often thought that is the better part

Victoria Take care They’re just coming It would never
do for my solicitor to find me in my husband’s arms

William It would be outrageous

[Frederick ushers in the visitor Mr A B Raham
is a solicitor There is nothing more to he said about
him

Victoria How do you do, Mr Raham? Do you know my
husbands 5

Mr Raham I’m pleased to meet you, gentlemen I dare
say it would facilitate matters if I am told which of }ou
is which, and which is the other

Victoria This is Major Cardew, my first husband, and
this is my second husband. Major Lowndes

Mr Raham Ah, that makes it quite clear Both Majors.
Interesting coincidence

William I suppose that Mrs Lowndes has put you in
possession of the facts, Mr. Raham 5

Mr Raham* I think so We had a long talk at my office
yesterday.

Frederick. You cm quite understand that it’s a position
of some delicacy for Mrs Cardew.

ACT in HOME AND BEAUTY 30I

Mr Raham [Pulled ] Mrs Cardew 5 Where does Mrs
Cardew come in 5
Frederick This is Mrs Cardew.

Mr Raham Oh, I see what you mean That, in short, is
the difficulty Is this lady Mrs Cardew or Mrs Lowndes 5
Well, the fact is, she has decided to be neither
Victoria I’ve just broken it to them.

William You find us still staggering from the shock.
Frederick Staggering.

Mr. Raham She has determined to divorce you both I
have told her that this is not necessary, since she is
obviously the wife of only one of you
Victoria [Argumentatively ] In that case, what am I to the
other 5

Mr Raham Well, Mrs Cardew, or shall we say Lowndes 5
I hardly like to mention it to a lady, but if you’ll excuse
me saymg so, you’re his concubine
William I rather like that, it sounds so damned Oriental
Victoria [Indignantly ] I never heard of such a thing
William Oh, Fatima, your face is like the full moon, and
your eyes are like the eyes of a young gazelle Come,
dance to me to the sound of the lute
Victoria Well, that settles it I shall divorce them both
just to prove to everyone that they’re both my husbands

Frederick I think it’s just as well to take no risks
Mr Raham Do I understand that you two gentlemen are
agreeable 5

William Speaking for myself, I am prepared to sacrifice
my feelings, deep as they are, to the happiness of
Victoria

Mr. Raham Very nicely and feelingly put
Victoria He always was a gentleman.

Mr. Raham. [T& Frederick.] Now you. Major Cardew*

L

30* HOME AND BEAUTY ACT III

Frederick My came is Lowndes

Mr Raham My mistake Of course you’re Major Lowndes
I made a mental note of it when we were introduced
Cardew — camel-face Lowndes — litigation Pelmamsm,
you know

Frederick I see It doesn’t seem very effective, though

Mr Raham Anyhow, that is neither here nor there Will
you give this lady the freedom she desires^

Frederick I will [Wttb a pulled look] When did I last
say those words^ [Remembering ] Of course, the marriage
service

Mr Raham Well, so far so good I am under the im-
pression that when it comes to the point we shall not
need to take both you gentlemen into court, but I quite
agree with Mrs Lowndes-Cardew that it will save time
and trouble if we get up the case against both of you m
the same way Since you will neither of you defend
the case, there is no need for you to go to the expense
of legal advice, so I propose to go into the whole matter
with you now

Victoria You can feel quite easy about taking Mr Raham’s
advice He has arranged more divorce cases than any
man in England

Mr* Raham, I venture to say that there are few of the best
families m this country that haven’t made use of my
services m one way or another Outraged husband,
deceived wife, co-respondent or intervener; it’s hardly
likely that anyone who is anyone won’t figure sooner
or later in one or other of these capacities. And although
it’s I as says it, if he’s wise he comes to me My maxim
has always been. Do it quickly; don’t let’s have a lot
of fess and bother And, just to show you how my
system works, there are kdi e s for whom I’ve got a
divorce from three or four successive husbands# and

I

ACTIIX HOME AND BEiOTT j©$

never a word of scandal has sullied the purity of then

fair fiatni* t

William You must be a very busy man.

Mr. Raham I assure you. Major, I’m one of the busiest
men m London

William Fortunately, some marriages are happy.

Mr. Raham Don’t you believe it. Major Cardew There
are no happy marriages Rut there are some that are
tolerable.

Victoria You are a pessimist, Mr Raham. I have made
both my husbands ideally happy

Mr Raham But I will come to the point Though, perhaps,
it is hardly necessary, I will point out to you gentlemen
what the law of the country needs in order to free a
couple who, for reasons vhich merely concern them-
selves, have decided that they prefer to part company
If a husband wishes to divorce his wife he need prove
nothing but adultery, but the English law recognizes
the natural polygamy of man, and when a wife desires
to divorce her husband she must prove besides cruelty
or desertion. Let us take these first Do you wish the
cause of offence to be cruelty or desertion^

Victoria. Personally, I should prefer desertion.

William Certainly I should very much dislike to be cruel
to you, Victoria.

Frederick And you know I could never hurt a fly

Mr Raham Then we will settle on desertion. I think my-
self it is the more gentlemanly way, and besides, it is
more easily proved The procedure is excessively simple
Mrs Cardew-Lowndes wiU write you a letter, which I
shall dictate, asking you to return to her — the usual
phrase is “to make a home for her” — and you will
refuse I propose that you should both give me your
refusals now.

304 HOME A NT D BEAUTY ACT HI

William [Surprised ] Before we’ve had the letter^

Mr Raham Precisely The letter which she will write, and
which is read out in court, is so touching that on one
occasion the husband, about to be divorced, was so
moved that he immediately returned to his wife She
was very angry indeed, and so now I invariably get the
refusal first

William It’s so difficult to write an answer to a letter that
hasn’t been written

Mr Raham To meet that difficulty I have also prepared
the replies Have you a fountain-pen?

William Yes

Mr Raham [Taking a piece of paper from his pocket-book and
two sheets of paper ] If you will kindly write to my dic-
tation, we will settle the matter at once Here is a sheet
of paper

William [Taking it ] The address is — Hotel Majestic

Mr* Raham You will see the point later Here is a piece
for you. Major*

[He gives it to Frederick

Frederick Do we both write the same letter?

Mr Raham Certainly not I have two letters that I
generally make use of, and I propose that you should
each of you write one of them The note of one is sorrow
rather than anger The other is somewhat vituperative
You can decide among yourselves which of you had
better write which.

Victoria. They both habitually swore at me, but I think
Bill’s language was more varied.

Mr. Raham That settles it. Are you ready. Major Lowndes?

Frederick [Getting to read? write ] Fire away

Mr. Raham: [Dictating ] My dear Victoria, I have given your
letter anxious consideration. If I thought there was any
hope of our m a king a greater success of married life m

ACT III HOME AND BEAUTY $0J

the future than we have m the past 1 should be the first
to suggest that we should make one more attempt

William Very touching

Me Raham [Continuing ] But I have regretfully come to the
conclusion that to return to you would only be to
cause a recurrence of the unhappy life from which I
know that you have suffered no less than I I am bound
therefore definitely to refuse your request, I do not
propose under any circumstances to return to you
Yours sincerely — Now sign your full name,

Victoria A very nice letter, Freddie I shall always think
pleasantly of you

Frederick I have my points

Mr. Raham Now, Major Cardew, are you ready 5

William Quite.

Mr Raham My dear Victoria, I am in receipt of your letter
asking me to return to you Our life together has been
a hell upon earth, and I have long realized that our
marriage was a tragic mistake You have sickened me
with scenes and tortured me with jealousy If you have
tried to make me happy you have succeeded singularly
ill I trust that I shall never see you again, and nothing
in the world will induce me ever to resume a life which
I cm only describe as a miserable degradation.

William Thick, eh 5

Mr Raham Now the crowning touch Mark the irony ot
the polite ending* I beg to remain yours most sincerely
— Now sign your name

William Fve signed it

Mr Raham Then that is settled Now we only have to
go into court, apply for a decree for restitution of
conjugal nghts, and six months later bring an action
for divorce

Victoria Six months later! But when shall I be free, then?

306 home AND BEAUT! ACT III

Mr. Raham la about a year

Victoria Ob, but that won’t do at alL I must have my
freedom by — well, before the racing season ends, at
all events

Mr Raham As soon as that*

Victoria The Derby, if possible Certainly by the Two
Thousand Guineas

Mr Raham [Shrugging his shoulders ] In that case the only
thing is cruelty

Victoria It can’t be helped They’ll have to be cruel.

Frederick I don’t like the idea, Victoria

Victoria Try and be a little unselfish for once, darling

William I could never strike a woman

Victoria If I don’t mind I don’t see why you should

Mr Raham Cruelty has its advantages If it’s properly
witnessed it has a convincing air which desertion never
has,

Victoria My mother will swear to anything

Mr Raham Servants are better The judges are often
unduly suspicious of the mother-in-law’s testimony Of
course, one has to be careful Once, I remember, on
my instructions the guilty husband hit the lady I was
acting for in the jaw, which unfortunately knocked out
her false teeth The gentleman she had arranged to
marry happened to be present and he was so startled
that he took the night tram for the Continent and has
never been heard of since.

William. I’m happy to say that Victoria’s teeth are all her

own.

Ife. Raham On another occasion I recommended a gentle-
man to take a stick and give his wife a few strokes with
it I don’t know if he got excited or what, but he gave
her a regular hiding.

30 ?

ACT III HOME AND BE AUTT

Victoria How awful 1
Mr Raham It was indeed, for she threw her arms round
his neck, and, saying she adored him, refused to have
anything more to do with the divorce She was going
to marry a colonel in the army, and he was most offensive
to me about it I had to tell him that if he didn’t leave
my office I would send for the police
Victoria You’re dreadfully discouraging
Mr Raham Oh, I merely tell you that to show you what
may happen But I have devised my own system and
have never known it fail I always arrange for three
definite acts of cruelty First at the dinner-table Now,
please listen to me carefully, gentlemen, and follow my
instructions to the letter When you ha\e tasted your
soup you throw down the spoon with a clatter and say
Good Lord, this soup is uneatable Can’t you get a
decent cook^ You, madam, will answer I do my best,
darling Upon which you, crying with a loud voice
Take that, you damned fool, throw the plate straight
at her With a little ingenuity the lady can dodge the
plate, and the only damage is done to the table-cloth
Victoria I like that

Mr Raham The second act is a little more violent I
suppose you have a revolver
William At all events, I can get one
Mr. Raham* Having carefully removed the cartridges, you
ring the bell for the servant, and just as she opens the
door, you point it at the lady and say You lying devil.
I’ll kill you Then you, madam, give a loud shriek, and
cry to the maid. Oh, save me, save me.

Victoria I shall love doing that So dramatic.

Mr Raham I think it’s effective When the servant tells
her story in court it is very seldom that an audible thrill
does not pass over the audience They describe it in the
papers as Sensation.

HOME AND BEAUTY

ACT m

308

Victori \ [Practising ] Oh, save me Save me
Mr. Raham Now we come to physical as opposed to moral
cruelty It’s as well to have two witnesses to this The
gentleman takes the lady by the throat, at the same time
hissing malevolently Pll throttle you if I swing for it,
by God IPs very important to leave a bruise so that
the doctor, who should be sent for immediately, can
swear to it

Victoria I don’t like that part so much
Mr Raham Believe me, it’s no more unpleasant than
having a tooth stopped Now if one of you gentlemen
would just go up to the ladv we’ll practise that I set
great store on this particular point, and it’s important
that there should be no mistake Major Cardew, would
you mind obliging^

William Not at all
Victoria Be careful, Bill

William Do I take her with both hands or only one^

Mr Raham Only one

[William seizes Victoria by the throat

Mr Raham That’s right If he doesn’t press hard enough
kick him on the shins

William If you do, Victoria, I swear I’ll kick you back.
Mr Raham. That’s the spirit You can’t make a bruise
without a little violence Now hiss
Victoria Pm choking
Mr Raham Hiss, hiss.

William I’ll throttle you if I swing for it, by God
Mr Raham Splendid! A real artist You’re as good as
divorced already

Victoria. He did say it well, didn’t he? It really made my
Frederick. Do you want me to do it too?

ACT m

HOME AND BEAUTY

309

Mr Raham Now you’ve seen the idea I think it’ll do if
you just practise it once or twice with Major Cardew

Frederick Oh, ail right

Mr Raham Now we come to a point trivial enough in
itself, but essential in order to satisfy the requirements
of our English law Adultery

William That I think you can safely leave to us

Mr. Raham By no means I think that would be most
dangerous

William Hang it all, man, human nature can surely be
trusted there

Mr Raham We are not dealing with human nature, we
are dealing with law

William Law be blowed With the price of a supper m
my pocket and an engaging manner I am prepared to
supply you with all the evidence you want

Mr Raham I am shocked and horrified by your suggestion
Do you expect a man in my position to connive at
immorality

William Immorality Well, there must be — shall we say
a joupfon of it — under the painful circumstances

Mr Raham Not at all I always arrange this part of the
proceedings with the most scrupulous regard to pro-
priety And before we go any further I should like to
inform you that unless you are prepared to put out of
your mind anything that is suggestive of indecent
behaviour I shall decline to have anything more to do
with the case

Victoria I think you must have a nasty mind, BilL

William But, my dear Victoria, I only wanted to make
things easy for you. I apologize I put myself in your
hands, Mr Raham.

Mr. Raham Then please listen to me I will engage a suite

1 10 HOME AND BEAUTI ACT III

of zooms for you at the Hotel Majestic You will
remember it was from there you wrote the letter in
which you declined to return to your wife The judge
never fails to remark on the coincidence On a date to
be settled hereafter vou will come to my office, where
you will meet a lad^

William Do }ou mean to sat you provide her too^

Mil Raham Certain! v

Frederick What’s she like 15

Mr Raham A most respectable person I have employed
her in these cases for many tears

William It sounds as though she made a business of it

Mr Rah am She does

Frederick What!

Mil Raham Yes, she had the idea — a most mgemous one
to my mind — that in these days of specialized pro-
fessions there was great need for someone to undertake
the duties of intervener That is the name by which
the lady is known adultery with whom is the motive
for divorce She has been employed by the best legal
firms in London, and she has figured in practically all
the fashionable divorces of the last fifteen years

William You amaze me

Mr. Raham I have felt it my duty to give her all the work
I can on account of a paralyzed father, whom she
supports entirely by her exertions

Victoria Not an unpleasant existence, I should imagine

Mr* Raham If you knew her you would realize that no
thought of that has ever entered her mind* A most
unselfish, noble-minded woman

William Does she make money by it?

Mr. Raham Sufficient for her simple needs She only
charges twenty guineas for her services.

ACT in HOME AND BEAUTY AH

William Fm sure I could get it done for less

Mr Raham Not by a woman of any refinement

William Well, well, with most of us it’s only once in a
lifetime

Mr Raham I will proceed You will fetch this lady at my
office, and you will dnve with her to the Hotel Majestic,
where you will register as Major and Mrs Cardew You
will be shown into the suite of rooms which I shall
engage for you, and supper will be served in the sitting-
room You will partake of this, and you will drink
champagne

William I should like to choose the brand myself

Mr Raham [Magnanimously ] I have no objection to that

William Thanks

Mr Raham Then you will pla} cards Miss Montmorency
is a wonderful card-pla\ er She not only has an un-
paralleled knowledge of all games for two, but she can
do a gieat number of tricks In this way you will find
the night pass without tediousness, and in the morning
you will ring for breakfast

Frederick Fm not sure if I should have much appetite
for it.

Mr Raham I never mind my clients having brandy and
soda instead It looks well in the waiter’s evidence And
after having paid your bill, you will take Miss Mont-
morency in a taxi-cab and deposit her at my office

William It sounds a devil of a beano

Frederick I should like to see her first.

Mr. Raham* That is perfectly easy I know that ladies in
these cases often like to see the intervener themselves
Ladies are sometimes very suspicious, and even though
they’re getting rid of their husbands, they don’t want
them to — well, run any nsks, and so I took the liberty
of bringing Miss Montmorency with me She is waiting

3 12 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT IH

m the taxi at the door, and if you like I will go and
fetch her

Frederick Ai Til go along and bring her down*
Victoria 1$ she the sort of person I should like to meet,
Mr Raham?

Mr Raham Oh, a perfect lady She comes from one of
the best families in Shropshire
Victoria Do fetch her, Freddie Now I come to think of
it, I should like to see her Men are so weak, and I
shall be easier m my mind if I can be sure that these
poor boys won’t be led astray

[Frederick goes out

William Do you mean to say that with this evidence you
will be able to get a divorce^

Mr Raham Not a doubt of it Fve got hundreds
William I am only a soldier, and I dare say you will not
be surprised if I am mentally deficient
Mr Raham Not at all Not at all

William Why on earth does such a state of things exist ^
Mr Raham Ah, that is a question which at one time I
often asked myself I confess it seemed to me that when
two married persons agreed to separate it was nobody’s
business but their own I think if they announced their
determination before a justice of the peace, and were
given six months to think the matter over, so that they
might be certain they knew their minds, the marriage
might then be dissolved without further trouble Many
lies would never be told, much ditty linen would never
be washed in public, and the sanctity of the marriage
tie would be strengthened rather than lessened if the
world were spared the spectacle of the sordid aspect
the state which is called blessed too often wears There
would be a notable saving of time, money and decency*
But at last I hit upon the explanation.

ACT in HOME AND BEAUTY 313

William What is it, then*

Mr Raham If the law were always wise and reasonable it
would be obeyed so easily that to obey the law would
become an instinct Now, it is not for the good of the
community that the people should be too law-abiding
So our ancestors in the wisdom of their hearts devised
certain laws which were vexatious or absurd, so that
men should break them and therefore be led insensibly
to break others

William But why is it not for the good of the community
that the people should be too law-abiding*

Mr Raham My dear sir, how else would the lawyers earn
their living*

William I had forgotten I see your point
Mr Raham I hope I have convinced you
William Completely

[At this moment Frederick comes tn He ts pale and
dishevelled He staggers mto the room like a man
who has been exposed to a tremendous shock,
Frederick [Gasping ] Brandy! Brandy!

William What’s the matter*

Frederick Brandy!

[He fills almost half a glass with brandy and tosses it
off A voice ts heard outside the door
Miss Montmorency Is this the way*

Mr Raham, Come straight an. Miss Montmorency

[She enters She ts a spnster of uncertain age She might
he fifty-five She looks rather like a hard-boiled egg,
but there ts tn her gestures a langad grace She speaks
mth a slight drawl, pronouncing her words with
refinement , and her manner ts a mixture of affability
and condescension She might be a gmmess m a my
good family tn the suburbs. Her respectahhty ts
portentous .

act m

3*4 HOME A Is D BEAUTY

Miss Montmorency But tins is the kitchen

[William takes a long look at her y then gets up and
goes to the brandy His band shakes so violently that
the neck of the bottle rattles against the glass He
takes a long drink

Victoria Pm afraid it's the only room in the house that’s
hamtable at the moment

Miss Montmorency To the practised observer the signs
of domestic xnielicity jump to the eye, as the French say

Mr Raham Miss Montmorency — Mrs Frederick Lowndes

Miss Montmorency [Graciously] Pm charmed to make
your acquaintance The injured wife, I presume?

Victoria Er — yes

Miss Montmorency So sad So sad Pm afraid the war is
responsible for the rupture of many happy marriages.
Pm booked up for weeks ahead So sad So sad

Victoria Do sit down, won’t you

Miss Montmorency Thank you Do you mind if I get
out my note-book^ I like to get everything perfectly
clear, and my memory isn’t what it was

Victoria Of course

Miss Montmorency And now, which of these gentlemen
is the erring husband?

Victoria Well, they both are.

Miss Montmorency* Oh, really And which are you going
to marry after you’ve got your divorce.

Victoria Neither.

Miss Montmorency: This is a very peculiar case, Mr
Raham. When I saw these two gentlemen I naturally
concluded that one of them was the husband Mrs
Frederick Lowndes was discarding and the other the
husband she was acquiring The eternal triangle, you
know.

ACT m

HOME AND BEAUTY

3*5

William In this case the triangle is four-sided
Miss Montmorency Oh, how very peculiar

Mr Raham We see a lot of strange things in our business.
Miss Montmorency

Miss Montmorency To whom do you say it* as the
French say

Victoria I don't want you to think that Fve been at all
light or careless, but the fact is, through no fault of
my own, they're both my husbands
Miss Montmorency [Taking it as a matter of course ] Oh,
really How very interesting And which arc you
divorcing^

Victoria I'm divorcing them both
Miss Montmorency Oh, I see Very sad Very sad
William We're taking as cheerful a view of it as we can
Miss Montmorency Ah, yes, that's what I say to my
clients Courage Courage
Frederick [With a start ] When?

Victoria Be quiet, Freddie

Miss Montmorency I think I ought to tell you at once that
I shouldn't like to misconduct myself — I use the tech-
nical expression— with both these gentlemen
Mr Raham Oh, Miss Montmorency, a woman of your
experience isn't going to strain at a gnat
Bliss Montmorency No, but I shouldn't like to swallow
a camel.

Mr Raham. We shall be generous. Miss Montmorency.
Miss Montmorency I have to think of my self-respect.

One gentleman is business, but two would be debauchery.
Mr Raham Mrs Lowndes is anxious to put this matter
through as quickly as possible.

Miss Montmorency I dare say my friend Mrs. Onslow
Jervis would oblige if I asked hoc as a personal favour.

HOME AND BEAUTY

act m

316

Victoria Are you sure she can be trusted^

Miss Montmorency Oh, she’s a perfect lady and most
respectable She’s the widow of a clergyman, and she
has two sons in the army They’ve done so well in the war

Mr Raham Unless we can get Miss Montmorency to
reconsider her decision I’m afraid we shall have to put
up with Mrs Onslow Jervis

Miss Montmorency I am adamant, Mr Raham Adamant

Frederick I’m all for Mrs Onslow Jervis personally

Miss Montmorency Then you fall to me. Major I
didn’t catch your name.

William Cardew

Miss Montmorency I hope you play cards

William Sometimes

Miss Montmorency I’m a great card-player Piquet,
6cart6, cnbbage, double dummy, baccarat, bezique, I
don’t imnd what I play It’s such a rehef to find a
gentleman who’s fond of cards.

William Otherwise I daresay the night seems rather long.

Miss Montmorency Oh, not to me, you know I’m such
a student of human nature But my gentlemen begin
to grow a little restless when I’ve talked to them for six
or seven hours

William I can hardly believe it

Miss Montmorency One gentleman actually said he wanted
to go to bed, but, of course, I told him that would
never do

Victoria Forgive my asking — you know what men are —
do they never attempt to take any liberties with you^

Miss Montmorency; Oh no. If you’re a lady you can always
keep a man in his place. And Mr Raham only takes the
very best sort of divorces. The only unpleasantness Fve
ever had was with a gentleman seat to me by a firm of
solicitors in a cathedral aty I took a dislike to him the

ACT m HOME AND BEAUTY 317

first moment I saw him, and when he refused to drink
anything at supper but ginger-beer I was on my guard
A cold sensualist, I said to myself

Victoria Oh, I know so well what you mean

Miss Montmorency He had no sooner finished his second
bottle of ginger-beer than, without any warning at ail,
he said I am going to kiss you You could have heard
a pm drop I pretended to think he was joking, so 1
said We have met for business rather than pleasure
And what d’you think he answered^ He said This is
one of the rare occasions on which one can combine the
two I didn't lose my presence of mind I expostulated
with him I told him I was a woman and defenceless,
and he said That's just it Not a gentleman, of course,
not in the best sense of the word I appealed to his
better nature But all in vain I didn't know what to do,
when suddenly I had an inspiration I rushed to the
door and called in the detective who was watching us
He protected me

Mr Raham It was risky. Miss Montmorency The judge
might have said there was collusion

Miss Montmorency Necessity knows no law, Mr Raham,
as those dreadful Germans say, and I was terribly
frightened

William I can assure you. Miss Montmorency, that you
need have no fear that I shall take advantage of your
delicate position.

Miss Montmorency* Of course, you will divest yourself
of none of yourjmment

Wi lliam On the contrary, I propose to put on an extra
suit of clothes.

Miss Montmorency* Oh, Mr. R aham, please don't forget
that I only drink Fommery. In the Twickenham divorce
they sent up Pol Roger, and Pol Roger always gives me

$l8 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT III

indigestion. Fortunately the dear Marquis, who suffers
from dyspepsia, had some pepsin tabloids with him or
I don’t know what I should have done

Me Rahim I’ll make a note of it at once

Miss Montmorency 1906 [To William] I’m sure we
shall have a delightful night I can see that we have
much in common

William It’s too good of you to say so

Miss Montmorency [To Frederick ] And I know you’ll
like Mrs Onslow Jervis A perfect lady She has such
charm of manner So much ease You can see that she
did a lot of entertaining when her husband was Vicar
of Clacton They have a very nice class of people at
Clacton

Frederics: I shall be charmed to meet her

Miss Montmorency You will take care not to be at all
risque, as the French say, in your conversation, won’t
you? Of course, she’s a woman of the world, but as
the widow of the Vicar of Clacton she feels it only due
to herself to be a little particular

Frederick I promise you I’ll be very careful

Miss Montmorency I don’t know what Mr Raham would
say to our sharing a suite We could play bridge She’s
a very fine bridge-player, and we only play threepence
a hundred, because in her position she can hardly gamble,
can she?

Mr Raham I always like to oblige you. Miss Montmorency,
but I hardly think that arrangement would do You
know how fussy the judges are. We might hit upon
one of them who saw nothing m it

Miss Montmorency: I know. They’re tiresome, silly
creatures

Mr Raham: Why, the other day I came across one who
wouldn’t believe the worst had happened when a man

ACT III HOME AND BEAUTY 3*9

and a woman, not related in any way, mind Ton, vere
proved to have been alone in a room together for three-
quarters of an hour

Miss Montmorency Oh, well, let us take no risks Business
is business It must be you and me alone then. Major
Cardew You will let me know in good time when you
fix the fatal night Fm very much booked up just now
Mr Raham Of course, we will do everything to suit vour
convenience. Miss Montmorency And now, Mrs
Lowndes, since we have settled everything, I think Mss
Montmorency and I will go
Victoria I can’t think of anything else
Miss Montmorency Excuse my taking the liberty , Mrs
Frederick Lowndes, but after your great trouble is over
should you be wanting any face massage, ma) I give
you my card 5

Victoria Oh, do } ou do face massage 5

Miss Montmorency Only for ladies who are personal!)

recommended to me Here is my card
Victoria [Looking at it ] Esmeralda
Miss Montmorency Yes, it’s a pretty name, isn’t it 5 I also
make the Esmeralda cream The Marchioness of
Twickenham’s face was simply ravaged when she was
divorcing the Marquis, and, believe me, after a course
of twelve treatments you wouldn’t have known her
Victoria Of course, all this sort of thing is a great nervous
shock*

Miss Montmorency* Oh, I know And there’s nothing like
face massage for soothing the nerves*

Victoria* I’ll certainly keep your card*

Miss Montmorency Good-bye, then. [Tv Wiixiam ] Fm
not going to say good-bye to you, but au revolt
William Believe me, I loci forward to our next meeting
Mr Raham Good morning, Mr, trades* Good

$*0 HOME AND BEAUTY ACT III

morning [Moving towards the door that leads mio the area ]
Shall we go out th*s way 5

Miss Montmorency [Just a little taken aback ] The area
steps 5 Oh, very well It’s so quaint and old-fashioned
I always think a lady if she is a hd\ can do anything
[She gives a gracious how and goes out > followed by
Mr Raham

William This is a bit of all right that }ouVe let us in for,
Victoria

Victoria Well, darling, it’s the only thing IVe ever asked
you to do for me in all my life, so you n eedn't complain
William I will bear it like a martyr
Victoria Now, the only thing left is for me to bid you
good-bye

Frederick Already?

Victoria You must understand that under the circum-
stances it wouldn't be quite nice for me to stay here
Besides, without servants, it's beastly uncomfortable
William Won’t you even stay to luncheon 5
Victoria I don't think I will, thanks I think I shall get
a better one at mother's
Frederick Oh, are you going there 5

Victoria Where else do you expect a woman to go in a
rnsis like this 5

William I should think the steak was about done, Freddie
Frederick. Oh, I'd give it another hour or two to make
sure

Victoria. Of course, I realize that it's a painful moment
for both of you, but as you say, we shan't make it any
easier by dragging it out
William True.

Victoria Good-bye, BilL I forgive you everything, and
I hope we shall always be good friends

ACT III HOME AND BEAUTY 321

William Good-bye, Victoria I hope this will cot be by
any means your last marriage,

Victoria When everything is settled you must come an d
dine with us I’m sure you’ll find that Leicester has the
best wines and agars that money can buy

[She turns to km an indifferent cheek
William [Kissing it ] Good-bye

Victoria And now, Freddie, it’s your turn Now that
there’s nothing more between us you might give me
back that pin I gave you
Frederick [Taking it out of bis tie ] Here you are*

Victoria And there was a agarette-case
Frederick [Giving it her ] Take it*

Victoria They say jewellery has gone up tremendously m
value since the war I shall give Leicester a agarette-
case as a wedding present
William You always do, Victoria

Victoria Men like it Good-bye, Freddie dear I shall
always have a pleasant recollection of you

[She turns the other cheek to km
Frederick Good-bye, Victoria
William Would you like a taxP

Victoria No, thanks I think the exerase will do me good
[She gpes out, and is seen tripping up the area steps
Frederick A wonderful woman

William I shall never regret having married her Now
let’s have lunch

Frederick I wish I looked forward to it as much as you do
William Dear old man, has this affecting scene taken away
your appetite?

Frederick It’s not the appetite I’m doubtful about* It’s
the steak

ACT HI

5*a HOME A Is D BEAUTY

William Oh, don’t you worry yourself about that I’ll
just dish up [He goes over to the stove and frits to get the
steak out of the frying-pan ] Come out, you great fat de\il
It won’t come out

Frederica That’s your trouble

W illiam [Bringing the frying-pan to the fable] Ob, well, we
can eat it just as well out of the filing-pan Shall I
cane it*

Frederick [Sitting down] Please

[William takes a knife and stats to cut the* steak It
non’t cut He apples font The steok resists
stealthily A little surprised, WrxiLAM puts some -
what more strength into it He mhs no empress ton
He begins to grow i exed He starts to struggle He
sets bis teeth It is all m vain TSe sweat pours
from his brow Frederick watches hum in gloomy
silence At last in a passion Wieliajm throws down
the knife

William [Furiously] Why don’t you say something, you
fool?

Frederick [Gently ] Shall I go and fetch my little hatchet^

William [Attacking the steak again angrily xwtb the knife ]
I know my theory’s right If you cook a pound of meat
a quarter of an hour you must cool three pounds of
meat three quarters of an hour

[A boy , carrying a large, square, rneni basket^ is seen
coming donn the area steps He Anoerks M the door

Frederick Hulloa, who’s this? [He goes to tie door and
opens ] What can I do for you, my soot?

Clarence Does Mrs Frederick Lowndes liire lerei*

Frederick In a manner of speaking.

Clarence [Coming m ] From the Ritas Hotel

Frederick What’s that* Walk right ia* any bay* Put it
on the table.

ACT XII HOME AND BEAUTY

William [Looking at the label ] With Mr Leicester Patou’s
compliments

Frederick It’s luncheon.

Clarence I was told to give the basket to the lad?
personally

Frederick That’s all right, my boy

Clarence If the lady’s not here I’m to take it back again

William [Promptly ] She’s just coming downstairs [He
goes to the door and calls ] Victoria, m? darling, that kind
Mr Leicester Paton has sent you a little light refresh-
ment from the Ritz

Frederick There’s half-a-crowa for you, my lad Now,
you hop it quick

Clarence Thank you, sir.

[Hr goes out

Frederick Now you can eat the steak if you like I’m
going to eat Victoria’s luncheon

William It’s a damned unscrupulous thing to do M
join you

[They hurriedly begin to unpack the basket

Frederick* [Taking off a cover ] What’s here? Chicken en
casserole?

William That’s all right. Here, give me that bottle and
see me open it

[He takes out a bottle of champagne and proceeds to
open st

Frederick Pate de foie gras Good Caviare? No Smoked
salmon Stout fellow, Mr Leicester Paton.

William Don’t stand there stanng at it Get it out*

Frederick This is a regular beano.

William I’m beginning to think the waogler won the war
after alL

ACT in

324 HOME AND BEAUTY

Frederick Mousse m jambon He’s got some idea of
Victoria’s appetite

William My dear fellow, love is alwavs blind
Frederick Thank God for it, that’s all I say How’s that
cork going*

William Half a mo It’s just coming
Frederick This is what I call a nice little snack Dear
Victoria, she was a good sort
William. In her wav
Frederick But give me pate de fo e gras
William [Get/ ng the bottle opened ] Pop Hand over your
glass

Frederick Here you are I’m as hungry as a trooper
William Before we start, I want you to drink a toast
Frederick 111 drink anything

William [Holding up his glass ] Victoria’s third husband
Frederick God help him!

William And for us — liberty

[As they dram their glasses the curtain falls quickly

The End

THE CIRCLE

A COMEDY
tn Three Arts

CHARACTERS

Clive Champion-Cheney
Arnold Champion-Cheney, M P
Lord Porteous
Edward Luton

Lady Catherine Champion-Ciieney
Elizabeth
Mrs Shenstone
A Footman and a Butler

The action fakes place at Aston- Adey\ Arnold
Champion-Chenef s house tn Dorset *

THE CIRCLE

THE FIRST ACT

The Seem ts a stately drawing-room at Aston-Adey, with fim
pictures on the walls and Georgian furniture Aston-Adey
has been described > with many illustrations , m Country Life
It is not a bouse , but a place Its owner takes a great pride
m it y and there ts nothing m the room which is not of the
period Through the French windows at the back can be seen
the beautiful gardens which are one of the features

It is a fim summer morning

Arnold comes m He is a man of about thirty-five, tall and
good-looking, fasTy with a clean-cut, sensitive face He has a
look that is intellectual, hut somewhat bloodless He ts very
well dressed

Arnold [Calling ] Elizabeth! [He goes to the window and
calls again] Elizabeth! [He rings the bell While be ts
wasting he gives a look round the room He slightly alters the
position of om of the chairs He takes an ornament from the
cbinmy-pieee and blows the dust from it ]

[A Footman comes tn.

Oh, George! See if you can find Mrs Cheney, ana ask
her if she’d be good enough to come here*

Footman Very good* sir.

[Tin Footman turns to go

Arnold Who is supposed to look after this room?

Footman I don’t know, sir,

Arnold: I wash when they dust they'd take care to replace
the things exactly as they were before,

5

6

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

Footman Yes, sit

Arnold {Dismissing him ] All right

[The Footman goes out He goes again to the window
and sails

Arnold Elizabeth 1 [He sees Mrs Shenstone ] Oh, Anna,
do you know where Elizabeth is*

[Mrs Shenstone comes m from the garden She is a
woman of forty y pleasant and of elegant appearance
Anna Isn’t she playing tennis*

Arnold No, I’ve been down to the tennis court Some-
thing very tiresome has happened
Anna Oh*

Arnold I wonder where the deuce she is
Anna When do you expect Lord Porteous and Lady
Kitty*

Arnold They’re motoring down In time for luncheon
Anna Are you sure you want me to be here* It’s not too
late yet, you know I can have my things packed and
catch a tram for somewhere or other
Arnold No, of course we want you It’ll make it so much
easier if there are people here It was exceedingly kind
of you to come
Anna Oh, nonsense!

Arnold And I think it was a good thing to have Teddie
Luton down

Anna He is so breezy, isn’t he?

Arnold Yes, that’s his great asset I don’t know that he’s
very intelligent, but, you know, there are occasions when
you want a bull in a china shop. I sent one of the
servants to find Elizabeth

Anna I daresay she’s putting on her shoes. She and Te<fo»e
were going to have a single

Arnold. It can’t take all this time to change one’s shoes.

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

7

Anna [Wifi a smile ] One can’t change one’s shoes without
powdering one’s nose, you know

[Eliz ibeth comes in She is a terj pretty creature m
the early twenties She nears a light summer frock
Arnold My dear, Fve been hunting for you everywhere
What have you been doing 5

Elizabeth Nothing 1 I’ve been standing on my head

Arnold My father’s here

Elizabeth [Startled] Where 5

Arnold At the cottage He arrived last night.

Elizabeth Damn!

Arnold [Good-humouredly ] I wish you wouldn’t say that,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth If you’re not going to «a\ Damn when a
thing’s damnab’c, when are you going to say Damn 5
Arnold I should have thought you could say. Oh,
bother! or something like that
Elizabeth But that wouldn’t express mv sentiments
Besides, at that speech day when you were gi\ mg away
the prizes you said there were no synonyms in the
English language

Anna [Smiling ] Oh, Elizabeth! It’s very unfair to expect
a politician to live in private up to the statements he
makes in public

Arnold I’m always willing to stand by anything I’ve said
There are no synonyms in the English language
Elizabeth In that case I shall be regretfully forced to
continue to say Damn whenever I fed like it

[Edward Luton shows himself at the window He is
an attractive youth in flannels*

Teddie I say, what about this tennis 5
Elizabeth Come m We’re having a scene.

Tbddie. [Entering ] How splendid! What about?

8

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

Elizabeth The English language

Teddie Don’t tell me you’ve been splitting your infinitives

Arnold [ With the shadow of a from ] I wish you’d be senous,
Elizabeth The situation is none too pleasant

Anna I think Teddie and I had better make ourselves
scarce

Elizabeth Nonsense! You’re both in it If there’s going
to be any unpleasantness we want your moral support
That’s why we asked you to come

Teddie And I thought I’d been asked for my blue eyes

Elizabeth Vain beastl And they happen to be brown*

Teddie Is anything up?

Elizabeth Arnold’s father arrived last night

Teddie Did he, by Jove! I thought he was in Pans

Arnold So did we all He told me he’d be there for the
next month

Anna Have you seen him?

Arnold No! He rang me up It’s a mercy he had a tele-
phone put m the cottage It would have been a pretty
kettle of fish if he’d just walked m

Elizabeth Did you tell him Lady Catherine was coming*

Arnold Of course not I was flabbergasted to know he
was here* And then I thought we’d better talk it over
first.

Elizabeth Is he coming along here?

Arnold Yes He suggested it, and I couldn’t think of any
excuse to prevent him.

Teddie. Couldn’t you put the other people off?

Arnold* They’re coming by car. They may be here any
minute. It’s too late to do that

Elizabeth Besides, it would be beastly.

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

Arnold I knew it was sillv to have them here
insisted

9

Elizabeth

Elizabeth After all, she is your mother, Arnold
Arnold That meant precious little to her w hen she — went
aw ay You can't imagine it means very much to me now
Elizabeth It’s thirty rears ago It seems so absurd to bear
mahce after all that time

Arnold I don’t bear malice, but the fact remains that she
did me the most irreparable harm I can find no excuse
tor her

Elizabeth Have }ou ever tried to*

Arnold My dear Elizabeth, it’s no good going over all that
again The facts are lamentably simple She had a
husband who adored her, a wonderful position, all the
money she could want, and a child of five And she
ran away with a married man

Eliz ibeth Lady Porteous is not a very attractive woman,
Arnold [Ta Anna ] Do you know her*

Anna \Smdtng ] Forbidding is the word, I think

Arnold It you’re going to make little jokes about it, I have
nothing more to say

Anna I’m sorry, Arnold

Elizabeth Perhaps your mother couldn’t help herself— if
she was m love?

Arnold And had no sense of honour, duty, or decency*
Oh, yes, under those circumstances you can explain a
great deal

Elizabeth That’s not a very pretty way to speak of your
mother

Arnold I can’t look on her as my mother

Elizabeth What you can’t get over is that she didn’t think
of you Some of us are more mother and some ot us
more woman It gives me a little thrill when I th i nk that

K

IO

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

she loved that man so much She sacrificed her name,
her position and her child to him
Arnold You really can’t expect the said child to have any
great affection for the mother who treated him like that
Elizabeth No, I don’t think I do But I think it’s a pity
after all these years that you shouldn’t be friends
Arnold I wonder if you realise what it was to grow up
under the shadow of that horrible scandal Everywhere,
at school, and at Oxford, and afterwards in London,
I was always the son of Lady Kitty Cheney Oh, it was
cruel, cruel!

Elizabeth Yes, I know, Arnold It was beastly for you
Arnold It would have been bad enough if it had been an
ordinary case, but the position of the people made it
ten times worse My father was in the House then, and
Porteous — he hadn’t succeeded to the title — was in the
House too, he was Under-Secretary for Foreign Affairs,
and he was very much m the public eye
Anna My father always used to say he was the ablest man
in the party Every one was expecting him to be
Pnme Minister

Arnold You can imagine what "a boon it was to the
British public They hadn’t had such a treat for a
generation The most popular song of the day was about
my mother Did you ever hear it? "Naughty Lady
Kitty Thought it such a pity ”

Elizabeth interrupting} Oh, Arnold, don’t!

Arnold And then they never let people forget them If
they’d lived quietly in Florence and not made a fuss the
scandal would have died down But those constant
actions between Lord and Lady Porteous kept on
reminding everyone

Teddie What were they having actions about?

Arnold Of course my father divorced hia wife, but Lady

ACT I THE CIRCLE XX

Porteous refused to divorce Porteous He tried to force
her by refusing to support her and turning her out of her
house, and heaven knows what They were constantly
wrangling in the law courts

Anna I think it was monstrous of Lady Porteous

Arnold She knew he wanted to marry my mother, and she
hated my mother You can't blame her

Anna It must have been very difficult for them,

Arnold That’s why they’ve lived in Florence Porteous
has money They found people there who were willing
to accept the situation

Elizabeth This is the first time they’ve ever come to
England

Arnold My father will have to be told, Elizaoeth,

Elizabeth Yes

Anna [To Elizabeth ] Has he ever spoken to you about
Lady Kitty^

Elizabeth Never

Arnold I don’t think her name has passed his bps since
she ran away from this house thirty years ago

Teddie Oh, they lived here?

Arnold Naturally There was a house-party, and one
evening neither Porteous not my mother came down to
dinner The rest of them waited They couldn’t make
it out My father sent up to my mother’s room, and a
note was found on the pin-cushion.

Elizabeth [With a faint smile ] That’s what they did in
the Dark Ages

Arnold I think he took a dislike to this house from that
horrible night He never lived here again, and when
I married he handed the place over to me He just has
a cottage now on the estate that he comes to when he
feels inclined

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

1Z

Elizabeth It’s been very nice for us

Arnold I owe everything to my father I don’t think he’ll
ever forgive me for asking these people to come here

Elizabeth I’m going to take all the blame on myself,
Arnold

Arnold [Irritably ] The situation was embarrassing enough
anyhow I don’t know how I ought to treat them

Elizabeth Don’t you think that’ll settle itself when you
see them

Arnold After all, they’re my guests I shall try and behave
like a gentleman

Elizabeth I wouldn’t We haven’t got central heating

Arnold [Taking no notice ] Will she expect me to kiss hen*

Elizabeth [With a smite j Surely

Arnold It always makes me uncomfortable when people
are effusive

Anna But I can’t understand why you never saw her
before*

Arnold I believe she tried to see me when I was little,
but my father thought it better she shouldn’t

Anna Yes, but when you were grown up^

Arnold She was always in Italy I never went to Italy

Elizabeth It seems to me so pathetic that if you saw one
another in the street you wouldn’t recognise each other

Arnold Is it my fault^

Elizabeth You’ve promised to be very gentle with h„r
and very kind

Arnold The mistake was asking Porteous to come too
It looks as though we condoned the whole thing And
how am I to treat hum* Am I to shake him by the hand
and slap him on the back' 1 He absolutely ruined my
father’s life

ACT I THE CIRCLE 13

Elizabeth [, Smiling ] How much would you give for a nice
motor accident that prevented them from coming^
Arnold I let you persuade me against my better judgment,
and I’ve regretted it ever since
Elizabeth [ Good-humouredly ] I think it’s very lucky that
Anna and Teddie are here I don’t foresee a very
successful party

Arnold Fm going to do my best I gave you my promise
and I shall keep it But I can’t answer for my father
Anna Here is your father

[Mr Champion-Cheney shorn htmseJf at one of the
french windows

C ~C May I come in through the window, or shall I have
myself announced by a supercilious flunkey^*

Elizabeth Come m We’ve been expecting you
C -C Impatiently, I hope, my dear child

[Mr Champion-Cheney is a tall man m the early
sixties, spare , , with a fine head of grey hair and an
intelligent , somewhat ascetic face He is very carefully
dressed He is a man who makes the most of himself
He bears his years jauntily He kisses Elizabeth
and then holds out his hand to Arnold

Elizabeth We thought you’d be in Pans for another
month

C -C How are you, Arnold 5 I always reserve to myself the
privilege of changing my mind It’s the only one elderly
gentlemen share with pretty women
Elizabeth You know Anna

C -C [Shaking hands with her ] Of course I do How very
nice to see you herei Are you staying long 5
Anna As long as I’m welcome
Elizabeth And this is Mr Luton,

C -C How do you do 5 Do you play bridge?

ACT I

14 THE CIRCLE

Luton I do

C -C Capital Do you declare without top honours?
Luton Never

C -C Of such is the kingdom of heaven I see that you are
a good young man

Luton But, like the good in general, I am poor
C-C Never mind, if your principles are right, you can
play ten shillings a hundred without danger I never
play less, and I never play more
Arnold And you — are you going to stay long, father^

C -C To luncheon, if you'll have me

[Arnold gives Elizabeth a harassed look
Elizabeth That'll be jolly

Arnold I didn't mean that Of course you're going to
stay for luncheon I meant, how long are you going to
stay down here?

C-C A week.

[There is a moments pause Everyone hut Champion-
Cheney is slightly embarrassed

Teddie I think we'd better chuck our tennis
Elizabeth Yes I want my father-in-law to tell me what
they're wearing in Paris this week
Teddie. I'll go and put the rackets away

[Tejudie goes out *

Arnold It's nearly one o'clock, Elizabeth
Elizabeth I didn't know it was so late.

Anna [To Arnold ] I wonder if I can persuade you to
take a turn in the garden before luncheon.

Arnold [Jumping at the idea ] I'd love it.

[Anna goes out of the window, and as be follows her he
stops irresolutely

ACT I THE CIRCLE 15

I want you to look at this chair I’ve just got I think
it’s rather good
C -C Charming

Arnold About 1750 , 1 should say Good design, isn’t it*
It hasn’t been restored or anything
C -C Very pretty

Arnold I think it was a good buy, don’t you^

C -C Oh, my dear boy, you know I’m entirely ignorant
about these things

Arnold It’s exactly mv period . I shall see you at
luncheon, then

[Hi? follows Anna through the window
C -C Who is that young man^

Elizabeth Mr Luton He’s only just been demobilised
He’s the manager of a rubber estate in the F M S
C -C And what are the F M S when they’re at home^
Elizabeth The Federated Malay States He joined up at
the beginning of the war He’s just gomg back there
C -C And why have we been left alone in this very marked
manner^

Elizabeth Have we^ I didn’t notice it
C -C I suppose it’s difficult for the young to realise that
one may be old without being a fool
Elizabeth I never thought you that Everyone knows
you’re very intelligent

C-C They certainly ought to by now I’ve told them
often enough Are you a little nervous^

Elizabeth Let me feel my pulse [She puts her finger on
her wrist ] It’s perfectly regular

C -C When I suggested staying to luncheon Arnold looked
exactly like a dose of castor oil

Elizabeth I wish you’d sit down.

ACT I

1 6 THE CIRCLE

C-O Will it make it easier for you? [He takes a chair]
You have evidently something very disagreeable to
say to me

Elizabeth You won’t be cross with me?

C -C How old are you?

Elizabeth Twenty-five,

C -C Fm never cross with a woman under thirty.

Elizabeth Oh, then, I’ve got ten years.

C -C Mathematics?

Elizabeth No Paint

C-C WelP

Elizabeth Reflectively ] I think it would be easier if I sat
on your knees

C -C That is a pleasing taste of yours, but you must take
care not to put on weight

[She sits doun on his knees

Elizabeth Am I boney?

C -C On the contrary I’m listening

Elizabeth Lady Catherine’s coming here.

C -C Who’s Lady Catherine?

Elizabeth Your — Arnold’s mother.

C -C Is she?

[He withdraws himself a little and Elizabeth gets up

Elizabeth You mustn’t blame Arnold It’s my fault I
insisted He was against it I nagged him till he gave
way And then I wrote and asked her to come

C-C I didn’t know you knew her

Elizabeth I don’t But I heard she was in London. She’s
staying at Clandge’s It seemed so heartless not to take
the smallest notice of her

C -C When is she coming?

Elizabeth We’re expecting her in time for luncheon.

ACT I THE CIRCLE 17

C -C As soon as thap I understand the embarrassment

Elizabeth You see, we never expected you to be here
You said you’d be in Pans for another month

C -C My dear child, this is your house There’s no reason
why you shouldn’t ask whom you please to stay with
you

Elizabeth After all, whatever her faults, she’s Arnold’s
mother It seemed so unnatural that they should never
see one another My heart ached for that poor lonely
woman

C -C I never heard that she was lonely, and she certainly
isn’t poor

Elizabeth And there’s something else I couldn’t ask her
by herself It would have been so — so insulting I asked
Lord Porteous, too

C -C I see

Elizabeth I daresay you’d rather not meet them

C-C I daresay they’d rather not meet me I shall get a
capital luncheon at the cottage I’ve noticed you always
get the best food if you come in unexpectedly and have
the same as they’re having in the servants’ hall

Elizabeth No one’s ever talked to me about Lady Kitty
It’s always been a subject that everyone has avoided
I’ve never even seen a photograph of her

C -C The house was full of them when she left I think
I told the butler to throw them in the dust-bin. She was
very much photographed

Elizabeth Won’t you tell me what she was like?

C -C She was very like you, Elizabeth, only she had dark
hair instead of red

Elizabeth Poor dear! It must be quite white now

C-C I daresay She was a pretty litde thing

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

*8

Elizabeth But she was one of the great beauties of her
day They say she was lovely

C -C She had the most adorable little nose, like yours

Elizabeth D’you like my nose^

C ~C And she was very dainty, with a beautiful little figure
very light on her feet She was like a marquise in an old
French comedy Yes, she was lovely

Elizabeth And I’m sure she’s lovely still

C-C She’s no chicken, you know

Elizabeth You can’t expect me to look at it as you and
Arnold do When you’ve loved as she’s loved you may
grow old, but you grow old beautifully

C -C You’re very romantic

Elizabeth If everyone hadn’t made such a mystery of it
I daresay I shouldn’t feel as I do I know she did a great
wrong to you and a great wrong to Arnold I’m willing
to acknowledge that

C -C I’m sure it’s very kind of you

Elizabeth But she loved and she dared Romance is such
an illusive thing You read of it in books, but it’s seldom
you see it face to face I can’t help it if it thrills me

C-C lam painfully aware that the husband in these cases
is not a romantic object

Elizabeth She had the world at her feet You were rich
She was a figure in society And she gave up everything
for love

C -C [Drjly ] I’m beginning to suspect it wasn’t only for
her sake and for Arnold’s that you asked her to come
here

Elizabeth I seem to know her already I think her face
is a little sad, for a love like that doesn’t leave you gay,
it leaves you grave, but I think her pale face is un lined.
It’s like a child’s

ACT I THE CIKCLE 19

C -C My deaf, how you let your imagination run awa}
with you 1

Elizabeth I imagine her slight and frail
C -C Frail, certainly

Elizabeth With beautiful thin hands and white hair IVe
pictured her so often in that Renaissance palace that
they live in, with old masters on the walls and lovely
carved things all round, sitting in a black silk dress with
old lace round her neck and old-fashioned diamonds
You see, I never knew my mother, she died when I was
a baby You can’t confide in aunts with huge families
of their own I want Arnold’s mother to be a mother
to me I’ve got so much to say to her

C -C Are you happy with Arnold ^ 5
Elizabeth Why shouldn’t I he?

C -C Why haven’t you got any babies^

Elizabeth Give us a little time We’ve only been married
three years

C -C I wonder what Hughie is like nou^

Elizabeth Lord Porteous*

C -C He wore his clothes better than any man in London
You know he’d have been Prime Minister if he’d
remained m politics
Elizabeth What was he like then^

C.-C He was a nice-looking fellow Fine horseman. I
suppose there was something very fascinating about him
Yellow hair and blue eyes, you know* He had a very
good figure I liked him. I was his parliamentary
secretary He was Arnold’s godfather*

Elizabeth I know
C -C I wonder if he ever regrets
Elizabeth I wouldn’t.

G-C Well, I must be strolling back to my cottage.

zo

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

Elizabeth You’re not angry with me^

C ~C Not a bit,

[She puts up her face for him to hss He kisses her on
both cheeks and then goes om In a moment Teddib
is seen at the window

Teddie I saw the old blighter go
Elizabeth Come m
Teddie Everything all righP

Elizabeth Oh, quite, as far as he’s concerned He’s going
to keep out of the way
Teddie Was it beastly?

Elizabeth No, he made it very easy for me He’s a nice
old thmg

Teddie You were rather scared
Elizabeth A little I am still. I don’t know why
Teddie I guessed you were I thought I’d come amd give
you a little moral support It’s ripping here, lsqi’t lP
Elizabeth It is rather nice

Teddie It’ll be jolly to think of it when I’m back Jin the
FMS

Elizabeth Aren’t you homesick sometimes^

Teddie Oh, everyone is now and then* you know.

Elizabeth You could have got a job in England if y^u’d
wanted to, couldn’t you?

Teddie Oh, but I love it out there. England’s ripping to
come back to, but I couldn’t live here now ItVkke a
woman you’re desperately in love with as long as you
don’t see her, but when you’re with her she maddens
you so that you can’t bear her

Elizabeth [Smiling ] What’s wrong with England?

Teddie I don’t think anything’s wrong with England 1
expect something’s wrong with me. I’vgh^n away too

\CTI THE CIRCLE It

long England seems to me full of people doing things
they don’t want to because other people expect it of
them

Elizabeth Isn’t that what you call a high degree of
civilisation^

Teddie People seem to me so insincere When you go to
parties m London they’re all babbling about art, and
you feel that in their hearts they don’t care twopence
about it They read the books that everybody is talking
about because they don’t want to be out of it In the
FMS we don’t get very many books, and we read,
those we have over and over again They mean so much
to us I don’t think the people over there are half so
clever as the people at home, but one gets to know them
better You see, there are so few of us that we have to
make the best of one another

Elizabeth I imagine that frills are not much worn in the
FMS It must be a comfort

Teddie It’s not much good being pretentious where
everyone knows exactly who you are and what your
mcome is

Elizabeth I don’t think you want too much sincerity in
society It would be like an iron girder in a house of
cards

Teddie And then, you know, the place is ripping You
get used to a blue sky and you miss it in England

Elizabeth What do you do with yourself all the time?

Teddie Oh, one works like blazes You have to be a
pretty hefty fellow to be a planter And then there’s
ripping bathing You know, it’s lovely, with palm trees
all along the beach And there’s shooting And now
and then we have a little dance to a gramophone

Elizabeth \Pretenchng to tease bm ] I think you’ve got a.
young woman out there, Teddie.

2 2 THE CIRCIE ACT I

Teddie [Vehemently ] Oh, no!

[She is a little taken aback by the earnestness of his dis-
claimer There is a moment 9 s silence , then she recovers
herself

Elizabeth But you’ll have to marry and settle down one
of these days, you know

Teddie I want to, but it’s not a thmg you can do lightly
Elizabeth I don’t know why there more than elsewhere
Teddie In England if people don’t get on they go their
own ways and jog along after a fashion In a place like
that you’re thrown a great deal on your own resources
Elizabeth Of course

Teddie Lots of girls come out because they think they’re
going to have a good time But if they’re empty-headed,
then they’re just faced with their own emptiness and
they’re done If their husbands can afford it they go
home and settle down as grass-widows
Elizabeth I’ve met them They seem to find it a very
pleasant occupation

Teddie It’s rotten for their husbands, though
Elizabeth And if the husbands can’t afford lP
Teddie Oh, then they tipple
Elizabeth It’s not a very alluring prospect

Teddie But if the woman’s the right sort she wouldn’t
exchange it for any life in the world When all’s said and
done, it’s we who’ve made the Empire
Elizabeth What sort is the right sort^

Teddie A woman of courage and endurance and sincerity
Of course, it’s hopeless unless she’s in love with her
husband.

[He is looking at her earnestly and she , raising her eyes *
gives him a long look There is silence between them .

Teddie My house stands on the side of a hill, and the

ACT I

THE CIRCLE

2 3

coconut trees wind down to the shore Azaleas grow
in my garden, and camellias, and all sorts of npping
flowers And in front of me is the winding coast line,
and then the blue sea

[A pause

Do you know that Tm awfully in love with you 5
Elizabeth [Gravely ] I wasn’t quite sure I wondered
Teddie And you 5

[She nods slowly

I’ve never kissed you.

Elizabeth I don’t want you to

[They look at one another steadily They are both grave
Arnold comes m hurriedly

Arnold They’re coming, Elizabeth
Elizabeth [As though returning from a distant world ] Who?
Arnold [Impatiently ] My dearl My mother, of course
The car is just coming up the drive.

Teddie Would you like me to clear out 5
Arnold No, nol For goodness’ sake stay.

Elizabeth We’d better go and meet them, Arnold
Arnold No, no, I think they’d much better be shown in
I feel simply sick with nervousness.

[Anna comes tn from the garden
Anna Your guests have arrived
Elizabeth Yes, I know

Arnold I’ve given orders that luncheon should be served
at once

Elizabeth Why? It’s not half-past one already, is it?
Arnold I thought it would help When you don’t know
exactly what to say you can always eat.

[The Butler comes tn and announces
Butler Lady Catherine Champion-Cheney Lord Porteous*

THE CIRCLE

ACT I

&4

[Lady Kitty comes tn followed by Porteous, and the
Butler goes out Lady Kitty is a gay Izttle lady,
with dyed red hazr and painted cheeks She zs some-
what outrageously dressed She never forgets that she
has been a pretty woman and she still behaves as if
she were twenty-five Lord Porteous is a very
bald \ elderly gentleman tn loose , rather eccentric
clothes He zs snappy and gruff This zs not at all
the couple that Elizabeth expected, and for a
moment she stares at them with round, startled eyes
Lady Kitty goes up to her wzth outstretched hands

Lady Kitty Elizabeth! Elizabeth! [She kisses her effusively ]
What an adorable creature! [Turning to Porteous ]
Hughie, isn’t she adorable^

Porteous [With a grunt ] Ugh!

[Elizabeth, smiling now, turns to him and gives him
her hand

Elizabeth How d’you do^

Porteous Damnable road you’ve got down here How
d’you do, my dear 5 Why d’you have such damnable
roads in England^

[Lady Kitty’s eyes fall on Teddie and she goes up to
him with her arms thrown back, prepared to throw
them round him

Lady Kitty My boy, my boy! I should have known you
anywhere!

Elizabeth [Hastily ] That’s Arnold

Lady Kitty [Without a momenfs hesitation ] The image of
his father! I should have known him anywhere! [She
throws her arms round hzs neck ] My boy, my boy!

Porteous [With a grunt ] Ugh*

Lady Kitty Tell me, would you have known me again?
Have I changed 15

Arnold I was only five, you know, when — when you . .

ACT I THE CIRCLE 2}

Lady Kitty {Emotionally ] I remember as if it was yester-
day I went up into your room [With a sudden change
of manner ] By the way, I always thought that nurse
drank Did you ewer find out if she really did*
Porteous How the devil can you expect him to know that,
Kitty*

Lady Kitty YouVe never had a child, Hughie, how can
you tell what they know and what they don’t*
Elizabeth [Coming to the rescue ] This is Arnold, Lord
Porteous

Porteous [Shaking bands with him ] How d’you do* I knew
your father
Arnold Yes
Porteous Alive still*

Arnold Yes

Porteous He must be getting on Is he well*

Arnold Very

Porteous Ugh! Takes care of himself, I suppose I’m not
at all well This damned climate doesn’t agree with me
Elizabeth [To Lady Kitty] This is Mrs Shenstone
And this is Mr Luton I hope you don’t mind a very
small party

Lady Kitty [ Shaking hands mth Anna and Teddie ] Oh,
no, I shall enjoy it I used to give enormous parties here
Political, you know How nice you’ve made this room!
Elizabeth Oh, that’s Arnold

Arnold [Nervously ] D’you like this chair* I’ve just bought
it It’s exactly my period
Porteous [Bluntly ] It’s a fake
Arnold [Indignantly ] I don’t think it is for a minute
Porteous The legs are not right

Arnold I don’t know how you can say that If there is
anything right about it, it’s the legs

THE CIRCLE

ACT X

z6

Lady Kitty I’m sure they’re right
Porteous You know nothing whatever about it, Kitty
Lady Kitty That’s what you think I think it’s a beautiful
chair Hepplewhite^

Arnold No, Sheraton

Lady Kitty Oh, I know The School for Scandal
Porteous Sheraton, my dear Sheraton
Lady Kitty Yes, that’s what I say I acted the screen
scene at some amateur theatricals in Florence, and
Ermete Novelli, the great Italian tragedian, told me
he’d never seen a Lady Teazle like me
Popteous Ugh!

Lady Kitty [To Elizabeth ] Do you acP
Elizabeth Oh, I couldn’t I should be too nervous

Lady Kitty I’m never nervous I’m a born actress Of
course, if I had my time over again I’d go on the stage
You know, it’s extraordinary how they keep young
Actresses, I mean I think it’s because they’re always
playing different parts Hughie, do you think Arnold
takes after me or after his father* Of course I think he’s
the very image of me Arnold, I think I ought to tell
you that I was received into the Catholic Church last
winter I’d been thinking about it for years, and last
time we were at Monte Carlo I met such a nice mon-
signore I told him what my difficulties were and he was
too wonderful I knew Hughie wouldn’t approve, so I
kept it a secret [To Elizabeth ] Are you interested m
religion^ I think it’s too wonderful* We must have a
long talk about it one of these days [Pomting to her
frock ] CalloP
Elizabeth No, Worth

Lady Kitty I knew it was either Worth or Callot Of
course, it’s line that’s the important thing I go to
Worth myself, and I always say to him. Line, my dear

ACT I

THE CIRCLE

*7

Worth, line What is the matter, Hughie^

Porteous These new teeth of mine are so damned un-
comfortable

Lady Kitty Men are extraordinary They can't stand the
smallest discomfort Why, a woman's life is uncomfort-
able from the moment she gets up in the morning till
the moment she goes to bed at night And d'you think
it's comfortable to sleep with a mask on your face

Porteous They don't seem to hold up properly

Lady Kitty Well, that's not the fault of your teeth That's
the fault of your gums

Porteous Damned rotten dentist That's what's the
matter

Lady Kitty I thought he was a very nice dentist He
told me my teeth would last till I was fifty He has a
Chinese room It’s so interesting, while he scrapes your
teeth he tells you all about the dear Empress Dowager
Are you interested in China^ I think it's too wonderful
You know they've cut off their pigtails I think it’s such
a pity They were so picturesque

[The Butler comes in

Butler. Luncheon is served, sir

Elizabeth Would you like to see your rooms?

Porteous We can see our rooms after luncheon.

Lady Kitty I must powder my nose, Hughie.

Porteous Powder it down here

Lady Kitty I never saw any one so inconsiderate,

Porteous You'll keep us all waiting half an hour I know
you

Lady Kitty [Fumbling in her bag] Oh, well, peace at any
price, as Lord Beaconsfield said.

Porteous He said a lot of damned silly things, Kitty, but
he never said that

[Lady Kitty’s face changes Perplexity is follow’d by
dismay , and dismay by consternation

Lady Kitty Oh!

Elizabeth What is the matter*

Lady Kitty [ With anguish ] My lip-sticH
Elizabeth Can’t you find it*

Lady Kitty I had it in the car Hughie, you remember
that I had it in the car

Porteous I don’t remember anything about it
Lady Kitty Don’t be so stupid, Hughie Why, when we
came through the gates I said My home, my home!
and I took it out and put some on my bps
Elizabeth Perhaps you dropped it in the car
Lady Kitty For heaven’s sake send someone to look for it
Arnold I’ll ring

Lady Kitty I’m absolutely lost without my lip-stick
Lend me yours, darling, will you*

Elizabeth I’m awfullv sorry I’m afraid I haven’t got one
Lady Kitty Do you mean to say you don’t use a lip-
stick?

Elizabeth Never

Porteous Look at her lips What the devil d’you think
she wants muck like that for*

Lady Kitty Oh, my dear, what a mistake you make! You
must use a lip-stick It’s so good for the lips Men like it,
you know I couldn’t live without a lip-stick

[Champion-Cheney appears at the window holding m bis
upstretched hand a little gold case

C -C [As he comes m ] Has any one here lost a diminutive
utensil containing, unless I am mistaken, a favourite pre-
paration for the toilet*

[Arnold and Elizabeth are thunderstruck at bis

ACT I

THE CIRCLE 29

appearance and even Teddie and Anna are taken
aback But Lady Kitty is overjoyed

Lady Kitty My lip-sticki

C -C I found it in the drive and I ventured to bring it in
Lady Kitty It’s Saint Antony I said a little prayer to him
when I was hunting in my bag
Porteous Saint Antony be blowed! It’s Clive, by God 1
Lady Kitty [ Startled , , her attention suddenly turning from the
hp-stick ] Clivel

C -C You didn’t recognise me It’s many years since we met
Lady Kitty My poor Clive, your hair has gone quite
white!

C-C [Holding out his hand] I hope you h«*a a pleasant
journey down from London

Lady Kitty [Offering him her cheek ] You may kiss me,
Clive

C -C [Kissing her ] You Don’t mind, Hughie^

Porteous [ With a grunt ] UghI

C -C [Going up to him cordially ] And how are you, my dear
Hughie^

Porteous Damned rheumatic if you want to know
Fdthy climate you have in this country
C -C Aren’t you going to shake hands with me, Hughie?
Porteous I have no objection to shaking hands with you
C -C You’ve aged, my poor Hughie
Porteous Someone was asking me how old you were the
other day

C -C Were they surprised when you told them?

Porteous Surprised! They wondered you weren’t dead

[The Butler comes in

Butler Did you nng, sir*

Arnold No Oh, yes, I did It doesn’t matter now.

ACT I

30 THE CIRCLE

C -C [As the Butler ts going ] One moment My dear
Elizabeth, I’ve come to throw myself on your mercy
My servants are busy with their own affairs There’s not
a thing for me to eat in my cottage

Elizabeth Oh, but we shall be delighted if you’ll lunch
with us

C -C It either means that or my immediate death from
starvation You don’t mind, Arnold^

Arnold My dear father*

Elizabeth [To the Butler ] Mr Cheney will lunch here

Butler* Very good, ma’am

C-C [To Lady Kitty] And what do you think of
Arnold^

Lady Kitty I adore him.

C -C He’s grown, hasn’t he^ But then you’d expect him to
do that in thirty years

Arnold For God’s sake let’s go in to lunch, Elizabeth!

END OF THE FIRST ACT

THE SECOND ACT

The Scene is the same as m the preceding Act

It is afternoon When the curtain rises Porteous and Lady
Kitty, Anna and Teddie are playing bridge Elizabeth
and Champion-Cheney are watching Porteous and Lady
Kitty are partners

C -C When will Arnold be back, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth Soon, I think

C -C Is he addressing a meeting^

Elizabeth No, it’s only a conference with his agent and
one or two constituents

Porteous [Irritably ] How any one can be expected to play
bridge when people are shouting at the top of their
voices all round them, I for one cannot understand

Elizabeth [Smiling ] I’m so sorry

Anna I can see your hand, Lord Porteous

Porteous It may help you

Lady Kitty I’ve told you over and over again to hold
your cards up It ruins one’s game when one can’t help
seeing one’s opponent’s hand

Porteous One isn’t obliged to look.

Lady Kitty What was Arnold’s majority at the last
election^

Elizabeth Seven hundred and something

C -C He’ll have to fight for it if he wants to keep his seat
next time

Porteous Are we playing bridge, or talking politics^

Lady Kitty I never find that conversation interferes witn
my game

3 *

THE CIRCLE

ACT II

Porteous You certainly play no worse when you talk than
when you hold your tongue

Lady Kitty I think that’s a very offensive thing to say,
Hughie Just because I don’t play the same game as you
do you think I can’t play

Porteous I’m glad you acknowledge it’s not the same
game as I play But why in God’s name do you call it
bridge?

C -C I agree with Kitty I hate people who play bridge as
though they were at a funeral and knew their feet were
getting wet

Porteous Of couise you take Kitty’s part

Lady Kitty That’s the least he can do

C -C I have a naturally cheerful disposition

Porteous You’ve never had anything to sour it

Lady Kitty I don’t know what you mean by that, Hugbue

Porteous [Trying to contain himself ] Must you trump my
ace?

Lady Kitty [Innocently ] Oh, was that your ace, darling?
Porteous [Furiously] Yes, it was my ace
Lady Kitty Oh, well, it was the only trump I had I
shouldn’t have made it anyway
Porteous You needn’t have told them that Now she
knows exactly what I’ve got
Lady Kitty She knew before
Porteous How could she know?

Lady Kitty She said she’d seen your hand
Anna Oh, I didn’t I said I could see it
Lady Kitty Well, I naturally supposed that if she could see
it she did

Porteous Really, Kitty, you have tne most extraordinary
ideas

THE CIRCLE

ACT II

33

C -C Not at all If any one is such a fool as to show me ms
hand, of course I look at it

Porteous [Fuming ] If you study the etiquette of bridge,
you’ll discover that onlookers are expected not to
interfere with the game

C-C My dear Hughie, this is a matter of ethics, not of
bridge

Anna Anyhow, I get the game And rubber,

Teddie I claim a revoke

Porteous Who revoked*

Teddie You did

Porteous Nonsense, I’ve never revoked in my life

Teddie I’ll show you [He turns over the tricks to show the
faces of the cards ] You threw away a club on the third
heart tnck and you had another heart

Porteous I never had more than two hearts.

Teddie Oh, yes, you had Look here That’s the card you
played on the last tnck but one

Lady Kitty [Delighted to catch him out ] There’s no doubt
about it, Hughie You revoked

Porteous I tell you I did not revoke I never revoke

C -C You did, Hughie I wondered what on earth you
were doing

Porteous I don’t know how any one can be expected not
to revoke when there’s this confounded chatter going on
all the time

Teddie Well, that’s another hundred to us

Porteous [To Champion-Cheney ] I wish you wouldn’t
breathe down my neck I never can play bndge when
there’s somebody breathing down my neck.

[The party have risen from the bridge-table, and they scatter
about the room

34

THE CIRCLE

ACT Tjl

Anna Well, Pm going to take a book and lie down in the
hammock till it's time to dress
Teddie [Who has been adding up ] FI1 put it down in the
book, shall P

Porteous [Who has not moved 9 setting out the cards for a
patience ] Yes, yes, put it down I never revoke

[Anna goes out

Lady Kitty Would you like to come for a little stroll,
Hughie*

Porteous What for*

Lady Kitty Exercise
Porteous I hate exercise

C -C [I oohng at the patience ] The seven goes on the eight

[Porteous takes no notice

Lady Kitty The seven goes on the eight, Hughie
Porteous I don't choose to put the seven on the eight
C -C That knave goes on the queen
Porteous I'm not blind, thank you
Lady Kitty The three goes on the four.

C -C All these go over

Porteous [Furiously ] Am I playing this patience, or are
you playing it?

Lady Kitty But you're missing e\ erythmg
Porteous That's my business
C -C It’s no good losing your temper over it, Hughie.
Porteous Go away, both of you You irritate me
Lady Kitty We were only trying to help you, Hughie

Porteous I don't want to be helped I want to do it by
myself

Lady Kitty I think your manners are perfectly deplorable,
Hughie*

ACT B THE CIRCLE $5

Porteous It's simply maddening when you’re playing
patience and people won’t leave you alone
C -C We won’t say another word

Porteous That three goes I believe it’s coming out If
I’d been such a fool as to put that seven up I shouldn’t
have been able to bring these down

[He puts down several cards while they watch him silently
Lady Kitty and C -C [Together ] The four goes on the
five

Porteous [Throwing down the cards violently ] Damn you!

Why don’t you leave me alone^ It’s intolerable
C -C It was coming out, my dear fellow
Porteous I know it was coming out Confound you!
Lady Kitty How petty you are, Hughiel
Porteous Petty, be damned! I’ve told you over and over
again that I will not be interfered with when I’m playing
patience

Lady Kitty Don’t talk to me like that, Hughie
Porteous I shall talk to you as I please.

Lady Kitty [Beginning to cry ] Oh, you brute! You brute!

[She flings out of the room

Porteous Oh, damn! Now she’s going to cry

[He shambles out into the garden Champion-Cheney,
Elizabeth and Teddie are left alone There is a
moment’s pause Champion-Cheney looks from
Teddie to Elizabeth, with an ironical smile
C -C Upon my soul, they might be married They fnp so
much

Elizabeth [Frigidly ] It’s been nice of you to come here so
often since they arrived. It’s helped to make things
easy

C-C Irony? It’s a rhetorical form not much favoured in
this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

THE CIRCLE

ACT 33

3 *

Elizabeth What exactly are you getting at^

C-C How slangy the young women of the present day
arel I suppose the fact that Arnold is a purist leads you to
the contrary extravagance
Elizabeth Anyhow you know what I mean
C -C [With a smile ] I have a dim, groping suspicion
Elizabeth You promised to keep away Why did you
come back the moment they arrived^

C-C Curiosity, my dear child A surely pardonable
curiosity

Elizabeth And since then you’ve been here all the time
You don’t generally favour us with so much of your
company when you’re down at your cottage
C -C I’ve been excessively amused
Elizabeth It has struck me that whenever they started
flipping you took a malicious pleasure in goading them
on

C-C I don’t think there’s much love lost between them
now, do you ?

[Teddie is making as though to leave the room
Elizabeth Don’t go, Teddie

C-C No, please don’t I’m only staying a minute We
were talking about Lady Kitty just before she arrived
[To Elizabeth] Do you remember^ The pale, frail
lady in black satin and old lace
Elizabeth, [With a chuckle ] You are a devil, you know
C-C Ah, well, he’s always had the reputation of being a
humorist and a gentleman

Elizabeth Did you expect her to be like that, poor dear?

C -C My dear child, I hadn’t the vaguest idea You were
asking me the other day what she was like when she ran
away I didn’t tell you half She was so gay and so
natural Who would have thought that animation would

ACT II THE CIRCLE 37

turn into such frivolity, and that charming impulsiveness
lead to such a ridiculous affectation^

Elizabeth It rather sets my nerves on edge to hear the
way you talk of her

C -C It’s the truth that sets your nerves on edge, not I

Elizabeth You loved Irer once Have you no feeling for
her at alP

C -C None Why should P

Elizabeth She’s the mother of your son

C -C My dear child, you have a charming nature, as
simple, frank and artless as hers was Don’t let pure
humbug obscure your common sense

Elizabeth We have no right to judge She’s only been
here two days We know nothing about her

C-C My dear, her soul is as thickly rouged as her face
She hasn’t an emotion that’s sincere She’s tinsel You
think I’m a cruel, cynical old man Why, when I think of
what she was, if I didn’t laugh at what she has become I
should cry

Elizabeth How do you know she wouldn’t be just the
same now if she’d remained your wife^ Do you think
your influence would have had such a salutary effect on
her*

C -C \Good-humouredly ] I like you when you’re bitter and
rather insolent

Elizabeth D’you like me enough to answer my question^*

C-C She was only twenty-seven when she went away
She might have become anything She might have
become the woman you expected her to be There are
very few of us who are strong enough to make circum-
stances serve us We are the creatures of our environ-
ment She’s a silly worthless woman because she’s led a
silly worthless life.

*8

THE CIRCLE

ACT II

Elizabeth [Disturbed] You’re horrible to-day

C -C I don’t say it's I who could have prevented her from
becoming this ridiculous caricature of a pretty woman
grown old But life could Here she would have had the
friends fit to her station* and a decent activity, and
worthy interests Ask her what her life has been «11
these years among divorced women and kept women
and the men who consort with them There is no more
lamentable pursuit than a life of pleasure

Elizabeth At all events she loved and she loved greatly
I have only pity and affection for her

C -C And if she loved what d’you think she felt when she
saw that she had ruined Hughie ? Look at him He was
tight last night after dinner and tight the night before

Elizabeth I know

C -C And she took it as a matter of course How long do
you suppose he’s been getting tight every mght p Do
you think he was like that thirty years ago^ Can you
imagine that that was a brilliant young man, whom every
one expected to be Prime Minister^ Look at him now
A grumpy sodden old fellow with false teeth.

Elizabeth You have false teeth, too

C -C Yes, but damn it all, they fit She’s ruined him and
she knows she’s ruined him

Elizabeth [Looking at him suspiciously] Why are you
saying all this to me ?

C -C Am I hurting your feelings^

Elizabeth I thank I’ve had enough for the present

C -C I’ll go and have a look at the gold-fish I want to see
Arnold when he comes in [Politely ] I’m afraid we’ve
been boring Mr Luton.

Teddie Not at all*

C -C When are you going back to the F M S ?

ACT II

THE CIRCLE

39

Teddie In about a month
C-C I see

[He goes out

Elizabeth I wonder what he has at the back of his head
Teddie D’you think he was talking at you?

Elizabeth He’s as clever as a bagful of monkeys

[There is a moment* s pause Teddie hesitates a little >
and when he speaks it is in a different tone He is grave
and somewhat nervous

Teddie It seems very difficult to get a few minutes alone
with you I wonder if you’ve been making it difficult?

Elizabeth I wanted to think.

Teddie I’ve made up my mind to go away to-morrow
Elizabeth Why^

Teddie I want you altogether or not at all
Elizabeth You’re so arbitrary
Teddie You said you — you said you cared for me
Elizabeth Ido

Teddie Do you mind if we talk it over now^

Elizabeth No

Teddie [Frowning] It makes me feel rather shy and
awkward I’ve repeated to myself over and over again
exactly what I want to say to you, and now all I’d
prepared seems rather footling*/

Elizabeth I’m so afraid I’m going to cry
Teddie I feel it’s all so tremendously serious and I think
we ought to keep emotion out of it You’re rather
emotional, aren’t you^

Elizabeth [Half smiling and half m tears ] So are you for the
matter of that

Teddie. That’s why I wanted to have everything I meant to
say to you cut and dried I think it would be awfully

40

THE CIRCLE

ACT n

unfair if I made love to you and all that sort of thing,
and you were earned away I wrote it all down and
thought I’d send it you as a letter

Elizabeth Why didn’t you?

Teddie I got the wind up A letter seems so — so cold
You see, I love you so awfully

Elizabeth For goodness’ sake don’t say that

Teddie You mustn’t cry Please don’t, or I shall go all to
pieces

Elizabeth [Trying to smile ] I’m sorry It doesn’t mean
anything really It’s only tears running out of my eyes

Teddie Our only chance is to be awfully matter-of-fact

[He stops for a moment He finds it quite difficult to
control himself He clears his throat He frowns with
annoyance at him self

Elizabeth What’s the matter 1

Teddie I’ve got a sort of lump in my throat It is idiotic
I think I’ll have a cigarette

[She watches him in silence while he lights a cigarette

You see, I’ve never been in love with anvone before, not
really It’s knocked me endways I don’t know how I
can live without you now « . Does that old fool
know I’m in love with you?

ELIZABETH I think so

Teddie When he was talking about Lady Kitty smashing
up Lord Porteous’ career I thought there was something
at the back of it

Elizabeth I think he was trying to persuade me not to
smash up yours

Teddie, I’m sure that’s very considerate of him, but I don’t
happen to have one to smash I wish I had It’s the only
time in my life I’ve wished I were a hell of a swell so that

ACT II THE CIRCLE 41

I could chuck it all and show you how much more you
are to me than anything else in the world
Elizabeth [Affectionately ] You’re a dear old thmg 9
Teddie

Teddie You know, I don’t really know how to make love,
but if I did I couldn’t do it now because I just want to be
absolutely practical

Elizabeth [Chaffing him ] I’m glad you don’t know how to
make love It would be almost more than I could bear
Teddie You see, I’m not at all romantic and that sort of
thing I’m just a common or garden business man All
this is so dreadfully serious and I think we ought to be
sensible

Elizabeth [With a break m her voice ] You owl*

Teddie No, Elizabeth, don’t say things like that to me I
want you to consider all the pros and cons 3 and my
heart’s thumping against my chest, and you know I love
you, I love you, I love you
Elizabeth [In a sigh of passion] Oh, my precious
Teddie [. Impatiently , but with himselp , rather than with
Elizabeth ] Don’t be idiotic, Elizabeth I’m not going
to tell you that I can’t live without you and a lot of muck
like that You know that you mean everything in the
world to me [Almost giving it up as a bad job ] Oh, my
God! *

Elizabeth [Her voice faltering ] D’you think there’s any-
thing you can say to me that I don’t know already*
Teddie [. Desperately J But I haven’t said a single thing I
wanted to I’m a business man and I want to put it all in a
business way, if you understand what I mean
Elizabeth [Smiling] I don’t believe you’re a very good
business man

Teddie [Sharply ] You don’t know what you’re talking
about I’m a first-rate business man, but somehow this

N

4 *

THE CIRCLE

ACT II

is different [Hopelessly ] I don’t know why it won’t go

aght

Elizabeth What are we going to do about xt>

Teddie You see, it’s not just because you’re awfully pretty
that I love you I’d love you just as much if you were old
and ugly It’s you I love, not what you look like And
it’s not only love, love be blowed! It’s that I like you so
tremendously I think you’re such a ripping good sort
I just want to be with you I feel so jolly and happy just
to think you’re there I’m so awfully fond of you

Elizabeth [Laughing through her tears ] I don’t know if this
is your idea of introducing a business proposition

Teddie Damn you, you won’t let me

Elizabeth You said. Damn you

Teddie I meant it

Elizabeth Your voice sounded as if you meant, you
perfect duck

Teddie Really, Elizabeth, you’re intolerable

Elizabeth I’m doing nothing

Teddie Yes, you are, you’re putting me off my blow
What I want to say is perfectly simple I’m a very
ordinary business man

Elizabeth You’ve said that before.

Teddie [Angrily ] Shut up I haven’t got a bob besides
what I earn I’ve got no position I’m nothing You’re
rich and you’re a big pot and you’ve got everything that
anyone can want It’s awful cheek my saying anything
to you at all But after all there’s only one thing that
really matters in the world, and that’s love I love you
Chuck all this, Elizabeth, and come to me

Elizabeth Are you cross with me?

Teddie Furious

Elizabeth Darlingl

THE CIRCLE

ACT n

43

Teddie If you don’t want me tell me so at once and let me
get out quickly

Elizabeth Teddie, nothing in the world matters anything
to me but you I’ll go wherever you take me I love you

Teddie [All to pieces ] Oh, my God!

Elizabeth Does it mean as much to you as that p Oh,
Teddie*

Teddie [Trying to control himself \ Don’t be a fool, Elizabeth

Elizabeth It’s you’re the fool You’re making me cry

Teddie You’re so damned emotional

Elizabeth Damned emotional yourself I’m sure you’re a
rotten business man

Teddie I don’t care what you think You’ve made me so
awfully happy I say, what a lark life’s going to be

Elizabeth Teddie, you are an angel

Teddie Let’s get out quick. It’s no good wasting time
Elizabeth

Elizabeth WhaP

Teddie Nothing I just like to say Elizabeth

Elizabeth You fool

Teddie I say, can you shoot*

Elizabeth No

Teddie I’ll teach you You don’t know how ripping it is
to start out from your camp at dawn and travel through
^ the jungle And you’re so tired at night and the sky’s all
starry It’s a fair treat Of course I cLdn’t want to say
anything about all that till you’d decided. I’d made up
my min d to be absolutely practical

Elizabeth [Chaffing him ] The only practical thing you said
was that love is the only thing that really matters

Teddie [Happily] Pull the other leg next time, will you? I
should hate to have one longer than the other*

44

THE CIRCLE

ACT n

Elizabeth Isn’t it fan being in love with someone who’s
in love with you?

Teddie I say, I think Fd better clear out at once, don’t
yoiP It seems rather rotten to stay on in — in this house

Elizabeth You can’t go to-night There’s no train.

Teddie I’ll go to-morrow I’ll wait in London till you’re
ready to jom me

Elizabeth I’m not going to leave a note on the pincushion
like Lady Kitty, you know I’m going to tell Arnold

Teddie Are you? Don’t you think there’ll be an awful
bother^

Elizabeth I must face it I should hate to be sly and
deceitful

Teddie Well, then, let’s face it together

Elizabeth No, I’ll talk to Arnold by myself

Teddie You won’t let anyone influence you?

Elizabeth No

He holds out his hand and she takes it They look into one
another's eyes with grave, almost solemn affection
There is the sound outside of a car driving up

Elizabeth There’s the car Arnold’s come back I must
go and bathe my eyes I don’t want them to see I’ve
been crying

Teddie All right [As she is going ] Elizabeth*

Elizabeth [Stopping] What?

Teddie Bless you

Elizabeth [. Affectionately ] Idiotl

[She goes out of the door and Teddie through the jrencb
window into the garden For an instant the room is
empty Arnold comes in He sits donm and takes
some papers out of bis dispatch-case Lady Kitty
enters He gets up.

Acrn

THE CIRCLE

45

Lady Kitty I saw you come in Oh, my dear, don’t get
up There’s no reason why you should be so dreadfully
polite to me

Arnold I’ve just rung for a cup of tea

Lady Kitty Perhaps we shall have the chance of a little
talk We don’t seem to have had five minutes by
ourselves I want to make your acquaintance, you know

Arnold I should like you to know that it’s not by my wish
that my father is here

Lady Kitty But I’m so interested to see him

Arnold I was afraid that you and Lord Porteous must find
it embarrassing

Lady Kitty Oh, no Hughie was his greatest friend
Thev were at Eton and Oxford together I think your
father has improved so much since I saw him last He
wasn’t good-looking as a young man, but now he’s quite
handsome

[The Footman brings in a tray on which are tea-things

Lady Kitty Shall I pour it out for you?

Arnold Thank you very much

Lady Kitty Do you take sugar?

Arnold No I gave it up during the war

Lady Kitty So wise of you It’s so bad for the figure
Besides being patriotic, of course Isn’t it absurd that I
should ask my son if he takes sugar or not^ Life is really
very quaint Sad, of course, but oh, so quaint! Often I
lie in bed at night and have a good laugh to myself as I
think how quaint life is

Arnold I’m afraid I’m a very serious person.

Lady Kitty How old are you now, Arnold^

Arnold Thirty-five

Lady Kitty Are you really^ Of course, I was a child when
I married you r father.

THE CIRCLE

ACT II

46

Arnold Really He always told me you were twenty-two

Lady Kitty Oh, what nonsense! Why, I was married out
of the nursery I put my hair up for the first time on my
wedding-day

Arnold Where is Lord Porteous?

Lady Kitty My dear, it sounds too absurd to hear you call
him Lord Porteous Why don’t you call him — Uncle
Hughie^

Arnold He doesn’t happen to be my uncle

Lady Kitty No, but he’s your godfather You know. I’m
sure you’ll like him when you know him better I’m so
hoping that you and Elizabeth will come and stay with
us in Florence I simply adore Elizabeth She’s too
beautiful

Arnold Her hair is very pretty

Lady Kitty It’s not touched up, is it*

Arnold Oh, no

Lady Kitty I just wondered It’s rather a coincidence that
her hair should be the same colour as mine I suppose it
shows that your father and you are attracted by just the
same thing So interesting, heredity, isn’t it*

Arnold Very

Lady Kitty Of course, since I joined the Catholic Church I
don’t believe in it any more Darvm and all that sort of
thing Too dreadful Wicked, you know Besides, it’s
not very good form, is 1 t*

[Champion-Cheney comes m from the garden

C -C Do I intrude*

Lady Kitty Come in, Clive Arnold and I have been
having such a wonderful heart-to-heart talk.

C -C Very nice

Arnold Father, I stepped in for a moment at the Harveys’

ACT II THE CIRCLE 47

on my way back It's simply criminal what they’re doing
with that house
C -C What are they doing^

Arnold It’s an almost perfect Georgian house and they’ve
got a lot of dreadful Victorian furniture I gave them my
ideas on the subject, but it’s quite hopeless They said
they were attached to their furniture
C -C Arnold should have been an interior decorator
Lady Kitty He has wonderful taste He gets that from me
Arnold I suppose I have a certain flair I have a passion
for decorating houses

Lady Kitty You’ve made this one charming
C -C D’you remember, we just had chintzes and comfort-
able chairs when we lived here, Kitty
I ady Kitty Perfectly hideous, wasn’t it>

C -C In those days gentlemen and ladies were not expected
to have taste

Arnold You know. I’ve been looking at this chair again
Smce Lord Porteous said the legs weren’t right I’ve been
very uneasy

Lady Kitty He only said that because he was in a bad
temper

C -C His temper seems to me very short these days, Kitty
Lady Kitty Oh, it is

Arnold You feel he knows what he’s talking about I
gave seventy-five pounds for that chair I’m very
seldom taken in I always think if a thing’s right you
feel it

C -C Well, don’t let it disturb your night’s rest
Arnold But, my dear father, that’s just what it does I had
a most horrible dream about it last night
Lady Kitty Here is Hughie

Arnold I’m going to fetch a book I have on Old English

48

THE CIRCLE

ACT II

furniture There’s an illustration of a chair which is
almost identical with this one

[Porteous comes in

Porteous Quite a family gathering, by Georgel
C ~C I was thinking just now we’d make a very pleasing
picture of a typical English home
Arnold I’ll be back in five minutes There’s something I
want to show you. Lord Porteous

[He goes out

C -C Would you like to play piquet with me, Hughie^
Porteous Not particularly

C -C You were never much of a piquet player, were you?
Porteous My dear Clive, you people don’t know what
piquet is in England

C -C Let’s have a game then You may make money
Porteous I don’t want to play with you
Lady Kitty I don’t know why not, Hughie
Porteous Let me tell you that I don’t like your manner
C -C I’m sorry for that I’m afraid I can’t offer to change it
at my age

Porteous I don’t know what you want to be hanging
around here for

C -C A natural attachment to my home
Porteous If you’d had any tact you’d have kept out of the
way while we were here

C -C My dear Hughie, I don’t understand your attitude at
all If I’m willing to let bygones be bygones why should
you object^

Porteous Damn it all, they’re not bygones

C -C After all, I am the injured party

Porteous How the devil are you the injured party?

C-C Well, you did run away with my wife, didn’t you?

ACT II THE CIRCLE 49

Lady Ktity Now, don’t let’s go into ancient history I
can’t see why we shouldn’t all be friends

Porteous I beg you not to interfere, Kitty

Lidy Kitty I’m very fond of Clive

Porteous You never cared two straws for Clive You only
say that to irritate me

Lady Kitty Not at all I don’t see why he shouldn’t come
and stay with us

C -C I’d love to I think Florence in spring-time is delight-
ful Have you central heating?

Porteous I never liked you, I don’t like you now, and I
never shall like you

C -C Howvery unfortunate! Because I liked you,I like you
now, and I shall continue to like you

Lady Kitty There’s something very nice about you, Clive

Porteous If you think that, why the devil did you leave
him?

Lady Kitty Are you going to reproach me because I loved
you? How utterly, utterly, utterly detestable you are!

C -C Now, now, don’t quarrel with one another

Lady Kitty It’s all his fault I’m the easiest person in the
world to live with But really he’d try the patience of a
samt

C-C Come, come, don’t get upset, Kitty When two
people live together there must be a certain amount of
give and take

Porteous I don’t know what the devil you’re talking
about*

C -C It hasn’t eg pped my observation that you are a little
inclined tajrip^ Many couples are I think it’s a pity

Porteous Would you have the very great kindness to
mind your own business?

ACT IX

50 THE CIRCLE

Lady Kitty It is his business He naturally wants me to be
happy

C -C I have the very greatest affection for Kitty
Porteous Then why the devil didn’t you look after her
properly^

C-C My dear Hughie, you were my greatest friend I
trusted you It may have been rash
Porteous It was inexcusable

Lady Kitty 1 don’t know what you mean by that, Hughie
Porteous Don’t, don’t, don’t try and bully me, Kitty
Lady Kitty Oh, I know what you mean
Porteous Then why the devil did you say you didn’t?

Lady Kitty When I think that I sacrificed everything for
that manl And for thirty years I’ve had to live in a
filthy marble palace with no sanitary conveniences

C -C D’you mean to say you haven’t got a bathroom?

Lady Kitty I’ve had to wash in a tub
C -C My poor Kitty, how you’ve suffered!

Porteous Really, Kitty, I’m sick of hearing of the sacrifices
you made I suppose you think I sacrificed nothing I
should have been Prime Minister by now if it hadn’t been
for you

Lady Kitty Nonsense!

Porteous What do you mean by that? Every one said I
should be Prime Minister Shouldn’t I have been Prune
Minister, Clive^

C-C It was certainly the general expectation
Porteous I was the most promising young man of my day
I was bound to get a seat in the Cabinet at the next
election

Lady Kitty They’d have found you out just as I’ve found
you out I’m sick of hearing that I ruined your careen

ACTII THE CIRCLE JX

You never had a career to ruin Pnme Minister! You
haven’t the brain You haven’t the character

C -C Cheek, push, and a gift of the gab will serve very well
instead, you know

Lady Kitty Besides, in politics it’s not the men that
matter It’s the women at the back of them I could have
made Clive a Cabinet Minister if I’d wanted to

Porteous Clive?

Lad y Kitty With my beauty, my charm, my force of
character, my wit, I could have done anything

Porteous Clive was nothing but my political secretary
When I was Pnme Minister I might have made him
Governor of some Colony or other Western Australia
say Out of pure kindliness

Lady Kitty [ With flashing ejes ] D’you think I would have
buried myself in Western Australia? With my beauty?
My charm?

Porteous Or Barbadoes, perhaps

Lady Kitty [Furiously ] Barbadoes! Barbadoes can go to
— Barbadoes

Porteous That’s all you’d have got

Lady Kitty Nonsense! I’d have India

Porteous I would never have given you India

Lady Kitty You would have given me India

Porteous I tell you I wouldn’t

Lady Kitty The King would have given me India The
nation would have insisted on my having India I would
have been a vice-reine or nothing

Porteous I tell you that as long as the interests of the
British Empire — Damn it all, my teeth are coming out!

[He hurries from the room

Lady Kitty It’s too much* I can’t bear it any more. I’ve

5 *

THE CIRCLE

ACT n

put up with him for thirty years and now Pm at the end
of my tether

C -C Calm yourself, my dear Kitty

Lady Kitty I won’t listen to a word Fve quite made up
my mind It’s finished, finished, finished [With a
change of tone ] I was so touched when I heard that you
never lived in this house again after I left it

C -C The cuckoos have always been very plentiful
Their note has a personal application which, I must say, I
have found extremely offensive

Lady Kitty When I saw that you didn’t marry again I
couldn’t help thinking that you still loved me

C-C I am one of the few men I know who is able to
profit by experience

Lady Kitty In the eyes of the Church I am still your wife
The Church is so wise It knows that in the end a
woman always comes back to her first love Clive, I am
willing to return to you

C-C My dear Kitty, I couldn’t take advantage of your
momentary vexation with Hughie to let you take a step
which I know you would bitterly regret

Lady Kitty You’ve waited for me a long time For
Arnold’s sake

C -C Do you think we really need bother about Arnold^
In the last thirty years he’s had time to grow used to the
situation

Lady Kitty [With a little smile ] I think I’ve sown my wild
oats, Clive

C-C I haven’t I was a good young man, Kitty.

Lady Kitty I know

C -C And Pm very glad, because it has enabled me to be a
wicked old one

Lady Kitty I beg your pardon.

[Arnold comes tn with a large book m his hard \

ACT II THE CIRCLE 53

Arnold I say. I’ve found the book I was hunting for Oh,
isn’t Lord Porteous here^

Lady Kitty One moment, Arnold Your father and I are
busy

Arnold I’m so sorry

[He goes out into the g*t aen

Lady Kitty Explain yourself, Clive

C -C When you ran away from me, Kitty, I was sore and
angry and miserable But above all I felt a fool

Lady Kitty Men are so vain

C-C But I was a student of history, and presently I
reflected that I shared my misfortune with very nearly all
the greatest men

Lady Kitty I’m a great reader myself It has always struck
me as peculiar

C-C The explanation is very simple Women dislike
intelligence, and when they find it in their husbands they
revenge themselves on them in the only way they can, by
making them — well, what you made me

Lady Kitty It’s ingenious It may be true

C-C I felt I had done my duty by society and I determined
to devote the rest of my life to my own entertainment
The House of Commons had always bored me excessively
and the scandal of our divorce gave me an opportunity to
resign my seat I have been relieved to find that the
country got on perfectly well without me

Lady Kitty But has love never entered your life^

C ~C Tell me frankly, Kitty, don’t you think people make a
lot of unnecessary fuss about love?

Lady Kitty It’s the most wonderful thing in the world

C-C You’re incorrigible Do you really think it was worth
sacrificing so much for?

ACT n

54 THE CIRCLE

Lady Kitty My dear Clive, I don’t mind telling you that if
I had my time over again I should be unfaithful to you,
but I should not leave you

C -C For some years I was notoriously the prey of a secret
sorrow But I found so many charming creatures who
were anxious to console that in the end it grew rather
fatiguing Out of regard to my health I ceased to fre-
quent the drawing-rooms of Mayfair

Lady Kitty And since then?

C-C Since then I have allowed myself the luxury of
assisting financially a succession of dear little things, in a
somewhat humble sphere, between the ages of twenty
and twenty-five

Lady Kitty I cannot understand the infatuation of men for
young girls I think they’re so dull

C -C It’s a matter of taste I love old wine, old friends and
old books, but I like young women On their twenty-
fifth birthday I give them a diamond ring and tell them
they must no longer waste their youth and beauty on an
old fogey like me We have a most affecting scene, my
technique on these occasions is perfect, and then I start
all over again

Lady Kitty You’re a wicked old man, Clive

C -C That’s what I told you But, by Georgel I’m a happy
one

Lady Kitty There’s only one course open to me now

C -C What is that/

Lady Kitty {With a flashing smile ] To go and dress for
dinner

C -C Capital I will follow your example

[As Lady Kitty goes out Elizabeth comes m

Elizabeth Where is Arnold^

C -C He’s on the terrace I’ll call him.

ACT II THE CIRCLE 55

Elizabeth Don't bother

C -C I was just strolling along to my cottage to put on a
dinner jacket [As be goes out ] Arnold

[Exit C -C

Arnold HulJoa! [He comes m ] Oh, Elizabeth, I’ve found
an illustration here of a chair which is almost identical
with mine It’s dated 1750 Look!

Elizabeth That’s very interesting

Arnold I want to show it to Porteous f Moving a chair
which has been misplaced ] You know, it does exasperate
me the way people will not leave things alone I no
sooner put a thing m its place than somebody moves it

Elizabeth It must be maddening for you

Arnold It is You are the worst offender I can’t think
why you don’t take the pride that I do in the house
After all, it’s one of the show places in the county

Elizabeth I’m afraid you find me very unsatisfactory

Arnold [Good-humouredly ] I don’t know about that But
my two subjects are politics and decoration I should be
a perfect fool if I didn’t see that you don’t care two
straws about either

Elizabeth We haven’t very much in common, Arnold,
have wc?

Arnold I don’t think you can blame me for that.

Elizabeth I don’t I blame you for nothing I have no
fault to find with you

Arnold [Surprised at her significant tone] Good gracious
me, what’s the meaning of all this?

Elizabeth Well, I don’t think there’s any object in beating
about the bush I want you to let me go

Arnold Go where**

Elizabeth Away For always

Arnold My dear child, what are you talking about?

ACT II

56 THE CIRCLE

Elizabeth I want to be free
Arnold \Amtmd rather than disconcerted] Don’t be

ridiculous, darling I daresay you’re run down and want
a change I’ll take you over to Paris for a fortnight if you
like

Elizabeth I shouldn’t have spoken to you if I hadn’t quite
made up my mind We’ve been married for three years
and I don’t think it’s been a great success I’m frankly
bored by the life you want me to lead
Arnold Well, if you’ll allow me to say so, the fault is
yours We lead a very distinguished, useful life We
know a lot of extremely nice people
Elizabeth I’m quite willing to allow that the fault is mine
But how does that make it any better^ I’m only twenty-
five If I’ve made a mistake I have time to correct it
Arnold I can’t bring myself to take you very seriously
Elizabeth You see, I don’t love you
Arnold Well, I’m awfully sorry But you weren’t obliged
to marry me You’ve made your bed and I’m afraid you
must lie on it

Elizabeth That’s one of the falsest proverbs in the
English language Why should you he on the bed you’ve
made if you don’t want to^ There’s always the floor
Arnold For goodness’ sake don’t be funny, Elizabeth
Elizabeth I’ve quite made up my mind to leave you,
Arnold

Arnold Come, come, Elizabeth, you must be sensible
You haven’t any reason to leave me
Elizabeth* Why should you wish to keep a woman tied
to you who wants to be free^

Arnold I happen to be in love with you*

Elizabeth You might have said that before
Arnold I thought you’d take it for granted You can’t
expect a man to go on making love to his wife after three

ACT XI

THE CIRCLE

57

years I’m very busy Fm awfully keen on politics and
I’ve worked like a dog to make this house a thing of
beauty After all, a man marries to have a home, but also
because he doesn’t want to be bothered with sex and all
that sort of thing I fell in love with you the first time I
saw you and I’ve been in love ever since

Elizabeth I’m sorry, but if you’re not in love with a man
his love doesn’t mean very much to you

Arnold It’s so ungrateful I’ve done everything in the
world for you

Elizabeth You’ve been very kind to me But you’ve
asked me to lead a life I don’t like and that I’m not suited
for I’m awfully sorry to cause you pain, but now you
must let me go

Arnold Nonsense! I’m a good deal older than you are and
I think I have a little more sense In your interest as
well as in mine I’m not going to do anything of the sort

Elizabeth [With a smile ] How can you prevent me? You
can’t keep me under lock and key

Arnold Please don’t talk to me as if I were a foolish child
You’re my wife and you’re going to remain my wife

Elizabeth What sort of a life do you think we should
lead? Do you think there’d be any more happiness for
you than for me?

Arnold But what is it precisely that you suggest?

Elizabeth Well, I want you to let me divorce you

Arnold [. Astounded ] Me? Thank you very much Are
you under the impression I’m going to sacrifice my
career for a whim of yours?

Elizabeth How will it do that?

Arnold My seat’s wobbly enough as it is Do you think
I’d be able to hold it if I were in a divorce case? Even if
it were a put-up job, as most divorces are nowadays, it
would damn me.

1CTII

58 THE CIRCLE

Elizabeth It’s rather hard on a woman to be divorced
Arnold [With sudden suspicion ] What do you mean by
that? Are you in love with someone*

Elizabeth Yes
Arnold Who^

Elizabeth Teddie Luton

[He is astonished for a moment, then hursts into a laugh
Arnold My poor child, how can you be so ridiculous^
Why, he hasn’t a bob He’s a perfectly commonplace
young man It’s so absurd I can’t even be angry with
you

Elizabeth I’ve fallen desperately in love with him,
Arnold

Arnold Well, you’d better fall desperately out
Elizabeth He wants to marry me
Arnold I daresay he does He can go to hell
Elizabeth It’s no good talking like that
Arnold Is he your lover*

Elizabeth No, certainly not

Arnold It shows that he’s a mean skunk to take advantage
of my hospitality to make love to you
Elizabeth He’s never even kissed me

Arnold I’d try telling that to the horse marines if I were
you

Elizabeth It’s because I wanted to do nothing shabby
that I told you straight out how things were

Arnold How long have you been thinking of this^

Elizabeth I’ve been m love with Teddie ever since I knew
htm

Arnold And you never thought of me at all, l suppose

Elizabeth Oh, yes, I did I was miserable But I can’t help
myself I wish I loved you, but I don’t.

ACT II THE CIRCLE 59

Arnold I recommend you to think very carefully before
you do anything foolish

Elizabeth I have thought very carefully

Arnold By God, I don’t know why I don’t give you a
sound hiding I’m not sure if that wouldn’t be the best
thing to bring you to your senses

Elizabeth Oh, Arnold, don’t take it like that

Arnold How do you expect me to take iP You come to me
quite calmly and say “I’ve had enough of you We’ve
been married three years and I think I’d like to marry
somebody else now Shall I break up your horned
What a bore for youl Do you mind my divorcing yoiP
It’ll smash up your career, will it ? What a pity*” Oh, no,
my girl, I may be a fool, but I’m not a damned fool

Elizabeth Teddie is leaving here by the first tram to-
morrow I warn you that I mean to join him as soon as
he can make the necessary arrangements

Arnold Where is he^

Elizabeth I don’t know I suppose he’s in his room

[Arnold goes to the door and calls

Arnold Georgel

[For a moment he walks up and down the room im-
patiently Elizabeth watches him The Footman
comes in

Footman Yes, sir

Arnold Tell Mr Luton to come here at once

Ei izabeth Ask Mr* Luton if he wouldn’t mind coramg
here for a moment

Footman Very good, madam ^

[Exit Footman

Elizabeth What are you going to say to him?

6o

THE CIRCLE

ACT H

Arnold That’s my business

Elizabeth I wouldn’t make a scene if I were i ou

Arnold I’m not going to make a scene

[They wait m stknce

Why did you insist on my mother coming here^

Elizabeth It seemed to me rather absurd to take up the
attitude that I should be contaminated by her when

Arnold [. Interrupting ] When you were proposing to do
exactly the same thing Well, now you’ve seen her what
do you think of her> Do you think it’s been a success^
Is that the sort of woman a man would like his mother to
ht>

Elizabeth I’ve been ashamed I’ve been so sorry It all
seemed dreadful and horrible This morning I happened
to notice a rose in the garden It was all overblown and
bedraggled It looked like a painted old woman And I
remembered that I’d looked at it a day or two ago It was
lovely then, fresh and blooming and fragrant It may be
hideous now, but that doesn’t take away from the beauty
it had once That was real

Arnold Poetry, oy GodI As if this were the moment for
poetry!

[Teddie comes m He has changed into a dinner jacket

Teddie [To Elizabeth ] Did you want me?

Arnold J sent for you

Teddie looks from Arnold to Elizabeth He sees
that something has happened

When would it be convenient for you to leave this
house?

Teddie I was proposing to go to-morrow morning But I
can very well go at once if you like.

Arnold I do like.

THE CIRCLE

act n

61

Teddie Very well Is there anything else you wish to say to
me ?

Arnold Do you think it was a very honourable thing to
come down here and make love to my wife^

Teddie No, I don’t I haven’t been very happy about it
That’s why I wanted to go away

Arnold Upon my word you’re cool

Teddie I’m afraid it’s no good saying I’m sorry and that
sort of thing You know what the situation is

Arnold Is it true that you want to marry Elizabeth^

Teddie Yes I should like to marry her as soon as ever I

ran

Arnold Have you thought of me at alP Has it struck you
that you’re destroying my home and breaking up my
happiness?

Teddie I don’t see how there could be much happiness for
you if Elizabeth doesn’t care for you

Arnold Let me tell you that I refuse to have my home
broken up by a twopenny-halfpenny adventurer who
takes advantage of a foolish woman I refuse to allow
myself to be divorced I can’t prevent my wife from
going off with you if she’s determined to make a damned
fool of herself, but this I tell you nothing will induce me
to divorce her

Elizabeth Arnold, that would be monstrous*

Teddie We could force you

Arnold How^

Teddie If we went away together openly you’d have to
bring an action

Arnold Twenty-four hours after you leave this house I
shall go down to Brighton with a chorus-girl And
neither you nor I will be able to get a divorce We’ve

6z

THE CIRCLE

ACT n

had enough divorces in our famil7 And now get out,
get out, get out!

[Teddie looks uncertainly at Elizabfth

Elizabeth {With a little smile ] Don’t bother about me I
shall be all right
Arnold Get out! Get out!

END OF THE SECOND ACT

THE THIRD ACT

I he Scene ts the same

It is the night of the same day as that on which takes place the
action of the second Act

Champion-Cheney and Arnold, both in dinner jackets , are
discovered Ch \mpion-Cheney is seated Arnold walks
restlessly up and down the room

C -C I think, if you’ll follow my advice to the letter, you’ll
probably work the tnck

Arnold I don’t like it, you know It’s against all my
principles

C ~C My dear Arnold, we all hope that you have before
you a distinguished political career f^Tou can’t learn too
soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it
can always be sacrificed to expediency J

Arnold But supposing it doesn’t come ofP Women are
incalculable

C -C Nonsense! Men are romantic A woman will always
sacrifice herself if you give her the opportunity It is her
favourite form of self-indulgence

Arnold I never know whether you’re a humorist or a
cyme, father

C -C I’m neither, my dear boy. I’m merely a very truthful
man But people are so unused to the truth that they’re
apt to mistake it for a joke or a sneer

Arnold [. Irritably ] It seems so unfair that this should
happen to me

C -C Keep your head, my boy, and do what I tell you

[Lady Kitty and Elizabeth come in Lady Kitty u
in a gorgeous evening gown*

63

ACT III

64 THE CIRCLE

Elizabeth Where is Lord Porteous^ 5
C -C He’s on the terrace He’s smoking a cigar [Going to
window ] Hughie!

[Porteous comes tn

Porteous [With a grunt ] Yes^ Where’s Mrs Shenstone^
Elizabeth Oh, she had a headache She’s gone to bed

[When Porteous comes tn Lady Kitty with a very
haughty air purses her lips and takes up an illustrated
paper Porteous gives her an irritated look , takes
another illustrated paper and sits himself down at the
other end of the room They are not on speaking terms
C ~C Arnold and I have just been down to my cottage
Elizabeth I wondered where you’d gone
C-C I came across an old photograph album this afternoon
I meant to bring it along before dinner, but I forgot, so
we went and fetched it

Elizabeth Oh, do let me see it I love old photographs

[He gives her the album , and she , sitting down* puts it on her
knees and begins to turn over the pages He stands over
her Lady Kitty and Porteous take surreptitious
glances at one another

C-C I thought it might amuse you to see what pretty
women looked like five-and-thirty years ago That was
the day of beautiful women.

Elizabeth Do you think they were more beautiful then
than they are now^

C -C Ob, much Now you see lots of pretty little things,
but very few beautiful women
Elizabeth Aren’t their clothes funny?

C-C [Pointing to aphotograph] That’s Mrs Langtry
Elizabeth She has a lovely nose
C-C She was the most wonderful thing you ever saw
Dowagers used to jump on chairs in order to get a good

ACT m

THE CIRCLE

*5

look at her when she came into a drawing-room I was
tiding with her once, and we had to have the gates of the
livery stable closed when she was getting on her horse
because the crowd was so great

Elizabeth And who’s thap

C -C Lady Lonsdale That’s Lady Dudley*

Elizabeth This is an actress, isn’t it^

C -C It is, indeed Ellen Terry By George, how I loved
that woman*

Elizabeth [With a smle ] Dear Ellen Terry!

C -C That’s Bwabs I never saw a smarter man in my life
And Oliver Montagu Henry Manners with his eye-
glass

Elizabeth Nice-looking, isn’t he^ Andthis^

C -C That’s Mary Anderson I wish you could have seen
her in A Winter’s Tale Her beauty just took your
breath away And look! There’s Lady Randolph
Bernal Osborne — the wittiest man I ever knew

Elizabeth I think it’s too sweet I love their absurd
bustles and those tight sleeves

C-C What figures they had! In those days a woman
wasn’t supposed to be as thin as a rad and as flat as a
pancake

Elizabeth Oh, but aren’t they laced in? How could they
bear iP

C -C They didn’t play golf then, and nonsense like that,
you know They hunted, in a tall hat and a long black
habit, and they were very gracious and charitable to
the poor in the village*

Elizabeth Did the poor like it*

C -C They had a very thin time if they didn’t When they
were m London they drove in the Park every afternoon,
and they went to ten-course dinners, where they never

66

THE CIRCLE

ACT m

met anybody they didn't know And they had their
box at the opera when Patti was singing or Madame
Albani

Elizabeth Oh, what a lovely little thing! Who on earth
is that 5
C-C That?

Elizabeth She looks so fragile, like a piece of exquisite
china, with all those furs on and her face up against her
muff, and the snow falling

C -C Yes, there was quite a rage at that time for being
taken in an artificial snowstorm

Elizabeth What a sweet smile, so roguish and frank, and
debonair! Oh, I wish I looked like that Do tell me
who it is

C -C Don't you know 5

Elizabeth No

C -C Why— it's Kitty

Elizabeth Lady Kittyl [To Lady Kitty ] Oh, my dear,
do look It's too ravishing [She takes the album oier to
her impulsively ] Why didn’t you tell me you looked like
that 5 Everybody must have been in love with you
[Lady Kitty takes the album and looks at it Then
she lets it slip from her hands and covers her face
with her hands She is crying

[In consternation ] My dear, what's the matter 5 Oh, what
have I done 5 I'm so sorry

Lady Kitty Don't, don’t talk to me Leave me alone
It's stupid of me

[Elizabeth looks at her for a moment perplexed , then ,
turning round , slips her arm in Champion-Cheney's
and leads him out on to the terrace

Elizabeth [As they are going , in a whisper ] Did you do
that on purpose?

ACT in THE CIRCLE 6j

[Porteous gets up and goes over to Lady Kitty He
puts bts band on ber shoulder They remam thus for
a httle while

Porteous I’m afraid I was very rude to you before dinner,
Kitty

Lady Kitty [Taking bts band which is on her shoulder ] It
doesn’t matter I’m sure I was very exasperating

Porteous I didn’t mean what I said, you know

Lady Kitty Neither did I

Porteous Of course I know that I’d never have been
Prime Minister

Lady Kitty How can you talk such nonsense, Hughie^
No one would have had a chance if you’d remained in
politics

Porteous I haven’t the character.

Lady Kitty You have more character than anyone I’ve
ever met

Porteous Besides, I don’t know that I much wanted to
be Prime Minister

Lady Kitty Oh, but I should have been so proud of you
Of course you’d have been Prime Minister

Porteous I’d have given you India, you know I think it
would have been a very popular appointment

Lady Kitty I don’t care twopence about India I’d have
been quite content with Western Australia

Porteous My dear, you don’t think I’d have let you bury
yourself in Western Australia^

Lady Kitty Or Barbadoes

Porteous Never It sounds like a cure for flat feet I’d
have kept you in London

[He picks up the album and is about to look at the photo-
graph of Lady Kitty She puts ber hand over it ;

ACT ni

68 THE CIRCLE

Lady Kitty No, don't look

[He takes her hand away

Porteous Don't be so silly

Lady Kitty Isn't it hateful to grow old?

Porteous You know, you haven't changed much

Lady Kitty [Enchanted] Oh, Hughie, how can you talk
such nonsense^

Porteous Of course you're a little more mature, but that's
all A woman's all the better for being rather mature

Lady Kitty Do you really think that?

Porteous Upon my soul I do

Lady Kitty You're not saying it just to please me?

Porteous No, no

Lady Kitty Let me look at the photograph again

[She takes the album and looks at the photograph com-
placently

The fact is, if your bones are good, age doesn't really
matter You’ll always be beautiful

Porteous {With a httle smile, almost as if he were talking to
a child ] It was silly of you to cry

Lady Kitty It hasn't made my eyelashes run, has it>

Porteous Not a bit

Lady Kitty It's very good stuff I use now. They don't
stick together either

Porteous Look here, Kitty, how much longer do you
want to stay here^

Lady Kitty Oh, I'm quite ready to go whenever you like

Porteous Ckve gets on my nerves I don't like the way
he keeps hanging about you.

Lady Kitty [Surprised, rather amused, and delighted ] Hughie,
you don't mean to say you’re jealous of poor Clive?

ACT HI THE CIRCLE 69

Porteous Of course Fm not jealous of him, but he does
look at you in a way that I can’t help thinking rather
objectionable

Lady Kitty Hughie, you may throw me downstairs like
Amy Robsart, you may drag me about the door by the
hair of my head, I don’t care, you’re jealous I shall
never grow old

Porteous Damn it all, the man was your husband.

Lady Kitty My dear Hughie, he never had your style
Why, the moment you come into a room everyone looks
and says. Who the devil is that?

Porteous What? You think that, do you? Well, I dare-
say there’s something in what you say These damned
Radicals can say what they like, but, by God, Kitty,
when a man’s a gentleman — well, damn it all, you
know what I mean

Lady Kitty I think Clive has degenerated dreadfully since
we left him

Porteous What do you say to making a bee line for Italy
and going to San Michele?

Lady Kitty Oh, Hughie! It’s years since we were there

Porteous Wouldn’t you like to see it again — just once
more?

Lady Kitty Do you remember the first time we went?
It was the most heavenly place I’d ever seen We’d only
left England a month, and I said I’d like to spend all
my life there

Porteous Of course, I remember And in a fortnight it
was yours, lock, stockandJ?atreL

Lady Kitty We were very happy there, Hughie.

Porteous Let’s go back once more

Lady Kitty I daren’t It must be all peopled with the
ghosts of our past One should never go again to a

7 <>

THE CIRCLE

ACT III

place where one has been happy It would break my
heart

Porteous Do you remember how we used to sit on the
terrace of the old castle and look at the Adriatic^ We
might have been the only people in the world, you and
I, Kitty

Lady Kitty [Tragically ] And we thought our love would
last for ever

[Enter Champion-Cheney

Porteous Is there any chance of bridge this evening^

C -C I don’t think we can make up a four

Porteous What a nuisance that boy went away like that!

He wasn’t a bad player
C -C Teddie Lutom 5

Lady Kitty I think it was very funny his going without
saying good-bye to anyone

C -C The young men of the present day are very casual
Porteous I thought there was no tram in the evening
C -C There isn’t The last tram leaves at 5 45
Porteous How did he go then?

C -C He went

Porteous Damned selfish I call it

Lady Kitty [Intrigued] Why did he go, Ckve?

[Champion-Cheney looks at her for a moment
reflectively

C -C I have something very grave to say to you Elizabeth
wants to leave Arnold

Lady Kitty Clive! What on earth for>

C-C She’s in love with Teddie Luton That’s why he
went The men of my family are really very unfortunate.
Porteous Does she want to run away with him
Lady Kitty [ With consternation ] My dear, what’s to be done?

ACT III

THE CIRCLE

7 *

C C I thank you can do a great deal
Lady Kitty P What?

C C Tell her, tell her what it means

[He looks at her fixedly She stares at him
Lady Kitiy Oh, no, no!

C -C She’s a child Not for Arnold’s sake For her sake
You must

Lady Kitty You don’t know what you’re ashing
C-C Yes, Ido

Lady Kitty Hugixte, what shall I do^

Porteous Do what you like I shall never blame you for
anything

[The Footman comes in with a letter on a saher He
hesitates on seeing that Elizabeth is not m the
room

C -C What is iP

Footman I was looking for Mrs Champion-Cheney, sir
C -C She’s not here Is that a letteP
Footman Yes, sir It’s just been sent up from The Cham-
pion Arms

C -C Leave it I’ll give it to Mrs Cheney
Footman Very good* sir

[He brings the tray to Clive, who takes the letter The
Footman goes out

Porteols Is The Champion Arms the local pub^

C -C [Looking at the letter ] It’s by way of being a hotel,
but I never heard of anyone staying there

Lady Kitty If there was no tram I suppose he had to go
there

C -C Great minds I wonder what he has to write about
[He goes to the door leading on to the garden ] Elizabeth

Elizabeth [ Outside ] Yes

ACT III

7 Z THE CIRCLE

C ~C Here’s a note for you

{There ts stience They watt for Elizabeth to come
She enters

Elizabeth It’s lovely in the garden to-night

C -C They’ve just sent this up from The Champion Arms

Elizabeth Thank you

[ Without embarrassment she opens the letter They
watch her while she reads it It covers three pages
She puts tt away tn her bag

l ady Kitty Hughie, I wish you’d fetch me a cloak I’d
like to take a little stroll in the garden, but after thirty
years in Italy I find these English summers rather chilly
[Without a word Porteous goes out Elizabeth ts r
lost tn thought

I want to talk to Elizabeth, Clive

C -C I’ll leave you

[He goes out

Lady Kitty What does he say^

Elizabeth Who p

Lady Kitty Mr Luton

Elizabeth [Gives a little start Then she looks at Lady
Kitty ] They’ve told you?

Lady Kitty Yes And now they have I think I knew it
all along

Elizabeth I don’t expect you to have much sympathy for
me Arnold is your son

Lady Kitty So pitifully little

Elizabeth I’m not suited for this sort of existence Arnold
wants me to take what he calls my place in Society
Oh, I get so bored with those parties in London All
those middle-aged painted women, in beautiful clothes,
lolloping round ball-rooms with rather old young men
And the endless luncheons where they gossip about
so-and-so’s love affairs

*

ACT III THE CIRCLE 73

Lady Kitty Ate you very much in love with Mr Luton*

Elizabeth I love him with all my heart

Lady Kitty And he*

Elizabeth He’s never cared for anyone but me He never
will

Lady Kitty Will Arnold let you divorce him*

Elizabeth No, he won’t hear of it He refuses even tc
divorce me

Lady Kitty Why*

Elizabeth He thinks a scandal will revive all the old
gossip

Lady Kitty Oh, my poor child

Elizabeth It can’t be helped I’m quite willing to accept
the consequences

Lady Kitty You don’t know what it is to have a man
tied to you only by his honour When married people
don’t get on they can separate, but if they’re not married
it’s impossible It’s a tie that only death can sever

Elizabeth If Teddie stopped car mg for me I shouldn’t
want him to stay with me for five minutes

Lady Kitty One says that when one’s sure of a man’s love,
but when one isn’t any more — oh, it’s so different In
those circumstances one’s got to keep a man’s love
It’s the only thing one has

Elizabeth I’m a human being I can stand on my own feet

Lady Kitty Have you any money of your own*

Elizabeth None

Lady Kitty Then how can you stand on your own feet*
You think I’m a silly, frivolous woman, but I’ve learnt
something in a bi tter school They can make what laws
| they like, they can give us the suffrage, but when you
1 come down to bedrock it’s the man who pays the piper
i who calls the tune Woman will only be the equal of

o

74

THE CIRCLE

ACT III

man when she earns her living in the same way that he
does

Elizabeth [Smiling ] It sounds rather funny to hear you
talk like that

Lady Kitty A cook who marries a butler can snap her
fingers in his face because she can earn just as much as
TSe can But a woman in your position and a woman in
mine will always be dependent on the men who keep
them

Elizabeth I don’t want luxury You don’t know how sick
I am of all this beautiful furniture These over-decorated
houses are like a prison in which I can’t breathe When
I drive about in a Callot frock and a Rolls-Royce I envy
the shop-girl in a coat and skirt whom I see jumping
on the tailboard of a bus

Lady Kitty You mean that if need be you could earn your
own living?

Elizabeth Yes

Lady Kitty What could you be? A nurse or a typist
It’s nonsense Luxury saps a woman’s nerve And when
she’s known it once it becomes a necessity

Elizabeth That depends on the woman

Lady Kitty When we’re young we think we’re different
from everyone else, but when we grow a little older we
discover we’re all very much of a muchness

Elizabeth You’re very kind to take so much trouble
about me

Lady Kitty It breaks my heart to think that you’re going
to make the same pitiful mistake that I made

Elizabeth Oh, don’t say it was that, don’t, don’t

Lady Kitty Look at me, Elizabeth, and look at Hughie
Do you think it’s been a success* If I had my time over
igain do you think I’d do it again? Do you think he
vould?

ACT m THE CIRCLE 75

Elizabeth You see, you don’t know how much I love
Teddie

Lady Kitty And do you think I didn’t love Hughie 5 Do
you think he didn’t love me>

Elizabeth I’m sure he did

Lady Kitty Oh, of course in the beginning it was heavenly
We felt so brave and adventurous and we were so much
in love The first two years were wonderful People cut
me, vou know, but I didn’t mind I thought love was
everything It is a little uncomfortable when you come
upon an old friend and go towards her eagerly, so glad
to see her, and are met with an icy stare

Elizabeth Do you think friends like that are worth
having^

Lady Kitty Perhaps they’re not very sure of themselves
Perhaps they’re honestly shocked It’s a test one had
better not put one’s friends to if one can help it It’s
rather bitter to find how few one has

Elizabeth But one has some

Lady Kitty Yes, they ask you to come and see them when
they’re quite certain no one will be there who might
object to meeting you Or else they say to you. My
dear, you know I’m devoted to you, and I wouldn’t
mind at all, but my girl’s growing up — I’m sure you
understand, you won’t think it unkind of me if I don’t
ask you to the housed

Elizabeth [Smiling ] That doesn’t seem to me very serious

Lady Kitty At first I thought it rather a relief, because it
threw Hughie and me together more But you know,
men are very funny Even when they are in love they’re
not in love all day long They want change and
recreation

Elizabeth* I’m not inclined to blame them for tLat, poor
dears

ACT III

76 THE CIRCLE

Lady Kittt* Then we settled in Florence And because
we couldn’t get the society we’d been used to, we became
used to the society we could get Loose women and
vicious men Snobs who liked to patronise people with
a handle to their names Vague Italian princes who
were glad to borrow a few francs from Hughie and
seedy countesses who liked to drive with me in the
Caserne And then Hughie began to hanker after his
old life He wanted to go big game shooting, but I
dared not let him go I was afraid he’d never come back

Elizabeth But you knew he loved you

Lady Kitty Oh, my dear, what a blessed institution
marriage is — for women, and what fools they are to
meddle with ltl The Church is so wise to take its stand
on the inch — inc L l

Elizabeth Solu

Lady Kitty Bihty of marriage Believe me, it’s no joke
when you have to rely only on yourself to keep a man
I could never afford to grow old My dear. I’ll tell you
a secret that I’ve never told a living soul

Elizabeth What is that p

Lady Kitty My hair is not naturally this colour

Elizabeth Really

Lady Kitty I touch it up You would never have guessed,
would you ?

Elizabeth Never

Lady Kitty Nobody does My dear, it’s white, prema-
turely of course, but white I always think it’s a symbol
of my life Are you interested in symbolism? I think it’s
too wonderful

Elizabeth I don’t think I know very much about it

Lady Kitty However tired I’ve been I’ve had to be
brilliant and gay I’ve never let Hughie see the aching
heart behind my smiling eyes

ACT XXX

THE CIRCLE

77

Elizabeth [Amused and touched ] You poor dear

Lady Kitty And when I saw he was attracted by someone
else the fear and the jealousy that seized me! You see,
I didn’t dare make a scene as I should have done if I’d
been married I had to pretend not to notice

Elizabeth [Taken aback ] But do you mean to say he fell
m love with anyone else*

Lady Kitty Of course he did eventuallv

Elizabeth [Hardly knowing what to say] You must have
been very unhappy

Lady Kitty Oh, I was, dreadfully Night after night I
sobbed my heart out when Hughie told me he was going
to play cards at the club and I knew he was with that
odious woman Of course, it wasn’t as if there weren’t
plenty of men who were only too anxious to console me
Men have always been attracted by me, you know

Elizabeth Oh, of course, I can quite understand it

Lady Kitty But I had my self-respect to think of I felt
that whatever Hughie did I would do nothing that I
should regret

Elizabeth You must be very glad now

Lady Kitty Oh, yes Notwithstanding all my temptations
I’ve been absolutely faithful to Hughie in spirit

Elizabe th I don’t think I quite understand what you mean

Lady Kitty Well, there was a poor Italian boy, young
Count Castel Giovanni, who was so desperately in love
•with me that his mother begged me not to be too cruel
She was afraid he’d go into a consumption. What could
I do* And then, oh, years later, there was Antonio
Mehta He said he’d shoot himself unless I — well, you
understand I couldn’t let the poor boy shoot himself

Elizabeth D’you think he really would have shot hi ms el f ?

ACT III

78 THE CIRCLE

Lady Kitty Oh, one never knows, you know Those
Italians are so passionate He was really rather a lamb
He had such beautiful eyes

[Elizabeth looks at her for a long time and a certain
horror seizes her of this dissolute , painted old woman
Elizabeth [Hoarsely ] Oh, but I think that's — dreadful

Lady Kitty Are you shocked^ One sacrifices one's life
for love and then one finds that love doesn't last The
| tragedy of love isn't death or separation One gets over
fthem The tragedy of love is indifference .1

[Arnold comes m

Arnold Can I have a little talk with you, Elizabeth^
Elizabeth Of course

Arnold Shall we go for a stroll in the garden^

Elizabeth If you like

Lady Kitty No, stay here I'm going out anyway

[Exit Lady Kitty

Arnold I want you to listen to me for a few minutes,
Elizabeth I was so taken aback by what you told me
just now that I lost my head I was rather absurd and
I beg your pardon I said things I regret
Elizabeth Oh, don't blame yourself I'm sorry that I
should have given you occasion to say them
Arnold I want to ask you if you've quite made up your
mind to go
Elizabeth Quite.

Arnold Just now I seem to have said all that I didn't want
to say and nothing that I did I'm stupid and tongue-
tied I never told you how deeply I loved you
Elizabeth. Oh, Arnold

Arnold Please let me speak now It's so very difficult
If I seemed absorbed in politics and the house, and so
on, to the exclusion of my interest in you, I'm dreadfully

ACT m THE CIRCLE 79

sorry I suppose it was absurd of me to think you would
take my great love for granted

Elizabeth But, Arnold, I’m not reproaching you

Arnold Fm reproaching myself I’ve been tactless and
neglectful But I do ask you to believe that it hasn’t
been because I didn’t love you Can you forgive me?

Elizabeth I don’t think that there’s anything to forgive

Arnold It wasn’t till to-day when you talked of leaving me
that I realised how desperately in love with you I was

Elizabeth After three years?

Arnold I’m so proud of you I admire you so much
When I see jou at a party, so fresh and lovely, and
everybody wondering at you, I have a sort of little thrill
because you’re mine, and afterwards I shall take you
home

Elizabeth Oh, Arnold, you’re exaggerating

Arnold I can’t imagine this house without you Life seems
on a sudden all empty and meaningless Oh, Elizabeth,
don’t you love me at all?

Elizabeth It’s much better to be honest No

Arnold Doesn’t my love mean anything to you?

Elizabeth I’m very grateful to you I’m sorry to cause
you pain What would be the good of my staying with
you when I should be wretched all the time?

Arnold Do you love that man as much as all that? Does
my unhappiness mean nothing to you?

Elizabeth Of course it does It breaks my heart You
see, I never knew I meant so much to you I’m so
touched And Fm so sorry, Arnold, really sorry But
I can’t help myself

Arnold Poor child, it’s cruel of me to torture you.

Elizabeth Oh, Arnold, believe me, I have tried to make
the best of it I’ve tried to love you, but I can’t. After

8o

THE CIRCLE

ACT III

all, one either loves or one doesn’t Trying is no help
And now I’m at the end of my tether I can’t help the
consequences — I must do what my whole self yearns for
Arnold My poor child, I’m so afraid you’ll be unhappy
I’m so afraid you’ll regret

Elizabeth You must leave me to my fate I hope you’ll
forget me and all the unhappiness I’ve caused you
Arnold [There ts a pause Arnold walks up and down the
room reflectively He stops and faces her ] If you love this
man and want to go to him i’ll do nothing to prevent
you My only wish is to do what is best for you
Elizabeth Arnold, that’s awfully kind of you If I’m
treating you badly at least I want you to know that I’m
grateful for all your kindness to me
Arnold But there’s one favour I should like you to do
me Will you^

Elizabeth Oh, Arnold, of course I’ll do anything I can
Arnold Teddie hasn’t very much money You’ve been
used to a certain amount of luxury, and I can’t bear to
think that you should do without anything you’ve had
It would kill me to think that you were suffering any
hardship or privation

Elizabeth Oh, but Teddie can earn enough for our needs.
After all, we don’t want much money
Arnold I’m afraid my mother’s life hasn’t been very easy,
but it’s obvious that the only thing that’s made it possible
is that Porteous was nch I want you to let me make
you an allowance of two thousand a year
Elizabeth Oh, no, I couldn’t think of it It’s absurd
Arnold I beg you to accept it You don’t know what a
difference it will make

Elizabeth It’s awfully kind of you, Arnold It humiliates
me to speak about it Nothing would induce me to take
a penny from you.

ACT in

THE CIRCLE

81

Arnold Well, you can’t prevent me from opening an
account at my bank in your name The money shall be
paid in every quarter whether you touch it or not, and
if you happen to want it, it will be there waiting for you
Elizabeth You overwhelm me, Arnold There’s only
one thing I want you to do for me I should be very
grateful if you would divorce me as soon as you possibly
can

Arnold Ho, I won’t do that But I’ll give you cause to
divorce me
Elizabeth You!

Arnold Yes But of course you’ll have to be very careful
for a bit I’ll put it through as quickly as possible, but
I’m afraid you can’t hope to be free for over six months
Elizabeth But, Arnold, your seat and your political
career!

Arnold Oh, well, my father gave up his seat under similar
circumstances He’s got along very comfortably without
politics

Elizabeth But they’re your whole life
Arnold After all one can’t have it both ways You can’t
serve God and Mammon If you want to do the decent
thin g you have to be prepared to suffer for it
Elizabeth But I don’t want you to suffer for it
Arnold At first I rather hesitated at the scandal But I
daresay that was only weakness on my part In the
circumstances I should have liked to keep out of the
Divorce Court if I could

Elizabeth Arnold, you’re making me absolutely miserable
Arnold What you said before dinner was quite right It’s
nothing for a man, but it makes so much difference to
a woman Naturally I must think of you first
Elizabeth That’s absurd. It’s out of the question. What-
ever there’s to pay I must pay it

82

THE CIRCLE

ACT IH

Arnold It’s not very much I’m asking for, Elizabeth
Elizabeth I’m taking everything from you
Arnold It’s the only condition I make My mind is abso-
lutely made up I will never divorce you, but I will
enable you to divorce me

Elizabeth Oh, Arnold, it’s cruel to be so generous
Arnold It’s not generous at all It’s the only way I have
of showing you how deep and passionate and sincere
my love is for you

[There is a Silence He bolds out bis hard
Good-night I have a great deal of work to do before
I go to bed

Elizabeth Good-night
Arnold Do you mind if I kiss you^

Elizabeth [With agony ] Oh, Arnold!

[He gravely kisses her on the forehead and then goes out
Elizabeth stands lost m thought She is shattered
Lady Kitty and Porteous com in Lady Kitty
wears a cloak

Lady Kitty You’re alone, Elizabeth^

Elizabeth That note you asked me about. Lady Kitty,
from Ted die
Lady Kitty Yes^

Elizabeth He wanted to have a talk with me before he
went away He’s waiting for me in the summer house
by the tennis court Would Lord Porteous mind going
down and asking him to come here^

Porteous Certainly Certainly.

Elizabeth Forgive me for troubling you But it’s very
important.,

Porteous No trouble at alL

[He goes out

Lady Kitty Hughie and I will leave you alone*

THE CIRCLE

act m

83

Elizabeth But I don’t want to be left alone I want you
to stay

Lady Kitty What are you going to say to him?

Elizabeth [Desperately] Please don’t ask me questions
I’m so frightfully unhappy

Lady Kitty My poor child

Elizabeth Oh, isn’t life rotten? Why can’t one be happy
without making other people unhappy?

Lady Kitty I wish I knew how to help you I’m simply
devoted to you [She bunts about tn her mmd for something
to door say] Would you like my lip-stick?

Elizabeth [ Smiling through her tears] Thanks I never
use one

Lady Kitty Oh, but just try It’s such a comfort when
you’re in trouble

[Enter Porteous and Teddie

Porteous I brought him He said he’d be damned if he’d
come

Lady Kitty When a lady sent for him? Are these the
manners of the young men of to-day?

Teddie When you’ve been solemnly kicked out of a house
once I think it seems rather pushing to come back again
as though nothing had happened

Elizabeth Teddie, I want you to be senous

Teddie Darling, I had such a rotten dinner at that pub If
you ask me to be senous on the top of that I shall cry

Elizabeth Don’t be idiotic, Teddie [Her voire faltering ]
I’m so utterly wretched

[He looks at her for a moment gravely

Teddie What is it?

Elizabeth I can’t come away with you, Teddie.

Teddie Why not?

ACT in

84 THE CIRCLE

Elizabeth* [Looking away in embarrassment ] I don’t love
yon enough

Tebdie Fiddle!

Elizabeth [With a flash of anger ] Don’t say Fiddle to
me

Teddie I shall say exactly what I like to you

Elizabeth I won’t be bullied

Teddie Now look here, Elizabeth, you know perfectly
well that I’m in love with you, and I know perfectly well
that you’re in love with me So what are you talking
nonsense for?

Elizabeth [Her voice breaking ] I can’t say it if you’re cross
with me

Teddie [Smiling very tenderly ] I’m not cross with you,
silly

Elizabeth It’s harder still when you’re being rather an
owl

Teddie [With a chuckle ] Am I mistaken in thinking you’re
not very easy to please?

Elizabeth Oh, it’s monstrous I was all wrought up and
ready to do anything, and now you’ve thoroughly put
me out I feel like a great big fat balloon that some one
has put a long pin into [ With a sudden look at him ] Have
you done it on purpose?

Teddie Upon my soul I don’t know what you’re talking
about

Elizabeth I wonder it you’re really much cleverer than I
think you are

Teddie. [Taking her bands and making her sit down ] Now
tell me exactly what you want to say By the way, do
you want lady Kitty and Lord Porteous to be here?
Elizabeth Yes

Lady Kitty Elizabeth asked us to stay

ACT m THE CIRCLE Bj

Teddie Oh, I don’t mind, bless you I only thought you
might Jeel rather in the way

Lady Kitty [Frigidly] A gentlewoman never feels in the
way, Mr Luton

Teddie Won’t you call me Teddie^ Everybody does, you
know

[Lady Kitty tries to give him a withering Iook y hut she
fimds it very difficult to prevent herself from smiling
Teddie strokes Elizabeth’s hands She draws
them away

Eiizabeth No, don’t do that Teddie, it wasn’t true when
I said I didn’t love you Of course I love you But
Arnold loves me, too. I didn’t know how much

Teddie What has he been saying to you?

Elizabeth He’s been very good to me, and so land
I didn’t know he could be so kind. He offered to let
me divorce him

Teddie That’s very decent of him.

Elizabeth But don’t you see, it ties my hands How can
I accept such a sacrifice^ I should never forgive myself
if I profited by his generosity

Teddie If another man and I were devilish hungry and
there was only one mutton chop between us, and he
said. You eat it, I wouldn’t waste a lot of time
arguing I’d wolf it before he changed his mind

Elizabeth Don’t talk like that. It maddens me I’m trying
to do the nght thing

Teddie You’re not in love with Arnold, you’re in love
with me It’s idiotic to sacrifice your life for a slushy
s entiment

Elizabeth After all, I dm marry him

Teddie Well, you made a mistake A marriage without
love is no marriage at all

ACT III

86 THE CIRCLE

Elizabeth I made the mistake Why should he suffer
for lt^ If anyone has to suffer it’s only right that I
should

Teddie What sort of a life do you think it would be with
him** When two people are married it’s very difficult
for one of them to be unhappy without making the
other unhappy too

Elizabeth I can’t take advantage of his generosity

Teddee I daresay he’ll get a lot of satisfaction out of it

Elizabeth You’re being beastly, Teddie He was simply
wonderful I never knew he had it in him He was
really noble

Teddie You are talking rot, Elizabeth

Elizabeth I wonder if you’d be capable of acting like
that

Teddie Acting like what^

Elizabeth What would you do if I were married to you
and came and told you I loved somebody else and wanted
to leave you^

Teddie You have very pretty blue eyes, Elizabeth I’d
black first one and then the other And after that
we’d see

Elizabeth You damned brutel

Teddie I’ve often thought I wasn’t quite a gentleman.
Had it never struck you>

[They look at one another for a while

Elizabeth You know, you are taking an unfair advantage
of me I feel as if I came to you quite unsuspectingly
and when I wasn’t looking you kicked me on the shins

Teddie Don’t you think we’d get on rather well together^

Porteous Elizabeth’s a fool if she don’t stick to her
husband It’s bad enough for the man, but for the
voman — it’s damnable, I hold no brief for Arnold, He

ACT m THE CIRCLE $7

plays bridge like a foot Saving your presence, Kitty,
I think he’s a png

Lady Kitty Poor dear, his father was at his age I daresay
he’ll grow out of it

Porteous But you stick to him, Elizabeth, stick to him
Man is a gregarious animal We’re members of a herd
If we break the herd’s laws we suffer for it And we suffer
damnably

Lady Kitty Oh, Elizabeth, my dear child, don’t go It’s
not worth it It’s not worth it I tell you that, and I’ve
sacrificed everything to love

[A pause

Elizabeth I’m afraid

Teddie [In a whisper ] Elizabeth

Elizabeth I can’t face it It’s asking too much of me
Let’s say good-bye to one another, Teddie It’s the only
thing to do And have pity on me I’m giving up all
my hope of happiness

[He goes up to her and looks into her eyes

Teddie But I wasn’t offering you happiness I don’t think
my sort of love tends to happiness I’m jealous I’m
not a very easy man to get on with I’m often out of
temper and irritable* I should be fed to the teeth with
you sometimes, and so would you be with me I daresay
we’d fight like cat and dog, and sometimes we’d hate
each other Often you’d be wretched and bored stiff
and lonely, and often you’d be frightfully homesick, and
then you’d regret all you’d lost Stupid women would
be rude to you because we’d run away together And
some of them would cut you I don’t offer you peace
and quietness I offer you unrest and anxiety. I don’t
offer you happiness I offer you love.

Elizabeth [Stretching out her arms ] You hateful creature,
I absolutely adore you

88 THE CIRCLE ACT III

[He throws its arms round her and kisses her passionately
on the lips

Lady Kitty Of course the moment he said he’d give her
a black eye I knew it was finished

Porteous [Good-humouredly ] You are a fool, Kitty

Lady Kitty I know I am, but I can’t help it

Teddie Let’s make a bolt for it now

Elizabeth Shall we^

Teddie This minute,

Porteous You’re damned fools, both of you, damned
fools If you like you can have my car

Teddie That’s awfully land of you As a matter of fact,
I got it out of the garage It’s just along the drive

Porteous [Indignantly ] How do you mean, you got it out
of the garage^

Teddie Well, I thought there’d be a lot of bother, and it
seemed to me the best thing would be for Elizabeth and
me not to stand upon the order of our going, you know
Do it now An excellent motto for a business man

Porteous Do you mean to say you were going to steal
my car

Teddie Not exactly I was only going to bolshevise it,
so to speak

Porteous I’m speechless I’m absolutely speechless

Teddie Hang it all, I couldn’t carry Elizabeth all the
way to London She’s so damned plump

Elizabeth You dirty dog!

Porteous [Spluttering] Well, well, well! [Helplessly ]
I hke him, Kitty, it’s no good pretending I don’t I
like him

Teddie The moon’s shining, Elizabeth We’ll drive all
through the night

ACT III THE CIRCLE 89

Porteous They’d better go to San Michele I’ll wire to
have it got ready for them

Lady Kitty That’s where we went when Hughie and I
{Faltering ] Oh, you dear things, how I envy you

Porteous [Mopping bis eyes ] Now don’t cry, Kitty Con-
found you, don’t cry

Teddie Come, darling

Elizabeth But I can’t go like this

Teddie Nonsense! Lady Kitty will lend you her cloak
Won’t yoiP

Lady Kitty [Taking it off ] You’re capable of tearing it
off my back if I don’t

Teddie [Putting the cloak on Elizabeth] And we’ll buy
you a tooth-brush in London in the morning

Lady Kitty She must write a note for Arnold, I’ll put
it on her pincushion.

Teddie Pincushion be blowed Come, darling We’ll drive
through the dawn and through the sunrise

Elizabeth [Kissing Lady Kitty and Porteous ] Good-
bye Good-bye

[Teddie stretches out his band and she takes it Hand
in hand they go out into the night

Lady Kitty Oh, Hughie, how it all comes back to me
Will they suffer all we suffered? And have we suffered
all in vatfp

Porteous My dear, I don’t know that in life it matters so
much what you do as what you are No one can learn
by the experience of another because no circumstances
are quite the same If we made rather a hash of things
perhaps it was because we were rather trivial people
You can do anything in this world if you’re prepared to
take the consequences, and consequences depend on
character

9o

THE CIRCLE

ACT in

[Enter Champion-Cheney, rubbmg bts bands He ts
as pleased as Punch

C -C Well, I think I’ve settled the hash of that young man
Lady Kitty OP

C -C You have to get up very early in the morning to get
the better of your humble servant

[There ts the sound of a car starting
Lady Kitty What is that?

C-C It sounds like a car I expect it’s your chauffeur
taking one of the maids for a joy-ride
Porteous Whose hash are you talking abouP
C*C Mr Edward Luton’s, my dear Hughie I told Arnold
exactly what to do and he’s done it What makes a
prison? Why, bars and bolts Remove them and a
prisoner won’t want to escape Clever, I flatter myself
Porteous You were always that, Give, but at the moment
you’re obscure

C-C I told Arnold to go to Elizabeth and tell her she
could have her freedom I told him to sacrifice himself
all along the line I know what women are The moment
every obstacle was removed to her marriage with Teddie
Luton, half the allurement was gone
Lady Kitty Arnold did that^

C -C He followed my instructions to the letter I’ve just
seen him She’s shaken. I’m willing to bet five hundred
pounds to a penny that she won’t bolt A downy old
bird, eh? Downy’s the word Downy

[He begins to laugh They laugh too. Presently they are
all three m fits of laughter

The End

THE CONSTANT WIFE

A COMEDY
tn Three Acts

CHARACTERS

Constance

John Middleton, F R C S

Bernard Kersal

Mrs Culver

Marie-Louise

Martha

Barbara

Mortimer Durham
Bentley

The action of the play takes place in John's
house tn Harley Street .

THE CONSTANT WIFE

THE FIRST ACT

Scene Constance’s drawing-room It is a room furnished
with singularly good taste Constance has a gift for decora-
tion and has made this room of hers both beautiful and
comfortable

It is afternoon

Mrs Culver is seated alone She is an elderly ?ady with a
pleasant face and she is dressed in walking costume The
door is opened and Bentley the butler introduces Martha
Culver This is her daughter and a fine young woman

Bentley Miss Culver

[He goes out

Martha [With astonishment ] Mother

Mrs Culver* [Very calmly ] Yes, darling

Martha You’re the last person I expected to find here
You never told me you were coming to see Constance

Mrs Culver [< Good-humouredly ] I didn’t intend to till I
saw in your beady eye that you meant to I thought I’d
just as soon be here first

Martha Bentley says she’s out.

Mrs Culver Yes Are you going to wait?

Martha Certainly

Mrs Culver Then I will, too.

Martha That’ll be very nice

Mrs Culver Your words are cordial, but your tone is
slightly fngid, my dear

Martha. I don’t know what you mean by that, mother.

91

ACT :

9 6 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Mrs Culver My dear, we’ve known one another a grea
many years, haven’t we^ More than we always find n
convenient to mention

Martha Not at all I’m thirty-two I’m not in the leasi
ashamed of my age Constance is thirty-six

Mrs Culver And yet we still think it worth while to be
a trifle disingenuous with one another Our sex takes
a natural pleasure in dissimulation

Martha I don’t think anyone can accuse me of not being
frank

Mrs Culver Franknessofcourseistheposeofthemoment
It is often a very effective screen for one’s thoughts

Martha I think you’re being faintly disagreeable to me,
mother

Mrs Culver I, on the other hand, think you’re inclined
to be decidedly foolish

Martha Because I want to tell Constance something she
ought to know p

Mrs Culver Ah, I was right then And it’s to tell her
that you’ve broken an engagement, and left three
wretched people to play cut-throat

Martha It is

Mrs Culver And may I ask why you think Constance
ought to know^

Martha Why^ Why^ Why? That’s one of those questions
that really don’t need answering

Mrs Culver I’ve always noticed that the questions that
really don’t need answering are the most difficult to
answer

Martha It isn’t at all difficult to answer She ought to
know the truth because it’s the truth

Mrs Culver Of course truth is an excellent thing, but
before one tells it one should be quite sure that one does

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE 97

so for the advantage of the person who hears it rather
than for one’s own self-satisfaction

Martha Mother, Constance is a very unhappy person

Mrs Culver Nonsense She eats well, sleeps well, dresses
well, and she’s losing weight No woman can be un-
happy in those circumstances

Martha Of course if you won’t understand it’s no use my
trying to make you You’re a darling, but you’re the
most unnatural mother Your attitude simply amazes
me

[The door opens and Bentley ushers tn Mrs Fawcett
Mrs Fawcett is a trim , business-like woman of
forty

Bentley Mrs Fawcett

Mrs Culver Oh, Barbara, how very nice to see you

Barbara [Going up to her and kissing her ] Bentley told me
you were here and Constance was out What are you
doing^

Mrs Culver Bickering

Barbara What about^

Mrs Culver Constance

Martha I’m glad you’ve come, Barbara • Did you
know that John was having an affair with Mane-Louise^

Barbara I hate giving a straight answer to a straight
question

Martha I suppose everyone knows but us How long
have you known? They say it’s been going on for
months I can’t think how it is we’ve only just heard it

Mrs Culver [Ironically ] It speaks very well for human
nature that with the masses of dear friends we have it’s
only to-day that one of them broke the news to us

Barbara Perhaps the dear friend only heard it this
morning

ACT!

98 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Martha At first I refused to believe it
Mrs Culver Only quite, quite at first, darling You
surrendered to the evidence with an outraged alacrity
that took my breath away

Martha Of course I put two and two together After the
first shock I understood everything I’m only astonished
that it never occurred to me before
Barbara Are you very much upset, Mrs Culver^

Mrs Culver Not a bit I was brought up by a very strict
mother to believe that men were naturally wicked I
am seldom surprised at what they do and never upset
Martha Mother has been simply maddening She treats
it as though it didn’t matter a row of pins
Mrs Culver Constance and John have been married for
fifteen years John is a very agreeable man I’ve some-
times wondered whether he was any more faithful to
his wife than most husbands, but as it was really no
concern of mine I didn’t let my mind dwell on it
Martha Is Constance your daughter or is she not your
daughter?

Mrs Culver You certainly have a passion for straight
questions, my dear The answer is yes
Martha, And are you prepared to sit there quietly and let
her husband grossly deceive her with her most intimate
friend?

Mrs Culver So long as she doesn’t know I can’t see that
she’s any the worse Mane-Lomse is a nice little thing,
silly of course, but that’s what men like, and if John is
going to deceive Constance it’s much better that it
should be with someone we all know
Martha [To Barbara J Did you ever hear a respectable
woman — and mother is respectable . , *

Mrs Culver [Interrupting ] Oh, quite.

Martha Talk like that?

ACT I THE CONSTANT U IFE 99

Barbara You think that something ought to be done
about it?

Martha I am determined that something shall be done
about it

Mrs Culver Well, my dear, Fm determined that there’s at
least one thing you shan’t do and that is to tell Constance

Barbara [A tnfle startled ] Is that what you want to do^

Martha Somebody ought to tell her If mother won’t I
must

Barbara Fm extremely fond of Constance Of course I’ve
known what was going on for a long time and I’ve been
dreadfully worried

Martha John has put her into an odious position No
man has the right to humiliate his wife as he has
humiliated Constance He’s made her perfectly
ridiculous

Mrs Culver If women were ridiculous because then
husbands are unfaithful to them, there would surely be
a great deal more merriment in the world than there is

Barbara [Delighted to hare a good gossip ] You know they
were lunching together to-day^

Martha We hadn’t heard that But they were dining
together the night before last

Mrs Culver [Brightly] We know what they had to eat
for dinner. Do you know what they had to eat for
luncheon^

Martha Mother

Mrs Culver. Well, I thought she seemed rather uppish
about the lunch

Martha You have no sense of decency, mother

Mrs Culver Oh, my dear, don’t talk to me about decency
Decency died with dear Queen Victoria.

IDO THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT I

Barbara [To Mrs Culver] But you can't approve of
John having an open and flagrant intrigue with Con-
stance's greatest friend

Mrs Culver It may be that with advancing years m)
arteries have hardened I am unable to attach any great
importance to the philandermgs of men I think it’s
their nature John is a very hard-working surgeon If
he likes to lunch and dine with a pretty woman now
and then I don’t think he's much to blame It must be
very tiresome to have three meals a day with the same
woman for seven days a week I’m a little bored mvself
at seeing Martha opposite me at the dinner-table And
men can’t stand boredom as well as women

Martha I’m sure I’m very much obliged to you, mother

Barbara [Significantly ] But they’re not only lunching and
dining together

Mrs Culver You fear the worst, my dear*

Barbara [With solemnity ] I know the worst

Mrs Culver I always think that’s such a comfort With
closed doors and no one listening to us, so long as a
man 1$ kind and civil to his wife do you blame him very
much if he strays occasionally from the narrow path of
virtue 5

Martha Do you mean to say that you attach no importance
to husbands and wives keeping their marriage vows 5

Mrs Culver I think wives should

Barbara But that’s grossly unfair Why should they any
more than men?

Mrs Culver Because on the whole they like it We ascribe
a great deal of merit to ourselves because we’re faithful
to our husbands I don’t believe we deserve it for a
minute We’re naturally faithful creatures and we’re
faithful because we have no particular inclination to be
anything else*

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE IOI

Barbara I wonder

Mrs Culver My dear, you are a widow and perfectly free
Have you really had any great desire to do anything that
the world might say ypu shouldn't^

Barbara I have my business When you work hard eight
hours a day you don't much want to be bothered with
love In the evening the tired business woman wants
to go to a musical comedy or play cards She doesn't
want to be worried with adoring males

Martha By the way, how is your business**

Barbara Growing by leaps and bounds As a matter of
fact I came here to-day to ask Constance if she would
like to come in with me

Mrs Culver Why should she^ John earns plenty of
money

Barbara Well, I thought if things came to a crisis she might
like to know that her independence was assured

Mrs Culver Oh, you want them to come to a crisis, too^

Barbara No, of course I don't But, you know, they can't
go on like this It’s a miracle that Constance hasn't
heard yet She's bound to find out soon

Mrs Culver I suppose it's inevitable

Martha I hope she'll find out as quickly as possible I
still think it's mother's duty to tell her

Mrs Culver Which I have no intention of doing

Martha And if mother won't I think 21 ought

Mrs Culver Which I have no intention of permitting

Martha He's humiliated her beyond endurance Her
position is intolerable I have no words to express my
opinion of Marie-Louise, and the first time I see her I
shall tell her exactly what I th ink of her She's a horrid,
ungrateful, mean and contemptible little cat

102

THE CONSTANT WIFE

ACT I

Barbara Anyhow, I think it would be a comfort to
Constance to know that if anything happened she has
me to turn to

Mrs Culver But John would make her a handsome
allowance He’s a very generous man

Martha [. Indignantly ] Do you think Constance would
accept xt?

Barbara Martha’s quite right, Mrs Culver No woman
in those circumstances would take a penny of his
money

Mrs Culver That’s what she’d say But she’d take care
that her lawyer made the best arrangement he could
Few men know with what ingenuity we women can
combine the disinterested gesture with a practical eye
for the mam chance

Barbara Aren’t you rather cynical, Mrs Culver^

Mrs Culver I hope not But when women are alone
together I don’t see why they shouldn’t tell the truth
now and then It’s a rest from the weary round of
pretending to be something that we quite well know
we’re not

Martha [Stiffly ] I’m not aware that I’ve ever pretended
to be anything I wasn’t

Mrs Culver I dare say not, my dear But I’ve always
thought you were a little stupid You take after your
poor father Constance and I have the brains of the
family

[Constance comes into the room She u a handsome
woman of six and thirty She has been out and wears
a bat

Barbara [Eagerly ] Constance

Constance I’m so sorry I wasn’t m How nice of you all
to wait How are you, mother darling^

[She fosses them one after another

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE XO3

Martha What have you been doing all day, Constance^
Constance Oh, I’ve been shopping with Mane-Louise
She’s just coming up
Barbara {With dismay ] Is she here^

Constance Yes She’s telephoning
Martha [Ironically] You and Mane-Louise ate quite
inseparable

Constance I like her She amuses me
Martha Were you lunching together*

Constance No, she was lunching with a beau
Martha [With a glance at Mrs Culver] Oh, really
[Breezily ] John always comes home to luncheon,
doesn’t he?

Constance [With great frankness] When he doesn’t have
to be at the hospital too early
Martha Was he lunching with you to-day^

Constance No He was engaged
Martha Where^

Constance Good heavens, I don’t know When you’ve
been married as long as I have you never ask your
husband where he’s going
Martha I don’t know why not

Constance [Smiling ] Because he might take it into his
head to ask you

Mrs Culver And also because if you’re a wise woman you
have confidence in your husband
Constance John has never given me a moment’s uneasi-
ness yet

Martha You’re lucky

Constance [With her tongue in her cheek ] Or wise

[Marie-Louise appears She is a very pretty httle
thing, beautifully dressed , of the clinging , large-eyed
type

104 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT I

Marie-Louise Oh, I didn’t know there was a party

Mrs Culver Martha and I are just going

Constance You know my mother, Mane-Louise

Marie-Louise Of course I do

Constance She’s a very nice mother

Mrs Culver With her head screwed on the nght way and
very active for her years

[Marie-Louise fosses Barbara and Martha

Marie-Louise How do you do

Martha [Looking at her dress ] That’s new, isn’t it, Mane-
Louise^ *

Marie-Louise Yes, I’ve never had it on before

Martha Oh, did you put it on because you were lunching
with a beau^

Marie-Louise What makes you think I was lunching with
a beau^

Martha Constance told me so

Constance It was only a guess on my part [To Marie-
Louise ] When we met I noticed that your eyes were
shining and you had that pleased, young look a woman
always gets when some one has been telling her she’s
the most adorable thing in the world,

Martha Tell us who it was, Mane-Louise

Constance Do nothing of the kind, Mane-Louise Keep
it a secret and give us something to gossip about

Barbara How is your husband, dear*

Marie-Louise, Oh, he’s very well I’ve just been tele-
phoning to him.

Barbara I never saw anyone adore his wife so obviously
as he adores you

Marie-Louise: Yes, he’s sweet, isn’t he?

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE JOI

Barbara But doesn’t it make you a little nervous some-
times^ It must be nerve-racking to be obliged to live
up to such profound devotion It would be a dreadful
shock if he ever found out that you were not everything
he thought you

Constance [Charmingly ] But Mane-Louise is everything
he thinks her

Marie-Louise And even if I weren’t I think it would
require more than the evidence of his eyes to persuade
him

Constance Listen There’s John [She goes to the door and
calls ] John! John*

John [Downstairs ] Hulloa

Constance Are you coming up ? Marie-Louise is here

Jons Yes, I’m just coming

Constance He’s been operating all the afternoon. I expect
he’s tired out

Martha [With a look at Marie-Louise] I dare say he
only had a sandwich for luncheon

(John comes tn He ts a tally spare man of about forty

John Good Lord, I never saw such a lot of people How
is my mother-in-law^

Mrs Culver Mother-in-lawish

John [Kissing her — to Barbara ] You know, I only married
Constance because her mother wouldn’t have me

Mrs Culver I was too young at the time to marry a boy
twenty years younger than myself

Constance It hasn’t prevented you from flirting out-
rageously with the creature ever since It’s lucky I’m
not a jealous woman.

John What have you been doing all day, darling?

Constance I’ve been shopping with Mane-Louise.

p

ACT I

Xo6 THE CONSTANT WIFE

John {Shaking hands wtth Marie-Louise ] Oh, how do you
do p Did you lunch together?

Martha No, she lunched with a beau

John I wish it had been me [To Marie-Louise ] ’What
have you been doing with yourself lately^ We haven’t
seen you for ages

Marie-Louise You’re never about Constance and I
almost live in one another’s pockets

John How’s that nch husband of yours^

Marie-Louise I’ve just been speaking to him Isn’t it a
bore, he’s got to go down to Birmingham for the night,

Constance You’d better come and dine with us

Marie-Louise Oh, it’s awfully nice of you But I’m tired
out I shall just go to bed and have an egg *

John I was just going to tell you, Constance I shan’t be
in this evening I’ve got an acute appendix to do

Constance Oh, what a nuisance

Martha You’ve got a wonderful profession, John If you
ever want to do anything or go anywhere you’ve only
got to say you’ve got an operation and no one can prove
it’s a he

Constance Oh, my dear, you mustn’t put suspicions into
my innocent head It would never occur to John to be
so deceitful [To John ] Would it?

John I think I’d have to go an awful long way before I
managed to deceive you, darling

Constance, [Wtth a little smile ] Sometimes I think you 5 re
nght

Marie-Louise. I do like to see a husband and wife so
devoted to one another as you and John. You’ve been
mamed fifteen years, haven’t you?

John Yes And it doesn’t seem a day too much.

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE IO7

Marie-Louise Well, I must be tunning along Fm late
already Good-bye, darling Good-bye, Mrs Culver
Constance Good-bye, darling We’ve bad such a nice
afternoon

Marie-Louise [Giving her hand to John ] Good-bye
John Oh, I’ll come downstairs with you
Martha I was just go mg, Marie-Louise I’ll come with
you

Marie-Louise [With presence of mind] John, I wonder if
you’d mind looking at my knee for a minute It’s been
rather painful for the last day or two
John Of course not Come into my consulting-room
These knee-caps are troublesome things when you once
get them out of order

Martha [Firmly ] I’ll wait for you You won’t be long,
will you^ We might share a taxi
Marie-Louise I’ve got my car
Martha Oh, how nice! You can give me a lift then
Marie-Louise Of course I shall be delighted

[John opens the door for Marie-Louise She goes out
and be follows her Constance has watched ibis
little scene coolly , hut with an alert mind

Martha. What is the matter with her knee?

Constance It slips.

Martha What happens then?

Constance She slips too

Martha Are you never jealous of these women who come
and see John in his consulting-room?

Constance He always has a nurse within call in case they
should attempt to take liberties with him.

Martha. [Amiably ] Is the nurse there now?

Constance. And anyway I can’t help thinking that the sort

108 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT I

of woman who wants to be made love to in a consulting-
room with a lively odour of antiseptics is the sort of
woman who wears homd undies I could never bnng
myself to be jealous of her

Martha Mane-Louise gave me two of her chemises to
copy only the other day

Constance Oh, did she give you the cerise one with the
Irish lace insertions? I thought that sweet I’ve copied
that

Barbara It’s true that Mane-Louise is very pretty
Constance Mane-Louise is a darling But she and John
have known each other far too long John likes her of
course, but he says she has no brain
Martha Men don’t always say what they trunk
Constance Fortunately, or we shouldn’t always know
what they feel

Martha Don’t you think J ohn has any secrets from you?
Constance I’m sure of it But of course a good wife
always pretends not to know the little things her
husband wishes to keep hidden from her That is an
elementary rule in matrimonial etiquette
Martha Don’t forget that men were deceivers ever
Constance My dear, you talk like a confirmed spinster
What woman was ever deceived that didn’t want to be?
Do you really think that men are mysterious? They’re
children Why, my dear, John at forty isn’t nearly so
grown up as Helen at fourteen.

Barbara How is your girl, Constance?

Constance Oh, she’s very well She loves boarding-
school, you know They’re like little boys, men Some-
times of course they’re rather naughty and you have to
pretend to be angry with them They attach so much
importance to such entirely unimportant things that it’s
really touching And they’re so helpless Have you

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE I09

never nursed a man when he’s llP It wrings your heart
It’s just like a dog or a horse They haven’t got the
sense to come in out of the ram, poor darlings They
have all the charming qualities that accompany general
incompetence They’re sweet and good and silly and
tiresome and selfish You can’t help liking them,
they’re so ingenuous and so simple They have no
complexity or finesse I think they’re sweet, but it’s
absurd to take them seriously You’re a wise woman,
mother What do you think 5

Mrs Culver I think you’re not in love with your husband

Constance What nonsense

[John comes in

John Mane-Lomse is waiting for you, Martha I’ve just
put a little bandage round her knee

Constance I hope you weren’t rough

Martha [To Constance] Good-bye, dear Are you
coming, mother^

Mrs Culver Not just yet

Martha Good-bye, Barbara

[Martha and John go out

Barbara Constance, I’ve got a suggestion to make to you
You know that my business has been growing by leaps
and bounds and I simply cannot get along alone any
more I was wondering if you’d like to come in with
me

Constance Oh, my dear, I’m not a business woman

Barbara You’ve got marvellous taste and you have ideas
You could do all the decorating and I’d confine myself to
buying and selling furniture

Constance But I’ve got no capital

Barbara I’ve got all the capital I want. I must have help
and I know no one more suitable than you We’d go

IIO

THE CONSTANT WIFE

ACT I

fifty-fifty and I think I can promise that you’d make a
thousand to fifteen hundred a year

Constance I’ve been an idle woman so long I think I’d
find it dreadfully hard to work eight hours a day

Barbara Won’t you think it over 5 It’s very interesting,
you know You’re naturally energetic Don’t you get
bored with doing nothing all the time?

Constance I don’t think John would like it After all, it
would look as though he couldn’t afford to support me

Barbara Oh, not nowadays, surely There’s no reason why
a woman shouldn’t have a career just as much as a man

Constance I think my career is looking after John — run-
ning a house for him, entertaining his friends and making
him happy and comfortable

Barbara Don’t you think it rather a mistake to put all
your eggs in one basket? Supposing that career failed
you?

Constance Why should it?

Barbara Of course I hope it won’t But men, you know,
are fluctuating and various Independence is a very good
thing, and a woman who stands on her own feet financi-
ally can look upon the future with a good deal of
confidence

Constance It’s sweet of you, but so long as John and I are
happy together I think I should be a fool to do anything
that would vex him

Barbara, Of course I’m in no immediate hurry One never
knows what the future will bring forth I want you to
know that if you change your mind the job is open to
you I don’t think I shall ever find any one so competent
as you* You have only to say the word

Constance Oh, Barbara, you are kind to me It’s a splen-
did offer and I’m ever so grateful to you Don’t think
me horrid if I say I hope I shall never need to accept it

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE ill

B \rbara Of course not Good-bye, darling

Constance Good-bye, dear

[Thej ktssy and Barbara goes out Constance rings the
bell

Mrs Culver Are you quite happy, dear*

Constance Oh, quite Don’t I look it ?

Mrs Culver Fm bound to say you do So far as I can
judge by the look of you I should say you haven’t a
trouble in the world

Constance You’d be wrong My cook has given notice
and she makes the best menngues Fve ever eaten

Mrs Culver I like John

Constance So do I He has a!2 the solid qualities that make
a man a good husband, an agreeable temper, a sense of
humour and an entire indifference to petty extravagance

Mrs Culver How right you are, darling, to realise that
those are the solid qualities

Constance It’s not the seven deadly virtues that make a
man a good husband, but the three hundred pleasing
amiabilities

Mrs Culver Of course one has to compromise in life
One has to make the best of things One mustn’t
expect too much from people If one wants to be happy
in one’s own way one must let others be happy in
theirs If one can’t get this, that and the other the wise
thing is to make up one’s mind to do without it The
great thing is not to let vanity warp one’s reasonable
point of view

Constance Mother, mother, pull yourself together

Mrs Culver: Everybody’s so clever nowadays They see
everything but the obvious Fve discovered that I only
have to say it quite simply in order to be thought a most
original and amusing old lady*

112

THE CONSTANT WIFE

ACT I

Constance Spare me, darling

Mrs Culver [Affectionately ] If at any time anything went
wrong with you, you would tell your mother, wouldn’t
yoiP

Const *nce Of course

Mrs Culver I hate the thought that you might be unhappy
and let a foolish pride prevent you from letting me
console and advise you

Constance [With feeltng ] It wouldn’t, mother dear

Mrs Culver I had rather an odd experience the other day
A little friend of mine came to see me and told me that
her husband was neglecting her I asked her why she
told me and not her own mother She said that her
mother had never wanted her to marry and it would
mortify her now to have to say that she had made a
mistake

Constance Oh, well, J ohn never neglect s me, mother

Mrs Culver Of course I gave her a good talking to She
didn’t get much sympathy from me

Constance [With a smile ] That was very unkind, wasn’t
it?

Mrs Culver I have my own ideas about marriage If a
man neglects his wife it’s her own fault, and if he’s
systematically unfaithful to her in nine cases out of ten
she only has herself to blame

Constance [Ringing the belli Systematically is a grim
word

Mrs Culver No sensible woman attaches importance to
an occasional slip Time and chance are responsible for
that

Constance And shall we say, masculine vanity?

Mrs Culver I told my little fnend that if her husband was
unfaithful to her it was because he found other women

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE II3

more attractive Why should she be angry with him for
that^ Her business was to be more attractive than they

Constance You are not what they call a feminist, mother,
are yom>

Mrs Culver After all, what is fidelity^

Constance Mother, do you mind if I open the window^

Mrs Culver It is open

Constance In that case do you mind if I shut it^ I feel that
when a woman of your age asks such a question I should
make some sort of symbolic gesture

Mrs Culver Don’t be ridiculous Of course I believe in
fidelity for women I suppose no one has ever questioned
the desirability of that But men are different Women
should remember that they have their homes and their
name and position and their family, and they should learn
to close their eyes when it’s possible they may see
something they are not meant to

[Tie Butler comes tn

Bentley Did you ring, Madam^

Constance Yes I am expecting Mr Bernard Kersal
I’m not at home to anybody else

Bentley Very good, madam

Constance Is Mr Middleton in?

Bentley Yes, madam He’s in the consulting-room.

Constance Very well

[Tie Butler goes out

Mrs Culver Is that a polite way of telling me that I had
better take myself oflP

Constance Of course not On the contrary I particularly
want you to stay.

Mrs Culver Who is this mysterious gendeman?

Constance Mother Bernard

ACT r

1x4 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Mrs Culver That says nothing to me at all Not Saint
Bernard, darling?

Constance Pull yourself together, my pet You must
remember Bernard Kersal He proposed to me
Mrs Culver Oh, my dear, you cannot expect me to
remember the names of all the young men who proposed
to you

Constance Yes, but he proposed more than any of the
others

Mrs Culver Why?

Constance I suppose because I refused him I can’t think
* of any other reason

Mrs Culver He made no impression on me
Constance I don’t suppose he tried to
Mrs Culver What did he look like?

Constance He was tall

Mrs Culver They were all tall

Constance He had brown hair and brown eyes

Mrs Culver They all had brown hair and brown eyes

Constance He danced divinely

Mrs Culver They all danced divinely

Constance I very nearly married him, you know

Mrs Culver Why didn’t you?

Constance I think he was a trifle too much inclined to he
down on the floor and let me walk over him
Mrs Culver In short he had no sense of humour

Constance I was quite certain that he loved me, and I was
never absolutely sure that John did
Mrs Culver Well, you’re sure now, dear, aren’t you?
Constance Oh, yes John adores me

Mrs Culver* And what’s this young man commg for
to-day?

ACT I THE CONSTANT WIFE II5

Constance He’s not such a very young man any more He
was twenty-nine then and so he must be nearly forty-five
now

Mrs Culver He isn’t still in love with you?

Constance I shouldn’t think so Do you think it possible
after fifteen years? It’s surely very unlikely Don’t look
at me like that, mother I don’t like it

Mrs Culver Don’t talk stuff and nonsense to me, child
Of course you know if he’s in love with you or not

Constance But I haven’t seen him since I married John
You see he lives in Japan He’s a merchant or something
in Kobe He was here during the war on leave But that
was when I was so dreadfully ill and I didn’t see him

Mrs Culver OhI Why’s he here now then? Have you
been corresponding with him?

Constance No One can’t write letters to any one one
never sees for fifteen years He always sends me flowers
on my birthday

Mrs Culver That’s rather sweet of him

Constance And the other day I had a letter from him
saying he was in England and would like to see me So
I asked him to come to-day

Mrs Culver I wondered why you were so smart

Constance Of course he may be terribly changed* Men go
off so dreadfully, don’t they? He may be bald and fat
now

Mrs Culver He may be married

Constance Oh, if he were I don’t think he’d want to come
and see me, would he?

Mrs Culver: I see you’re under the impression that he’s
still in love with you

Constance Oh, I’m not.

Mrs Culver. Then why are you so nervous?

ACT I

Il6 the constant wife

Constance It’s only natural that I shouldn’t want him to
think me old and haggard He adored me, mother I
suppose he still thi n ks of me as I was then It wouldn’t
be very nice if his face fell about a yard and a half when
he came into the room

Mrs Culver I think I’d much better leave you to face the
ordeal alone

Constance On, no, mother, you must stay I particularly
want you You see, he may be awful and I may wish I’d
never seen him again It’ll be so much easier if you’re
here I may not want to be alone with him at all

Mrs Culver Oh

Constance [With a twinkle m her eye ] On the other hand I
may

Mrs Culver It seems to me you’re putting me in a slightly
embarrassing situation

Constance Now listen If I think he’s awful we’U just talk
about the weather and the crops for a few minutes and
then we’ll have an ominous pause and stare at him
That always makes a man feel a perfect fool and the
moment a man feels a fool he gets up and goes

Mrs Culver Sometimes they don’t know how to, poor
dears, and the earth will never open and swallow them
up

Constance On the other hand if I think he looks rather
nice I shall just take out my handkerchief and carelessly
place it on the piano

Mrs Culver Why ?

Constance Darling, in order that you may rise to your
aged feet and say, well, you really must be running
along

Mrs Culver Yes, I know that, but why should you care-
lessly place your handkerchief on the piano?

ACT I

THE CONSTANT WIFE

117

Constance Because I am a creature of impulse I shall have
an impulse to place my handkerchief on the piano

Mrs Culver Oh, very well But I always mistrust
impulses

[Bentley enters and announces Bernard Kersal He
is a tall good-looking man , sunburned and of healthy
appearance He is evidently very fit and he carries his
forty five years well

Bentley Mr Kersal

Constance How do you do^ Do you remember my
mother*

Bernard [Shaking hands with her] I’m sure she doesn’t
remember me

[Constance takes a small handkerchief out of her bag .

Mrs Culver That is the soft answer that turneth away
wrath

Constance It’s rather late for tea, isn’t it^ Would you like
a dnnk^

[As she says this she goes towards the bell and places her
handkerchief on the piano

Bernard No, thanks I’ve just this moment had one.

Constance To brace you for seeing me^

Bernard I was nervous

Constance Have I changed as much as you expected^

Bernard Oh, that’s not what I was nervous about

Mrs Culver Is it really fifteen years since you saw
Constance^

Bernard Ye& I didn’t see her when I was last in England
When I got demobbed I had to go out to Japan again and
get my business together I haven’t had a chance to come
home before

[Constance has been giving her mother significant looks ,
but her mother does not notice them Constance takes

1X8 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT I

a second handkerchief out of her hag and when the
opportunity arises places it neatly on the piano beside
the first one

Mrs Culver And are you home for long?

Bernard A year

Mrs Culver Have you brought your wife with you^

Bernard Fm not married

Mrs Culver Oh, Constance said you were married to a
Japanese lady

Constance Nonsense, mother I never said anything of the
sort

Mrs Culver Oh, perhaps I was thinking of Julia Linton
She married an Egyptian pasha I believe she’s very
happy At all events he hasn’t killed her yet

Bernard How is your husband 5

Constance He’s very well I dare say he’ll be in presently

Bernard Haven’t you got a little sister 5 I suppose she’s
out now 5

Mrs Culver He means Martha She’s come out and gone
m again

Constance She was not so very much younger than me,
you know She’s thirty-two now

[Mrs Culver has taken no notice of the handkerchiefs
and in desperation Constance takes a third from her
bag and places it beside the other two

Mrs Culver Do you like the East, Mr Kersal?

Bernard One has a pretty good time there, you know

[Now Mrs Culver catches sight of the three handker-
chiefs and starts

Mrs Culver I wonder what the time is
Constance It’s late, mother Are you dining out to-night?
I suppose you want to have a lie-down before you dress
for dinner

ACT I

THE CONSTANT VIFE

119

Mrs Culver I hope I shall see you again, Mr Kersal
Bernard Thank you very much

[Constance accompanies her to the door
Mrs Culver Good-bye, darling [In a whisper] I couldn't
remember if the handkerchiefs meant go or stay
Constance You had only to use your eyes You can see at
a glance that he is the kind of man one would natur all y
want to have a heart-to-heart talk with after fifteen
years

Mrs Culver You only confused me by putting more and
more handkerchiefs on the piano
Constance For goodness' sake go, mother [Aloud]
Good-bye, my sweet I'm sorry you’ve got to run away
so soon

Mrs Culver Good-bye

[She goes out and Constance comes hack into the room
Constance Did you think it very rude of us to whisper*
Mother has a passion for secrets
Bernard Of course not

Constance Now let's sit down and make ourselves
comfortable Let me look at you You haven't changed
much You're a little thinner and perhaps a little more
lined Men are so lucky, if they have any character they
grow better-looking as they grow older. Do you know
I'm thirty-six now?

Bernard What does that matter*

Constance* Shall I tell you something? When you wrote
and suggested coming here I was delighted at the thought
of seeing you again and wrote at once making a date
And then I was panic-stricken. I would have given
almost anything not to have sent that letter And all
to-day I've had such a horrible feeling at the pit of my
stomach Didn't you see my knees wobble when you
came into the room?

HO THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT I

Bernard In God’s name, why?

Constance Oh, my dear, I think you must be a little stupid
I should be a perfect fool if I didn’t know that when I was
a girl I was very pretty It’s rather a pang when you are
forced to the conclusion that you’re not quite so pretty as
you were People don’t tell one One tries to hide it
from oneself Anyhow I thought I’d rather know the
worst That’s one of the reasons I asked you to come
Bernard Whatever I thought you can hardly imagine that
I should be deliberately rude

Constance Of course not But I watched your face I was
afraid I’d see there By God, how she’s gone oil
Bernard And did you^

Constance You were rather shy when you came in You
weren’t thinking of me

Bernard It’s quite true, fifteen years ago you were a pretty
girl Now you’re lovely You’re ten times more
beautiful than you were then
Constance. It’s nice of you to say so
Bernard Don’t you believe lt^

Constance I think you do And I confess that’s sufficiently
gratifying Now tell me, why aren’t you married^ It’s
time you did, you know, or it’ll be too late You’ll have
a very lonely old age if you don’t
Bernard I never wanted to marry an} one but you
Constance Oh, come, you’re not going to tell me that
you’ve never been in love since you were in love with
me?

Bernard No, I’ve been in love half a dozen* times, but
when it came to the point I found I still loved you best
Constance I like you for saying that I shouldn’t have
believed it if you’d said you’d never loved anybody else
and I should have been vexed with you for thinking me
such a fool as to believe it*

ACT I

THE CONSTANT WIFE

121

Bernard You see, it was you I loved in the others One
because she had hair like yours and another because her
smile reminded me of your smile

Constance I hate to think that I've made you u nhap py

Bernard But you haven’t. I’ve had a very good time, I’ve
enjoyed my work. I’ve made a bit of money and I’ve had
a lot of fun I don’t blame you for having married John
instead of me

Constance Do you remember John*

Bernard Of course I do He was a very nice fellow I
dare say he’s made you a better husband than I should
have I’ve had my ups and downs I’m very irritable
sometimes John’s been able to give you everything you
wanted You were much safer with him By the way, I
suppose I can still call you Constance
Constance Of course Why not* Do you know, I f-hmlr
you have a very nice nature, Bernard

Bernard Are you happy with J ohn?

Constance Oh, very I don’t say that he has never given
me a moment’s uneasiness He did once, but I took hold
of myself and saw that I mustn’t be silly I’m very glad I
did I think I can quite honestly say that ours has been a
very happy and successful marriage

Bernard I’m awfully glad to hear that Do you think it’s
cheek to ask if John loves you*

Constance I’m sure he loves me
Bernard And do you love him?

Constance Very much

Bernard May I make you a short speech*

Constance If I may interrupt at suitable moments
Bernard X hope you’re going to let me see a great deal of
you during tins year I’ve got at home
Constance I want to see a great deal of you

122

THE CONSTANT WIFE

ACT I

Bernard There’s just one thing I want to get off my chest
and then I needn’t refer to it again I am just as madly in
love with you as I was when I asked you to marry me
fifteen years ago I think I shall remain in love with you
all my life I’m too old a dog to learn new tricks But I
want you to know that you needn’t have the smallest fear
that I shall make a nuisance of myself I should think it
an awfully caddish thing to try to come between you and
John I suppose we all want to be happy, but I don’t
believe the best way of being that is to try to upset other
people’s happiness

Constance That’s not such a very long speech after all
At a public dinner they would hardly even call it a few
remarks

Bernard All I ask for is your friendship and if in return I
care to give you my love I don’t see that it’s any one’s
business but my own.

Constance I don’t think it is I think I can be a very good
friend, Bernard

\The door opens and John comes tn

John Oh *’m sorry I didn’t know you were engaged

Constance I’m not Comem This is Bernard Kersah

John How do you do?

Bernard I’m afraid you don’t remember me

John If you ask me point-blank I think it’s safer to confess
I don’t

Constance Don’t be so silly, John He used to come to
mother’s

John Before we were married, d’you mearn*

Constance Yes You spent several week-ends with us
together

John My dear, that was fifteen years ago I’m awfully
sorry not to remember you, but I’m delighted to see you
now.

ACT I

THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance He’s just come back from Japan
John Oh, well, I hope we shall see you again Fm just
going along to the club to have a rubber before dinner,
darling [To Bernard ] Why don’t you dme here with
Constance^ I’ve got an acute appendix and she’ll be all
alone, poor darling

Bernard Oh, that’s awfully kind of you
Constance It would be a friendly act Are you free?
Bernard Always to do a friendly act
Constance Very well I shall expect you at eight-fifteen

END OF THE FIRST \CT

THE SECOND ACT

I he Seem ts the same
A Fortnight has passed

Martha m walking costume and a hat ts looking at an illustrated
paper

Bentley comes in

Bentley Mr Kersal is here, Miss

Martha Oh* Ask him if he won’t come up

Bentley Very good. Miss [He goes out and tn a moment
comes tn again to announce Bernard, and then goes ] Mr
Kersal

Martha Constance is dressing She won’t be very long

Bernard Oh, I see Well, there’s no violent hurry

Martha You’re taking her to Ranelagh, aren’t you^

Bernard That was the idea I know some of the fellows
who are playing to-day

Martha Are you having a good time in London^

Bernard Marvellous When a man’s lived in the East as
long as I have, he’s apt to feel rather out of it when
he comes home But Constance and John have been
ripping to me

Martha Do you like John?

Bernard Yes He’s been awfully kind

Martha Do you know, I remember you quite well

Bernard Oh, you can’t You were a kid when I used to
come down and stay with your mother

1*4

ACT IX THE CONSTANT WIFE IZj

Mari ha I was sixteen Do you imagine I wasn't thrilled to
the marrow by Constance’s young men?

Bernard There were a good many ot tnem I should have
thought your marrow got callous

Martha But you were one of the senous ones I always
thought you terribly romantic

Bernard 1 was terribly romantic I think it’s becoming in
the young

Martha I don’t think it’s unbecoming in the not quite as
young

Bernard Don’t think I’m romantic now I make a
considerable income and I’m putting on weight The
price of silk has ousted love’s young dream in my manly
bosom

Martha You’re an unconscionable liar

Bernard To which I can only retort that you’re excessively
rude

Martha You were madly in love with Constance in those
days, weren’t you 5

Bernard You know, it’s so long ago I forget

Martha I advised her to marry you rather than John

Bernard Why?

Martha Well, for one thing you lived in Japan I would
have married any one who would take me there

Bernard I live there still

Martha Oh, I don’t want to marry you

Bernard I couldn’t help suspecting that

Martha I could never really quite understand what Jhe
saw in John

Bernard I suppose she loved him

Martha I wonder if she ever regrets that she married John
rather than you

act n

126 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Bernard Well, don’t She’s perfectly satisfied with John
and wouldn’t change him for anything in the world

Martha It’s exasperating, isn’t it?

Bernard I don’t think so It must make it much more
comfortable for a husband and wife to be content with
one another

Martha You’re in love with her still, aren’t you*

Bernard Not a bit

Martha Upon my soul, you’ve got a nerve Why, you
donkey, you’re giving it away all the time Do you
know what you look like when she’s in the room?
Have you any idea how your eyes change when they rest
on her* When you speak her name it sounds as though
you were kissing it

Bernard I thought you were an odious child when you
were sixteen, Martha, and now that you’re thirty-two I
think you’re a horrible woman

Martha I’m not really But I’m very fond of Constance
and I’m inclined to be rather fond of you

Bernard Don’t you think you could show your attach-
ment by minding your own business*

Martha Why does it make you angry because I’ve told
you that no one can see you with Constance for five
minutes without knowing that you adore her*

Bernard My dear. I’m here for one year I want to be
happy I don’t want to give trouble of cause trouble I
value my friendship with Constance and I hate the idea
that any thing should interfere with it

Martha Hasn’t it occurred to you that she may want more
than your friendship*

Bernard No, it has not

Martha You need not jump down my throat.

Bernard Constance is perfectly happy with her husband.

ACT II

THE CONSTANT WIFE

You must think me a damned swine if you think Fm
going to butt in and try to smash up a perfectly wonder-
ful union

Martha But, you poor fool, don’t you know that John has
been notoriously unfaithful to Constance for ages**

Bernard I don’t believe it

Martha Ask any one you like Mother knows it Barbara
Fawcett knows it Every one knows it but Constance

Bernard That certainly isn’t true Mrs Durham told me
when I met her at dinner two or three days ago that John
and Constance were the most devoted couple she’d ever
known

Martha Did Mane-Louise tell you that^

Bernard She did

[Martha begins to laugh She can hardly restrain herself

Martha The nerve Marie-Louise Oh, my poor Bernard
Mane-Louise is John’s mistress

Bernard Marie-Louise is Constance’s greatest fnend

Martha Yes

Bernard If this is a pack of lies I swear I’ll damned well
wring your neck,

Martha All right

Bernard That was a silly thing to say I’m sorry

Martha Oh, I don’t mind I like a man to be violent, I
think you’re just the sort of man Constance needs

Bernard What the devil do you mean by thaf>

Martha it can’t go on Constance is being made perfectly
ridiculous Her position is monstrous I thought she
ought to be told and as every one else seemed to shirk the
job I was prepared to do it myself My mother was so
disagreeable about it. I’ve had to promise not to say a
Word

ACT II

128 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Bernard You’re not under the delusion that I’m going to
tell her 5

Martha No, I don’t really think it would come very well
from you But things can’t go on She’s bound to find
out All I want you to do is to well, stand by

Bernard But Marie-Louise has got a husband What
about hmP

Martha His only ambition in life is to make a million
He’s the sort of a fool who thinks a woman loves him
just because he loves her Marie-Louise can turn him
round her little finger

Bernard Has Constance never suspected^

Martha Never You’ve only got to look at her Really,
her self-confidence sometimes is positively maddening

Bernard I wonder if it wouldn’t be better that she never
did find out She’s so happy She’s entirely care-
free You’ve only got to look at that open brow and
those frank, trustful eyes

Martha I thought you loved her

Bernard Enough to want her happiness above all things

Martha You are forty-five, aren’t you? I forgot that for a
moment

Bernard Dear Martha You have such an attractive way
of putting things

[Constance’s voice on the stairs is heard calling
Bentley, Bentley

Martha Oh, there’s Constance I can’t imagine where
mother is I think I’ll go into the brown room and write
a letter

[Bernard takes no notice of what she says nor does he
make any movement when she goes out ; A moment
later Constance comes tn

Constance Have I kept you waiting?

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE 1*9

Bernard It doesn’t matter
Constance Hulloat What’s up?

Bernard With me? Nothing Why?

Constance You look all funny Why are your eyes
suddenly opaque?

Bernard I didn’t know they were

Constance Are you trying to hide something from me?

Bernard Of course not

Constance Have you had bad news from Japan?

Bernard No Far from it Silk is booming
Constance Then you’re going to tell me that you’ve just
got engaged to a village maiden
Bernard No, I’m not

Constance I hate people who keep secrets from me
Bernard I have no secrets from you
Constance Do you think I don’t know your face by now?
Bernard You’ll make me vain I would never have
ventured to think that you took the trouble to look
twice at my ugly face

Constance [With sudden suspicion ] Wasn’t Martha here
when you came? She hasn’t gone, has she?

Bernard She’s waiting for her mother She’s gone into
another room to write letters
Constance Did you see her?

Bernard [Trying to be very casual ] Yes We had a little
chat about the weather

Constance [Immediately grasping what has happened ] Oh

Don’t you think we ought to be starting?

Bernard There’s plenty of time It’s no good getting
there too early

Constance Then I’ll take off my hat

Bernard And it’s jolly here, isn’t it? I love your room

ACT II

I30 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Do you think it’s a success? I did it myself
Barbara Fawcett wants me to go into the decorating
business She’s in it, you know, and she’s making quite
a lot of money

Bernard [Smhng to bide bis anxiety in asking the question ]
Aren’t you happy at home^

Constance [Breezily ] I don’t think it necessarily means
one’s unhappy at home because one wants an occupation
One may very easily grow tired of going to parties all the
time But as a matter of fact I refused Barbara’s offer

Bernard [Insisting] You are happy, aren’t you?

Constance Very

Bernard You’ve made m very happy during this last
fortnight I feel as though I’d never been away You’ve
been awfully kind to me

Constance I’m very glad you think so I don’t know that
I’ve done anything very much for you

Bernard Yes, you have You’ve let me see you

Constance I let the policeman at the corner do that, you
know

Bernard You mustn’t think that because I take care only
to talk to you of quite casual things I don’t still love you
with all my heart

Constance [Quite coolly ] We agreed when first you came
back that your feelings were entirely your business

Bernard Do you mind my loving you?

Constance Oughtn’t we all to love one another^

Bernard, Don’t tease me

Constance My dear, I can’t help being pleased and
flattered and rather touched It is rather wonderful that
any one should care for me

Bernard [ Interrupting ] So much?

Constance After so many years

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE I^I

Bernard If any one had asked me fifteen years ago if I
could love you more than I loved you then I should have
said it was impossible I love you ten times more than I
ever loved you before

Constance [Going on with her own speech ] But I don’t in the
least want you to make love to me now

Bernard I know Fm not going to I know you far too
well

Constance [Amused and a trifle taken aback ] I don’t quite
know what you’ve been doing for the last five minutes

Bernard I was merely stating a few plain facts

Constance Oh, I beg your pardon I thought it was
something quite different I’m afraid you might mistake
my meaning if I said I’m quite cunous to see how you do
make love

Bernard [< Good-humouredly ] I have a notion that you’re
laughing at me

Constance In the hope of teaching you to laugh at
yourself

Bernard I’ve been very good during the last fortnight,
haven’t I?

Constance Yes, I kept on saying to myself I wonder if a
pat of butter really would melt in his mouth

Bernard Well, for just a minute I’m going to let myself go

Constance I wouldn’t if I were you

Bernard Yes, but you’re not I want to tell you just once
that I worship the ground you tread on There’s never
been any one in the world for me but you

Constance Oh, nonsense There have been half a dozen
We are seven

Bernard They were all you I love you with all my heart
I admire you more than any woman I’ve ever met I
respect you I’m an awful fool when it comes to the

132

THE CONSTANT WIFE

ACT II

point I don’t know how to say all I’ve got in my heart
without feeling like a perfect ass I love you I want you
to know that if ever you’re in trouble I should look
upon it as the greatest possible happiness to be allowed
to help you

Constance That’s very kind of you I don’t see why 1
should be in any trouble

Bernard Always and in all circumstances you can count
on me absolutely I will do anything in the world for
you If ever you want me you have only to give me a
sign I should be proud and happy to give my life for
you

Constance It’s sweet of you to say so

Bernard Don’t you believe it?

Constance [With a charming smile ] Yes

Bernard I should like to think that it meant — oh, not very
much, but just a little to you

Constance [Almost shaken] It means a great deal I thank
you

Bernard Now we won’t say anything more about it

Constance [ Recovering her accustomed coolness ] But why did
you think it necessary to say all this just now?

Bernard I wanted to get it off mv chest

Constance Oh, really

Bernard You’re not angry with me ?

Constance Oh, Bernard, I’m not that kind of a fool at all
It’s a pitv that Martha doesn’t marry

Bernard Don’t think that I’m going to marry her.

Constance I don’t I merely thought that a husband would
be a pleasant and useful occupation for her She’s quite a
nice girl, you know A liar, of course, but otherwise ah
right

Bernard Oh>

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE I33

Constance Yes, a terrible liar, even for a woman

Shall we start now? It’s no good getting there when the-
polo is over

Bernard All right Let’s start

Constance I’ll put my hat on again By the way, you*
haven’t had a taxi waiting all this time, have yoiP

Bernard No, I’ve got a car I thought I’d like to drive
you down myself

Constance Open or shut?

Bernard Open

Constance Oh, my dear, then I must get another hat A
broad brim like this is such a bore in an open car

Bernard Oh, I am sorry

Constance It doesn’t matter a bit I shall only be a minute
And why on earth shouldn’t one be comfortable if one-
can?

[She goes out In a moment Bentley shows m Marie-
Louise

Marie-Louise Oh, how do you do [To Bentley ] Will
you tell Mr Middleton at once^

Bentley Yes, madam

[Exit Bentley

Marie-Louise [Rather flustered ] I particularly wanted to
see John for a minute and there are patients waiting to-
see him, so I asked Bentley if he couldn’t come here*

Bernard I’ll take myself off

Marie-Louise I’m awfully sorry, but it’s rather urgent*.
John hates to be disturbed like this

Bernard I’ll go into the next room*

Marie-Louise Are you waiting for Constance?

Bernard Yes, I’m taking her to Ranelagh She’s changing:
her hat

ACT n

i$4 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Marie-Louise I see Bentley told me she was upstairs
Good-bye I shall only be a minute [Bernard goes into
the adjoining room just as John comes m ] Oh, John, Fm
sorry to drag you away from your patients

John There’s nothing urgent They can wait for a few
minutes [Bernard has closed the door behind Jnm> and
John’s tone changes They speak now m a low voice and
quickly ] Is anything the matter?

Marie-Louise Mortimer
John What about Mortimer^

Marie-Louise Fm convinced he suspects
John Why?

Marie-Louise He was so funny last night He came mto
my room to say good-night to me He sat on my bed
He was chatting nicely and he was asking what I’d been
doing with myself all the evening
John Presumably you didn’t tell him

Marie-Louise No, I said I’d been dining here And
suddenly he got up and just said good-night and went
out His voice was so strange that I couldn’t help looking
at him He was as red as a turkey cock
John Is that alP

Marie-Louise He never came in to say good-mommg to
me before he went to the Gty
John He may have been m a hurry,

Marie-Louise He’s never in too much of a hurry for that
John I think you’re making a mountain of a mole heap

Marie-Louise Don’t be stupid, John* Can’t you see Fm as
nervous as a cat?

John I can But I’m try mg to persuade you there’s
nothing to be nervous about

Marie-Louise What fools men are They never will see

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE I35

that it’s the small things that matter I tell you I’m
frightened out of my wits

John You know there’s a devil of a distance between
suspicion and proof

Marie-Louise Oh, I don’t think he could prove anything
But he can make himself awfully unpleasant Supposing
he put ideas in Constance’s heacP

John She’d never believe him

Marie-Louise If the worst came to worst I could manage
Mortimer He’s awfully in love with me That always
gives one such an advantage over a man

John Of course you can twist Mortimer round your little
finger

Marie-Louise I should die of shame if Constance knew
After all, she’s my greatest friend and I’m absolutely
devoted to her

John Constance is a peach Of course I don’t believe
there’s anything in this at all, but if there were, I’d be in
favour of making a clean breast of it to Constance

Marie-Louise Neverl

John I expect she’d kick up a row Any woman would.
But she’d do anything in the world to help us out

Marie-Louise A lot you know about women She’d help
you out, I dare say But she’d stamp on me with both
feet That’s only human nature

John Not Constance’s

Marie-Louise Upon my word, it’s lucky I’m fairly sure of
you, John, or the way you talk of Constance would really
make me jealous

John Thank God you can smile You’re getting your
nerve back

Marie-Louise It’s been a comfort to talk it over It
doesn’t seem so bad now.

ACT II

136 THE CONSTANT WIFE

John I’m sure you’ve got nothing to be frightened about

Marie-Louise I dare say it was only my fancy It was a
stupid nsk to take all the same

John Perhaps Why did you look so devilish pretty^

Marie-Louise Oughtn't you to be getting back to your
wretched patients^

John I suppose so Will you stop and see Constance^ 5

Marie-Louise I may as well It would look rather odd if I
went away without saying how d’you do to her

John [Going ] Til leave you then And don’t worry

Marie-Louise I won’t I dare say it was only a guilty
conscience I’ll go and have my hair washed

[As John is about to go, Martha comes tn followed by
Bernard

Martha [With an almost exaggerated cordiality ] I had no
idea you were here, Marie-Louise

Marie-Louise It’s not very important

Martha I was just writing letters, waiting for mother, and
Bernard’s only just told me

Marie-Louise I wanted to see John about something

Martha 1 hope you haven’t got anything the matter with
you, darling

Marie-Louise No Mortimer’s been looking rather run-
down lately and I want John to persuade him to take a
holiday

Martha Oh, I should have thought he’d be more likely to
take a physician’s advice than a surgeon’s in a thing like
that

Marie-Louise He’s got a tremendous belief in John, you
know

Martha In which I’m sure he’s justified John is so very
reliable.

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE I37

John What can I do for you, Martha- 1 If you’d like me to
cut out an appendix or a few tonsils I shall be happy to
oblige you

Martha My dear John, you’ve only left me the barest
necessities of existence as it is I don’t think I could
manage with anything less than I have
John My dear, as long as a woman has a leg to stand on she
need not despair of exciting her surgeon’s sympathy and
interest

[Constance corns m with Mrs Culver
Marte-Louise [Kissmg her ] Darling*

Constance How is your knee, still slipping^

Marie-Louise It always gives me more or less trouble, you
know

Constance Yes, of course I think you’re very patient In
your place I should be furious with John Of course I
would never dream of consulting him if I had anything
the matter with me

Mrs Culver I’m sorry I’ve been so long, Martha Have
you been very impatient^

Martha No, I’ve been passing the time very pleasantly
Mrs Culver For others, darling, or only for yourself ^
Constance I met mother on the stairs and she came up
with me while I changed my hat Bernard is taking me
down to Ranelagh
John Oh, that’ll be jolly
Bernard We shall be dreadfully late
Constance Does it matter?

Bernard No

[Bentley corns m with a card on a small satve ana takes
it to Constance She looks at the card and hesitates
Constance How very odd
John What’s the matter, Constance?

9

ACT II

138 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Nothing [For an instant she reflects ] Is he
downstairs?

Bentley Yes, madam

Constance I don’t know why he should send up a card
Show him up

Bentley Very good, madam,

[Exit Bentley

John Who is it, Constance?

Constance Come and sit down, Marie-Louise
Marie-Louise I must go and so must you
Constance There’s plenty of time Do you like this hat?
Marie-Louise Yes I think it’s sweet
Constance What are you doing here, John? Haven’t you
got any patients to-day?

John Yes, there are two or three waiting I’m just going
down As a matter of fact I thought I deserved^ cigarette
[He puts his hand to his hip poc ket ] J &gfig, I’ve mislai^my
cigarette-case You B^rvSETfseen it about, Constanc J
Constance No, I haven’t

John I looked for it everywhere this morning I can’t
think where I left it I must ring up the nursing-home
and ask if I left it there
Constance I hope you haven’t lost it
John Oh, no I’m sure I haven’t I’ve just put it some-
where

[The door opens and Bentley announces the visitor
Bentley Mr Mortimer Durham
Marie-Louise [Startled out ojf her wits ] OhI
Constance [j Quickly, seizing her wrist ] Sit still, you fool

[Mortimer Durham corns in He is a stoutish biggish man
of about forty , with a red face and an irascible manner At the
moment he ts a prey to violent emotion Bentley goes out ]

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE I39

Hulloa, Mortimer What are you doing in these parts at
this hour? Why on earth did you send up a card^

[He stops and looks around
Marie-Louise What is the matter, Mortimer^

Mortimer [To Constance, with difficulty restraining his
fury ] I thought you might like to know that your
husband is my wife's lover
Marie-Louise Morty!

Constance [Keeping a firm hand on Marie-Louise and very
coolly to Mortimer ] OfcP What makes you think that ?
Mortimer [Taking a gold cigarette-case out of his pocket ] Do
you recognize this? I found it under my wife's pillow
last night

Constance Oh, I am relieved I couldn’t make out where
I’d left it [Taking it from him ] Thank you so much
Mortimer [Angrily ] It’s not yours
Constance Indeed it is I was sitting on Marie-Louise’s
bed and I must have slipped it under the pillow without
thinking

Mortimer It has John’s initials on it
Constance I know It was presented to him by a grateful
patient and I thought it much too nice for him, so I just
took it

Mortimer What sort of fool do you take me for, Constance?
Constance My dear Morty, why should I say it was my
cigarette-case if it wasn’t^

Mortimer They had dinner together
Constance My poor Morty, I know that You were going
to a City banquet or something, and Marie-Louise rang
up and asked if she might come and take pot-luck witn us
Mortimer Do you mean to say she dined here?

Constance Isn’t that what she told vou^

Mortimer Yes

140 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT II

Constance It’s quite easy to prove If you won't take my
word for it we can ring for the butler, and you can ask
httn yourself Ring the bell, John, will you?

Mortimer [Uneasily ] No, don’t do that If you give me
your word, of course I must take it

Constance That’s very land of you I’m grateful to you
for not exposing me to the humiliation of making my
butler corroborate my statement

Mortimer If Mane-Louise was dining here why were you
sittingonher bed?

Constance John had to go out and do an operation, and
Mane-Louise wanted to show me the things she’d got
from Pans, so I walked round to your house It was a
lovely night You remember that, don’t you?

Mortimer Damn it, I’ve got more important things to do
than look at the night

Constance We tried them all on and then we were rather
tired, so Marie-Louise got into bed and I sat down and
we talked

Mortimer If you were tired why didn’t you go home and
go to bed

Constance John had promised to come round and fetch
me

Mortimer And did he? At what time did he come?

John I couldn’t manage it The operation took much
longer than I expected It was one of those cases where
when you once start cutting you really don’t know
where to stop You know the sort of thing, don’t you,
Mortimer?

Mortimer No, I don’t How the devil should I?

Constance All that is neither here nor there This is a
terrible accusation you’ve made against John and Mane-
Louise and I’m very much upset But I will remain

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE 141

perfectly calm till I’ve heard everything Now let me
have your proofs

Mortimer My proofs^ What d’you mean^ The cigarette-
case When I found the cigarette-case I naturally put two
and two together

Constance [With her eyes flashing ] I quite understand, but
why did you make them five^

Mortimer [Emphatically, tn order not to show that he is
wavering ] It isn’t possible that I should have made a
mistake

Constance Even the richest of us may err I remember
when Mr Pierpont Morgan died, he was found to own
seven million dollars of worthless secunties

Mortimer [ Uneasily ] You don’t know what a shock it
was, Constance I had the most implicit confidence in
Marie-Louise I was knocked endways I’ve been
brooding over it ever since till I was afraid I should go
mad

Constance And do you mean to say that you’ve come here
and made a fearful scene just because you found my
cigarette-case in Mane-Louise’s roonP I can’t believe it
You’re a man of the world and a business man You’re
extremely intelligent Surely you have something to go
upon You must be holding something back Don’t be
afraid of hurting my feelings You’ve said so much now
that I must insist on your saying everything I want the
truth and the whole truth

[There is a pause Mortimer looks from Maree-
Louise, who is quietly weeping, to Constance, with
the utmost bewilderment

Mortimer I’m afraid I’ve made a damned fool of myself

Constance I’m afraid you have

Mortimer I’m awfully sorry, Constance I beg your
pardon

ACT II

142 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Oh, don't bother about me You've exposed
me to the most bitter humiliation You've sown seeds of
distrust between me and John which can never be

[She looks for a word

Mrs Culver [Supplying it] Fertilized

Constance [Ignoring it] Upiooted But I don’t matter
It's Marie-Louise’s pardon you must beg

Mortimer [Humbly] Marie-Louise

Marie-Louise Don’t touch me Don’t come near me

Mortimer [To Constance, miserably] You know what
jealousy is

Constance Certainly not I think it's a most ugly and
despicable vice

Mortimer [To M irie-Louise ] Mane-Louise, I’m sorry
Won’t you forgive me^

Marie-Louise You’ve insulted me before all my friends
You know how devotedly I love Constance You might
have accused me of having an affair with anyone else —
but not John

Constance Not her greatest friend’s husband The
milkman or the dustman if you like, but not her greatest
friend’s husband

Mortimer I’ve been a perfect swine I don’t know what
came over me I really wasn’t responsible for my
actions

Marie-Louise I’ve loved you all these years No one has
ever loved you as I’ve loved you Oh, it's cruel, cruel

Mortimer Come away, darling I can’t say here what I
want to say

Marie-Louise No, no, no

Constance [Putting her hand on his arm , gently ] I think
you'd better leave her here for a little while, Morty I’ll
talk to her when you’ve gone She’s naturally upset A
sensitive little thing like that

ACT n

THE CONSTANT WIFE

143

Mortimer We’re dining with the Vancouvers at 8 1 5

Constance For eighty-thirty I promise I’ll send her home
in good time to dress

Mortimer She’ll give me another chance^

Constance Yes, yes

Mortimer I’d do anything in the world for her [Con-
stance puts her fingers to her lips and then points significantly
to the pearl chain she is wearing For a second Mortimer does
not understand , but as soon as her notion dawns on him he gives a
pleased nod] You’re the cleverest woman in the world
[As he goes out he stops and holds out his hand to John ] Will
you shake hands with me, old man? I made a mistake and
I’m man enough to acknowledge it

John [Very cordially] Not at all, old boy I quite agree that
it did look fishy, the cigarette-case If I’d dreamt that
Constance was going to leave an expensive thing like
that lying about all over the place, I’m hanged if I’d have
let hef pinch it

Mortimer You don’t know what a weight it is off my mind
I felt a hundred when I came here, and now I feel like a
two-year-old

[He goes out The moment the door is closed behind him
there is a general change in every attitude The
tension disappears and there is a feeling of relief

John Constance, you’re a brick I shall never forget this
Never, so long as I live And by George, what presence
of mind you showed I went hot and cold all over, and
you never batted an eye-lash

Constance By the way, here is your cigarette-case You’d
better have a ring made and hang it on your key-chain

John No, no Keep it I’m too old to take these risks*

Constance By the way, did anyone see you go into
Morty’s house last night?

144 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT II

John No, we let ourselves in with Marie-Louise's latch
key

Constance That's all right then If Mortimer asks the
servants they can tell him nothing I had to take that
chance

Marie-Louise [With a little gesture of ashamed dismay ] Oh,
Constance, what must you think of me?

Constance P Exactly the same as I thought before I
think you're sweet, Marie-Louise

Marie-Louise You have every right to be angry with me

Constance Perhaps, but not the inclination

Marie-Louise Oh, it’s not true I've treated you shame-
fully You've made me feel such a pig And you had
your chance to get back on me and you didn't take it
I'm so ashamed

Constance [Amused] Because you've been having an
affair with John, or because you've been found ouP

Marie-Louise Oh, Constance, don't be heartless Say
anything you like, curse me, stamp on me, but don't
smile at me I'm in a terrible position

Constance And you want me to make a scene I know and
I sympathize [ Very calmly ] Bu t the fact is that Mortimer
told me nothing I didn't know before

Marie-Louise [Aghast ] Do you mean to say that you've
known all along^

Constance All along, darling I've been spending the last
six months in a desperate effort to prevent my friends and
relations from telling me your ghastly secret It's been
very difficult sometimes Often mother's profound under-
standing of life, Martha's passion for truth at any price,
and Barbara's silent sympathy, have almost worn me
down But until to-day the t's were not definitely crossed
nor the l's distinctly dotted, and I was able to ignore the

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE 145

facts that were staring at me — rather rudely, I must say —
in the face

Marie-Louise But why, why 5 It’s not human Why
didn’t you do anything 5

Constance That, darling, is my affair

Marie-Louise [Thinking she understands ] Oh, I see

Constance [Rather tartly ] No, you don’t I have always
been absolutely faithful to John I have not winked at
your intrigue in order to cover my own

Marie-Louise [Beginning to he a little put out] I almost think
you’ve been laughing at me up your sleeve all the time

Constance [Good-humouredly ] Oh, my dear, you mustn’t be
offended just because I’ve taken away from you the
satisfaction of thinking that you have been deceiving me
all these months I should hate you to think me capable
of an intentional meanness

Marie-Louise My head’s gomg round and round

Constance Such a pretty head, too Why don’t you go
and lie down 5 You want to look your best if you’re
dining with the Vancouvers

Marie-Louise I wonder where Mortimer is 5

Constance You know that pearl necklace you showed me
the other day and you said that Mortimer thought it cost
a lot of money — well, he’s gone to Cartier’s to buy it for
you

Marie-Louise [ Excitedly ] Oh, Constance, do you think he
has 5

Constance I think all men are bom with the knowledge
that when they have wounded a woman’s soul — and our
souls are easily wounded — the only cure is a trifling, but
expensive jewel

Marie-Louise Do you think he’ll have the sense to bring it
home with him so that I can wear it to-night?

ACT II

146 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Oh, my dear, don’t be such a fool as to accept it
with alacrity Remember that Mortimer has grievously
insulted you, he’s made the most shocking accusation
that a man can make against his wife, he’s trampled on
your love and now he’s destroyed your trust in him

Marie-Louise Oh, how right you are, Constance

Constance Surely I need not tell you what to do Refuse
to speak to him, but never let him get a word of defence
in edgeways Cry enough to make him feel what a brute
he is, but not enough to make your eyes swell Say
you’ll leave him and run sobbing to the door, but take
care to let him stop you before you open it Repeat
yourself Say the same thing over and over again — it
wears them down — and if he answers you take no notice,
but just say it again And at last when you’ve reduced
him to desperation, when his head is aching as though it
would split, when he’s sweating at every pore, when he’s
harassed and miserable and haggard and broken — then
consent as an unmerited favour, as a sign of your
forgiving temper and the sweetness of your nature, to
accept, no, don’t consent, deign to accept the pearl
necklace for which the wretch has just paid ten thousand
pounds

Marie-Louise [With peculiar satisfaction ] Twelve, darling

Constance And don’t thank him That wouldn’t be
playing the game Let him thank you for the favour you
do him in allowing him to make you a paltry gift Have
you got your car here?

Marie-Louise No, I was in such a state when I came I took
a taxi

Constance John, do take Marie-Louise down and put her
in a taxi

John All nght

Marie-Louise* No, not John I couldn’t After all, I have
some delicacy

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE 147

Constance Oh, have yoiP Well, let Bernard go

Bernard I shall be pleased.

Constance [To Bernard ] But come back, won’t you*

Bernard Certainly.

Marie-Louise [Kissing Constance ] This has been a lesson
to me, darling I’m not a fool, Constance I can learn

Constance At least prudence, I hope

[Marie-Louise ^.r out followed by Bernard
Kersal

John How did you guess that Marie-Louise had said she
was dining here^

Constance She’s too crafty a woman to invent a new he
when an old one will serve

John It would have been awkward if Mortimer had
insisted on asking Bentley if it was true

Constance I knew he wouldn’t dare It’s only if a man’s a
gentleman that he won’t hesitate to do an ungentlemanly
thing Mortimer is on the boundary line and it makes
him careful

Martha [Significantly ] Don’t you imagine your patients
are growing a tnfie restless, John?

John I like to keep them waiting They grow more and
more nervous as the minutes pass and when I recommend
an operation that will cost them two hundred and fifty
pounds they are too shaken to protest

Martha [Pursing her lips ] I can’t imagine you’ll very much
like to hear what I’m determined to say to Constance

John It’s because I shrewedly suspect that you have some
very unpleasant things to say about me that I am pre-
pared reluctantly to neglect the call of duty and listen to
you with my own ears.

Constance She’s been exercising miracles of restraint for

148 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT II

the last three months, John I think she has a right to let
herself go now

John If she’s suffering from suppressed desires she’s come
to the wrong establishment She ought to go to a
psycho-analyst

Martha I’ve only got one thing to say, John, and I’m
perfectly willing that you should hear it [To Con-
stance] I don’t know what your reasons were for
shielding that abominable woman I can only sup-
pose you wanted to avoid more scandal than was
necessary

Mrs Culver [Interrupting ] Before you go any further, mj
dear, you must let me put my word in [To Constance ]
My dear child, I beg you not to decide anything in a
hurry We must all think things over First of all you
must listen to what John has to say for himself

Martha What can he have to say for himself?

Constance [Ironically ] What indeed 5

John Not the right thing anyway I’ve seen too much of
married life

Constance [. Interrupting , with a smile ] Let us be just Other
people’s rather than your own

John [Going on ] To imagine that even the Archangel
Gabriel could say the right thing

Constance I’ve no reason, however, to suppose that the
Archangel Gabriel could ever find himself in such a
predicament

John I’m for it and I’m prepared to take what’s coming
to me

Constance [To the world tn general ] No man could say
handsomer than that

John I’m expecting you to make a scene, Constance It’s
your right and your privilege I’m willing to bear it
Give me hell I deserve it Drag me up and down the

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE 149

room by the hair of the head Kick me in the face
Stamp on me I’ll grovel I’ll eat the dust My name
is mud Mud

Constance My poor John, what is there to make a scene
about?

John I know how badly I’ve treated you I had a wife
who was good, loving and faithful, devoted to my
interests, a perfect mother and an excellent housekeeper
A woman ten times too good for me If I’d had the
smallest spark of decency I couldn’t have treated you
like this I haven’t a word to say for myself

Martha [ Interrupting him ] You’ve humiliated her to all
her friends

John I’ve behaved neither like a gentleman nor a
sportsman

Martha Your conduct is inexcusable

John I haven’t a leg to stand on

Martha Even if you didn’t love her, you might have
treated her with respect

John I’ve been as heartless as a crocodile and as un-
scrupulous as a typhoid bacillus

Constance Between you, of course, you’re leaving me very
little to say

Martha There is nothing to say You’re quite right This
is the sort of occasion when it’s beneath a woman’s
dignity to make a scene It just shows how little John
knows women to think that you could demean yourself
to vulgar abuse [To John ] I suppose you’ll have the
decency to put no obstacle m the way of Constance’s
getting her freedom

Mrs Culver Oh, Constance, you’re not going to divorce
him?

Martha Mother, you’re so weak How can she go on
living with a man for whom she has no respect? What

150 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT II

would her life be with this creature whom she can only
mistrust and despise^ Besides, you have to think of
their child How can Constance allow her daughter to
be contaminated by the society of a person of this
character*

Constance John has always been an excellent father Let
us give the devil his due

Mrs Culver Don't be too hard, darling I can understand
that at the moment you feel bitter, but it would be very
sad if you let your bitterness warp your judgment

Constance I don't feel in the least bitter I wish I looked
as sweet as I feel

Mrs Culver You can't deceive a mother, my dear I know
the angry resentment that you feel Under the unfor-
tunate circumstances it's only too natural

Constance When I look into my heart I can't find a trace
of resentment, except perhaps for John's being so stupid
as to let himself be found out

John Let me say this in justification for myself, Constance
I did my little best to prevent it Angels could do no
more

Constance And angels presumably have not the pernicious
habit of smoking straight-cut cigarettes

John When you once get the taste for them, you prefer
them to gippies

Mrs Culver Don't be cynical, darling That is the worst
way to ease an aching heart Come to your mother's
arms, my dear, and let us have a good cry together.
And then you'll feel better

Constance It's sweet of you, mother, but honestly I
couldn't squeeze a tear out of my eyes if my life depended
on it

Mrs Culver And don't be too hard Of course John is to
blame I admit that He's been very, very naughty But

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE IJI

men are weak and women are so unscrupulous I’m sure
he’s sorry for all the pain he’s caused you

Martha What puzzles me is that you didn’t do something
the moment you discovered that John was having an
affair

Constance To tell you the truth, I thought it no business
of mine

Martha [Indignantly ] Aren’t you his wife^

Constance J ohn and I are very lucky people Our marriage
has been ideal

Martha How can you say thaP

Constance For five years we adored each other That’s
much longer than most people do Our honeymoon
lasted five years and then we had a most extraordinary
stroke of luck we ceased to be in love with one another
simultaneously

John I protest, Constance I’ve never ceased to be abso-
lutely devoted to you

Constance I never said you had, darling I’m convinced
of it I’ve never ceased to be devoted to you We’ve
shared one another’s interests, we’ve loved to be to-
gether, I’ve exulted in your success and you’ve trembled
in my illness We’ve laughed at the same jokes and
sighed over the same worries I don’t know any couple
that’s been bound together by a more genuine affection
But honestly, for the last ten years have you been in
love with me?

John You can’t expect a man who’s been married for
fifteen years

Constance My dear, I’m not asking for excuses I’m only
asking for a plain answer.

John In the long run I enjoy your society much more than
anybody else’s There’s no one I like so much as you

15 1 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT tl

You’re the prettiest woman I’ve ever known and I shall
say the same when you’re a hundred
Constance But does your heart leap into your mouth when
you hear my footstep on the stairs, and when I come
into the room, is your first impulse to catch me in your
manly arms 7 I haven’t noticed it
John I don’t want to make a fool of myself
Constance Then I think you’ve answered my question
You’re no more in love with me than I am with you
John You never said a word of this before
Constance I think most married couples tell one another
far too much There are some things that two people
may know very well, but which it’s much more tactful
for them to pretend they don’t
John How did you find out 7

Constance I’ll tell you One night as we were dancing
together, all at once I noticed that we weren’t keeping
such good step as we generally did It was because my
mind was wandering I was thinking how it would suit
me to do my hair like a woman who was dancing along-
side of us Then I looked at you and I saw you were
thinking what pretty legs she’d got I suddenly realized
that you weren’t in love with me any more and at the
same moment I realized that it was a relief, because i
wasn’t m love with you

John I must say it never occurred to me for a moment
Constance I know A man thinks it quite natural that he
should fall out of love with a woman, but it never strikes
him for a moment that a woman can do anything so
unnatural as to fall out of love with him Don’t be upset
at that, darling, that is one of the charming limitations
of your sex

Martha Do you mean mother and me to understand that
since then John has been having one affair after another
and you haven’t turned a hair 7

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE IJ3

Constance Since this is the first time he’s been found out,
let us give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that
till now he has never strayed from the strict and narrow
path You’re not angry with me, Johm*

John No, darling, not angry But lama little taken aback
I think you’ve been making rather a damned fool of me
It never struck me that your feelings for me had changed
so much You can’t expect me to like it

Constance Oh, come now, you must be reasonable You
surely wouldn’t wish me to have languished for all these
years in a hopeless passion for you when you had nothing
to give me in return but friendship and affection Think
what a bore it is to have someone in love with you whom
you’re not in love with

John I can’t conceive of your ever being a bore, Constance

Constance f Kissing her hand to him ] Don’t you realize that
we must thank our lucky stars^ We are the favoured of
the gods I shall never forget those five years of exquisite
happiness you gave me when I loved you, and I shall
never cease to be gratefu] to you, not because you loved
me, but because you inspired me with love Our love
never degenerated into weariness Because we ceased
loving one another at the very same moment we never
had to put up with quarrels and reproaches, recrimina-
tions and all the other paraphernalia of a passion that
has ceased on one side and is still alive and eager on the
other Our love was like a cross-word puzzle m which
we both hit upon the last word at the same moment
That is why our lives since have been so happy, that
is why ours is a perfect marriage

Martha Do you mean to say that it meant nothing to you
when you found out that John was carrying on with
Mane-Louise^

Constance Human nature is very imperfect I’m afraid I
must admit that at the first moment I was vexed But

1

154 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT II

only at the first moment Then I reflected that it was
most unreasonable to be angry with John for giving to
another something that I had no use for That would
be too much like a dog in the manger And then I was
fond enough of John to be willing that he should be
happy in his own way And if he was going to indulge
in an intrigue isn’t that the proper phrase, Johrn*

John I have not yet made up my mind whether it really
is an indulgence

Constance Then it was much better that the object of his
affections should be so intimate a friend of mine that
I could keep a maternal eye on him

John Really, Constance

Constance Mane-Louise is very pretty so that my self-
esteem was not offended, and so rich that it was certain
John would have no reason to squander money on her
to the inconvenience of myself She’s not clever enough
to acquire any ascendancy over him, and so long as I
kept his heart I was quite willing that she should have
his senses If you wanted to deceive me, John, I couldn’t
have chosen anyone with whom I would more willingly
be deceived than Mane-Louise

John I don’t gather that you have been very grossly
deceived* darling You have such penetration that when
you look at me I feel as though I were shivering without
a stitch of clo t hing on

Mrs Culver I don’t approve of your attitude, Constance
In my day when a young wife discovered that her
husband had been deceiving her, she burst into a flood
of tears and went to stay with her mother for three weeks,
not returning to her husband till he had been brought
to a proper state of abjection and repentance

Martha Are we to undertsand, then, that you are not
going to divorce John?

ACT II

THE CONSTANT WIFE

155

Constance You know, I can never see why a woman
should give up a comfortable home, a considerable part
of her income and the advantage of having a man about
to do all the tiresome and disagreeable things for her,
because he has been unfaithful to her She’s merely
cutting off her nose to spite her face

Martha I am at a loss for words I cannot conceive how a
woman of any spirit can sit down and allow her husband
to make a perfect damned fool of her

Constance You’ve been very stupid, my poor John In
the ordinary affairs of life stupidity is much more tire-
some than wickedness You can mend the vicious,
but what in Heaven’s name are you to do with the
foolish^

John I’ve been a fool, Constance I know it, but I’m
capable of learning by experience, so I can’t be a damned
fool

Constance You mean that in the future you’ll be more
careful to cover your tracks^

Mrs Culver Oh, no, Constance, he means that this has
been a lesson to him, and that in the future you’ll have
no cause for complaint

Constance I’ve always been given to understand that men
only abandon their vices when advancing years have
made them a burden rather than a pleasure John, I’m
happy to say, is still in the flower of his age I suppose
you give yourself another fifteen years, John, don’t you^

John Really, Constance, I don’t know what you mean
The things you say sometimes are positively embarrass-
ing

Constance I think at all events we may take it thar Mane-
Louise will have more than one successor

John Constance, I give you my word of honour • . •

ACT II

156 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance [Interrupting] That is the only gift you can
make for which I can find no use You see, so long as
I was able to pretend a blissful ignorance of your
goings-on we could all be perfectly happy You were
enjoying yourself and I received a lot of sympathy as
the outraged wife But now I do see that the position
is very difficult You have put me in a position that is
neither elegant nor dignified
John Fm awfully sorry, Constance
Martha You’re going to leave him? *

Constance No, I’m not going to leave him Joht^ /ou
remember that Barbara offered to take me into her
business ? I refused Well, I’ve changed my mind and
I’m going to accept
John But why^ I don’t see your point
Constance I’m not prepaied any more to be entirely
dependent upon you, John

John But, my dear, every thing I earn is at your disposal
It’s a pleasure for me to provide for your wants Heaven
knows, they’re not very great
Constance I know Come, John, I’ve been very reason-
able, haven’t P Don’t try and thwart me when I want
to do something on which I’ve set my heart

[There is an mstanfs pause
John I don’t understand But if you put it like that, I
haven’t a word to say Of course, you must do exactly
as you wish

Constance That’s a dear Now go back to your patients
or else I shall have to keep you as well as myself
John Will you give me a kiss^

Constance Why noP

John [Kissing her ] It’s peace between us^

Constance Peace and good-will [John goes out ] He is
rather sweet, isn’t he^

ACT II

THE CONSTANT WIFE

157

Mrs Culver What have you got on your mind, Constance^ 5

Constance I, mother* 5 ]T easing her ] What do you suspect^

Mrs Culver I don’t like the look of you

Constance I’m sorry for that Most people find me far
from plain

Mrs Culver You’ve got some deviltry in mind, but for
the life of me I can’t guess it

Martha I can’t see what you expect to get out of working
with Barbara

Constance Between a thousand and fifteen hundred a year,
I believe

Martha I wasn’t thinking of the money, and you know it

Constance I’m tired of being the modern wife

Martha What do you mean by the modern wife^

Constance A prostitute who doesn’t deliver the goods

Mrs Culver My dear, what would your father say if he
heard you say such things ^

Constance Darling, need we conjecture the remarks of a
gentleman who’s been dead for five and twenty years p
Had he any gift for repartee^

Mrs Culver None whatever He was good, but he was
stupid That is why the gods loved him and he died
young

[Bernard Kersal opens the door and looks in

Bernard May I come in?

Constance Oh, there you are I wondered what had
become of you

Bernard When Mane-Louise saw my car at the dooi
she asked me to drive her I couldn’t very well
refuse

Constance So you took her home

ACT II

158 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Bernard No, she said she was in such a state she must
have her hair washed I drove her to a place in Bond
Street

Constance And what did she say to you*

Bernard She said, I don’t know what you must think
of me

Constance That is what most women say to a man when
his opinion doesn’t matter two straws to them And
what did you answer*

Bernard Well, I said, I prefer not to offer an opinion on
a matter which is no business of mine

Constance Dear Bernard, one of the things I like most in
you is that you always remain so perfectly in character
If the heavens fell you would still remain the perfect
English gentleman

Bernard I thought it the most tactful thing to say

Constance Well, mother, I won’t detain you any longer
I know that you and Martha have a thousand things
to do

Mrs Culver I’m glad you reminded me Come, Martha
Good-bye, darling Good-bye, Mr Kersal

Bernard Good-bye

Constance [To Martha ] Good-bye, dear Thank you for
all your sympathy You’ve been a great help in my
hour of need

Martha I don’t understand and it’s no good saying I do

Constance Bless you [Mrs Culver and Martha go out
Bernard closes the door after them ] Shall we be very
late*

Bernard So late that it doesn’t matter if we’re a little later
I have something important to say to you *

Constance [T easing hm a little ] Important to me or
important to you*

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE I59

Bernard I can’t tell you how distressed I was at that
terrible scene

Constance Oh, didn’t you think it had its lighter moments 5
Bernard It’s only this afternoon I learned the truth, and
then I never imagined for a moment that you knew it,
too I can’t tell you how brave I think it of you to have
borne all this torture with a smiling face If I admired
you before, I admire you ten times more now
Constance You’re very sweet, Bernard
Bernard My heart bleeds when I think of what you’ve
gone through

Constance It’s not a very good plan to take other people’s
misfortunes too much to heart
Bernard Hardly an hour ago I told you that if ever you
wanted me I was only too anxious to do anything in
the world for you I little thought then that the time
would come so soon There’s no reason now why I
shouldn’t tell you of the love that consumes me Oh,
Constance, come to me You know that if things were
as I thought they were between you and John nothing
would have induced me to say a word But now he has
no longer any claims on you He doesn’t love you Why
should you go on wasting your life with a man who
is capable of exposing you to all this humiliation 5 You
know how long and tenderly I’ve loved you You can
trust yourself to me I’ll give my whole life to making
you forget the anguish you’ve endured Will you marry
me, Constance 5

Constance My dear, John may have behaved very badly,
but he’s still my husband

Bernard^ Only in name You’ve done everything in your
power to save a scandal and now if you ask him to let
himself be divorced he’s bound to consent
Constance Do you really think John has behaved so very
badly to me?

ACT II

l6o THE CONSTANT WIFE

Bernard [Asfomshed] You don’t mean to say that vou
have any doubts in your mind about his relationsnip
with Marie-Louise 5
Constance None

Bernard Then what in God’s name do you meam*
Constance My dear Bernard, have you ever considered
what marriage is among well-to-do people^ In the
working classes a woman cooks her husband’s dinner,
washes for him and darns his socks She looks after the
children and makes their clothes She gives good value
for the money she costs But what is a wife in our class^
Her house is managed by servants, nurses look after
her children, if she has resigned herself to having any,
and as soon as they are old enough she packs them off
to school Let us face it, she is no more than the mistress
of a man of whose desire she has taken advantage to
insist on a legal ceremony that will prevent him from
discarding her when his desire has ceased
Bernard She’s also his companion and his helpmate
Constance My dear, any sensible man would sooner play
bridge at his club than with his wife, and he’d always
rather play golf with a man than with a woman A paid
secretary is a far better helpmate than a loving spouse
When all is said and done, the modern wife is nothing
but a parasite

Bernard I don’t agree with you

Constance You see, my poor friend, you are in love and
your judgment is confused
Bernard I don’t understand what you mean
Constance John gives me board and lodging, money for
my clothes and my amusements, a car to drive in and a
certain position in the world He’s bound to do all that
because fifteen years ago he was madly in love with me,
and he undertook it, though, if you’d asked him, he
would certainly have acknowledged that nothing is so

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE l6l

fleeting as that particular form of madness called love
It was either verv generous of him or very imprudent
Don’t you think it would be rather shabby of me to
take advantage now of his generosity or his want of
foresight?

Bernard In what way?

Constance He paid a very high price for something that
he couldn’t get cheaper He no longer wants that Why
should I resent it? I know as well as anybody else that
desire is fleeting It comes and goes and no man can
understand why The only thing that’s certain is that
when it’s gone it’s gone forever So long as John con-
tinues to provide for me what right have I to complain
that he is unfaithful to me? He bought a toy, and if he
no longer wants to play with it, why should he? He
paid for it

Bernard That might be all tight if a man had only to think
about himself What about the woman?

Constance I don’t think you need waste too much sym-
pathy on her Like ninety-nine girls out of a hundred,
when I married I looked upon it as the only easy,
honourable and lucrative calling open to me When the
average woman who has been married for fifteen years
discovers her husband’s infidelity it is not her heart that
is wounded but her vanity If she had any sense, she
would regard it merely as one of the necessary incon-
veniences of an otherwise pleasant profession

Bernard Then the long and short of it is that you don’t
love me

Constance You think that my principles are all moon-
shine?

Bernard I don’t think they would have much influence if
you were as crazy about me as I am about you Do
you still love John?

ACT n

1 6z THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Fm very fond of him, he makes me laugh, and
we get on together like a house on fire, but I’m not
in love with him

Bernard And is that enough for you? Isn’t the future
sometimes a tnfie desolate? Don’t you want love?

[A pause She gives him a long reflective look

Constance [Charmingly ] If I did I should come to you for
it, Bernard

Bernard Constance, what do you mean? Is it possible that
you could ever care for me? Oh, my darling, I worship
the ground you tread on

[He seizes her in his arms and kisses her passionately

Constance [Releasing herself] Oh, my dear, don’t be so
sudden I should despise myself entirely if I were un-
faithful to John so long as I am entirely dependent on
him

Bernard But if you love me?

Constance I never said I did But even if I did, so long as
John provides me with all the necessities of existence I
wouldn’t be unfaithful It all comes down to the
economic situation He has bought my fidelity and I
should be worse than a harlot if I took the price he paid
and did not deliver the goods

Bernard Do you mean to say there’s no hope for me at
all?

Constance* The only hope before you at the moment is
to start for Ranelagh before the game is over

Bernard Do you still want to go?

Constance. Yes

Bernard Very well [With a burst of passion ] I love you

Constance Then go down and start up the car, put a spot
of oil in the radiator or something, and I’ll join you in
a minute I want to telephone.

ACT II THE CONSTANT WIFE 163

Bernard Very well

[He goes out Constance takes up the telephone
Constance Mayfair 2646 Barbara? It’s Constance
That offer you made me a fortnight ago — is it still open^
Well, I want to accept it No, no, nothing has
happened John is very well He’s always sweet, you
know It’s only that I want to earn my own living
When can I start^ The sooner the better

end of the second act

THE THIRD ACT

The scene is stiU the same A year has passed It is afternoon

Constance is seated at a desk writing letters The Butler
shows m Barbara Fawcett and Martha

BENTLtf Mrs Fawcett and Miss Culver

Constance OhI Sit down. I’m just finishing a note

Barbara We met on the doorstep

Martha I thought Fd just look round and see if there was
any thing I could do to help you before you start

Constance That’s very nice of you, Martha I really don’t
t hink there is Fm packed and ready, and for once 1
don’t believe I’ve forgotten one of the things I shan’t
want

Barbara I felt I must run in to say good-bye to you

Constance Now, my dear, you mustn’t neglect your work
the moment my back is turned

Barbara Well, it’s partly the work that’s brought me An
order has just come in for a new house and they want
an Italian room

Constance I don’t like that look in your beady eye,
Barbara

Barbara Well, it struck me that as you’re going to Italy
you might go round the shops and buy any nice pieces
that you can find

Constance Perish the thought I’ve worked like a dog
*or a year and last night at six o’clock I downed tools
i stripped ofl my grimy overalls, wrung the sweat from
164

ACT m THE CONSTANT WIFE 1 65

my honest brow and scrubbed my horny hands You
said I could take six weeks’ holiday

Barbara I admit that you’ve thoroughly earned it

Constance When I closed the shop-door behind me, I
ceased to be a British working-man and resumed the
position of a perfect English lady

Martha I never saw you in such spirits

Constance Something accomplished, something done But
what I was comm g to was this for the next six weeks
I refuse to give a moment’s thought to bath-rooms or
wall-papers, kitchen sinks, scullery floors, curtains,
cushions and refrigerators

Barbara I wasn’t asking you to I only wanted y on to get
some of that painted Italian furniture and a few mirrors

Constance No, I’ve worked hard and I’ve enjoyed my
work, and now I’m going to enjoy a perfect holiday

Barbara Oh, well, have it your own way

Martha Constance dear, I think there’s something you
ought to know

Constance I should have thought you had discovered by
now that I generally know the things I ought to know

Martha You’ll never guess whom I saw in Bond Street
this morning

Constance Yes, I shall Mane-Louise

Martha Oh!

Constance I’m sorry to disappoint you, darling She rang
me up an hour ago

Martha But I thought she wasn’t coming back for another
month She was going to stay away a year

Constance She arrived last night and I’m expecting her
every minute.

Martha Here?

ACT III

1 66 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Yes She said she simply must run m and see
me before I left

Martha I wonder what she wants

Constance Perhaps to pass the time of day I think it's
rather sweet of her, considering how busy she must be
on getting back after so long

Barbara She’s been all over the place, hasn’t she^

Constance Yes, she’s been in Malaya, Mortimer has inter-
ests there, you know, and in China, and now they’ve
just come from India

Martha I often wondered if it was at your suggestion that
they set off on that long tour immediately after that
unfortunate scene

Constance Which, you must confess, no one enjoyed more
than you, darling

Barbara It was certainly the most sensible thing they
could do

Martha Of course you know your own business best,
darling, but don’t you think it’s a little unfortunate that
you should be going away for six weeks just as she
comes back^

Constance We working-women have to take our holidays
when we can

Barbara Surely John has had his lesson He’s not going
to make a fool of himself a second time

Martha Do you think he has really got over his infatuation,
Constance^

Constance I don’t know at all But here he is, you’d better
ask him

[As she says these words , John enters

John Ask him what?

Martha [Not at all at a loss ] I was just wondering what
you’d do with yourself during Constance’s absence*

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE l 6 j

J5hn I’ve got a lot of work, you know, and I shall go
to the dub a good deal

Martha It seems a pity that you weren’t able to arrange
things so that you and Constance should take your
holidays together

Barbara Don’t blame me for that I was quite willing to
make my arrangements to suit Constance

Constance You see, I wanted to go to Italy and the only
places John likes on the Continent are those in which
it’s only by an effort of the imagination that you can
tell you’re not in England

Martha What about Helen*

Constance We’ve taken a house at Henley for August
John can play golf and go on the nver, and I shall be
able to come up to town every day to look after the
business

Barbara Well, dear. I’ll leave you I hope you’ll have a
wonderful holiday You’ve deserved it Do you know,
I think I’m a very dever woman, John, to have
persuaded Constance to work She’s been absolutdy
invaluable to me

John I never liked the idea and I’m not going to say I did

Barbara Haven’t you forgiven me yeP

John She insisted on it and I had to make the best of a
bad job

Barbara Good-bye

Constance [Kissing her ] Good-bye, dear Take care of
yourself

Martha I’ll come with you, Barbara Mother said she'd
look in for a minute to say good-bye to you

Constance Oh, all right Good-bye

[She kisses the two and accompanies them to the door*
They go out

ACT III

168 THE CONSTANT WIFE

John I say, Constance, I thought you had to go now
because Barbara couldn’t possibly get away.

Constance Did I say that?

John Certainly,

Constance Oh!

John If I’d dreamt that you could just as easily take your
holiday when I take mine

Constance [Interrupting] Don’t you think it’s a mistake
for husbands and wives to take their holidays together*
The only reason one takes a holiday is for rest and
change and recreation Do you think a man really gets
that when he goes away with his wife^

John It depends on the wife

Constance I know nothing more depressing than the sight
of all those couples in a hotel dining-room, one little
couple to one little table, sitting opposite to one another
without a word to say

John Oh, nonsense You often see couples who are very
jolly and cheerful

Constance Yes, I know, but look closely at the lady’s
wedding-ring and you’ll see that it rests uneasily on the
hand it adorns

John We always get on like a house on fire and when I
slipped a wedding-ring on your finger a bishop super-
vised the process You’re not going to tell me that I
bore you

Constance On the contrary, you tickle me to death It’s
that unhappy modesty of mine I was afiaid that you
could have too.much of my society I thought it would
refresh you if I left you to your own devices for a few
weeks

John If you go on pulling my leg so persistently I shall
be permanently deformed

ACT m THE CONSTANT WIFE 1 69

Constance Anyhow, it’s too late now My bags are packed,
my farewells made, and nothing bores people so much
as to see you to-morrow when they’ve made up their
minds to get on without you for a month

John H’m Eyewash Look here, Constance, there’s
something I want to say to you

Constance Yes*

John Do you know that Mane-Louise has come back*

Constance Yes She said she’d try and look in to say how
do you do before I started It’ll be nice to see her again
after so long

John I want you to do something for me, Constance

Constance What is it?

John Well, you’ve been a perfect brick to me, and hang
it all, I can’t take advantage of your good nature I must
do the square thing

Constance I’m afraid I don’t quite understand

John I haven’t seen Mane-Louise since that day when
Mortimer came here and made such a fool of himself
She’s been away for nearly a year and taking all things
into consideration I think it would be a mistake to
resume the relations that we were on then

Constance What makes you think she wishes to*

John The fact that she rang you up the moment she
arrived looks ominous to me

Constance Ominous* You know some women can’t see
a telephone without taking the receiver off and then,
when the operator says. Number, please, they have
to say something I dare say ours was the first that
occurred to Mane-Louise

John It’s no good blinking the fact that Mane-Louise was
madly in love with me,

Constance Well, we can neither of us blajne her for that

ACT III

170 THE CONSTANT WIFE

John I don’t want to be unkind, but after all, circumstances
have forced a break upon us and I think we had better
look upon it as permanent

Constance Of course you must please yourself

John I’m not thinking of myself, Constance Fm thinking
partly of course of Marie-Louise’s good, but, I confess,
chiefly of you I could never look you in the face again
if everything between Mane-Louise and me were not
definitely finished

Constance I should hate you to lose so harmless and
inexpensive a pleasure

John Of course it’ll be painful, but if one’s made up one’s
mind to do a thing I think it’s much better to do it
quickly

Constance I think you’re quite right I’ll tell you what
I’ll do, as soon as Mane-Louise comes I’ll make an
excuse and leave you alone with her

John That wasn’t exactly my idea

Constance Oh?

John It’s the kind of thing that a woman can do so much
better than a man It struck me that it would come
better from you than from me

Constance Oh, did tf?

John It’s a little awkward for me, but it would be quite
easy for you to say — well, you know the sort of thing,
that you have your self-respect to think of, and to cut
a long story short, she must either give me up or you’ll
raise hell

Constance But you know what a soft heart I have If she
bursts into tears and says she can’t live without you I
shall feel so sorry for her that I shall say. Well, damn
it all, keep him.

John You wouldn’t do me a dirty trick like that, Constance.

ACT m THE CONSTANT WIFE X7I

Constance You know that your happiness is my chief
interest in life

John [After a moment 9 s hesitation ] Constance, I will be
perfectly frank with you I’m fed up with Marie-Louise
Constance Darling, why didn’t you say that at once^
John Be a sport, Constance You know that’s not the
kind of thing one can say to a woman
Constance I admit it’s not the kind of thing she’s apt to
take very well

John Women are funny When they’re tired of you they
tell you so without a moment’s hesitation and if you
don’t like it you can lump it But if you’re tired of them
you’re a brute and a beast and boiling oil’s too good
for you

Constance Very well, leave it to me I’ll do it
John You’re a perfect brick But you’ll let her down
gently, won’t you^ I wouldn’t hurt her feelings for the
world She’s a nice little thing, Constance
Constance Sweet r

John And it’s hard luck on her
Constance Rotten

John Make her understand that I’m more sinned against
than sinning I don’t want her to think too badly of me
Constance Of course not
John But be quite sure it’s definite
Constance Leave it to me

John You’re a ripper, Constance By George, no man
could want a better wife

[The Butler introduces Marie-Louise
Butler Mrs Durham.

[The two women embrace warmly
Marie-Louise Darling, how perfectly divine to see you
again It’s too, too wonderful

ACT HI

172 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance My dear, how well you’re looking Are those
the new pearls?

Marie-Louise Aren’t they sweet? But Mortimer bought
me the most heavenly emeralds when we were in India
Oh, John, how are you?

John Oh, I’m all right, thanks

Marie-Louise Aren’t you a little fatter than when I saw
you last?

John Certainly not

Marie-Louise I’ve lost pounds [To Constance ] I’m so
glad I caught you I should have been so disappointed
to miss you [To John ] Where are you going?

John Nowhere Constance is going alone

Marie-Louise Is she? How perfectly divine I suppose you
can’t get away Are you making pots of moneys

John I get along Will you forgive me if I leave you? I’ve
got to be off

Marie-Louise Of course You’re always busy, aren’t you?

John Good-bye

Marie-Louise I hope we shall see something of you while
Constance is away

John Thank you very much

Marie-Louise Mortimer’s golf has improved He’d love
to play with you

John Oh, yes, I should love it

[He goes out

Marie-Louise* I did so hope to find you alone Constance,
I’ve got heaps and heaps to tell you Isn’t it tactful of
John to leave us? First of all I want to tell you how
splendidly everything has turned out* You know you
were quite right. I’m so glad I took your advice and
made Mortimer take me away for a year

Constance Mortimer is no fool*

ACT in THE CONSTANT WIFE I73

Marie-Louise Oh, no, for a man he’s really quite clever I
gave him hell, you know, for ever having suspected me,
and at last he was just eating out of my hand But I
could see he wasn’t quite sure of me You know what
men are — when they once get an idea in their heads it’s
dreadfully difficult for them to get it out again But the
journey was an inspiration, I was absolutely angelic all
the time, and he made a lot of money, so everything in
the garden was rosy

Constance I’m very glad

Marie-Louise I owe it all to you, Constance I made
Mortimer buy you a perfectly divine star sapphire in
Ceylon I told him he owed you some sort of reparation
for the insult he’d put upon you It cost a hundred and
twenty pounds, darling, and we’re taking it to Cartier’s
to have it set

Constance How thrilling

Marie-Louise You mustn’t think I’m ungrateful Now
listen, Constance, I want to tell you at once that you
needn’t distress yourself about me and John

Constance I never did

Marie-Louise I know I behaved like a little beast, but I
never thought you’d find out If I had, well, you know
me well enough to be positive that nothing would have
induced me to have anything to do with him.

Constance You’re very kind

Marie-Louise I want you to do something for me,
Constance Will you?

Constance I’m always eager to oblige a fnend

Marie-Louise Well, you know what John is Of course
he’s a dear and all that kind of thing, but the thing’s ovei
and it’s best that he should realize it at once

Constance Over?

ACT III

174 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Marie-Louise Of course I know he’s head over heels in
love with me still I saw that the moment I came into
the room One can’t blame him for that, can one^

Constance Men do find you fascinating

Marie-Louise But one has to think of oneself sometimes
in this world He must see that it could never be the
same after we discovered that you knew all about it

Constance I kept it from you as long as I could

Marie-Louise One couldn’t help feeling then that you were
rather making fools of us It seemed to take the romance
away, if you see what I mean

Constance Dimly

Marie-Louise You know, I wouldn’t hurt John’s feelings
for the world, but it’s no good beating about the bush
and I’m quite determined to have the thing finished and
done with before you go

Constance This is very sudden I’m afraid it’ll be an awful
shock to John

Marie-Louise I’ve quite made up my mind

Constance There isn’t much time for a very long and
moving scene, but I’ll see if John is in still Could you
manage it in ten minutes^

Marie-Louise Oh, but I can’t see him I want you to
tell him.

Constance Mel

Marie-Louise You know him so well, you know just the
sort of things to say to him It’s not very nice telling
a man who adores you that you don’t care for him in
that way any more It’s so much easier for a thir d party

Constance Do you really think so ?

Marie-Louise I’m positive of it You see, you can say that
for your sake I’ve made up my mind that from now on
we can be nothing but friends You’ve been so wondexy

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE 17$

fill to both of us, it would be dreadful if we didn’t play
the game now Say that I shall always think of him
tenderly and that he’s the only man I’ve ever really
loved, but that we must part
Constance But if he insists on seeing you^

Marie-Louise It’s no good, Constance, I can’t see him 1
shall only cry and get my eyes all bunged up You will
do it for me, darling Please
Constance I will

Marie-Louise I got the most divine evening frock in pale
green satin on my way through Pans, and it would look
too sweet on you Would you like me to give it to you?
I’ve only worn it once

Constance Now tell me the real reason why you’re so
determined to get nd of John without a moment’s delay
[Marie-Louise looks at her and gives a little roguish
smile

Marie-Louise Swear you won’t tell
Constance On my honour

Marie-Louise Well, my dear, we met a perfectly divine
young man m India He was ADC to one of the
governors and he came home on the same boat with us
He simply adores me

Constance And of course you adore him
Marie-Louise My dear, I’m absolutely mad about him I
don’t know what’s going to happen
Constance I think we can both give a pretty shrewd
guess

Marie-Louise It’s simply awful to have a temperament like
mine Of course you can’t understand, you’re cold
Constance [Very calmly ] You’re an immoral little beast,
Marie-Louise

Marie-Louise Oh, I’m not I have affairs — but I’m not
promiscuous.

ACT III

I76 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance I should respect you more if you were an
honest prostitute She at least does what she does to
earn her bread and butter You take everything from
your husband and give him nothing that he pays for
You are no better than a vulgar cheat

Marie-Louise [Surprised and really hurt ] Constance, how
can you say such things to me> I think it’s terribly
unkind of you I thought you liked me

Constance I do I think you a liar, a humbug and a para
site, but I like you

Marie-Louise You can’t if you think such dreadful things
about me

Constance I do You’re good-tempered and generous and
sometimes amusing I even have a certain affection
for you

Marie-Louise [Smiling ] I don’t believe you mean a word
you say You know how devoted I am to you

Constance I take people as they are and I dare say that in
another twenty years you’ll be the pink of propriety

Marie-Louise Darling, I knew you didn’t mean it, but you
will have your little joke

Constance Now run along, darling, and I’ll break the news
to John

Marie-Louise Well, good-bye, and be gentle with him
There is no reason why we shouldn’t spare him as much
as possible [She turns to go and at the door — stops ] Of
course I’ve often wondered why with your looks you
don’t have more success than you do* I know now

Constance Tell me

Marie-Louise You see — you’re a humourist and that
always puts men off [She goes out In a moment the door
ts cautiously opened and John puts his bead in ]

John Has she gone?

Constance Come in. A fine night and all’s well.

ACT in THE CONSTANT WIFE I77

John [Entering ] I heard the door bang You broke it
to her* r

Constance I broke it

John Was she awfully upset'*

Constance Of course it was a shock, but she kept a stiff
upper lip

John Did she crf>

Constance No Not exactly To tell you the truth I think
she was stunned by the blow But of course when she
gets home and realises the full extent of her loss, she’ll
cry like anything

John I hate to see a woman cry

Constance It is painful, isn’t it ? But of course it's a relief
to the nerves

John I think you’re rather cool about it, Constance I am
not feeling any too comfortable I shouldn’t like her
to think I’d treated her badly

Constance I think she quite understands that you’re doing
it for my sake She knows that you have still a very
great regard for her

John But you made it quite definite, didn’t you^

Constance Oh, quite

John I’m really very much obliged to you, Constance

Constance Not at all

John At all events I’m glad to think that you’ll be able
to set out on your holiday with a perfectly easy mind
By the way, do you want any moneys* I’ll wnte you a
cheque at once

Constance Oh, no, thank you I’ve got plenty I’ve earned
fourteen hundred pounds during this year that I’ve been
working

John Have you, by Jovel That’s a very considerable sum.

ACT m

178 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Fm taking two hundred of it for my holiday
I’ve spent two hundred on my clothes and on odds and
ends and the remaining thousand I’ve paid into your
account this morning for my board and lodging during
the last twelve months

John Nonsense, darling I won’t hear of such a thing I
don’t want you to pay for your board and lodging
Constance I insist
John Don’t you love me any more^

Constance What has that to do with it? Oh, you think a
woman can only love a man if he keeps her Isn’t that
rating your powers of fascination too modestly^ What
about your charm and good humour^

John Don’t be absurd, Constance I can perfectly well
afford to support you in your proper station To offer
me a thousand pounds for your board and lodging is
almost insulting

Constance Don’t you think it’s the kind of insult you
could bring yourself to swallow^ One can do a lot of
amusing things with a thousand pounds
John I wouldn’t dream of taking it I never liked the idea
of your going into business I thought you had quite
enough to do looking after the house and so forth
Constance Have you been less comfortable since I began
working^

John No, I can’t say I have

Constance You can take my word for it, a lot of incom-
petent women talk a great deal of nonsense about
housekeeping If you know your job and have good
servants it can be done in ten minutes a day

John Anyhow, you wanted to work and I yielded I
thought in point of fact it would be a very pleasant
occupation for you, but heaven knows I wasn’t ex-
pecting to profit financially by it

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE I79

Constance No, Fm sure you weren't

John Constance, I could never help thinking that your
determination had something to do with Mane-Louise

[There is a moment's pause and when Constance speaks
it is not without seriousness

Constance Haven’t you wondered why I never reproached
you for your affair with Marie-Louise 5

John Yes I could only ascribe it to your unfathomable
goodness

Constance You were wrong I felt I hadn’t the nght to
reproach you

John What do you mean, Constance 5 You had every nght
We behaved like a couple of swine I may be a dirty
dog, but, thank God, I know I’m a dirty dog

Constance You no longer desired me How could I blame
you for that 5 But if you didn’t desire me, what use
was I to you 5 You’ve seen how small a share I take in
providing you with the comfort of a well-ordered home

John You were the mother of my child

Constance Let us not exaggerate the importance of that,
John I performed a natural and healthy function of my
sex And all the tiresome part of looking after the child
when she was born I placed in the hands of much more
competent persons Let us face it, I was only a parasite
in your house You had entered into legal obligations
that prevented you from turning me adrift, but I owe
you a debt of gratitude for never letting me see by word
or gesture that I was no more than a costly and at
times inconvenient ornament

John I never looked upon you as an inconvenient orna-
ment And I don’t know what you mean by being a
parasite Have I ever in any way suggested that I
grudged a penny that I spent on you?

l80 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT III

Constance [With mock amazement] Do you mean to say
that I ascribed to your beautiful maimers what was only
due to your stupidity^ Are you as great a fool as the
average man who falls for the average woman’s stu-
pendous bluff that just because he’s married her he must
provide for her wants and her luxuries, sacrifice his
pleasures and comfort and convenience, and that he
must look upon it as a privilege that she allows him to
be her slave and bondman^ Come, come, John, pull
yourself together You’re a hundred years behind the
times Now that women have broken down the walls
of the harem they must take the rough-and-tumble of
the street

John You forget all sorts of things Don’t you think a
man may have gratitude to a woman for the love he
has had for her in the pas &

Constance I think gratitude is often very strong in
men so long as it demands from them no particular
sacrifices

John Well, it’s a curious way of looking at things, but
obviously I have reason to be thankful for it But after
all you knew what was going on long before it came out
What happened then that made you make up your mind
to go into business?

Constance I am naturally a lazy woman So long as
appearances were saved I was prepared to take all I
could get and give nothing in return, I was a parasite,
but X knew it But when we reached a situation where
only your politeness or your lack of intelligence pre-
vented you from throwing the fact in my teeth, I changed
my mind X thought that I should very much like to be
in a position where, if X felt inclined to, I could tell you,
with calm and courtesy, but with determination — to go *
to hell

John And are you m that position now?

ACT m THE CONSTANT WIFE l8l

Constance Precisely I owe you nothing I am able to
keep myself For the last year I have paid my way
There is only one freedom that is really important and
that is economic freedom, for in the long run the man
who pays the piper calls the tune Well, I have that
freedom, and upon my soul it’s the most enjoyable
sensation I can remember since I ate my first straw-
berry ice

John You know, I would sooner you had made me scenes
for a month on end like any ordinary woman and
nagged my life out than that you should harbour thus
cold rancour against me

Constance My poor darling, what are you talking about?
Have you known me for fifteen years and do you t hink
me capable of the commonness of insincerity? I harbour
no rancour Why, my dear. Pm devoted to you

John Do you mean to tell me that you’ve done all this
without any intention of making me feel a perfect cad?

Constance On my honour If I look in my heart I can
only find in it affection for you and the most kindly and
charitable feelings Don’t you believe me?

[He looks at her for a moment and then makes a Itttle
gesture of bewilderment

John Yes, oddly enough, I do You are a remarkable
woman, Constance

Constance I know, but keep it to yourself You don’t
want to give a dog a bad name

John [With an affectionate smile ] I wish I could get away
I don’t half like the idea of your travelling by yourself

Constance Oh, but Tm not Didn’t I tell you?

John No

Constance I meant to I’m going with Bernard,

John Ohl You never said so. Who else?

Constance Nobody

l8 2 THE CONSTANT WIFE ACT III

John Oh! [He is rather taken aback at the news ] Isn’t that
rather odd*

Constance No Why*

John [Not knowing at all how to take it ] Well, it’s not usual
for a young woman to take a six weeks’ holiday with
a man who can hardly be described as old enough to
be her father

Constance Bernard’s just about the same age as you
John Don’t you think it’ll make people gossip a bit?
Constance I haven’t gone out of my way to spread the
news In fact, now I come to think of it, I haven’t told
anyone but you, and you, I am sure, will be discreet
[John suddenly feels that his collar is a little too tight
for him , and with his fingers he tries to loosen it
John You’re pretty certain to be seen by someone who
knows you and they’re bound to talk
Constance Oh, I don’t think so You see we’re motoring
all the way and we neither of us care for frequented
places One of the advantages of having really nice
friends like ours is that you can always be certain of
finding them at the fashionable resorts at the very
moment when everybody you know is there
John Of course I am not so silly as to think that because
a man and a woman go away together it is necessary
to believe the worst about them, but you can’t deny
that it is rather unconventional I wouldn’t for a moment
suggest that there’ll be anything between you, but it’s
inevitable that ordinary persons should think there was
Constance [As cool as a cucumber ] I’ve always thought
that ordinary persons had more sense than the clever
ones are ready to credit them with
John [Deliberately ] What on earth do you mean*
Constance Why, of course we’re going as man and wife,
John.

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE 183

John Don’t be a fool, Constance You don’t know what
you’re talking about That’s not funny at all

Constance But, nay poor John, whom do you take us £01?
Am I so unattractive that what I’m telling you is
incredible? Why else should I go with Bernard^ If I
merely wanted a companion I’d go with a woman We
could have headaches together and have our hair washed
at the same place and copy one another’s nightdresses
A woman’s a much better travelling companion than
a man

John I may be very stupid, but I don’t seem to be able to
understand what you’re saying Do you really mean me
to believe that Bernard Kersal is your lover?

Constance Certainly not

John Then what are you talking abouf*

Constance My dear, I can’t put it any plainer I’m going
away for six weeks’ holiday and Bernard has very kindly
offered to come with me

John And where do I come m?

Constance You don’t come in You stay at home and look
after your patients

John, [ Trying hts best to control himself ] I flatter myself I’m
a sensible man I’m not going to fly into a passion
Many men would stamp and rave or break the furniture
I have no intention of being melodramatic, but you must
allow me to say that what you’ve just told me is very
surprising

Constance Just for a moment, perhaps, but I’m sure you
have only to familiarize yourself with the notion in order
to become reconciled to it

John I’m doubtful whether I shall have time to do that,
for I feel uncommonly as though I were about to have
an apoplectic stroke.

ACT III

184 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Undo you r collar then Now I come to look
at you I confess that you are more than usually red in
the face

John What makes you think that I am going to allow
you to go?

Constance [Good-humouredly ] Chiefly the fact that you can’t
prevent me

John I can’t bring myself to believe that you mean what
you say I don’t know what ever put such an idea into
your head

Constance [Casually ] I thought a change might do me
good

John Nonsense

Constance Why? You did Don’t you remember^ You
were getting rather flat and stale Then you had an
affair with Marie-Louise and you were quite another
man Gay and amusing, full of life, and much more
agreeable to live with The moral effect on you was
quite remarkable

John It’s different for a man than for a woman

Constance Are you thinking of the possible consequences^
We have long passed the Victorian Era when asterisks
were followed after a certain interval by a baby

John That never occurred to me What I meant was that
if a man’s unfaithful to his wife she’s an object of
sympathy, whereas if a woman’s unfaithful to her
husband he’s merely an object of ridicule

Constance That is one of those conventional prejudices
2s that sensible people must strive to ignore

John Do you expect me to sit still and let this man take
my wife away from under my very nose? I wonder you
don’t ask me to shake hands with him and wish him
good luck.

ACT m

THE CONSTANT WIFE

I8 5

Constance That’s just what I am going to do He’s
coming here in a few minutes to say good-bye to you

John I shall knock him down

Constance I wouldn’t take any risks in your place He’s
pretty hefty and I’m under the impression that he’s very
nippy with his left

John I shall have great pleasure in telling him exactly
what I think of him

Constance Why^ Have you forgotten that I was charming
to Marie-Louise ? We were the best of friends She
never bought a hat without asking me to go and help her
choose it

John I have red blood in my veins

Constance I’m more concerned at the moment with the
grey matter in your brain

John Is he in love with you ?

Constance Madly Didn’t you know?

John P How should P

Constance He’s been here a great deal during the last
year Were you under the impression that he only came
to see you^

John I never paid any attention to him I thought him
rather dull

Constance He is rather dull But he’s very sweet

John What sort of a man is it who eats a fellow’s food and
drinks his wine and then makes love to his wife behind
hisback^

A

Constance A man very like you, John, I should say, T

John Not at all Mortimer is the sort of man who was
born to be made a fool of

Constance None of us know for certain the designs of
Providence*

ACT III

r86 THE CONSTANT WIFE

John I see you’re bent on driving me to desperation I
shall break something in a minute

Constance There’s that blue-and-white bowl that your
Uncle Henry gave us as a wedding present Break that,
it’s only a modern imitation

[Hi? takes the howl and hurls tt on the floor so that tt ts
shattered

John There

Constance Do you feel better^

John Not a bit

Constance It’s a pity you broke it then You might have
given it away as a wedding present to one of your
colleagues at the hospital

[The butler shows in Mrs Culver

Butler* Mrs Culver

Constance Oh, mother, how sweet of you to come I was
so hoping I’d see you before I left

Mrs Culver Oh, you’ve had an accident

Constance No, John’s in a temper and he thought it
would relieve him if he broke something

Mrs Culver Nonsense, John’s never in a temper

John That’s what you think, Mrs Culver Yes, I am in a
temper I’m in a filthy temper Are you a party to this
plan of Constance’s?

Constance No, mother doesn’t know

John Can’t you do something to stop it? You have some
influence over her You must see that the thing’s
preposterous* ♦

Mrs Culver My dear boy, I haven’t the ghost of an idea
what you’re talking about

John She’s going to Italy with Bernard Kersal Alone.

Mrs Culver [With a stare] It’s not true, how d’you know?

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE 187

John She’s just told me so, as bold as brass, out of a blue
sky She mentioned it in the course of conversation as if
she were saying. Darling, your coat wants brushing

Mrs Culver Is it true, Constance^

Constance Quite

Mrs Culver But haven’t you been getting on with John * 5
I always thought you two were as happy as the day is
long

John So did I We’ve never had the shadow of a quarrel
We’ve always got on

Mrs Culver Don’t you love John any more, darling^

Constance Yes, I’m devoted to him

John How can you be devoted to a man when you’re
going to do him the greatest injury that a woman can do
to a maiP

Constance Don’t be idiotic, John I’m going to do you no
more injury than you did me a year ago

John [Striding up to her, thinking quite erroneously that he sees
light ] Are you doing this in order to pay me out for
Marie-Louise^

Constance Don’t be such a fool, John Nothing is further
from my thoughts

Mrs Culver The circumstances are entirely different It
was very naughty of John to deceive you, but he’s sorry
for what he did and he’s been punished for it It was all
very dreadful and caused us a great deal of pain But a
man’s a man and you expect that kind of thing from
him There are excuses for him There are none for a
woman Men are naturally polygamous and sensible
women have always made allowances for their occasional
lapse from a condition which modem civilisation has
forced on them. Women are monogamous They do not
naturally desire more than one man and that is why the
common sense of the world has heaped obloquy upon

x88

THE CONSTANT WIFE

ACT III

them when they have overstepped the natural limitations
of their sex

Constance [Smiling ] It seems rather hard that what is
sauce for the gander shouldn’t also be sauce for the goose
Mrs Culver We all know that unchastxty has no moral
effect on men They can be perfectly promiscuous and
remain upright, industrious and reliable It’s quite
different with women It ruins their character They
become untruthful and dissipated, lazy, shiftless and
dishonest That is why the experience of ten thousand
years has demanded chastity in women Because it has
learnt that this virtue is the key to all others

Constance They were dishonest because they were giving
away something that wasn’t theirs to give They had
sold themselves for board, lodging and protection They
were chattel They were dependent on their husbands
and when they were unfaithful to them they were liars
and thieves I’m not dependent on John I am econo-
mically independent and therefore I claim my sexual
independence I have this afternoon paid into John’s
account one thousand pounds for my year’s keep
John I refuse to take it
Constance Well, you’ll damned well have to
Mrs Culver There’s no object in losing your temper
Constance I have mine under perfect control

John If you think what they call free love is fun you’re
mistaken Believe me, it’s the most overrated amuse-
ment that v as ever invented

Constance In that case, I wonder why people continue to
indulge in it

John I ought to know what I’m talking about, hang it all
It has all the inconveniences of marriage and none of its
advantages I assure you, my dear, the game is not
worth the candle*

ACT HI THE CONSTANT WIFE 189

Constance You may be right, but you know how hard it is
to profit by anybody’s experience I think I’d like to see
for myself

Mrs Culver Are you in love with Bernard^

Constance To tell you the truth I haven’t quite made up
my mind How does one know if one’s in love^

Mrs Culver My dear, I only know one test Could you
use his tooth-brush^

Constance No

Mrs Culver Then you’re not in love with him
Constance He’s adored me for fifteen years There’s
something in that long devotion which gives me a funny
little feeling in my heart I should like to do something
to show him that I’m not ungrateful You see, in six
weeks he goes back to Japan There is no chance of his
coming to England again for seven years I’m thirty-six
now and he adores me, in seven years I shall be forty-
three A woman of forty-three is often charming, but it’s
seldom that a man of fifty-five is crazy about her I came
to the conclusion that it must be now or never and so I
asked him if he’d like me to spend these last six weeks
with him in Italy When I wave my handkerchief to him
as the ship that takes him sails out of the harbour at
Naples I hope that he will feel that all those years of
unselfish love have been well worth the while
John Six weeks Do you intend to leave him at the end of
six weeks?

Constance Oh, yes, of course It’s because I’m putting a
limit to our love that I think it may achieve the per-
fection of something that is beautiful and transitory
Why, John, what is it that makes a rose so lovely but that
its petals fall as soon as it is full blowm*

John It’s all come as such a shock and a surprise that I
hardly know what to say. You’ve got me at a complete
disadvantage

THE CONSTANT WIFE

ACT III

IJO

[Mrs, Culver, who has been standing at the window ogives
a btile cry

Constance What is it?

Mrs Culver Here is Bernard He’s just driven up to the
door.

John Do you expect me to receive him as if I were blissfully
unconscious of your plans^

Constance It would be more comfortable It would be
stupid to make a scene and it wouldn’t prevent my going
on this little jaunt with him

John I have my dignity to think of

Constance One often preserves that best by putting it m
one’s pocket It would be kind of you, John, to treat
him just as pleasantly as I treated Mane-Louise when I
knew she was your mistress

John Does he know that I know^

Constance Of course not He’s a little conventional, you
know, and he couldn’t happily deceive a friend if he
thought there was no deception

Mrs Culver Constance, is there nothing I can say to make
you reconsider your decision^

Constance Nothing, darling

Mrs Culver Then I may just as well save my breath I’ll
slip away before he comes

Constance Oh, all right Good-bye, mother I’ll send you
a lot of picture post-cards

Mrs Culver I don’t approve of you, Constance, and I
can’t pretend that I do No good will come of it Men
were meant by nature to be wicked and delightful and
deceive their wives, and women were meant to be
virtuous and forgiving and to suffer verbosely That was
ordained from all eternity and none of your new-fangled
notions can alter the decrees of Providence

[The Butler enters t folhwed by Bernard

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE X9I

Bentley Mr Kersal

Mrs Culver How do you do, Bernard, and good-bye
Fm just going

Bernard Oh, I’m sorry Good-bye

[She goes out

Constance [To Bernard] How d’you do* Just one
moment [To the Butler ] Oh, Bentley, get my things
downstairs and put them in a taxi, will you?

Bentley Very good, madam

Bernard Are you just starting* It’s lucky I came when I
did I should have hated to miss you

Constance And let me know when the taxi’s here,

Bentley Yes, madam

Constance Now I can attend to you

[The Butler goes out

Bernard Are you looking forward to your holiday*

Constance. Immensely I’ve never gone on a jaunt like this
before, and Fm really quite excited

Bernard You’re going alone, aren’t you?

Constance Oh, yes, quite alone

Bernard It’s rotten for you not to be able to get away, old
man

John Rotten

Bernard I suppose these are the penalties of greatness I
can quite understand that you have to think of your
patients first

John Quite

Constance Of course John doesn’t very much care for
Italy

Bernard Oh, are you going to Italy? I thought you said
Spam

John No, she always said Italy

ACT in

192 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Bernard Oh, well, that’s hardly your mark, is it, old boy?
Though I believe there are some sporting links on the
Lake of Como

Johns Are there?

Bernard I suppose there’s no chance of your being any-
where near Naples towards the end of July?

Constance I don’t really know My plans are quite
vague

Bernard I was only asking because I’m sailing from
Naples It would be fun if we met there

John Great fun

Constance I hope you’ll see a lot of John while I’m away
I’m afraid he’ll be a trifle lonely, poor darlrng Why
don’t you dine together one day next week?

Bernard I’m terribly sorry, but you know I’m going
away

Constance Oh, are you? I thought you were going to stay
in London till you had to start for Japan

Bernard I meant to, but my doctor has ordered me to go
and do a cure

John What sort of a cure?

Bernard Oh, just a cure He says I want bucking up

John. Oh, does he? What’s the name of your doctor?

Bernard No one you ever heard of A man I used to know
in the war

John OhI

Bernard So I’m afraid this is good-bye Of course, it’s a
wrench leaving London, especially as I don’t expect to be
in Europe again for some years, but I always think it
rather silly not to take a man’s advice when you’ve asked
font

John More especially when he’s charged you three guineas.

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE I93

Constance I’m sorry I was counting on you to keep John
out of mischief during my absence

Bernard I’m not sure if I could guarantee to do that But
we might have done a few theatres together and had a
game of golf or two

Constance It would have been jolly, wouldn’t it, JobtP

John Very jolly

[The Butler comes tn

Bentley The taxi’s waiting, madam

Constance Thank you

[The Butler goes out

Bernard I’ll take myself off In case I don’t see you again
I’d like to thank you now for all your kindness to me
during the year I’ve spent in London,

Constance It’s been very nice to see you

Bernard You and John have been most awfully good to
me I never imagined I was going to have such a
wonderful time

Constance We shall miss you terribly It’s been a great
comfort to John to think that there was someone to
take me out when he had to be away on one of his
operations Hasn’t it, darling^

John Yes, darling

Constance When he knew I was with you he never
worried Did you, darling^

John No, darling

Bernard I’m awfully glad if I’ve been able to make myself
useful Don’t forget me entirely, will yoiP

Constance We’re not likely to do that, are we, darling?

John No, darling

Bernard And if you ever have a moment to spare you will
write to me, won’t you? You don’t know how much it
means to us exiles.

ACT ni

194 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance Of course we will We’ll both write Won’t
we, darling?

John Yes, darling

Constance John writes such a good letter So chatty, you
know, and amusing

Bernard That’s a promise Well, good-bye, old boy
Have a good time

John Thanks, old bean

Bernard Good-bye, Constance There’s so much I want
to say to you that I don’t know where to begin

John I don’t want to hurry you, but the taxi is just ticking
its head off

Bernard John is so matter-of-fact Well, I’ll say nothing
then but God bless you

Constance Au revolt

Bernard If you do go to Naples you will let me know,
won’t you? If you send a line to my club, it’ll be for-
warded at once

Constance Oh, all right.

Bernard Good-bye

[He gives them both a friendly nod and goes out Con-
stance begins to giggle and soon is seized with
uncontrollable laughter

John Will you kindly tell me what there is to laugh at? If
you think it amuses me to stand here like patience on a
monument and have my leg pulled you’re mistaken
What did you mean by all that balderdash about meeting
you by chance in Naples?

Constance He was throwing you off the scent.

John The man’s a drivelling idiot

Constance D’you think so? I thought he was rather
ingenious Considering he hasn’t had very much
practice in this sort of thing I thought he did very well

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE 195

John Of course if you’re determined to find him a pattern
of perfection it’s useless for me to attempt to argue But
honestly, speaking without prejudice for or against, I’m
sorry to think of you throwing yourself away on a man
like that

Constance Perhaps it’s natural that a man and his wife
should differ in their estimate of her prospective lover

John You’re not going to tell me he’s better-looking than I
am

Constance No You have always been my ideal of manly
beauty

John He’s no better dressed than I am

Constance He could hardly expect to be He goes to the
same tailor

John I don’t think you can honestly say he’s more amusing
than I am

Constance No, I honestly can’t

John Then in Heaven’s name why do you want to go away
with hinP

Constance Shall I tell you^ Once more before it’s too late
I want to feel about me the arms of a man who adores the
ground I walk on I want to see his face light up when I
enter the room I want to fed the pressure of his hand
when we look at the moon together and the pleasantly
tickling sensation when his arm tremulously steals
around my waist I want to let my hand fall on his
shoulder and feel his lips softly touch my hair

John The operation is automatically impossible, the poor
devil would get such a crick in the neck he wouldn’t
know^what to do

Constance I want to walk along country lanes holding
hands and I want to be called by absurd pet names I
want to talk baby-talk by the hour together

John Oh, God.

ACT III

196 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance I want to know that Fm eloquent and witty
when Fm dead silent For ten years Fve been very happy
in your affection, John, we’ve been the best and dearest
friends, but now just for a little while I hanker for some-
thing else Do you grudge it me^ I want to be loved

John But, my dear. I’ll love you I’ve been a brute, I’ve
neglected you, it’s* not too late and you’re the only
woman I’ve ever real ly cared for I’ll chuck everything
and we’ll go away together

Constance The prospect does not thrill me

John Come, darling, have a heart I gave up Mane-Louise
Surely you can give up Bernard

Constance But you gave up Mane-Louise to please
yourself, not to please me

John Don’t be a little beast, Constance Come away with
me We’ll have such a lark

Constance Oh, my poor John, I didn’t work so hard to
gam my economic independence in order to go on a
honeymoon with my own husband

John Do you think I can’t be a lover as well as a husband^

Constance My dear, no one can make yesterday’s cold
mutton into to-morrow’s lamb cutlets

John You know what you’re doing I was determined in
future to be a model husband and you’re driving me
right into the arms of Mane-Louise I give you my word
of honour that the moment you leave this house I shall
drive straight to her door

Constance I should hate you to have a fruitless journey
I’m afraid you won’t find her at home She has a new
young man and she says he’s too divine.

John Whatl

Constance He’s the A D C of a Colonial Governor She
came here to-day to ask me to break the news to you that
henceforth everything was over between you.

ACT III THE CONSTANT WIFE I97

John I hope you told her first that I was firmly resolved to
terminate a connection that could only cause you pain

Constance I couldn’t She was in such a blooming hurry
to give me her message

John Really, Constance, for your own pride I should have
thought you wouldn’t like her to make a perfect fool of
me Any other woman would have said. What a
strange coincidence Why it’s only half an hour since
John told me he had made up his mind never to see you
again But of course you don’t care two straws for me
any more, that’s quite evident

Constance Oh, don’t be unjust, darling I shall always care
for you I may be unfaithful, but I am constant I always
think that’s my most endearing quality

[The Butler opens the door

John [ Irritably ] What is it?

Bentley I thought madam had forgotten that the taxi was
at the door

John Go to hell

Bentley Very good, sir

[He goes out

Constance I don’t see why you should be rude to him
Bernard will pay the taxi Anyhow I must go now or
he’ll begin to think I’m not coming Good-bye, darling
I hope you’ll get on all right in my absence Just give the
cook her head and you’ll have no trouble Won’t you
say good-bye to me?

John Go to the devil

Constance All right I shall be back in six weeks.

John Back? Where?

Constance Here

John Here? Here? Do you think I’m going to take you
back?

ACT III

198 THE CONSTANT WIFE

Constance I don’t see why not When you’ve had time to
reflect you’ll realise that you have no reason to blame me
After all, I’m taking from you nothing that you want
John Are you aware that I can divorce you for this^
Constance Quite But I married very prudently I took
the precaution to marry a gentleman and I know that you
could never bring yourself to divorce me for doing no
more than you did yourself

John I wouldn’t divorce you I wouldn’t expose my worst
enemy to the risk of marrying a woman who’s capable of
treating her husband as you’re treating me
Constance [At the door ] Well, then, shall I come hack?
John [After a moment's hesitation ] You are the most
maddening, wilful, capricious, wrong-headed, delightful
and enchanting woman man was ever cursed with having
for a wife Yes, damn you, come back

f She lightly kisses her hand to htm and slips out , slamming
the door behind her

Ihe End

THE BREAD-WINNER

A COMEDY
m One Act

CHARACTERS

Charles Battle
Margery, his wifi*

Judy, bis daughter
Patrick, bis son
Alfred Granger
Dorothy, his wife
Diana, bis daughter •

Timothy, bis son

The action of the play is continuous , and takes place in the
drawing-room of the Battles 9 bouse at Golders Green In
order to rest the audience the curtain is lowered twice during
the performance •

THE BREAD-WINNER

SCENE I

A well-fur m shed drawing-room, in the modem style hut without
excess , an airy , sunny room looking on to the handsome suburban
garden

When the curtain rises Judy and Patrick are discovered
Patrick is in flannels He is a nice-looking boy of eighteen
He is lying on the sofa very comfortably , reading an illustrated
paper, others are scattered about him on the floor Judy is
seventeen She is preny , blond and self-possessed She also is
dressed in tennis things She is standing at the gramophone , and
ha i just put on a new record However brusquely Patrick and
Judy talk, and however frank they are in expressing their
opinions , they remain engaging and delightful The same applies
to their friends Diana and Timothy

Patrick \Without looking up from his paper ] Aren’t you sick
of that yet ^

Judy My dear child, it’s absolutely new It was only
written last week, and the record came out yesterday
morning

Patrick Rot I was weaned on it I vividly remember
mother turning it on to get me to take the bottle quietly

Judy Liar! It’s rather jolly to dance to Come on.

Patrick [Without moving ] Oh, God!

Judy Slacker

Patrick I wish Tim and Dinah would hurry up*

Judy What’s the time^ She said they’d come immediately
after lux^h*

203

204 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

Patrick Ring them up and tell them to hurry up
Judy [. Amiably ] Ring them up yourself
Patrick Lazy hound

Judy Tim’s going back next term after all He wanted to
go up to Cambridge with you, but Alfred said he must
stay at school another year

Patrick He’s only seventeen
Judy He’ll be eighteen in December

Patrick There’s all the difference between being eighteen
now and eighteen in December I should have thought
that was obvious to the meanest intelligence

Judy Here they are [She goes to the door and opens it]
Dinah!

Diana [Outside ] Hullo!

Judy We’re in here Bring your rackets along.

Diana Right-ho

[She comes in, a dark pretty girl of eighteen and a bit , with
fine eyes and a fresh colour She has a racket m her hand
She is followed by her brother Timothy He is a year
younger than she, and , as we have heard, will not be
eighteen till December He is a slim, tall, dark youth
wearing a gay blazer and a muffler, and he carries two
rackets Patrick gets up from the sofa

Patrick Hullo, Dinah.

Diana* Hullo

Patrick I forget, do we kiss?

Diana Only at dances under the influence of claret cup
Patrick Hullo, Tim. How are you?

Timothy Allnght How are you?

Patrick [Pointing to the two rackets,] I say, what’s the idea?

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 20J

Timothy I’ve come on in my game a bit lately One must
have two rackets, you know

Patrick Wimbledon Eh, what?

Diana Tim is now a blood

Patrick I hear you’re going back next term

Timothy Rotten, isn’t it* Alfred’s being frightfully
tiresome

Patrick How is your respected parent?

Timothy Very facetious

Diana Few people know how exhausting it is to have a
humorist in the family

Patrick I’m thankful to say that’s not one of our troubles
You’d have to get an axe to get father to see that you’re
making a joke

Judy Poor Daddy, no one could say that he has a sense of
humour

Timothy Have you plied him with liquor?

Patrick It has no effect, it’s constitutional.

Diana When did you get back, Pat?

Patrick Just before lunch

Timothy We broke up the day before yesterday.

Diana Are you glad to have left school?

Patrick Rather! I didn’t have a bad time, you know Rut
I want to go up to Cambridge now I think it’ll be rather
fun

Judy I think he’s grown since Easter, don’t you, Dinah?

Patrick* I’m sure I have I can tell by my dinner-jacket
I’m going to order some new tails to-morrow.

Timothy Who are you going to?

Patrick, Well, I don’t know I suppose Daddy’ll want me
to go to his tailor as usual But I’m going to tell him that
of course he’s all nght for him, but honestly he’s not
smart enough for me.

20S THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

Diana I shall take off my hat [She does so, and shakes her
shmgled head] Lead me your comb, Tim j

Timotht [Looking tn his pocket ] Oh damn, I left it at home

Judy Pat’ll lend you his

Patrick [Taking a comb out of hts pocket ] Here you are

[He gives it to her , and taking a little glass from her bag she
combs her hair Then Judy lakes the comb from her
and runs it through her hair

Timothy Are you still going in for the Bar, Pat^

Patrick Oh, yes I think so After all, it’s the only
profession that really gives you a chance It’ll be rather
fun coming up to town to eat my dinners

Timothy Let me have the comb a minute

[He takes it and combs his perfectly ordered hair He
returns it to Patrick, who mechanically does the same ,
and then puts it back m his pocket

Patrick Of course I shall go in for politics

Diana Which side^

Patrick Well, I haven’t really made up my mind yet
Daddy’s always been a liberal, but there’s nothing to be
got out of being a liberal now I think the only thing
now is labour

Diana I’m labour I always have been

Patrick They want people like us, public school and
varsity, and that sort of thing

Timothy Of course you’re lucky, you can go in for any-
thing you like I’ve got to go into Alfred’s rotten old
business

Diana You can’t blame Alfred It’s an old-established firm,
and he wants his only son to follow in his footsteps

Timothy Can you see me as respectable family lawyer?

Patrick Perfectly, and I can see you giving me fat briefs

SCENE I

THE BREAD-WINNER

*07

Timothy Fll tell you one thing, Pm not going to live at
home

Patrick They couldn’t expect you to do that I don’t irnnd
coming here during the vac for a bit when I haven’t got
anywhere better to go, but as soon as I settle down in
London Pm going to tell Daddy that I must have a flat

Timothy We might share one

Patrick That’s not a bad idea I’ve got rather a fancy for
Albemarle Street personally

Timothy That would do me all right As long as it’s
absolutely central I don’t care where I live

Patrick It’s a damned good address And one must have
that

Timothy Absolutely

Diana I’m simply fed up with the suburbs

Patrick So am I Fed to the teeth

Judy I can’t imagine why they want to live out in the wilds
like this

Patrick Poor Mummy thinks this is such a nice neigh-
bourhood

Judy It was all very well when we were kids We had to
have fresh air and all that sort of rot But now we’re
grown up I can’t see the point of it

Diana Would you believe it? Dorothy thinks it’s central
When I tell her it’s the back of beyond, she says. My
dear, what are you talking about? It’s only twelve
minutes by tube from Piccadilly Circus

Patrick One’s people are really extraordinary You know,
ours haven’t begun to realise that we are grown up

Judy Mummy still wants to buy my clothes for me I had
to make the devil of a row before I could get my own
dress allowance

Timothy I will say that for Alfred, he’s given us an
allowance ever since we were fifteen.

ao8 the BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

Patrick Fm expecting to have a bit of a dust up with father
over my allowance at Cambridge Fm going to ask for
five hundred

Timothy Do you think he'll give you that 5
Patrick No, but I think he’ll give me four If I ask for
four he'll try and get off for three-fifty
Timothy He oughtn’t to kick at that
Patrick He oughtn’t to kick at anything After all, I
didn't ask to be brought into the world He did it
entirely for his own amusement, and he's had a lot of fun
out of me He must be prepared to pay for it
Timothy That's fair enough

Patrick When I settle down m London he’ll have to give
me at least five hundred a year Everybody knows that
you can't earn a living at the Bar till you're thirty
Timothy If Alfred gave me the same, we ought to be able
to do ourselves pretty well in a flat
Diana It makes me perfectly sick when I hear you two talk
of having a flat in town I'd love to have one of my
own Wouldn't you, Judy?

Judy Simply love it

Diana I’m sick of living at home

Patrick Why don't you marry 5

Diana Oh, I'm not going to marry for years yet I want to
marry when Fm twenty-four* I want to have a good time
first

Judy Oh, I think that's rather old I want to marry when
I'm twenty-one

Patrick* Why don't you tell Alfred that you want your 4
own flat 5

Diana Can you see his face 5 \lmtatmg her father J Fve
made a jolly good home for my kiddies, old boy, and
between you and I, I don't mind telling you they think
there's no place like it

SCENE I

THE BREAD-WINNER

209

Patrick [With a smile ] Poor Alfred

Diana Alfred’s all right. He means well

Timothy Only he’s so terribly hearty

Diana I think it’s rather pathetic sometimes, his delusion
that one’s really going to look upon one’s parents as
friends

Timothy It’s so shy-making, his one boy to another stunt

Diana Well, you know, it’s got its advantages Call him
old bean, and you can get anything you want out of
htm

Patrick It’s so damned humiliating having to play up to
one’s people all the time

Diana What else can you do? They have an idea about
you in their heads and you have to live up to it They’re
incapable of understanding that you’re not in the least
what they think you are

Timothy I shall never forget when I was leaving my prep
school, and Dorothy told Alfred he must tell me what
she called the facts of life

Patrick Oh, God!

Timothy I’ve never seen Alfred in such a twitter He was
trying to be terribly hearty, and he got as red as a
turkey-cock I could see the sweat simply pouring down
his face

Patrick, What did you do?

Timothy "What could I do* I couldn’t very well say to
him. Look here, Alfred, you’re about three years too
late with all this, there’s not much you can tell me I don’t
know

Diana Our dear little innocent Timothy,

Timothy So I just did the little blushing boy stunt, and let
him get it off his chest Ami then he gave me a pound
and said. You’d better take your sister to a matinee.

ZIO THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

Patrick How is our respected parent these days, Judy?

Judy Oh, I don’t know, same as usual

Diana Of course you haven’t seen him yet?

Patrick No I suppose he’ll be getting back from the Qty
presently I was only asking because I’ve been wonder-
ing if there was any chance of getting a car out of him

Timothy I say, that would be grand

Patrick Well, now I’ve left school I ought to have a car of
my own It’s absurd that I should have to go about in the
family bus [To Judy] Have you said anything to
Mummy about it?

Judy She says it all depends on how things are on the
Stock Exchange

Patrick They’re all rolling on the Stock Exchange As
long as the world is full of mugs, stock-brokers are
bound to make money

Diana You know, I like your father, Pat

Judy Very dull, poor darling

Diana I’m not sure that I wouldn’t rather have a dull
father than a funny one

Patrick Fortunately we don’t see much of him except at
dinner And that’s pretty ghastly, isn’t it, Judy?

Judy Ghastly isn’t the word

Patrick Daddy sitting at one end of the table never
opening his mouth, and mother improving our minds
with bright chat about art and literature

Diana That’s home life

Patrick, Well, I’ve had about enough of it, I can tell you
D’you think that when wire their age we shall be as
bonng as they are?

Judy Oh, I don’t see why we should for a moment.

Timothy. How old is your father, Pat?

Patrick* I think he’s forty-two, isn’t he, Judy?

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 211

Judy Yes, he was comparatively young when he married
Mummy Twenty-three

Diana One of those awful war marriages, I suppose Like
Alfred and Dorothy

Judy Oh, no They must have been married before that
Pat’s eighteen

Diana Well, when was the war*

Timothy Oh, don’t let’s talk of that old war I’m fed to the
teeth with it

Judy What a bore the people are who went through it
Patrick Crashing

Judy When they get together and start talking about their
experiences I could scream
Diana I know As if anyone cared
Timothy They were a dreary lot, that war generation
Diana Well, don’t forget that except for the war there
would have been a lot more of them
Timothy They don’t amount to anything any more
They’re finished and done with, thank God
Diana Unfortunately some of them don’t know it
Judy Well, I’m going to make it my business to tell them
whenever I have an opportunity
Patrick After all, let’s face it, people aren’t any good after
forty, are they* They’re only in the way, and life can’t be
any pleasure to them

Diana I don’t suppose it is much, but what are you to do
with them? You can’t drown them like puppies
Timothy It’s obvious that people live much too long now
Patrick If nature were properly organised they’d just drop
off quite quietly at the age of forty
Diana D’you think they’d like it?

Patrick I don’t see why they should mmd They’ve had
their day They’ve done everything they’re capable of

lit THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

doing Look at all the poets and painters and so on
What on earth have they done that was worth while after
they were forty? What’s the good of hanging on, a
burden to yourself and everyone connected with you?
It would be much better if they just passed out quietly,
like the mayflies when they’ve had their little bit of
nonsense

Judy Of course, I don’t expect to live till I’m forty Fancy
being thirty-six I shall die when I’m twenty-nine
Diana Have you made your wiiP
Judy No, but I’ve been thinking about it
Timothy You might leave me those jade buttons of yours
They’d make rather nice links

Judy Oh, I’m going to be buned with all my jewellery I
made up my mind about that years ago
Patrick Don’t talk rot I’m being serious In a well-
regulated state at a certain age everyone should be put
painlessly out of existence,

Diana Without exception?

Patrick Of course

Diana It would be rather a wrench when it came to one’s
own people

Patrick Of course, it would be a wrench But one would
have to sacrifice one’s private feelings to the common
good Take our case, for instance Judy and I are quite
fond of father and mother Aren’t we, Judy?

Judy Yes We’re as fond of them as anyone can be of their
people

Patrick But we’re not blind to their defects Mummy is
terribly arty and highbrow. And poor Daddy has no
sense of humour*

Judy Absolutely

Patrick They’ve always been very nice to us* They’ve
sent us to decent schools and given us a good time In the

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 213

holidays And we’ve always been very decent to them
We’ve never given them any trouble I think we’ve been
rather a credit to them

Diana On the whole

Patrick But now it’s quite obvious that their use is
ended They can only hamper us in future We’re
grown up and we want our freedom

Timothy You’re absolutely right, Patrick

Patrick Of course. I’m right I’m not just talking through
my hat I’ve thought about this a great deal We’ve
arrived at an age now when we ought to be on our own
We’ve got the whole world before us. We can’t afford to
be What’s the word I want?

Diana Footled about

Judy Tied

Patrick Trammelled, that’s it Trammelled by domestic
ties

Timothy It is damned unfair, there’s no doubt about
that

Patrick Unfair isn’t the word It’s damned unjust That’s
what it is They’ve had their fling and now they want to
prevent us from having ours After all one must have
money And one wants it when one’s young What’s the
good of money to middle-aged people*

Diana They do spend it in the most idiotic way One can’t
deny that

Patrick Daddy’s been on the Stock Exchange for a good
many years and he must have made a packet It does
seem a bit thick that Judy and I should have to wait for it
till we’re too old to spend it

Diana Of course, all that’s true But it does seem rather
drastic to kill the poor old things off

Judy I don’t believe you’d have the heart to do it, Pat?

SCENE I

214 THE BREAD-WINNER

Patrick I daresay when it came to the point 1 should
hesitate, One has one’s feelings After all, it’s a rotten
thing having to put an old dog out of its sufferings
Judy Don’t speak of it God, how I cried when we had to
send poor old Bonzo to the vet ’s to have him destroyed
Patrick It made me feel a bit funny, I don’t mind telling
you

Judy I shall never have a dog I love so much
Patrick I don’t want to be cruel I merely said that m a
well-regulated state when people have outlived their
utility, say at forty, they ought to be put out of their
misery But we don’t live in a well-regulated state, and I
don’t suppose we ever shall

Timothy I don’t know about that Our generation hasn’t
had a chance yet

Patrick Personally I’d be quite willing to compromise
Diana How’d you mean?

Patrick Well, at forty I’d make people retire and hand over
all their property to their children If they hadn’t any
property the state would support them and, of course, if
they had, their children would make them an allowance
Timothy That’s not a bad idea

Patrick Judy and I would give our people two hundred
and fifty a year That would be quite enough They
could have a little cottage in the country Mother could
keep chickens and Daddy could potter about the garden
I think they’d be awfully happy
Judy Mummy always has said that’s just the sort of thing
she’d love

Diana Do you think two hundred and fifty would be
enough^

Patrick Oh, quite You see, they’d grow their own
vegetables and then there’d be the eggs
Judy I say, what a lark we could have.

SCENE I

THE BREAD-WINNER

215

Diana What would you do^

Patrick The first thing would be to sell the house and take
a flat m town Judy and I could live together till she
married

J udy I know the first thing Fd do I’d j oin every night club
in London

Patrick I’d hunt We could probably run to a little
hunting-box somewhere in my constituency And I
could kill two birds with one stone that way
Timothy I’d have the fastest car made and my own
aeroplane

Diana I don’t know what I’d do Of course, Fd get all my
clothes in Pans

Judy* I think we’d make things hum
Patrick There’s no doubt in my mind we’d run the world
a damned sight better than it’s ever been run before
Why should the old think that they know better than we
do^ They belong to the past We’re the future and the
future’s ours Why shouldn’t we do what we like with
our own property?

Diana You have come on since last holidays, Pat
Patrick Three months is a long time I’ve been thinking a
lot about things in general
Timothy I wish I had your gift of the gab
Patrick It’s not necessary for you You’re only going to
be a solicitor You must have it at the Bar*

Judy There’s Mummy*

Patrick Oh, let’s go and play tennis then*

Timothy Come on

Judy How are we going to play^

[As thy get up, Timothy taking hts rackets, the door ts
opened and Margery and Dorothy come tn
Margery ts a pretty, shghtly faded blonde, and

Zl6 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

Dorothy is dark , like her daughter , and rather
alluring Her pose is sttppressed passion They are both
under forty 9 smartly dressed and a good deal made up
Neither ts the decrepit old creature you might have
suspected from listening to their children’s conversation ,
and neither has the slightest idea that her day is over
Margery You lazy people, why aren’t you playing tennis^
Judy We’re just going to, Mummy
Patrick Hulloa, Aunt Dorothy.

Dorothy You’ve grown, Pat
Margery Isn’t he enormous^

[Dorothy kisses Patrick on the cheek
Dorothy [Archly \ I’m not quite sure if Alfred would
approve of my kissing such a grown-up young man
Patrick* After all, you are my aunt
Dorothy Not really, ^f course Your mother and I are
only first cousins

Diana She means that except for Alfred you and she could
marry

Dorothy Don’t be so silly, Dinah

Timothy It’s not a bad idea If Alfred’s run over by a
motor-bus you shall marry Dorothy, Pat I think you’d
make me a very good father

Patrick I wouldn’t let you call me by my Christian name
I should insist on your calling me Papa

Margery Run along, you idiots Dorothy and I want to
talk.

Timothy Come on, you kids

Patrick [Going out } No rest for the weary

[The four young things go Margery and Dorothy
settle themselves down for a gossip by getting their lip-
sticks and mirrors out of their bags and starting to
paint their kps.

217

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER

Dorothy What a nice-looking boy Pat is growing You’ll

have to keep an eye on him, darling You know what
women ate

Margery Oh, I’m not frightened He’s absolutely
innocent And he tells me everything
Dorothy They talk a lot of nonsense about the young
nowadays. I don’t believe they know half as much as we
did at their age.

Margery I wish they wouldn’t grow up quite so quickly
When Pat came back from school this morning, it gave

me quite a shock

Dorothy I don’t care It’s not like before the war
People don’t grow old like they used to When Dinah
and I go out together we’re always taken for sisters
Margery I honestly don’t think you look a day older than

she does But then you’re dark That gives you such an
adv antag e When you’re blonde like me you fade
Dorothy You haven’t Why, I was only thinking at
dwnct last night how lovely your hair looked
Margery It’s several shades darker than when I was a girl
I was wondering if anyone would notice if I had it
touched up a little

Dorothy Of course, it does make the face look harder

Margery Oh, I wouldn’t have it dyed I’d only just have a
few reflets d’or put in Ernest said he could do it so that
not a soul would know it wasn’t natural
Dorothy Well, I know someone who likes you very much

as you are

Margery Dorothyl As a matter of fact I don’t know what
you’re talking about

Dorothy Come off it. Marge Do you think I haven’t got
eyes in my head? Why, it was obvious last night

Margery You don’t think it was, really?

SCENE I

2l8 THE BREAD-WINNER

Dorothy Well, it was obvious to me I’ve been dying to
know what he said to you

Margery i suppose those children really are playing tennis 5

Dorothy Oh, yes Fm simply thrilled, Marge

Margery Well, he said he was quite crazy about me He said
he’d been wanting to tell me for a long time, but knowing
Charlie on the Stock Exchange and all that sort of thing,
he hadn’t liked to But he simply couldn’t help himself

Dorothy During dinner, was that, or afterwards 5

Margery Well, he began during dinner, but not seriously,
you know Lightly He didn’t really get serious till
afterwards when we’d been dancing

Dorothy Does he dance well?

Margery Divinely

Dorothy I suppose he wanted to see how you’d take it
Men are rather cautious I suppose they don’t want to
get snubbed Tell me what you said to him

Margery Well, of course, I laughed I said. Do you
realise that I have two children who are practically grown
up 5 He said he didn’t believe it He said he’d bet a
monkey that I wasn’t a day more than twenty-five What
is a monkey, darling 5

Dorothy A thousand pounds and a pony’s five hundred I
can’t think why men don’t say five hundred pounds
when they mean five hundred pounds

Margery It does seem silly, doesn’t it 5

Dorothy* Go on, dear

Margery Then I said, I’ve got a girl of seventeen I
didn’t say anything about Pat I thought if he liked to
think he was younger he could*

Dorothy I don’t blame you*

Margery*' Then he said. Well, all I can say is, you must
have been married out of your cradle So then I gave

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 1 19

him a look and I said, Well, I wasn’t very old, I
admit

Dorothy I know exactly how you said it Sweeping the
floor with your eyelashes so to speak I’ve seen you do it
dozens of times andat always gets them

Margery It’s quite unconscious I never mean to Then
he took my hand and said, I wonder if you know how
much more attractive it is to be a grown woman than a
silly slip of a girl

Dorothy Men always say that And I’m sure it’s true Men
don’t fall in love with girls They’re not interesting
enough

Margery I suppose there’s something in that

Dorothy And what happened next?

Margery He asked me what Charlie does on Sundays
Oh, I said, he goes and plays golf Good old
Charlie, he said Then he asked me if I wouldn’t go
motoring with him in the country

Dorothy And are you going^

Margery Of course not Why, I hardly know the man

Dorothy You can’t expect to get to know the man if you
never see him

Margery It wouldn’t be fair to the children

Dorothy Charlie goes and has a good time playing golf
I don’t see why you shouldn’t go motoring if you want
to

Margery You know what I am, Dorothy

Dorothy I don’t believe you’re as cold as you pretend

Margery Perhaps not But Charlie’s never looked at
another woman since he married me I shouldn’t like to
do anything to hurt his feelings

Dorothy It wouldn’t hurt his feelings if he didn’t know I
don’t say go too far, but a flirtation can do no one any

220 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

harm And everyone knows there’s nothing like having
a man pay her a little attention to make a woman look
young

Margery Of course, there’s something in that

Dorothy You know as well as I do that in all the time
we’ve been married I’ve never been unfaithful to Alfred
But I’ve had scores of beaux That’s what’s kept me
fresh and alert and up to date

Margery It’s true that one wants something to make up
for marned life

Dorothy No one could want a better husband than Alfred,
and I’m sure he’s always been absolutely faithful to me,
but I could never have stood his heartiness for all these
years if I hadn’t had my little flirtations on the side

Margery What a mercy it is that men have to go to
business every day What would one do if they were
about the house all day long^

Dorothy How has Charlie been lately?

Margery Well, you’ve seen him Just the same as ever
He never changes

Dorothy Of course, I’ve seen for ages that he rather bores
you

Margery Nineteen years is a long time to be married

Dorothy Too long, if you ask me

Margery* I suppose I’ve got nothing to complain of really.
He gives me everything I want

Dorothy And you never quarrel, do you?

Margery Oh, never And he never fusses. But, of course,
he u limited*

Dorothy Men are. I’ve noticed that often,

Margery He isn’t interested in art and literature like I am.
When I have intellectual people up at the house he
always seems rather out of it.

SCENE I

THE BREAD-WINNER

221

Dorothy Yes, I’ve noticed that Of course, he’s awfully
mce, but he’s not exactly what you’d call brilliant, is he?

Margery No, I’m afraid he isn’t, poor darling I suppose
one can’t have everything, and he’s just as much in love
with me to-day as the day we were married It’s rather
beastly of me to find fault with him

Dorothy That’s not finding fault One can’t be married to
a man all those years without knowing what he is and
what he isn’t,

Margery I shudder to think what would happen if he ever
suspected that for years now I haven’t cared for him, I
mean, really cared

Dorothy That’s one advantage we have, men don’t see
things

Margery Of course, I like him, you know, and I wouldn’t
do anything to wound him But I am an intelligent
woman, and I can’t help seeing he’s a bit of a bore

Dorothy If you don’t mind my saying so, darling, the fact
is, he has no sense of humour

Margery I know It’s tragic I’m going to say something
dreadful to you, Dorothy Have you ever asked yourself
what you’d do if you were a widow'*

Dorothy What woman hasn’t?

Margery Of course, I’d be dreadfully upset if anything
happened to poor Charlie I’d simply cry my eyes out,
and at first I’d miss him dreadfully

Dorothy That’s only natural I don’t know anyone who’s
got so much heart as you have

Margery But when once I’d got over the shock I believe
I’d be very happy, you know*

Dorothy* I’m sure you would With your fur hair you’d
look too lovely in mourning

Margery I’d never marry again* I think every woman
should marry, but once is enough

222

THE BREAD-WINNER

SCENE I

Dorothy Oh, I like having a man about the house I think
I’d be dreadfully lost without one

Margery Well, I have so many resources m myself It
would be lovely to be able to do exactly as you liked
without consulting anybody And having your own
friends And being free to run over to Pans or down to
the Riviera without thinking Of course Charlie can’t get
away and the poor old thing’ll be so lost without me
And then there’s one’s own self-development You
can’t really develop your personality properly when
you’re married

Dorothy Speaking of the Riviera, have you said anything
to Charlie about the summer^

Margery It’s rather difficult Charlie wants to go on the
river like we always do, so that he can go up to the city
when he wants to

Dorothy Why shouldn’t Alfred and Charlie go on the
nver together? It’s so silly of husbands and wives always
to take their holidays together It’s no change for either
of them

Margery It would be lovely for the children

Dorothy They wouldn’t interfere with us at all They’d be
bathing and boating all the time and they’re too young to
go into the Baccarat rooms. My dear, we’d have the
time of our lives

Margery It sounds too divine

Dorothy I saw some lovely pyjamas m Bond Street the
other day You know they wear pyjamas all day long in
summer

Margery I know I suppose it would be frightfully
expensive

Dorothy What ts the use of money if you don’t spend it?
And you can always tell Charlie it would be such an
education for the children

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 223

[Patrick appears , followed immediately by the others
Patrick I say. Mummy, it is disgraceful, the court wasn’t
marked out

Margery Oh, I am sorry

Patrick I’ve given the gardener hell He had the damned
cheek to say he hadn’t had any orders
Margery How stupid of him I know I meant to tell him
Patrick The moment my back is turned everything goes
wrong in this house
Margery Is he doing it now?

Patrick Yes, but it won’t be ready for a quarter of an hour
I don’t know why Judy couldn’t see about it What’s she
there for?

Judy You seem to think I have nothing to do I was fear-
fully busy this morning, and I forgot
Patrick Well, you shouldn’t forget
Margery Don’t be disagreeable the moment you get back,
darling There’s lots of time

Diana Let’s go and have a glass of lemonade Tim and I
are simply parched

Margery It’s in the dining-room You’ll find it on the
sideboard

Patrick I don’t know why we can’t have a hard court It’s
absurd to ask people to play on grass now

Timothy I’ve told Alfred that we absolutely must have one
at our place I mean, you can’t expect to improve your
game if you have to play on grass all the time

Patrick You might talk to father. Mummy After all, if
he wants us to live at home the least he can do is to pro-
vide m with the ordinary necessities of existence

Margery* It would be an awful expense
Timothy You can get a very decent hard court for about
four hundred pounds.

SCENE I

224 THE BREAD-WINNER

Patrick That’s nothing Daddy couldn’t jib at that He
hasn’t got anything to do with his money except spend it
on us

Margery That’s true

Diana How about this lemonade?

Judy Come on*

[A ring at the door is heard

Hullo, who’s that* Oh, God, I hope it’s not callers

Margery I said I wasn’t at home to anybody to-day

Patrick Fancy hying in a place where people pay calls
This ts the back of beyond all right

Margery Don’t be so silly, Pat There are a lot of very
intelligent people who live here, and it’s a treat when
they drop in for a chat over a cup of tea

[The front door ts opened , and a voice ts heard asking for
Mrs Battle

Dorothy Why, it’s Alfred,

Margery Open the door, Judy [As Judy does thts she
calls ] Alfred!

Alfred [Outside] Hullo, hullo, hullo

Margery Come in* Dorothy’s here.

[Alfred breezes in He ts a tall \ well set up, middle-aged
man , with a red face and a hearty, blustering, jovial
manner He laughs a great deal at everything be says

Alfred [Taking Margery’s band] Hullo, popsy-wopsy
[Seeing Patrick ] And look who’s here When did you
breeze in, old bean?

Patrick [Shaking hands with him ] I got back just before
lunch

Alfred Trust you for that And I bet you walloped into
the fatted calf.

Patrick [With hauteur,] I managed to swallow a morsel of
cold chicken.

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 42 5

Alfred And how does it feel to have left school for good,
eh, young-feller-me-lad?

Patrick Oh, all right

Alfred Best days of your life, you know, old boy And
when they’re gone they’re gone Can’t put the clock
back if you try till doomsday That’s the way of the
world Well, it’s not a bad old place if you have a front
seat and take care that no one diddles you out of it

Timothy You do talk the most footling rot, Alfred

Dorothy Tim, you mustn’t be so rude to your father

Alfred Let the little blighter say what he likes Respect be
damned Tim and I are a couple of pals, aren’t we, old
boy?

Timothy Rather I say, old cock, what about the hard
court? You said you’d think about it

Alfred It’s a devil of a lot of money

Timothy It’s not as if you couldn’t afford it Come on, old
bean, be a sport

Alfred [Beaming ] Well, if you put it like that. I’ll tell you
what I’ll do. I’ll give it my favourable consideration

Timothy Good.

Alfred And how are you, Judy, old gaP Bit on the quiet
side to-day, aren’t you?

Judy I don’t think so.

Alfred Love?

Judy No

Alfred When are you going to get married?

Judy I’m not thinking of getting married

Alfred And why not, if you please?

Judy Well, for one reason nobody’s asked me.

Alfred What? Why, my little early-girlie has three
proposals a week* Don’t you, Dinah?

226 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE I

Diana No, Alfred, I don’t

Alfred Don’t you believe her I know And when I say I
know, I know Paterfamilias But we can’t have little
Judy-pudy neglected [To Timothy] Come along,
young pie-face, you propose to her and then she can say
she’s turned down a blood

Timothy I’m not going to take a chance, like that, Alfred
Judy Owl

Dorothy Why have j ou left your office so early, Alfred^
Alfred A sudden desire to see my old Dolly-polly
Dorothy Don’t be funny, Alfred

Alfred I can’t help it, my dear I’ve tried, but it’s no
good It’s my nature But, joking apart, as a matter of'
fact I came along to see Charlie
Margery He’s not here He’s in the city

Alfred No, he isn’t At least I can’t get hold of him He
hasn’t been at his office all day

Margery That’s funny

Alfred No, it isn’t To tell you the truth I’m just a teeny-
weeny bit anxious

Margery [Surprised] Why 3
Alfred Hasn’t he told you anything ^ 3
Margery No, what^ Has something happened ^ 3

Alfred I suppose he thought if it came out all right there
was no use bothering you, and if it didn’t you’d know
quite soon enough

Margery But what is it*

Alfred Perhaps I oughtn’t to have said anything about it
Patrick Father hasn’t gone bust. Uncle Alfred?

Alfred I think you kiddie-widdies had better go out into
the garden, Dorothy, you stay

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 2*7

Patrick If anything’s the matter you may just as well tell us
too Mummy will anyway, the moment you’ve gone

Diana Come along, Tim We’ll go Shout when you’re
through

[Diana and Timothy go out into the garden

Margery This isn’t another of your jokes, Alfred?

Alfred I wish it were No, this is serious Did you happen
to notice that a fellow called Tommy Avon shot himself
last Friday?

Margery Yes Dreadful, wasn’t it? We knew him We
went to Ascot with him last year

Patrick Who was Tommy Avon?

Alfred He was very well known in the city He was one of
your father’s clients Good fellow and all that One of
the best But I’m afraid he’s let your governor down
badly

Margery But I always thought Charles had such a high-
class business He never went in for anything speculative

Alfred That’s why it’s such tough luck on him I flatter
myself I’m about as shrewd as they make ’em, and I
wouldn’t have hesitated to trust Tommy Avon with a
million if I’d had it

Judy But what’s actually happened?

Alfred You wouldn’t understand if I told you But the
long and short of it is that it’s settling-day to-day, and if
your father hasn’t been able to get his pals to come to the
rescue he’ll be hammered

Judy What does that mean?

Alfred Rum

Margery [With aery of dismay ] OhI What shall we do?

Dorothy Don’t give way. Marge It’s not certain yet

Alfred Luckily for him he’s got some very good friends
Of course, his whole private fortune will have to go in.

228

THE BREAD-WINNER

SCENE I

But if he’s able to raise a substantial sum outside he can
weather the storm

Patrick Shall we have to leave this house and give up the
car^

Alfred I don’t know about that If he pulls through I
daresay it won’t make much difference to his income
He’s got a very sound business and a very good re-
putation

Patrick Oh, then things aren’t as bad as all that

Alfred Except that all his savings are gone down the
drain

Margery Then if anything happened to him we’d be
penniless?

Patrick He’s as strong as a horse. Mummy I was only
telling Judy just now that I thought he’d probably live to
a hundred He’ll make another fortune all right

Margery But what does it depend on, his pulling through^

Alfred Well, to put it shortly, it depends on whether
Arthur Letter was willing to back him or not

Patrick Who’s Arthur Letter?

Alfred He’s the chairman of your father’s bank He was
to give your father his decision last night

Margery Oh, that’s why he only got in just in time to dress
for dinner. We were dining at the Savoy

Alfred How did he seem^

Margery Just about as usual,

Alfred He can’t have been quite the same as usual At that
moment it had just been decided whether he would have
to file his petition in bankruptcy or could start with more
or less of a clean slate.

Margery* I didn’t notice anything I was afraid we’d be
late for dinner,

Alfred How about this morning?

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 22 $

Margery I had breakfast in my room Judy and he had
breakfast together

Alfred Did he seem up or down?

Judy To tell you the truth I didn’t pay any attention I
always read The Mirror at breakfast

Alfred That’s a wash-out then He had an appointment
with me at ten, but he never kept it It was damned
important too That’s what puzzles me

Judy He left here about half-past nine

Margery Do you mean to say he hasn’t been at his office
all day?

Alfred No

Patrick [With a gospel say . .

[The thought occurs to them simultaneously that Charles
may have killed himself

Margery [With agitation] Oh, no, no, it’s impossible
He couldn’t do anything so cruel to me

Judy I wonder if he was rather strange this morning Oh,
Uncle Alfred, it would be too awful if while we were
eating kedgeree he was — he was making up his mind
to

Margery Judy, Judy* No. No He couldn’t do anything
so cowardly

Patrick. D’you think it’s possible. Uncle Alfred'* I say,
it woulct be rotten

Alfred Well, old boy, I don’t mind telling you that was
m my mind when I got here I tried to be hearty like
I always am, but between you and I and the gatepost
it was a bit of an effort I daresay you noticed it
Charlie’s the most punctilious fellow I’ve never known
him cut a date in my life.

Margery [Becoming a trifle hysterical *] No, no, no, no! I’m
so frightened*

SCENE I

23O THE BREAD-WINNER

Dorothy Darling, don’t After all, there’s no reason why
you should believe the worst at once
Margery But why wasn’t he at his office? On this day
when it was so essential^

Alfred If anything was to be saved from the wreck at all
Dorothy Perhaps he was knocked down by a taxi and is
lying unconscious in some hospital
Margery That wouldn’t be much consolation either
Patrick But can’t we do something?

Judy I think we ought to drag the Thames
Patrick You fool, one can’t drag the Thames
Judy Well, we can drag the ponds on the Heath
Margery Oh, don’t, don’t He’s so proud He’s so
sensitive I’ve got an awful fear that sooner than face
us and tell us he’s ruined he’s
Dorothy Don’t say it, Marge It’s so unlucky
Patrick Oughtn’t we to go to the police?

Alfred Not yet We should look such fools if he suddenly
turned up

Dorothy I’m all for telephoning round to the hospitals
Margery We must do something I shall go mad
Alfred If he doesn’t turn up to-mght, of course, we’ll get
in touch with the police-stations
Patrick Couldn’t we send out an S O S on the wireless?

It’s what people generally do when someone disappears
Judy That wouldn’t do much good if he’s lying at the
bottom of Whitestone Pond
Margery What a stigma on the children
Dorothy* Oh, darling, don’t make things out worse than
they are Alfred could always get the jury to bring in a
verdict of temporarily insane

Patricks Of course it may be that he’s only lost his memory
and he’ll turn up somewhere in a few days.

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 2$1

Judy Bournemouth That’s where they’re generally found

Dorothy But, Alfred, why can’t you ring up that man who
was going to back him? Then we shall know if Charlie
had any reason to do anything desperate or not

Alfred Arthur Letter^ It’s not so easy as all that to get
hold of the chairman of a great London bank I don’t
suppose he’d tell me anything if I did

Dorothy Well, you can try

Margery Please, Alfred I’m so terribly anxious

Alfred All right. I’ll see if he’ll speak to me He can’t
eat me

[He goes out

Margery The suspense is too awful

Patrick Did father go out in his top-hat this morning^

Margery Oh, Pat, don’t be so silly This isn’t the moment
to think of top-hats

Patrick I don’t agree with you I particularly want to
know

Judy I think so I should have noticed it if he hadn’t

Patrick Then he can’t have been meditating suicide when
he left this house

Margery Why not^

Patrick Mummy darling, no man in his senses would
commit suicide in a top-hat

Judy But if he was temporarily insane he wasn’t in his
senses

Patrick Don’t be idiotic, Judy What can you know
about men? A chap who was going to commit suicide
would naturally put on a cap or at the outside a bowler

Margery Oh, no, Pat, your father was always so par-
ticular He would never have gone out in a tail coat
uid a cap, whatever he was going to do Never Never

SCENE I

232 THE BREAD-WINNER

Patrick That’s what I say, if he went out m a topper he
hasn’t committed suicide

Judy I don’t see why not Supposing he jumped m the
river, he could always have left it on the tow-path

Patrick And have people come along and say, Hullo,
what’s a bran-new topper doing on the tow-path?

Dorothy What ts Alfred doing^

Margery Isn’t r awful to think that only a few minutes
ago we were all so happy We were talking of going
down to the Riviera for the summer We hadn’c a care
in the world And now this terrible thing has happened

Judy Life is like that

Patrick Oh, God, you are a gloom, Judy If you haven’t
got anything cheerful to say, for God’s sake shut up

Judy I don’t see any object in not facing facts I’m psychic
I’m absolutely convinced that Daddy’s lying at the
bottom of Whitestone Pond

[Alfred comes tn

Alfrfd Well, boys and girls, it’s all right Good news

Margery Alfred!

Alfred I just mentioned my name, and they put me
through to Sir Arthur at once I didn’t give anything
away. Trust your Unde Alfred for that He told me
he’d seen Charlie last night at his private house and in
consideration of Charlie’s personal character he’d agreed
to let him have enough money to meet all his obligations

Margery Oh, my dear, how awfully nice of him

Alfred When old Charhe-parlie left Sir Arthur’s sump-
tuous mansion, he had a whacking fat cheque in his
pocket

Margery What a relief!

Dorothy But why hasn’t he been at his office to-day?

Alfred Oh, ..that's a minor point* I suppose he’s been

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER *$$

tearing round and hadn’t any time He’ll tell u$ that
when we see him The great thing is that he’s weathered
the storm

Patrick Then we’re not ruined after all?

Alfred No Your father’s taken a toss, but he’s in the
saddle again, and there’s no reason why in a few years
he shouldn’t be where he was Of course, he’ll have to
work like blazes

Judy Daddy loves work That’s one thing

Alfred He’ll have to keep his nosy-posy to the grind-
stone

Patrick Oh, well, there’s no harm in that. At Daddy’s
age there’s nothing much for a chap to do except work

Margery I used to be sorry that he had no outside interests,
but as things have turned out, I daresay it’s all for the
best

Alfred You kiddie-widdies mustn’t be extravagant, you
know. For some time your father won’t have any spare
cash to throw about

Patrick I’ve thought of that I’m willing to do my bit
We shall have to make do with the family bus for a bit
longer, Judy old girl

Judy It is sickening, isn’t it? I suppose it can’t be helped
And we shan’t be able to have a hard court either

Margery Call the others in, Judy There’s no reason they
should stay out any longer

Judy All right [At tbs window ] Dinah, Timl Come jxx

Margery And then you’d better play tennis if you want to

Judy After all this excitement I couldn’t hit a ball

Alfred Are you going to play tennis? I’ll just nip over
the garden wall and change I don’t mind showing you
young things that there’s life in the old dog yet

[DiaIna and Timothy stroll tn.

SCENE I

254 THE BREAD-WINNER

Judy Oh, my dear, we've had such a thrill Daddy's
vanished and we all thought he'd committed suicide
And we were ruined and everything had to be sold,
and now it's all right and Daddy hasn't committed
suicide after all

Diana If you were going to tell us all about it, it seems
hardly worth while to have turned us out of the room

Judy I didn't want you to go It was grand Mummy was
in hysterics And Pat was keeping a stiff upper lip, and
I was being the brave little woman

Diana Do you mean to say it was all a false alarrcP

Timothy You know Alfred and his little jokes You
oughtn't to let him get away with them. He only gets
above himself

Alfred Now then, young feller-me-lad, not so much of
your lip We're not out of the blooming old wood yet

Patrick We're ruined all right

Judy But the only difference it’ll make is that Pat can't
have a car of his own, and we shall have to go on with
the old court until Daddy makes some more money

Timothy I say, that's a bit thick

Patrick If they can play on grass at Wimbledon I suppose
on a pinch we can too

Alfred That's the spirit, old bean. I'm jolly glad to see
that you're taking it like a sportsman.

Diana* And where's Uncle Charlie?

Patrick We don't know that

Margery We wish we did We wish to God we did

Judy- We think he's lost his memory and is sitting on a
bench at Bournemouth in a top-hat.

Patrick. He's much more likely to be at Southend,

SCENE I THE BREAD-WINNER 235

Margery Oh, no Even if your poor father had lost his
memory it would never occur to him to go to Southend,
[The door ts opened and Charles strolls amiably tn
He ts a man tn the early forties , quiet and of rather
distinguished appearance, he ts very neat tn hts Hack
coat and gey striped trousers He wears a top-bat
Margery Charlie!

THE CURTAIN FALLS

SCENE n

l De curtain rises All are present but Charles

Patrick If they can play on grass at Wimbledon, I suppose
on a pinch we can too

Alfred That’s the spint, old bean I’m jolly glad to see
that you’re taking it like a sportsman

Diana And where’s Uncle Charlie?

Patrick We don’t know that

Margery We wish we did We wish to God we did

Judy We think he’s lost his memory and is sitting on a
bench at Bournemouth in a top-hat

Patrick He’s much more likely to be at Southend

Margery Oh, no Even if your poor father had lost his
memory it would never occur to him to go to Southend
[Tie door ts opened , and Charles strolls amiably in

Margery Charlie!

Charles [Taking off bis bat ] Hullo

Margery [Much agitated ] Where have you been** Oh,
we’ve been so anxious It’s too bad of you

Charles What have I done?

Margery The suspense has been too awful

Charles [Coolly ] Why, what’s the matter? Hullo, Pat
Home for the holidays^

Patrick Hullo, Daddy

Charles STou look all right Had a nice time your last
term at school,

Patrick Yes, grand

230

SCENE H THE BREAD-WINNER 237

Charles How’s everybody^ Back from the city early,
Alfred? Don’t tell me you’re idling

Alfred I say, old boy, where the devil have you been?
I’ve been trying to get hold of you all day long

Charles P I’ve been for a walk on Hampstead Heath

Alfred A walk?

Margery All day>

Charles No, I found rather a jolly little pub and had lunch
there A cut off the joint and a bottle of beer Very
nice

Alfred Why didn’t you go to your office^

Judy We were sure you’d committed suicide

Patrick Judy wanted to have Whitestone Pond dragged

Margery We’ve been so frightfully anxious, Charlie

Charles I may be very dense, but I don’t quite understand
what you’re all talking about

Alfred Well, old boy, I had to tell them You see, you
didn’t keep your appointment with me, and you hadn’t
turned up at the office

Charles Oh, I see [Amiably ] Well, now you know, don’t

, y° u?

Patrick We know it’s all right. Daddy

Alfred They were all so upset they persuaded me to call
up Arthur Letter He told me what he’d done.

Charles Sporting of him, wasn’t lP

Judy Were you absolutely broke. Daddy?

Charles I couldn’t comply with my bargains.

Judy What does that mean?

Charles Well, when a broker can’t comply with his
bargains he’s hammered

Alfred And then he can’t trade any more

23& THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE II

Charles How are you, Dorothy? You’ve got a new hat on
Dorothy [Alluringly ] D’you like it? How clever of you to
notice

Alfred Look here, Charlie, we must have a talk Tim,
you and Dinah had better make yourselves scarce
Timothy All right

Patrick Sorry, old man I’m afraid tennis looks like being
a wash-out

Timothy Oh, that’s all right I know what these domestic
upsets are

Patrick It’s one of the penalties of having a family
Charles Why don’t you and Dinah go and have a knock-
up? Pat and Judy can join you presently
Timothy I don’t mind
Charles I shan’t keep them long
Timothy Oh, that’s all right There’s no hurry*

Charles [With a tinge of irony ] Thanks
Diana Come on, then

[Diana and Timothy saunter out
Dorothy Do you wish me to go, too?

Margery No, stay, Dorothy I’ve got a presentiment that
something is, rotten in the state of Denmark*

Alfred My dear. I’m afraid that this is no time for culture
Margery I know That is why I want Dorothy to stay
There are moments when a woman wants another
woman’s support

Alfred Where have you been all day, Charlie? I rang up
every place I could think of

Charles I told you I’ve been for a walk on Hampstead
Heath

Alfred" But you had an appointment to see me at ten*
Charles [Smiling] 1 can’t tell you how excruciatingly the
idea of seeing you at ten bored me.

SCENE n THE BREAD-WINNER 239

Alfred Thank you You made the appointment yourself
Margery "What did you do on the Heath^

Charles I walked I thought I admired the scenery
Alfred "When every minute was of vital importance?
Charles That, too, added to the charm of the prospect
Patrick I don’t wish to cast a gloom on the party, but it
sounds to me as though father were trying to be
facetious

Margery Don’t be silly, Pat You know your father isn’t
like that

Alfred [Shrewdly ] There’s more in this than meets the eye
I have no hesitation in saying that whatever
Charles It was a bad blow for me, you know, when
Tommy Avon shot himself [He makes this remark con-
versationally , with deliberation , but not as though be attached
great importance to what he was saying ]

Alfred It was the best thing he could do If he hadn’t
he’d have got fourteen years
Charles It cost me a packet

Alf red And you’re not the only one A lot of my clients
have been hit Damned scoundrel
Charles I was proud of my firm I took a harmless vanity
in the fact that my name stood so high on the Stock
Exchange It was a source of a good deal of satisfaction
to me to know that people pointed me out and said.
Good fellow, Charlie Battle, safe as the Bank of
England

Alfred That’s why Arthur letter was willing to help you
when you were up against it Character is the best asset
any man can have in the City
Charles When the crash came my first thought was to
save the firm I was prepared to sacrifice every bob I
Jbad to keep my head above water. By George, there
wasn’t a stone I left unturned

SCENE II

2^ THE BREAD-WINNER

Alfred You don’t have to tell me that No one could
have done more

Charles* And last night, at the eleventh hour, you might
say, I did the trick I was saved I don’t mind telling
you it was a relief

Alfred I’ll bet it was

Charles You know, this is settling-day It had been a
nightmare Last night I knew I could comply with my
bargains All my savings had to go down the dram,
but I didn’t care a damn The old firm was saved and
my reputation was all right Funny thing, honour, isn’t
it? And the importance we attach to it I suppose it’s
the force of habit

Judy You’ve been rather wonderful, Daddy No one could
have guessed anything particular was happening, could
they. Mummy?

Margery No, dear, I never dreamt anything was wrong

Charles I’m glad of that I was afraid I’d been a trifle
disagreeable

Judy [Quite pleasantly ] No, not more than usual

Charles I was in great spirits when I left the house this
morning You’d have thought I’d made a fortune
instead of lost one I walked to the tube as I’ve walked
every morning, more or less since I was demobbed
I nodded to one or two people I knew All going down
to the City just as I was I got to the station There
was the usual crowd hurrying in Suddenly my
heart sank

Judy Why?

Charles Well, my dear, you know, once or twice during
these last days it looked as though I couldn’t pull
through And as I lay awake at night turning things
over, I thought of what I’d do if I went broke I made
pretty elaborate plans It relieved me I didn’t see why

SCENE II

THE BREAD-WINNER

241

I shouldn’t make the best of a bad job Well, I weathered
the storm and I was in a position to start all over again
I could go on quite quietly to the end of my life doing
what I’d done every day for the last twelve years, going
down to the City and studying the markets, buying and
selling stock Suddenly it seemed to me that for me
rum meant life and liberty — and that tube, with all
those people hurrying to catch their tram, led to slavery
and death So I went for a stroll on Hampstead Heath

Margery But, Charlie, my dear, that was only nerves I
mean, that’s the sort of thing we’re all liable to since
the war All of us who went through that awful expens
ence bear its mark I know I do And I expect to bear
it always

Judy But, Mummy, you had the time of your life when
you were working in your canteens

Margery Oh, Judy, how can you say anything so beastly^
I was on my feet for hours on end I could never have
stood it except that I was determined to do my bit

Alfred You know, Judy old gal, you were only a baby
You don’t know what we went through during that
terrible time, and, please God, you never will know

Judy Well, I’ll tell you what I think Except when you
were actually under fire you had more fun than you’ve
ever had before or since My belief is that if there was
another war the greatest majority of you would just
jump back into it with a whoop

Alfred We answered the call when it came, and if it came
again we’d answer it again

Margery But not with a whoop, darling With death in
our hearts

Alfred Do you realise how great a sacrifice we made then?
And we made it for you

Patrick For us?

242 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE II

Alfred Yes, for you and Judy and Dinah and Tim For
your generation

Patrick You make me laugh Why, we're the sacrifice
you made

Judy And if you think we like it. Uncle Alfred, you’re
mistaken

Alfred Well, upon my word You were only just born
when it started I really can’t see that it affected you
much

Patrick Don’t you^ Whichever way we turn it’s there
facing us It’s been like a great weight round our necks
all our lives We have the right to live like every other
generation, and you’ve crabbed our pitch before we
start

Alfred But we didn’t want the war It was forced on us

Judy No, you didn’t want the war You just muddied
into it, and then you muddled through it, and then you
muddled out of it You muddled your lives and you’ve
muddled ours

Margery That’s so ungrateful, Judy You’ve always had
the best of everything I’m sure no one could have had
better chances than you’ve had

Patrick But you don’t understand. Mother All our lives
we’ve been surrounded by depression and anxiety, and,
of course, it’s had its effect on us You’ve sapped our
vitality You’ve made a mess of the world and you’ve
taken away our power to put it right

Judy If a man can’t get a job, it’s the war If he’s slack and
incompetent, it’s the war If he forges a cheque or
commits bigamy, it’s the war If the roads are bad and
the trains rotten, it’s the war If we’re crippled with
debts and taxes, it’s the war

Alfred Everyone knows it left behind it a long train of
problems and difficulties We’ve got to face that

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER «43

Judy But why should me? Why should we suffer for your
stupidity^

Charles You know, there’s some truth in what the child
says about the war We weren’t always frightened, we
weren’t always cold, we weren’t always hungry There
were times when it was no end of a lark

Alfred To me it was unmitigated horror

Charles Oh, come off it We talk a lot of bunk to the
younger generation in order to show them what stern
stuff we’re made of, but, damn their eyes, they don’t
believe us Let’s face it You loved being a temporary
gent A good deal of authority and no responsibility
to speak of There were long periods when one could
be thoroughly idle without one’s conscience reproaching
one And there was a lot of excitement All I got out
of the war was pneumonia, a wound in the hip, a cracked
skull and a temporary captaincy But it’s an experience
I wouldn’t have missed

Margery It’s a miracle that you returned at all

Judy Wasn’t it an awful let-down when you came back,
Daddy^

Charles You know, I got a lot of fun out of thinking I
was alive I was thirty I said to myself. Well, I’ve
lost the five best years of my youth, but it’s no good
grousing, let me make the best of what remains That
was twelve years ago And now my youth has gone

Alfred No one can say you haven’t made good use of it
Like a great many others at the end of the war you
had to start again at the beginning You haven’t done
so badly You’ve had a nice house and a car and you’ve
kept your wife in the sort of way your position required
You’ve sent your children to first-rate schools You had
saved a bit of money

Charles Fifty thousand pounds, roughly.

SCENE II

244 THE BREAD-WINNER

Alfred It’s true that through no fault of your own that’s
gone, but all the rest remains You’ve still got your
position and you can make more money I don’t think
you’ve got much to complain of

Charles [ELeflectmly ] Of course, it’s not out of his solid
clients that a broker makes his money He makes it
out of the speculator Whether he’s a gambler who
wants a flutter for the excitement of it, or a fool who
f hi nics he can make money without working for it, the
result is always the same It’s only a question of time
before the whole of his money finds its way into the
broker’s pocket

Alfred That’s the speculator’s look-out

Charles Of course But sometimes I couldn’t help asking
myself if it was to spend my life so tamely that I’d
escaped death a score of times by a hair’s-breadth

Patrick I shouldn’t have thought it was tame

Charles You’ve never been in the Stock Exchange, have
you^ Pity I didn’t take you in one day It would have
interested you

Judy I thought strangers couldn’t get in

Charles No, they’re not allowed, and if they’re caught
they must expect to be hustled a bit They’ll probably
want a new hat

Alfred You could have smuggled him m as one of your
clerks No one would have taken any notice of him
It’s an amazing sight

Charles It’s indescribable There’s a hell of a row, you
know

Alfred Deafening

Charles Everyone’s yelling at the top of his voice, and
men are rushing about like mad I must say, at first
there’s something rather exhilarating about it, That
frantic activity does give you a thrilling sensation of life

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER 245

Alfred By Jove, it does

Charles YouVe never heard a man hammered, have you,
Alfred?

Alfred No, I haven’t

Charles It’s impressive At three o’clock, for instance, as
the hour strikes [The clock in the drawing-room strikes
three ] Just as that clock is striking now, the two waiters
appear on the stands and take off their hats, as if to a
corpse, They beat with a wooden mallet three times
Fellows look up and that deafening row stops Suddenly,
as though it had been cut with a knife And it’s so still
you really could hear a pin drop However often you’ve
heard it, the sound of that mallet ringing through the
deathly silence is frightening The waiter at the Consol
Market end reads out a notice, and the waiter at the
Mining Market end repeats it “Gentlemen, Mr Charles
Laurence Battle, trading as Wargrave, Battle & Co , is
unable to comply with his bargains ” They read in a
loud, hoarse voice, without any expression in it, they’ve
read the same sort of things so often, and then they
shuffle off the stands There’s a moment’s pause, and
however hardened you are, there’s something tragic in
it They’re good fellows on the Stock Exchange most
of them, and a bit sentimental, and it gives one a pang
to think someone’s beaten It may have been just bad
luck It may have been that one bit off more than one
could chew If you’re up, you can afford to be sorry
for the man who’s down, and if you’re shaky, you
wonder if it’ll be your turn next Yes, just for a moment
dismay fills every heart, and then, before you can say
Jack Robinsog, as suddenly as the row stopped, the row
begins again Pandemonium Charles Laurence Battle*
trading as Wargrave, Battle & Co , is forgotten The
world has passed him by

[Suddenly there is a ring on the telephone in the balL

THE BREAD-WINNER

SCENE II

246

Margery See who it is, Judy

Charles if it’s anyone for me I’m not at home Nevermind
how urgent*

Judy: All right.

[She goes out

Alfred Well, old boy, Fm glad you’ve escaped that It’s
true you’ve lost a packet, but you’ll make it again While
there’s life there’s hope

Dorothy Have you been terribly anxious all these days,
Charlie^

Charles I have a bit

Margery Why didn’t you tell me?

Charles Oh, my dear, there didn’t seem any object in
worrying you

[Judy comes tn agatn

Judy It’s Mr Turner He wants awfully to speak to you.
Daddy, and when I said you were out he seemed all
fussed and bothered

Charles That’s nice of him I hope you lied like my own
daughter

Judy He asked me if I knew where he could get hold of
Unde Alfred, and I told him he was here He’s holding
the line*

Alfred I wonder what he wants me for?

Dorothy You’d better go and see, Alfred

[Alfred gets up and goes out *

Margery Will this interfere with our summer holiday,
Charlie ? %

Dorothy* Marge and I -were thinking it would be so good
for the children if we went down to the Riviera for a
change

Margery I like the over, but I do realise that it would be

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER 247

much more of an education for them to take them to
France And everyone’s going to Antibes now
Judy Oh, Mummy, that would be too divine And Tim
and Dinah too^

Dorothy Well, I haven’t spoken to Alfred about it yet
Your mother and I have been putting our heads
together

Margery Of course, before all this happened
Dorothy [To Judy ] I suppose your father couldn’t get away,
but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind your going We’d go
to some cheap pension, and really I don’t suppose it
would be any more expensive than staying in England

Margery Naturally we’d have to be frightfully economical
Judy Oh, Daddy, do say yes It would be awful fun
Wouldn’t it, Pat^

Patrick Not so dusty.

[Alfred, distraught , hursts into the room
Alfred Charlie, he says you’re hammered
Charles [Coolly ] Well, what of it^

Alfred He’s frightfully upset He said he understood
everything had been arranged Charlie, it’s not true,
is it?

Charles [Sardonically ] Yes, my boy, the waiter went
knocky-knocky with his little mallet and poor old
Charlie-parlie was blown sky high
Alfred It’s not true, Cha r lie You don’t know what
you’re saying For God’s sake pull yourself together,
old bean

Margery Oh, Chatbe, what has happened?

Alfred [Emphatically ] What do you mean, Charlie?
Charles Only that at the very moment that I was so
dramatically describing to you what happens when a
man is hammered on the Stock Exchange, I was actually

24? THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE n

being hammered Don’t you remember, I called your
attention to the clock striking three^

Patrick I hate these cheap theatrical effects
Charles I have a simple mind They get me every time
Judy If one didn’t know Daddy had no sense of humour
one would think he’d just been pulling our leg
Charles You see, as three o’clock approached and I knew
what was going to happen, I felt a trifle lonely on
Hampstead Heath I suddenly craved for the society
of my fellows

Margery I can’t believe it It’s so fantastic
Charles They say that when the dying buffalo feels his end
approaching, he leaves his herd and retires into solitude
In that respect I am unlike the dying buffalo
Alfred It’s not often I’m puzzled But I am now, and I
don’t mind admitting it You could have complied with
your bargains perfectly well
Charles I didn’t choose to

Alfred You had Arthur Letter’s cheque in your pocket
Charles I have it still. [He takes a cheque out of his pocket
and hands it to Alfred ] Perhaps you wouldn’t mind
sending it back to him and telling him that I made up
my mind not to avail myself of his kindness
Alfred There’s more in this than meets the eye I have
no hesitation in saying that
Margery But then we’re ruined
Dorothy Oh, Margery, how awful!

Alfred You cut along, Dorothy
Dorothy AU right [To Margery ] I’ll be in the garden
in case you want me, dear*

Margery All right, dear

[Dorothy goes out .

Judy D'you want us to go. Uncle Alfred?

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER 249

Charles Oh, I think you'd better stay I have one or two
things to say that a good deal concern you

Patrick But if you're hammered we're in the soup. Daddy

Charles Up to the neck, my boy

Patrick I don't know what there is to be so damned
cheerful about.

Alfred Neither do I, believe me Your father has let
himself be hammered when he actually had in his pocket
the means of saving himself

Patrick But what's the big ldea^

Alfred Of course, he'd had a knock But he isn't the only
one Why, I know brokers who've made and lost half
a dozen fortunes in their time On the Stock Exchange
you have to take the rough with the smooth

Patrick That's when a fellow shows his gnt, when he's
down and out

Charles [With a smile in bis eyes] True, my son You're
presently going to have an opportunity of showing
yours

Alfred But how did you have the heart to let an old-
established business like yours go to blazes^

Charles I steeled it I don't deny that when the clock
struck three just now it gave me a funny little feeling
in the pit of my stomach

Margery Your poor father was so proud of the business,
Charlie He always said there wasn't a more respectable
firm in the city of London

Alfred What are you going to do now?

Charles [Casualty ] I'm going abroad

Margery [In sudden agitation] Charlie, you haven't done
anything dreadful? They're not going to issue a
warrant^

Charles No, no, my dear However dishonourable my

250 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE II

conduct may be, I have done nothing that the law can
take exception to

Margery* [Helplessly ] One never knows with brokers. It’s
such a funny profession

Alfred My God, this is a pretty kettle of fish For good-
ness* sake, explain yourself, Charlie A man doesn’t
commit suicide for fun

Charles The explanation is very simple This morning I
came to the conclusion that it wasn’t worth it

Alfred What^

Charles This life I’ve been leading For twelve mortal
years I’ve been going down to the Qty in the same tube*
I’ve spent the day buying and selling shares, for twelve
mortal years I’ve come home every evening in the same
tube And the world was rolling on and on I’m fed
up Fed to the teeth I’m not going to be the drudge
of respectability any longer I’m through Look [He
takes bsghstemng topper ] Here is the badge of my office
This is the symbol of my position and my respectability
Sleek, shining, new and rakish Look at it It represents
the potentiality of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice
To hell with it [He fltngs tt doom on the floor , stamps on
it and kecks tt away from him ]

Margery Charlie, Charlie, Charlie And you who were
always so particular about your hats. Oh, what is going
to become of us now^

Patrick Are you obliged to be so melodramatic, father?

Charles In moments of emotion we’re all apt to fall into
it, my dear boy,

Judy And what about us, Daddy?

Charles I’m going to leave you,

Patrick, How long for?

Charles For good.

Patrick, [With the utmost surprise ] Whvi

SCENE H THE BREAD - VINNER Z$t

Charles [Very naturally ] Because Pm bored with you

Patrick Bored with us* Bored with me and Judy*

Charles Yes, bored with you and Judy Aren't you bored
with me*

Patrick That's different You're our father

Charles How is it different*

Patrick People are always rather bored with their parents*
That's human nature

Charles Is it*

Patrick After all, they belong to a different generation*
The middle-aged are naturally tedious

Charles [Smthng ] Has it never struck you that the middle-
aged find the young tedious too?

Patrick It certainly hasn't

Charles They do

Patrick But why? They're not tedious

Charles Oh, aren't they?

Patrick How can they be* They’ve got youth and high
spirits. They're brimming over with ideas Aren't they.
Mummy*

Margery Yes, darling, of course

Patrick It's absurd to say that Judy and I are boring
What would this house be without us* A mausoleum
At meals we're the life and soul of the party Aren't we,
Judy*

Judy Rather

Patrick* Ask anyone you like and they'll all tell you the
same thing* We've got the reputation all over the place
for being unusually brilliant* If you find us boring it
can only be on account of your own stupidity

Margery Oh, that is rude, Pat* You shouldn't talk to your
father like that

SCENE II

2J2 THE BREAD-WINNER

Patrick: He asked for it, and, damn it all* what other
explanation is there^

Margery I don’t know, darling

Patrick It’s so ungrateful

Charles I don’t suppose you’re more boring than most
young things of your age I daresay it’s only because
I know you better that you bore me more

Patrick But isn’t youth enough in itselP You can’t be so
unintelligent as not to realise that nowadays the only
thing that counts is youth And it’s because we’ve
discovered that, that our generation is so much ahead
of every other You know what I mean, Judy, don’t
you^

Judy Of course I do In Daddy’s time when they were
young they just wanted to be older

Patrick That’s right And we don’t We’re young and we
want to enjoy our youth For the first time m the world’s
history we’ve realised the immense value of it

Margery Of course, it’s lovely to be young

Patrick Your lives would be nothing without us Think
of the exhilaration we bring and the vitality and go
I mean, to say we’re boring is perfectly outrageous I
don’t want to blow my own trumpet, but I can honestly
say that’s the last thing anyone could call Judy, and I
think I can safely say that she’d say the same abput me

Judy Absolutely

Charles [Amtablj ] I wonder if it has ever occurred to
you how tiresome the conversation of the young is to
the middle-aged Chatter, chatter, chatter about nothing
at all Just to hear yourselves speak And you take
yourselves with such appalling seriousness You know
nothing, and you haven’t the sense to hold your tongues
You utter the most obvious commonplace with the air
of having made a world-shaking discovery You’re so

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER *55

solemn You’re so self-satisfied You’re so dogmatic
You’re mane The only excuse for you is that you’re
very young One tries to have patience with you But,
my God, don’t think we find you amusing We find
you quite incredibly dull

[Judy gives a smothered chuckle

Patrick Shut up, Judy This is no laughin£ matter I
can tell you this. Daddy, this is the last tirr e 1 take any
trouble to be gay and jolly and amusing m this house
God knows, it’s been an uphill job, but I’ve done my
best I’ve just sweated my guts out But now I’m
through, definitely and absolutely through
Judy But have you no affection for us, Daddy^

Charles No, I haven’t

Margery Oh, Charlie, what a cruel thing to say How can
\ou help loving your children^

Charles I rather liked them when they were kids, but now
they’re grown up I don’t find them very interesting
Patrick [Outraged ] But that’s simply unnatural
Charles D’youthinkitis? I don’t Of course, when they’re
small one’s fond of one’s children One likes them as
one likes puppies or kittens They’re dependent on you,
and that’s rather touching They think you’re very
marvellous, and that’s rather flattering But almost
before you know where you are, they’re young men and
women with characters of their own They’re not part
of you any more They’re individuals They’re strangers
Why should you care for them' 1
Patrick* Do you mean to say that Judy and I mean no
more to you than if we were puppies or kittens^

Charles No, I mean that you don’t mean very much more
to me than puppies mean to their father when they’re
grown into fine healthy young dogs
Judy But you’d be sorry w if we died. Daddy?

SCENE n

Z54 t'he bread-winner

Charles Wretched I’ve been frightfully worried when
either of you has been ill I was devoted to you then
Perhaps it’s unfortunate that on the whole you’ve both
had robust health

Patrick You can hardly expect us to have a series of ill-
nesses just to excite your parental affection
Charles You’re right, Pat I should certainly congratulate
myself oa the excellent physique I was able to endow
you with

Patrick I should have thought you’d be so proud of us
I’ve always been in the first five in all my forms, and
I was head of my house I was captain of the first eleven,
and in the first fifteen Any unprejudiced person would
say I was rather a credit to you
Charles You know, to be proud of one’s children is really
and truly only to be proud of oneself I’m not a vain

triq n

Patrick Well, I’m dished
Charles Do you care very much for me, PatP
Margery Of course he does, Charlie I’ve never known
two more affectionate children
Charles Let him answer for himself,

Patrick I don’t know what you mean I like you as a chap
naturally likes his father You’re not going about it
exactly the right way to make me crazy about you
Charles I suppose if I died you’d cry a bit That would
be nice of you and very proper But I’m all alive and
kicking Don’t you find me rather a nuisance^ Don’t
you resent having to come to me for money, and my
wanting to know how you’re going to spend n?
Patrick. Well, naturally, any fellow of my age wants to be
his own master

Charles Hasn’t it ever struck you that it would he grand
to have a flat of your own?

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER

Patrick I don’t see what that’s got to do with it,

Charles It doesn’t suggest that you find the family circle
precisely thrilling

Patrick But you can’t alter the facts of life It’s human
nature that parents should be frightfully fond of their
children But they can’t expect their children to be
frightfully fond of them

Margery Oh, Pat

Patrick Well, ask Uncle Alfred He’s a man of the world
He doesn’t expect Tim and Dinah to be as keen on him
as he is on them.

Alfred There you’re very much mistaken, young feller-
me-lad I flatter myself that there’s nowhere in this
country a more united family than ours But then I
admit my kiddie-widdies weren’t brought up as you
were Dorothy and I have made fnends of our children
That’s why we’ve always made them call us by our first
names Our family life is just a grand lark You know
how we chaff one another They look upon me as their
great big brother* Why, they just roar with laughter
at my jokes

[Patrick and Judy exchange a look

Charles I’ve come to the conclusion that such clever and
intelligent children as you are can get along quite
comfortably without me And as that suits my con-
venience, I’m going to give you the opportunity of
doing so

Patrick But how are we to hve> It means that Judy will
just have to go on the streets

Judy Don’t be so silly, Pat You boys are so ignorant

Patrick Well, if father leaves us without a bob, there’s
nothing else you can do

Judy Don’t you know that since the war the amateurs have
entirely driven the professionals out of business? No
girl can make a decent living now by prostitution

SCENE II

256 THE BREAD-WINNER

Margery Judy, Judy, what are you talking about? Really,
a girl of your age I don’t know what the world is
coming to

Patrick How am I to go up to Cambridge and read for
the Bar*

Charles Are you still proposing to enter Parliament in
the Labour interest?

Patrick That’s the idea ultimately, of course

Charles Don’t you think the Labour Party are beginning
to fight a tnfle shy of the people like you, who only
joined them when it looked like a good thing, and now
grab all the plums?

Patrick They want people of our class

Charles Have you ever reflected upon St PauP He was
a tent-maker, you know He got a lot of kudos out
of it

Patrick Damn it all. Father, we’re talking seriously now,
don’t bring in religion

Charles You know, I believe it would pay you to become
a working man A stoker, for instance, or a dustman

Patrick Me?

Charles Get to know the proletariat from the inside, my
dear boy, and when you’re all fighting for the spoils of
office you’ll have the bulge over the Eton boy and the
Oxford graduate

Alfred You’re talking through your hat, Charlie It’s just
when children are growing up and entering the world
that they need a father’s guidance You can’t leave them
in the lurch like that

Charles Oh, can’t I? You wait and see

Alfred Penniless?

Charles No, not exactly penniless That would require
more fortitude than I possess.

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER 257

Patrick But haven’t you lost everything^

Margery Most brokers have something tucked away some-
where, Pat, that their creditors can’t get at
Charles I’m afraid I haven’t Until to-day I’ve been what
I can only describe as the soul of honour
Patrick Well, then, you haven’t a bob
Charles In order to comply with my bargains, I should
have had to throw into the hole my private fortune
But I’m hammered I happen to have twenty thousand
pounds worth of bonds in a New York bank
Patrick Oh!

Charles I must tell you that in honour I should hand it
over to my creditors They have a moral right to it
Alfred I’m afraid they have

Charles You see, my solicitor agrees with me There is
no doubt in my mind that to keep it is a most ungentle-
manly proceeding I propose, however, to do so
Alfred Oh, Charlie, you can’t.

Charles Legally^

Alfred Legally, of course you can But not morally I
mean, it would be frightfully bad form Your friends
will think you a dirty dog

Charles And with justice But after mature reflection I’ve
come to the conclusion that that won’t impair my
appetite or disturb my night’s rest

[Judy again gives a little laugh

Margery Don’t giggle, Judy This is frightfully serious
Your father’s honour is at stake
Charles There are two courses open to me The twenty
thousand pounds I’ve saved from the wreck will bring
in roughly about a thousand a year I can keep that for
myself, and subsist modestly on the income But I th-my
it would be rather selfish

SCENE II

258 THE BREAD-WINNER

Margery My poor children. They can’t beg their bread
in the streets of London

Charles I have a very sensitive conscience, and Fm not
quite sure that I should be entirely happy if at moments
the thought crossed my mind that my wife and children
were in want

[Margery gives a start and looks at him wtth perplexity
and consternation

Margery But Charlie ♦ .

C harles [Interrupting her ] The other course is to hand the
entire amount to them and go out into the world alone
and destitute The gesture would be romantic, but to
my mind absurd I propose, therefore, to leave you
fifteen thousand pounds and keep five thousand for
myself The income from that will always prevent me
from starving

Margery But aren’t I to come with you^

Charles Oh, no, dear, that would be an awful bore for
you

Margery [Gasping ] OhI It never occurred to me for a
moment you meant that

Charles Didn’t it? I thought I made it quite clear

Margery It never dawned on me Was it clear to you,
Alfred?

Alfred Don’t ask me, Margery I don’t know if I’m
standing on my head or my heels,

Margery But I don’t understand It’s the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard in my life You can’t tell your wife
that you’re going to leave her just like that, in the course
of conversation. Without a row or a scene or anything
Like a chauffeur giving notice because he wants to
better himself. *

Charles No, not hkc that lake* an old family retamer

SCENE n THE BREAD-WINNER *59

breaking it gently to his employers that advancing years
oblige him to take a well-earned rest

Margery Oh, it's absurd You’ve got no reason to leave
me and the children.

Charles I’ve been a husband and a father long enough
I think one should always abandon an occupation when
it has ceased to be a source of pleasure and profit

Margery But do I bore you, Charlie^

Charles A bit No, that’s a he. To extinction

Margery He’s not sane, Alfred

Alfred Well, that’s what I’ve been thinking myself My
belief is, Charlie, that you’re completely potty

Charles Don’t you think I’d know if I were^

Margery Even their nearest and dearest don’t know some-
times Thank God, it’s never been m my family [A
nng on the telephone ts heard ] Oh, bother!

Charles See who it is, Pat If it’s anyone for me I’m out

[Patrick goes without a word

Margery- I thought you meant me to come with you I
thought your idea was that we should settle down in
some place in France or Italy where we could live cheaply
and play golf

Charles You’d have hated that, Margery

Margery I shouldn’t have liked it, but I am you r wife
and if I’d really thought it my duty I’d have consented
And, of course, we might have got to know some very
nice people

Charles I would never dream of asking you to make such
a sacrifice

[Patrick comes m

Patrick It’s Mr Turner. I told him you were here, and
he’s holding on.

SCENE II

z6o THE BREAD-WINNER

Charles Oh, damn!

[He goes out quickly

Margery Oh, Alfred, what shall we dcP
Alfred Well, my dear, I think you’d better let me have
a talk to Charles alone I’m used to dealing with matters
of this sort, and my experience is that it’s much better
for a friend of both parties to step in before anything
irreparable is said on either side
Margery I’m so flabbergasted, Alfred I mean, it’s so
strange that Charlie should turn after all these years
Judy Come on, Mummy If Uncle Alfred wants us to get
out we’d better nip before Daddy comes back
Alfred I’m sure it’s wiser I can find out exactly how the
land lies

Margery If he’d made a point of my going with him I
should have said to him, Charlie, I am not only a wife,
but a mother I cannot leave my children And if you
feel that I mean nothing to you any more, then you must
go And we might have arranged an amicable separa-
tion But if he doesn’t want me, the situation is entirely
different

Alfred At the first glance I don’t quite see how
Margery It’s obvious I won’t let myself be treated like
that for a moment I have my woman’s dignity to
think of

Alfred Oh, yes, of course I’d forgotten that Now you
popoffski, my dear
Margery Very well

Patrick Of course, I think he’s off his chump I mean,
to say that we’re dull, why it doesn’t begin to have
any sense

Margery I wonder if It would be wise to send for a doctor
[To Judy ] Give me your father’s hat, darling
Judy [Picking it up J Here you are

SCENE n THE BREAD-WINNER 2&1

Margery [Pressing it to her bosom ] It’s like a poor little
baby brutally done to death It reminds me of those
Armenian folk-songs

[They go out> leaving Alfred done Charles
re-enters

Charles Hullo, where are the others?

Alfred I packed them off I wanted to have a word with
you alone

Charles That was Bertie Turner on the ’phone

Alfred What did he want?

Charles [With a little smile ] H’m Good chap He and
some of the lads have got together and they’ve offered
to put up all the money to settle so that I can get back
into the House

Alfred By jingo!

Charles J C was a good judge of character, wasn’t he>
It’s so much harder to resist kindness than brute force

Alfred [Eagerly ] Have you accepted?

Charles No, I couldn’t But I was so shaken I had to be
a bit short with him I told him to mind his own
damned business and rang off

Alfred Oh, Charlie, how could you be such a damned!
fool?

Charles Don’t nag me now, Alfred I’m a bit shattered

Alfred I’m not going to nag you, old boy But now that
we’re alone, let’s get down to brass tacks Gloves off
and cards on the table, and all that sort of thing What’s
the little game?

Charles [Recovering himself \ I wonder what you’re talking
about now, Alfred?

Alfred [Very hearty ] Go on with you, Charlie Now you
tell your Unde Alfred the truth There’s a woman
in this Deny it if you cam

2 6z THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE II

Charles I do

Alfred You can’t throw dust in Uncle Alfred’s eyes like
that Uncle Alfred wasn’t bom yesterday If you’ve let
your business go to old billy-o and you’re leaving your
wife and family, it’s for a woman or I’ll eat my hat

Charles [Good-naturedly ] Eat it then.

Alfred Oh, come off it You can trust an old fnend.
Fm a man of the world I know you’ve been
married nineteen years A chap wants a change ndw
and then I’m not going to blame you if you’ve got
stuck on a little bit Have your fun if you want to Life
is short and we’re dead a long time But be reasonable
about it One doesn’t break up a happy home for a little
bit of fluff I mean Well, you know what I mean The
game isn’t worth the candle Don’t do it, old boy, don’t
do it

Charles My dear Alfred, you know more about little bits
of fluff than I do

Alfred [Archly ] My business brings me in contact with
them now and then And I’m human But I never let
them interfere with my home life No, sir

Charles Have you ever met a little bit of fluff who was
prepared to share the life of a middle-aged man with
two hundred and fifty pounds a year?

Alfred I wondered at the time if Margery hadn’t hit the
nail on the head when she hinted that you had a tidy
little sum tucked away somewhere.

Charles Not a bob

Alfred Do you mean to teU me that you expect to live on
five quid a week?

Charles It’s ( enough to provide me with the necessities
of existence The good thmg about luxury is that when
you’ve had it, you can so very easily do without it If
I’d never had a car I should always have hankered after

aCENE n THE BREAD-WINNER z6$

one I’ve had one for twenty years, and now Fm
perfectly 'willing to walk on my flat feet But I don't
want to waste my time on work whose only object is
to keep body and soul together

Alfred Well, if you're not going off with a woman Fm
blowed if I see why you are going off?

Charles Fm not prepared to waste the rest of my life
doing things that bore me for people in whom I take
no interest I hanker after my own company You see,
I think IVe done all that I’m called upon to do for those
dependent on me I want the future for myself

Alfred What are you going to do with it?

Charles I haven’t a notion Fm going to see

Alfred You must have some idea at the back of your
head

Charles I have only one life When I look back and think
of all the fellows who were killed in the war, I think
I’d like to make more use of it than just buy and sell
shares and make or lose a fortune

Alfred Oh, my dear boy, you’re just talking through your
hat We hear a lot about women leading their own lives
I think it’s all tommy-rot myself, but there it is, and
we’ve got to put up with it But whoever heard of a
man leading his own life? It’s not done

Charles Don’t you think it’s rather a pretty compliment
we pay the other sex if we sometimes take a leaf out
of their book?

Alfred* Do you think I don’t get a bit restless sometimes?
Dorothy’s the best woman m the world, but now and
again she’s rather tiresome Women are, you know.
And sometimes on Monday morning I don’t much want
to go down to the office. But I say to myself, now then,
Algy-palfy, this won’t do, you know, shoulder to the
wheel, old boy.

THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE II

Charles And your reward is the esteem of your wiie and
the respect of your fellow-citizens

Alfred What do you suppose would happen to society
if everybody behaved like you? I mean, it would be
the end of progress and civilisation and the whole bag
of tricks

Charles I think it’s very silly to say that you should only
do the things that you think everyone else should do
The great majority are quite content to travel in the
same old rut from the cradle to the grave Well, let
them I don’t blame them

Alfred It’s such madness to change your whole way of
life and break up your home on a moment’s impulse
You’ve only thought about it for a few hours

Charles I’ve only thought about it for a few hours with
my head I’ve thought about it for twelve years with
my belly

Alfred You’ll regret it You’ll never stop regretting it

Charles One has to take that risk Who’d marry if he
was afraid he’d regret it later? What is life, old boy,
but a leap in the dark?

Alfred You’ll never be happy, you know

Charles I don’t see why not I have a capacity for enjoy-
ment, a placid disposition and an absence of wants
[Dorothy comes to tie garden window and looks tn

Dorothy I’m sorry to interrupt you Margery wants to
know what is happening

Charles Come in Alfred and I have been having a little
chat, but we’ve finished

Alfred* Has Margery told you?

Dorothy* Yes, Can she come now?

Charles* I shall be ready in a few minutes I’m just going
upstairs to change and pack.

SCENE II THE BREAD-WINNER z 6 j

Dorothy [Taken aback ] You’re not going now?

Charles Yes When you’ve made up your mind to do a
thing it’s only a waste of time not to do it quickly
Alfred But you can’t go to-day, Charlie
Charles Why not^ I’m only taking a handbag
Alfred Your affairs are in a god-awful mess There are
a thousand things to arrange

Charles Nothing that I can’t leave in your hands, Alfred
You’re a highly competent solicitor
Alfred It looks so damned fishy, your running away like
this I mean, there’s sure to be a bit of a rumpus It’s
only decent for you to stay and face the music
Charles [Gaily ] I don’t agree with you at all I think it’s
much more elegant to slip out quietly through the
artists’ entrance

[Charles goes quickly and
the curtain falls

SCENE in

When the curtain rises Charles, Alfred and Dorothy are
discovered

Alfred But you can’t go to-day, Charlie

Charles Why noP I’m only taking a handbag

Alfred Your affairs are in a god-awful mess There are
a thousand things to arrange

Charles Nothing that I can’t leave in your hands, Alfred
You’re a highly competent solicitor

Alfred It looks so damned fishy, your running away like
this I mean, there’s bound to be a bit of a rumpus
It’s only decent for you to stay and face the music

Charles [Gaily ] I don’t agree with you at all I think it’s
much more elegant to slip out through the artists’
entrance

[Charles goes out quickly

Dorothy Can you make head or tail of it, Alfred^

Alfred I think I know a thing or two about human
nature, and I’m convinced there’s a woman in it

Dorothy [With a quick look at him ] Have you told him
that?

Alfred Yes He denies it

Dorothy [Smiling a little ] Of course, he’d do that

Alfred How have he and Margery been getting on lately?

Dorothy Oh, all right, like they always have Of course,
she had her own interests and he was in the City all
day. 1^ shouldn’t call either of them very passionate
people.*

«66

SCENE III THE BREAD-WINNER 267

Alfred Well, just the ordinary typical married couple, I
suppose I don’t see that either of them had any thing
to complain of

Dorothy I shouldn’t have thought so.

Alfred Has he been going about with anybody-*
Dorothy I haven’t heard of it*

Alfred You’d better ask Margery If a man’s in love with
somebody else, his wife generally has some suspicion
Dorothy I’m sure if she had, she’d have told me* We tell
one another everything

Alfred If a fellow is prepared to chuck everything, his
business and his family and the whole bag of tricks, it
must be for some reason

Dorothy Oh, yes, I don’t suppose he’d do it just for fun
Alfred I’ve been a solicitor for a good many years, and
my experience is that there are only two things that
matter to a normal man One’s money, and the other’s
women

Dorothy If anyone knows, you ought to, Alfred
Alfred Well, I mean, what else is there?

Dorothy You don’t think he might have some spiritual
motive, if you know what I meam*

Alfred Of course, there’s a possibility of that He may
not be quite right in his head
Dorothy I didn’t mean that exactly I was wondering if
he isn’t doing this on account of some ideal
Alfred Come off it, popsy-wopsy You’ve been reading
too many novels, business men don’t do things for an
ideal

Dorothy He’s never been quite normal since the war
Alfred He’s a thundering good chap, and I hate to see
him make a damned fool of himself
Dorothy Well, what’s to be done?

SCENE III

l6S THE BREAD-WINNER

Alfred I think the only person who can do anything is
Margery Pity she isn’t a bit more intelligent
Dorothy It’s not easy for a woman to be intelligent with
a man who isn’t in love with her
Alfred Charlie’s an emotional fellow, and, hang it all,
she’s a woman She ought to be able to get round him
somehow

Dorothy Five o’clock in the afternoon isn’t a very good
time for emotion

Alfred If you’d been mixed up in as many divorce cases
as I have you wouldn’t say that Look here, you have
a talk to her You can give her a lead I’ll go along and
send her in It’s a bit awkward for me
Dorothy I’ll do what I can
Alfred I know you will, old gal

[Alfred goes out Diana comes m
Diana Hullo, Dorothyl Are you alone^

Dorothy Is there anything you warn?

Diana I was looking for Uncle Charlie
Dorothy Why^

Diana I just wanted to say good-bye to him
Dorothy Oh, are you going^

Diana No, but I thought he was

Dorothy Run along, darling. I’m busy If there’s anything
to tell, I’ll tell you later

[Margery comes m quickly , and with her first words
Diana slips out

Margery Alfred says you’ve got something to say to me
Dorothy He thought I’d better speak to you before you x
saw Charlie

Margery Where is Charlie?

Dorothy Upstairs He’s packing.

SCENE III THE BREAD-WINNER 269

Margery [Dumbfounded ] Packing^ He isn’t really going?
Dorothy I’m afraid so
Margery To-day?

Dorothy Now

Margery [With a gasp ] Oh* I never thought for a moment
that he meant it I thought he was hysterical and just
making a scene

Dorothy Don’t take it too tragically, darling He’ll come
back

Margery What to^ He won’t have any business We
shan’t have anything to live on

Dorothy Had you no suspicion that anything was wrongs
Margery With the business^ No, he never talked to me
about it He knew I hated shop
Dorothy No, I meant at home

Margery No, he always seemed just the same I never
paid much attention to him Why should I?

Dorothy That’s true

Margery I think it’s so frightfully selfish of him If a
man’s lost his money, it’s his duty to work hard and
make some more

Dorothy D’you think he’s in love with someone eise^
Margery Oh, no, I should have noticed that at once I
gave him everything he wanted in that way
Dorothy That’s wasn’t very much, was rt?

Margery We were very good friends We didn’t interfere
with one another I should have called it an ideal
marriage

Dorothy Men are very funny You never really know what
they want I don’t believe they know themselves
Margery What do you mean by thaP
Dorothy Well, I always had an idea that Charlie hankered
after something different

270 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE III

Margery I don’t know what I’ve been a perfect wife

Dorothy Perhaps you didn’t bring enough beauty into his
life

Margery Dorothy, how can you be so unkind^ Oh, I
think it’s dreadful to say a thing like that when I’m so
upset I surrounded him with beauty Everyone knows
how much beauty means to me Painting and books
and all that sort of thing How about the Czecho-Slovak
peasant industries^ I organised them It was a revelation
of beauty And the Armenian folk-songs Who’d heard
of Armenian folk-songs until I discovered themP No
one’s keener about beauty than I am I’m crazy about
it I practically made beauty in Golders Green

Dorothy [Soothingly ] I’m dreadfully sorry, darhng I
didn’t mean to hurt your feelings

Margery I may not be clever, but if there’s one thing I do
know something about, it’s beauty

Dorothy You’ve taught me a lot, darling

Margery What’s wrong with Charlie is that he’s got no
sense of humour And I can’t do anything about that

Dorothy It’s a pity Alfred can’t give him some of his
Alfred has almost too much

Margery Life’s so complicated

Dorothy Alfred says you’re the only person who can do
anything now

Margery I’m in a frightful position, Dorothy You know
how spiteful people are When a woman leaves her
husband they say it’s because he was a brute, but when
a man leaves his wife they say it’s because she couldn’*
hold him. It’s so frightfully humiliating

Dorothy What are you going to say to him?

Margery I shall just appeal to his better nature After
all, he’s a reasonable man He must see that he can’t

SCENE III THE BREAD-WINNER ZJI

leave the children just when they’re entering the world
and need his help and guidance more than ever

Dorothy Oh, my dear, men aren’t reasonable They’re
not like women You surely know that by now The
only way you can influence them is through their emo-
tions I mean, the great advantage we have over them
is that they’re weak and sentimental In your place I’d
just be terribly pathetic I’d cling to him and just cry
like a child

Margery I’ve never been able to cry when I wanted to
You know that It’s always been a handicap I hate
slush

Dorothy It’s no good saying that now It’s the only thing
that gets a man every time You know what I mean
Flatter him Be soft and loving and tender Oh, my
dear, I could do it on my head

Margery It’s so difficult after all these years I’m afraid
he’d laugh

Dorothy Ah, there we come back to the old trouble It
is so hard to know how to take a man who has no sense
of humour

Margery I almost think it would be better if you saw him
first, Dorothy I think it would be easier for you

Dorothy But, darling, I can’t be loving and tender for you
I mean, that’s the kind of thing you must do for yourself

Margery Yes, I know, but you can prepare him I mean,
you can tell him that, of course. I’m reserved and don’t

5 show my feelings, but you know for a fact that I’m
frightfully in love with him

Dorothy Yes, I could do that

Margery I daresay you’re right I suppose I haven’t
flattered him enough One always forgets how vain
men are

SCENE III

272 THE BREAD-WINNER

Dorothy It’s fatal when one does All right, I’ll see what
I can do I’ll call him

Margery You’re a brick, Dorothy I shall be m the
garden

[Margery goes out through the french window and
Dorothy goes to the door She opens it for a
moment , and is lost to sight Diana slips into the
room and tiptoes across it, but she hears her Mother’s
voice , and slips quickly away

Dorothy [Outside] Charhel Charlie! Will you come
down^ I’ve got something to say to you

[She comes back into the room She takes out her mirror
and her lipstick and paints her kps The door opens,
and Charles comes m He has changed into a
lounge suit
Charles Here I am

Dorothy [A trifle solemnly , as though she were speaking of a
corpse] I’ve just been talking to Margery
Charles Yes?

Dorothy She’s dreadfully unhappy

Charles [Coolly ] Peeved and exasperated Not unhappy

Dorothy You don’t know her

Charles After nineteen years of marriage^ Don’t be silly
I know Margery as well as it’s possible for one human
being to know another
Dorothy She’s very reserved
Charles A trifle phlegmatic even
Dorothy What a cruel thing to say, Charlie!

Charles Not at all It’s not an unpleasant trait in a wife
It makes for peace in the home

Dorothy I wonder if you realise how deeply attached to
you Margery really is

SCENE III

THE BREAD-WINNER

*73

Charles You wouldn’t say she was madly in love with
me, would you?

Dorothy Yes, I would I really would She adores you
Charles Don’t talk such rubbish You know just as well
as I do that Margery doesn’t care two hoots for me
Dorothy No, no, no! She loves you Oh, Charlie, it’s
such a serious step you’re taking
Charles [With a slight change of tone ] And I’m taking it
seriously Believe me, my dear, nothing that you can
say is go mg to have any effect on me You’re only
wasting your breath and my time
Dorothy I should never forgive myself if I didn’t do every-
thing I could to stop you

Charles Pardon me, but exactly what business is it of
yours^

Dorothy [With a little helpless gesture] Well, you see, I
happen to know why you’re going.

Charles I’m not surprised, considering that I took the
greatest pains to explain it to Margery and Alfred
Dorothy Oh, all that about freedom and not wanting to
be a broker* You don’t suppose I believe that ?
Charles All the same it’s the truth
Dorothy [Softly] D’you think I haven’t got eyes in my head^
Charles Very handsome ones, and you make excellent
use of them But what have they got to do with it?
Dorothy [With a certain coyness ] Well, it’s me, isn’t it?
Charles [Astounded] You?

Dorothy [With self-satisfaction ] I thought it was
Charles Why?

Dorothy D’you think I haven’t noticed how you looked at
me^ D’you remember kissing me the other mghtf*
Charles Not particularly I’ve kissed you a thousand
times

SCENE III

274 THE BREAD-WINNER

Dorothy Not like that You may have thought you were
kissing me the same as always But you weren't I
know After all, it was me you kissed

Charles It was quite unintentional

Dorothy I know That’s why it gave you away*

Charles My dear Dorothy

Dorothy \Interruptmg] No, no, no, don’t Don’t speak
Let me speak I know so well what you’ve got to say
There’s Alfred, your oldest friend, and Margery, my
first cousin, and the children — your children and my
children Oh, it’s all hopeless, hopeless I’ve seen you
brooding over the misery of it, and my heart has bled for
you Oh, Charlie, Charlie, you don’t have to tell me I"
know everything

Charles Look here, Dorothy, you put me m a very awk-
ward position

Dorothy \Acting so well that for the moment she believes every
word she says ] And d’you think you haven’t put me m an
awkward position* What do you think I’ve been feeling
all this time^ I’m not a stick or a stone Do you think I
could sit there and know that those great, sad, tragic eyes
of yours were resting upon me without being stirred to
the depths of my souP Of course, I know that Margery
never understood you Oh, my dear, my dear, I’ve been
so sorry for you But, Charlie, we can do nothing
What can we do^

Charles We can talk not quite so loud

Dorothy Oh, damn! As a matter of fact there’s nobody
about

Charles But in point of fact why are you saying all this?

Dorothy Don’t you know?

Charles I haven’t a notion

Dorothy, Oh, Charles, Charles, what a fool you must think
me* I know you love me

SCENE in

THCE BREAD-WINNER

*75

Charles How^

Dorothy Intuition D’you think that ever fails a woman
in a matter like this*

Charles Ah, I’d forgotten that

Dorothy \Persmdmg herself that tt ts all true ] I’ve seen your
face grow pale with desire when you touched my hand
IVe seen you bite your tongue in order to prevent your-
self from speaking Oh, I know, of course you couldn't
speak, it was so brave of you, don’t think I didn’t realise
how brave you were, but this last moment does it matter*
I can’t let you go without telling you that I know Don’t
ask me to tell you that perhaps I love you too No, no, no

Charles I don’t for a moment think you do

Dorothy I don’t know Don’t ask me Don’t force me to
say more than I want to Oh, Charlie, when they came
and told me you were going away and in a flash I knew
that it was on account of me — oh, what shall I do, I
cried to myself It’s awful that you should make such a
sacrifice for me I can’t bear ltl I can’t bear it!

Charles You know, one finds after a time that one can bear
the sacrifice that other people make for one

Dorothy I must bear it Oh, but you don’t know what
bitterness it is I know if I were a brave woman I would
throw everything to the winds and come with you
Don’t ask me to do that, Charlie Don’t tempt me

Charles* No, no

Dorothy You’re so wonderful It’s no good pretending to
be something I’m not I haven’t the courage After all
I’ve got a husband who loves me and two children who
worship the ground I tread on, and then there’s my
position in Golders Green I know I’m weak* I know
you’ll despise me, but perhaps also some day you’ll
find room in your heart for a little pity

276 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE III

Charles I’m sure you’re very happy with Alfred
Dorothy Happyl Happy! Who is happy^ Oh, I think life
is so sad

Charles It has moments when one seems justified in taking
a moderately cheerful view of things
Dorothy Oh, you’re bitter I’ve disappointed you It’s
no good, Charlie I can’t run away with you Be sensible,
old boy, what should we live on? Is it true that you’ll
only have five pounds a week^

Charles Quite true

Dorothy It’s no good, darling I know you’ll think me
hard and worldly, I’m only being cruel to be kind
Love can’t live on five pounds a week It would be
criminal to put it to such a test You do understand,
don’t you^

Charles Quite

Dorothy It would be different if you had a hundred
thousand pounds tucked away in a Swiss bank
Charles Quite, quite

Dorothy I’m not really cynical, you know Only I am a
woman, and I know what money means
Charles I always think that is one of the most delightful
characteristics of your sex

Dorothy Don’t feel hardly towards me, Charlie Don’t
make my suffering still harder to bear
Charles I’m sure you’re right

Dorothy I know I’m right, and one of these days you’ll
realise it Perhaps in years to come we shall meet again,
in Pans or somewhere, and then, who knows^ Perhaps
you will have forgotten me
Charles Oh, no

Dorothy And perhaps, perhaps t shall say to you, God
knows I’ve suffered, God knows I’ve tned to do my
duty, but there are limits to human endurance Perhaps

SCENE III

THE BREAD-WINNER

* 77

I shall say, Charlie, Charlie, we’ve waited long enough,
we have such a little time before us, let us accept the
happiness that chance has so mysteriously thrown in
our way

Charles Now, I think, if you don’t mind. I’ll just go up
and finish my packing

Dorothy I can’t let you go without giving you something
to remember me by Charlie, kiss me on the mouth
[Charles looks round the room with embarrassment,
he is very nervous m case someone should come m by
the door or the french window Then he kisses
Dorothy full on the lips She flings her arms round
his neck He takes her hands and releases himself
Dorothy I have given you more than my body, Charlie,
I have given you my soul Good-bye Good-bye for
ever

[She walks swiftly out into the garden , with heroic
courage mastering her emotion Charles stands
for a moment , smiling wryly after her, he passes a
finger round his collar , which seems rather tight for
him , and then , smiling a little still , walks towards
the door to go upstairs Just as he is about to turn
the handle the door is opened, he starts as Diana
comes in and almost treads on him
Charles Hullo, what are you doing there>

Diana I’ve just been hanging about till Dorothy was out
of the way I’ve got something I want to say to you
Charles Fare away

Diana Has she been trying to vamp you>

Charles It would be rather late in the day for that
Diana. I bet she thinks you’re leaving Aunt Margery on
her account

Charles You’ve been listening, Dinah, my dear. Not a
very pretty trick.

SCENE III

278 THE BREAD-WINNER

Diana Don't be stuffy, darling I don't have to listen at
doors to know what Dorothy's saying
Charles Mutual sympathy, I suppose One of the dis-
advantages of a united family
Diana Poor Dorothy has reached the age when women
think every man they meet is in love with them It's
such a bore when they get like that It makes them so
unpunctual
Charles Oh, why?

Diana You see, they start doing their face and they say,
Oh, my God, my face is awful to-day, and they start
again, and they go on and on, and by the time they've
given it up as a bad job they've kept you waiting for
hours

Charles My dear, I've still got a few things to pack What
was it exactly you wanted to say to me ?

Diana Oh, don't you like general conversation^

Charles Is that what it was^ I thought you were making
a few tart remarks on your mother
Diana I adore Dorothy I'm sorry for her You know,
I think it's so pathetic her gratitude when she can per-
suade herself she's got off with somebody

Charles It's nice of you to be so sympathetic I must
bolt now Good-bye, my dear We've had a jolly little
chat

Diana Oh, but I haven't started yet I've been trying to
get you alone for the last hour
Charles You know, I'm going away to-night
Diana Yes Would you like me to come with you?
Charles What for ?

Diana Company

Charles That's awfully sweet of you, but I shall manage
all right by myself.

SCENE in THE BREAD-WINNER 279

Diana Won’t you be awfully lonely by yourselP
Charles After being married nineteen years I’m used to
loneliness

Diana. A girl’s different from a wife, you know,

Charles Quite Even more of a nuisance*

Diana I’d look after myself I wouldn’t be any trouble
to you

Charles Whatever put such an idea into your head,
Dinahs

Diana I’m so bored at home After all, I’m eighteen, and
the time’s just flying, and I’m getting nowhere I want
to get out into the world and do something
Charles That’s all right, but a married gentleman in the
early forties is hardly the best companion for such an
adventure
Diana Why not?

Charles My dear, ancient as I am, I’m afraid it would be
difficult to persuade the people we ran across that my
relation towards you was simply paternal
Diana I’m not a damned fool, darling Of course I’d come
as your mistress

Charles Oh, I see It hadn’t occurred to me that you
meant that

Diana I think you must be rather stupid, darling
Charles To tell you the truth I don’t want a mistress*
Diana Why no P You’re not so old as all that
Charles I should prefer any attachments I make to be of
a strictly temporary nature

Diana You could always chuck me if you got sick of me
Charles Women are so clinging.

Diana Don’t you think I’m attractive?

Charles Very

2%0 THE BREAD-WINNER SCENE IH

Diana And I am a virgin, you know
Charles* 1 guessed that

Diana [. Somewhat hurt ] I don’t know why It’s just an
accident Lots of girls of my age aren’t
Charles I think it’s a pleasing trait in the young unmarried
female

Diana That’s rather middle-aged of you, darling
Charles I am rather middle-aged, my pet
Diana Tim is, too
Charles What^ Middle-aged^

Diana No, a virgin I think it’s rather chic in a boy,
Charles It doesn’t mterest me so much
Diana He says he’s going to wait for Potiphar’s wife to
make the usual advances to him, and then it’ll be such
a pleasant surprise for her

Charles Or contrariwise Innocence is charming in theory,
but in practice experience has many advantages
Diana You’re not going to turn me down^

Charles You bet your life I am

Diana You needn’t hesitate because you’re afraid I don’t
realise what I’m up against I should go into it with
my eyes open, you know

Charles I wasn’t thinking of you I was thinking entirely
of myself I should be a fool to jump out of a tepid
frying-pan into a red-hot fire
Diana It would be such a lark

Charles It wouldn’t really I haven’t a bean, you know
Love can’t live on five pounds a week

Diana Hullo, that sounds like Dorothy Have you been
asking her to run away with you?

Charles Certainly not
Diana Swear to God?

SCENE III THE BREAD - VINNER zBl

Charles Cross me heart

Diana All right As a matter of fact, Fve thought of that
You wouldn’t have any silly prejudices about my
keeping you, would you?

Charles Not at all I trust that in the well-regulated
society of the future that will be the universal practice
Women with their executive ability and natural industry
will toil from blushing dawn to dewy eve and leave men
free to devote themselves to art and literature and the
less violent form of athletics

Diana Don’t talk Listen to what Fve thought You know
everyone says I dance divinely I can easily get up stage
dancing and then I’ll get engagements at the Casinos
m France and Italy

Charles I don’t believe there’s much money in that, do
you? I’ve always said that if I was kept by a woman
Pd want to be kept in style

Diana No, but wait That’s why I said I’d get engage-
ments at Casinos A lot of rich men go to them and when
I see that there’s one attracted to me I can lure him on,
and then at the psychological moment you can come
in and say. What are you doing with my daughter?
D’you see what I mean?

Charles Yes, that’s all right in the pictures, but in real
life it always ends you up in jug It’s no good, Dinah,
I’d never have the nerve for that

Diana I suppose that means that you don’t want me at
any price?

Charles To be frank with you, it does [She gives a deep
sigh ] Oh, come on, don’t sigh

Diana I’m so frightfully disappointed

Charles You’d be bored stiff with me in a month And
where would you be then?

SCENE III

ZBZ THE BREAD-WINNER

Diana I could always have left you After all, you're not
the only man in the world I don't suppose it would
have lasted for ever, but while it did, it might have been
rather lovely

Charles I think in your place I'd wait till some suitable
young man comes along, and marry him You can
always see then, you know

Diana I can't understand why you hesitate I should have
thought it such a snip

Charles To run away with you? No, it's not my idea of
a snip at all

Diana You haven't got moral scruples, have you?

Charles Do you think it would be very nice of me to bolt
with the daughter of an old friend and she only just
out of the schoolroom, so to speaP

Diana Everybody’s the daughter of someone, and surely
it's better to run away with a girl than with an old hag

Charles I imagine it’s more agreeable

Diana If you won’t have me because you think it's dis-
honourable or rot like that, I think it's simply foul of
you I mean that’s just stuffy and frightfully middle-class

Charles Oh, d’you think it is^

Diana Of course I’d never forgive you if it was that

Charles I’m sorry

Diana But if it’s just that I don't appeal to you sexually,
then I don’t mind a bit I mean, it's rotten for me, of
course, but that’s the sort of thing you can't help, and
I must lump it Is that it?

Charles My dear, that’s not a very nice thing for a man,
even a middle-aged one, to say to a girl of eighteen

Diana Oh, shut upf It never occurred to me that you
might . * *

[She sttfies a little sob

SCENE III THE BREAD-WINNER 283

Charles Good God! What are you doing^ You’re not
crying^ What on earth are you crying £oP
Diana You see, I’m so frightfully in love with you
Charles [With astonishment ] With me? You never said
that before

Diana I didn’t want to appeal to your emotions I wanted
to make it practically a business proposition I’m simply
crazy about you

Charles [Angrily] You damned little fool, what rot is
this you’re talking now^

Diana It isn’t rot I’m madly in love with you.

Charles Well, you jolly well stop it. I never heard such
nonsense

Diana I can’t help it

Charles Yes, you can help it You’re just a silly, hysterical,
sloppy schoolgirl What you want is a thorough spank-
ing, and by George, if I weren’t in such a hurry, I’d
damned well give it you myself
Diana [ Smiling through her tears] You are rather sweet,
you know

Charles Upon my soul [Changing his mood and laughing ]
Don’t be a little idiot, Diana Fancy falling in love with
a f unn y old thing like me You ought to be ashamed
of yourself

Diana Fm not And I can’t help it I’ve got an awful thing
about you I think you’re so frightfully attractive
Charles Why^

Diana Well, you have no' sense of humour
C h arles You’re not going to tell me that you fell in love
with me because I had no sense of humour
Diana Yes, madly You knew you had no sense of humour,
didn’t you>

Charles I didn’t, to tell you the truth.

SCENE III

284 THE BREAD-WINNER

Diana People who haven’t seldom know it Funny, isn’t
it? You see, all my family have so much, sometimes it’s
almost unbearable I love you for not having it You
can understand that, can’t you?

Charles Perfectly But what a bore it would have been
if you’d discovered you’d made a mistake when it was
too late?

Diana How d’you mean?

Charles Well, you see, our happiness might have been
shattered if I’d made a joke

Diana [Tenderly ] Perhaps I shouldn’t have seen it You
know, one often doesn’t see the jokes of people who
have no sense of humour

Charles I think it’s just as well not to have taken the
risk

Diana You might kiss me once, will you?

Charles Of course, and then I really must see about my
packing

[He goes to her, and ts about to put his arms round her
She looks at his lips , peering a little , then she passes
her forefinger over them and smells it

Diana I wish Dorothy wouldn’t use such beastly lip-stick
Wipe your mouth, darling

[She takes hts handkerchief out of his pocket and wtpes
his lips She throws her arm round hts neck and
offers him her lips, but he takes her head m his hands
and kisses her good-humouredly first on one cheek and
then on the other She sighs as he releases her

Diana Lend me your comb, will you?

Charles My comb? I haven’t got one

Diana Then what do you do when you’re out somewhere
and want to comb your hair? All the boys I know carry
one Darling, I could have taught you so much

SCENE HI THE BREAD-WINNER z8j

Charles [With a glance at his watch ] Where do you suppose
Pat and Judy are^

Diana Judy's in the garden I don't know where Pat is
[Charles goes to the french window and calls

Charles Judy, [To Diana ] I wish you'd ask Margery to
come here

Diana All right I don't care if you are angry, I think
you're terribly attractive

Charles Go to hell,

[As she ts going out > Judy enters

Judy Did you call me, Daddy^

Charles Yes I'm just going to have a little chat with
your mother I wish you'd go upstairs and see that
Johnston is packing my things all right I put everything
I wanted on the bed

Judy Right-ho!

Charles And when the bag is ready tell her to put it in
the car

Judy D’you want me to drive you down to the stations

Charles No, better let the chauffeur Where’s Pat^

Judy He's locked himself up in his room He’s eating
butter-scotch He's sulking

C harles If butter-scotch makes him sulk, why does he
eat tt?

Judy He isn't sulking because he's eating butter-scotch,
he's sulking because you said he was a bore

Charles I didn't blame him for it I merely stated it as
an interesting fact

Judy You couldn't expect him to like it I didn't either
I’ve been thinking it over Do you know, Fve got
rather a ghastly suspicion about you, Daddy?

Charles Ohl What is it?

SCENE in

*86 THE BREAD-WINNER

Judy Well, I’ve got a ghastly suspicion that perhaps you’ve
got more sense of humour than any of us quite
realised

Charles P Oh, my dear, what makes you think thaP
Judy I don’t know It’s made me rather uneasy I mean,
it would be rather comic if all this time you’d been
laughing at us up your sleeve Isn’t it funny^ I like you
better now than I’ve ever liked you before
Charles I don’t know why

Judy*- Well, I suppose the fact is that now you’re doing the
dirty on us you seem so much more human
Charles H’m!

Judy Do I surprise you^ You see, you don’t know me.
Daddy I suppose it’s impossible for a father to know
his daughter

Charles Do people ever know one another^

Judy I think when they’re in love they think they do
Charles And are never more mistaken

Judy Were you in love with Mummy when you married
hep

Charles Oh yes Crazy about her
Judy I suppose love can’t be expected to last for ever
Charles I suppose not I think that’s the only real tragedy
in life Deaths Well, one expects death But when one’s
in love, one never expects love to die It makes life look
such a sell,

Judy I wonder why it doesn’t last?

Charles, Habit kills it

Judy, Dinah and I have often discussed whether It wouldn’t
be better to have affairs than to marry*

Charles There’s not much in it An affair 1$ just as tiresome
and more inconvenient*

SCENE m THE BREAD-WINNER Z% J

Judy Pity you’re going just now There are a lot of things
I should have liked to ask you

Charles Why have you never asked me before?

Judy One can’t talk to one’s father It’s only because I
don’t look upon you as my father any more that I can
treat you as a human being Of course, parents and
children bore one another They never talk to us of
the things that interest them, and we never talk to them
of the things that matter to us

Charles If we ever meet again we must try to forget our
unfortunate relationship You will be an engaging
young woman I’ve run across by chance, and I shall
be an elderly gentleman in reduced circumstances who
once knew your mother

Judy I daresay we shall find we have quite a lot to say to
one another

Charles For my part I should like to tell you that I shall
be delighted to renew the acquaintance we’ve so un-
expectedly made It’s been charming to meet you

Judy Daddy, why are you going away? It’s for your soul’s
sake, isn’t it?

Charles That sounds rather pretentious and high-falutin’,
doesn’t it ?

Judy Does that matter? Just for once and within these
four walls,

Charles Well, perhaps it is I have so few years before me
It seems a pity to waste them Have you ever had an
awful lot of letters to write and only ten minutes to
catch the post? You don’t write the most important
ones from the standpoint of eternity, but only the
important ones to you Perhaps they’re quite trivial,
making a date or answering an invitation, but they are
all you have time for The others must go to the devtL
I only have time now to do what I urgently want to do.

SCENE III

288 THE BREAD-WINNER

Judy You've got your chance You'd be a fool not to
take it I don't blame you In your place I'd do what
you're doing

Charles You're a good girl, Judy

Judy You've given me my chance, too I never wanted to
be a young lady Coming out and going to parties,
getting married and going to parties I want to go on
the stage

Charles Are you prepared to work^ It isn't just doing
your bit in a play and then going to supper at the Savoy
It’s a whole time job

Judy Oh yes. I'll work

Charles Well, be natural, that's the chief thing

Judy That ought to be easy

Charles It isn't It's the result of infinite pains It's the
final triumph of artifice And remember that society
only looks upon you as a freak and the moment you’re
out of fashion drops you like a hot potato Society has
killed more good actors than drink It's only your raw
material Let the footlights, at least spiritually, always
hold you aloof These are the last solemn words that a
father whispers in his daughter's shell-like ear as he is
about to leave her for ever

Judy Why for ever* When I'm a celebrated actress with
a princely salary and you a broken-down old reprobate,
I shall be always pleased to offer you a home in my
palatial fiat

Charles That's sweet of you Here is your mother Nip
along, darling, and when my packing's finished come
and tell me

Judy Right-hoi Bless you. Daddy Have a good time,

Charles Same to you, my pet.

SCENE III THE BREAD-WINNER zS$

[She slips out of the door as Margery comes m from
the garden Charles goes towards her and takes
her hand

Come and sit down, Margery
Margery Is it true you’re going away to-day?

Charles Yes

Margery You’re deliberately breaking my heart
Charles My dear, for the first time in our lives we’re going
to have a serious talk It’ll be so much easier if we say
nothing that we don’t mean
Margery But I love you, Charlie

Charles No, dear, that’s not true If you still had for me
that hungry craving of the soul they call love, I think
it’s possible I shouldn’t have the courage to leave you
Margery I’ve never loved anybody in my life but you
Charles I daresay not, but that isn’t quite the same thing
Margery I don’t know what you mean by love
Charles I think you do You were in love with me once
just as I was in love with you, and one doesn’t forget
Margery You can’t expect me to be the same as I was
nineteen years ago It would be absurd if I were still
the love-sick girl I was then
Charles And extremely tiresome.

Margery Love isn’t everything I mean, there’s com-
panionship and mutual confidence and all that I’ve
always had a great affection for you I often thought
what a picture we made of a happy and domestic
couple Why, I don’t believe we’ve even had a squabble
for ten years

Cha rles I wonder it didn’t make you a little uneasy
Doesn’t it strike you that two people must be profoundly
indifferent to one another if they never find occasion to
disagree?

SCENE III

290 THE BREAD-WINNER

Margery I don’t know how you can be so ungrateful
Don’t you realise that if we got on so well it was entirely
due to my wonderful tact^ Believe me, it wasn’t always
so easy You were very different when you came back
from the war

Charles We were both very different Or perhaps we
weren’t different at all, but we’d been separated for five
years and we saw one another for the first tune as we
really were

Margery I don’t know what you mean by that I’d
developed a lot during the war I wanted to do my bit,
and I don’t see how anyone can deny that I did it Most
people thought I was so much improved

Charles Out of all recognition, my dear We were
strangers to one another We had to start making one
another’s acquaintance all over again from the beginning
I don’t think we liked one another very much

Margery I was a little disappointed in you, I don’t mind
admitting it Fortunately I have imagmation I re-
member how disgusted I was when once you dropped a
piece of bread and butter on the ground and picked it
up and ate it as though nothing had happened But I
said, that’s the war, and I made allowances

Charles It’s very difficult for two people who are not in
love with one another to live together It’s funny what
trivial things get on their nerves

Margery It wasn’t trivial at all It was deeply significant
of the change that had taken place in you You’d lost
all your beautiful idealism. Why, you weren’t even
patriotic any more You drank too much and your
language was filthy

Charles, I suppose my nerves were a bit groggy You
were very patient with me.

SCENE HI THE BREAD-WINNER 2$I

Margery I made up my mind that I must be When the
Armistice came, the war was over for you, but I had to
go on doing my bit just the same And there were
thousands of women in England like me I’ve been a
good and faithful wife to you I think I have the right to
some consideration

Charles Perhaps we’ve both been too good and faithful
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never
committed adultery, are now extinct
Margery No, I didn’t And I’m not interested in the
Tasmanians I think it’s frightfully callous of you to
mention them when I’m so upset
Charles You mustn’t think I’m not sorry to cause you
annoyance

Margery Did you say annoyance*

Charles I did I think your vanity is hurt by my leaving
you I don’t believe your heart is much concerned
Margery What’s the good of my telling you I love you if
you don’t believe a word I say?

Charles I shall believe you if you speak the truth
Margery How can I speak the truth when I’m taken by
surprise like this I don’t know what the truth is The
whole thing has come as such a shock to me It never
occurred to me that you weren’t absolutely satisfied I
always looked upon ours as an ideal marriage I don’t
know what more you wanted
Charles Like Queen Victoria I was not amused
Margery You can’t expect marriage to be amusing If it
were, the law wouldn’t protect it and the church wouldn’t
sanctify it Do you think women find marriage amusing*
They’ve been bored stiff by it for a thousand generations
Half the women I know are so bored by their husbands
that they could scream at the sight of them,

Charles Why do they stick it?

SCENE III

292 THE BREAD-WINNER

Margery* Because everybody else sticks it Because
marriage is like that They get used to it Because it
always has been and always will be their only respectable
means of livelihood And because of the children
I think it’s awful that you should condemn your
innocent children to poverty just because you want to
have a good time

Charles I’m giving you fifteen thousand pounds

Margery It isn’t even yours to give

Charles Morally, of course, it belongs to my creditors, but
they have no legal claim to it

Margery How can tainted money bring one any enduring
benefit^

Charles If you feel uneasy about it, you are at perfect
liberty to hand it over to them, but I tell you frankly that
I shall stick to the five thousand I’m keeping for myself

Margery Are you sure your creditors couldn’t get it by
going to law^

Charles Quite

Margery If I only had myself to think of, for the sake of
your honour I would give it to them without a moment’s
hesitation But my children have a prior claim on me
For their sake I shall certainly keep it

Charles I think you’re very sensible

Margery But how you expect me to live on seven hundred
and fifty a year, less income tax, I can’t imagine

Charles I don’t see why you shouldn’t be very happy.

Margery The position of a woman whose husband has run
away from her isn’t very nice

Charles Tell your friends that I’ve had a nervous break-
down* and had to go abroad,

SCENE III THE BREAD-WINNER

Margery You know what people are They always fh tnfr
the worst They’ll say there’s a warrant for your arrest,
or that you’ve gone off with a chorus girl You can’t
blame them It’s natural they should And I almost wish
it were true That would at least be normal I could
understand that

Charles Do you really think that I’m called upon to go on
working indefinitely in order, not to provide my wife
and children with the necessities of existence, but with
luxuries they can very well do without?

Margery It’s what one naturally expects a man to do

Charles And what about life? Where does that come in?

Margery I don’t understand what you mean That is life
The ordinary man gets his pleasure by providing his
family with the things they want I mean, that’s his
normal existence

Charles And do you think it’s worth while?

Margery Why, of course it is Otherwise everybody
wouldn’t do it After all, it’s no hardship to work It’s
the only thing that brings enduring happiness There’s
beauty m doing your duty in that state of life in which
a merciful Providence has been pleased to place you
And after all, beauty is the thing that counts* There’s
beauty in the commonplace round of every day

Charles Not much in selling stocks and shares

Margery Oh, yes, there is I mean, we must take a
s piri tual view of things I’ve always been frightfully
keen on that, and it’s been a bitter disappointment to
me that you were incapable of entering into that side
of my life My Czecho-Slovak peasant industries and the
Armenian folk-songs and so on Dorothy was only
saying to me just now, I practically made beauty in
Golders Gteen.

Charles You’re a remarkable woman, Margery

SCENE in

Z94 THE BREAD-WINNER

Margery No, Fm not, but I’m not a fool, and no one has
ever called me a png I daresay I’ve thought about
these things a little more deeply than you have. Fm an
idealist 1 think it's so ugly to be selfish You can only
get permanent satisfaction from life if you live for
others I mean, it's only by forgetting yourself and
living only for Pat and me and Judy that you can hope to
achieve any real happiness I don’t suppose you’ll
listen to me, there are none so deaf as those that won’t
hear, but one day you’ll confess I was right It’s in self-
sacrifice that a man fulfils himself It’s in giving all he has
to those who are near and dear to him that he solves the
riddle of life and makes out of his poor little existence a
thing of beauty

Charles Margery, you’re priceless

[Judy comes m

Judy Daddy!

Margery Run along, darling Your father and I are
talking

Judy I only came to say that everything was packed.
Daddy J ohnson is putting your bag m the car

Charles Oh, good Then nothing remains but for me to
say good-bye

Margery But you’re not going now^

^HARtES Yes,

,JMarg|ry But you can’t I haven’t said half the things I
wanted to say I haven’t begun yet We must thresh the
matter out

Charles My dear, we’ve discussed love, Ifauty, work and
thh economic situation What else is thete? *

Margery\3§% not fa|r, I mean, it’s so fearfully sudden If
I’d onlyhad time! to get used to the sitgJioi% perhaps I
shouldnfyia|[e minded^ much. >

SCENE III THE BREAB-VINNER 295

Charles My dear, f ou must look upon me like a fellow-
passenger on a ship that you’ve seen a lot of during the
trip But the ship reaches port and you and he go your
separate ways

Margery Oh, don’t talk like that I always think ships
are so terribly pathetic I shall cry

Judy Yes, have a good cry. Mummy, it‘ll do you good

Margery I know I could get you to stay if I could only
think of the right things to say I was so unprepared

Charles My dear, you’d never think of the right things to
say, because in your heart you don’t want me to stay I
shouldn’t go with such a kindly feeling towards you if I
didn’t feel that there’s somewhere stirring in you the
thrill of a new adventure

Margery It’s no good crying over spilt milk, is it?

Charles Good-bye, Margery

[He kisses her on the cheek She gives it to him listlessly >
as she has done for years

Margery It seems so strange your going like this I
simply don’t know what to make of it

Judy Johnston said^you didn’t want your tails, but*I told
her to pack them

Charles Oh, wky ? They’ll be quite useless to me *

Judy You never kneftv You mignt want tt> be a ^yaitej

Charles Thoughtful child That, had never occurred to
me

MargeIIy* Charhel You can’t be a waiter

f ♦ *

Charles ^hy not^ When I’m up againstdr I’ll take any

job I can I’m prepared to*be I bar-tender, a mason, a
aouse-painter or a steward on a ship

SCENE III

Z96 THE BREAD-WINNER

Margery How can you ? Think of the people you’ll have
to mix with

Charles I have in point of fact a particular fancy to be a
commercial traveller

Margery Oh, Charlie, how infra dtg What will you travel

trP

Charles Romance

Margery How unpractical

Judy But what fun

Charles Good-bye, Judy

Judy Good-bye, darling Bless youl

[He kisses her and goes out qtucklj
Sargery Judy, I don’t feel at all well.

The End